From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Eminem Finally Divorced From His Ex-Wife All Over Again

by Stuart Heritage

A little help here, please. Now that Eminem has just now legally divorced Kim Mathers for the second time, what does that make her in relation to him – we can’t decide if Kim is now Eminem’s ex-wife, ex-ex-wife or ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.

Either way, Eminem and Kim both showed up in Macomb County Circuit Court briefly yesterday to put an end to the eight months of legal divorce settlement messiness that followed after their bewildering decision to get married to each other again this year went sour. Now that Eminem and Kim Mathers have finally divorced each other for the second time, it leaves Eminem plenty of time to fall in love with Kim again, marry her again, have an argument again and divorce her again approximately ten billion times before December 2007.

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Jail & No Bail For Yoko Ono’s Apparently Creepy Death-Stalk Driver

by Stuart Heritage

John Lennon once sang “A very merry Christmas/ And a happy New Year/ Let’s hope it’s a good one” but he should have tagged on “unless you’re the creepy Turk who took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants/ I’m not arsed about how your Christmas is.”

Because Koral Karsan – the allegedly creepy Turk who allegedly took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants when she wasn’t looking and then allegedly tried to blackmail her for $2 million and threatened to kill her if she didn’t pay up – has been banged up for Christmas. Karsan – Yoko Ono’s driver – was indicted on four charges of first degree attempted grand larceny in a New York court yesterday and, although he pleaded not guilty to the charges, his status as an immigrant means that he’s been thrown in jail without bail until at least January 11 next year. Oh, and Koral Karsan managed to call Yoko Ono “insecure” “paranoid” “immoral” and “illegal” during all of this.

John Lennon once sang "A very merry Christmas/ And a happy New Year/ Let's hope it's a good one" but he should have tagged on "unless you're the creepy Turk who took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants/ I'm not arsed about how your Christmas is." Because Koral Karsan - the allegedly creepy Turk who allegedly took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants when she wasn't looking and then allegedly tried to blackmail her for $2 million and threatened to kill her if she didn't pay up - has been banged up for Christmas. Karsan - Yoko Ono's driver - was indicted on four charges of first degree attempted grand larceny in a New York court yesterday and, although he pleaded not guilty to the charges, his status as an immigrant means that he's been thrown in jail without bail until at least January 11 next year. Oh, and Koral Karsan managed to call Yoko Ono "insecure" "paranoid" "immoral" and "illegal" during all of this.
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Ron Goldman’s Dad Sues Everyone Over Dumb OJ Simpson Book

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s something we didn’t anticipate. Family members of murder victim Ron Goldman seem to think that paying OJ Simpson millions of dollars to write a book where he invents a brand new way to murder their relative was probably in bad taste.

Who’d have thought? In fact, it’s probably fair to say that Ron Goldman’s dad is so incensed with If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened by OJ Simpson that he’s launching a lawsuit against OJ Simpson, for allegedly making $1 million from the deal in a fraudulent way. And Fred Goldman isn’t stopping there – it’s thought that similar lawsuits will be aimed at fired If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened publisher Judith Regan and possibly Rupert Murdoch for overseeing the whole shebang. All in all, the event has caused OJ Simpson to put pen to paper for a second time, to write a new book called If I Did It, I’d Try And Make Sure That I Somehow Bumped Fred Goldman Off Too.

Here's something we didn't anticipate. Family members of murder victim Ron Goldman seem to think that paying OJ Simpson millions of dollars to write a book where he invents a brand new way to murder their relative was probably in bad taste. Who'd have thought? In fact, it's probably fair to say that Ron Goldman's dad is so incensed with If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson that he's launching a lawsuit against OJ Simpson, for allegedly making $1 million from the deal in a fraudulent way. And Fred Goldman isn't stopping there - it's thought that similar lawsuits will be aimed at fired If I Did It, Here's How It Happened publisher Judith Regan and possibly Rupert Murdoch for overseeing the whole shebang. All in all, the event has caused OJ Simpson to put pen to paper for a second time, to write a new book called If I Did It, I'd Try And Make Sure That I Somehow Bumped Fred Goldman Off Too.
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SLACKERJACK – Family Feud Holiday

by Stuart Heritage

Yes yes, we know that we only recently featured a Family Feud game on hecklerspray a couple of weeks ago, but it’s almost Christmas and this is a Christmas version of Family Feud so shut up.

Chances are you know how to play Family Feud by now, and Family Feud Holiday is no different. There’s a “We asked 100 people what the rudest-sounding town in Surrey is” question and you have to try and guess the answers. But since this is Family Feud Holiday, the questions have more of a Christmas theme to them. We’re not going to give any of the Family Feud Holiday questions away to you in case they spoil your fun, but let’s face it – the bulk of the fun anyone gets from Family Feud is laughing at all the guff-brained answers to simple questions that people give. Since you can play Family Feud Holiday head-to-head with anyone you know, that could even mean you get to laugh at your own mother’s stupidity. Laugh! And point! Laugh and point until she cries! Merry Christmas!

Order Family Feud Holiday Now

Download Family Feud Holiday

Yes yes, we know that we only recently featured a Family Feud game on hecklerspray a couple of weeks ago, but it's almost Christmas and this is a Christmas version of Family Feud so shut up. Chances are you know how to play Family Feud by now, and Family Feud Holiday is no different. There's a "We asked 100 people what the rudest-sounding town in Surrey is" question and you have to try and guess the answers. But since this is Family Feud Holiday, the questions have more of a Christmas theme to them. We're not going to give any of the Family Feud Holiday questions away to you in case they spoil your fun, but let's face it - the bulk of the fun anyone gets from Family Feud is laughing at all the guff-brained answers to simple questions that people give. Since you can play Family Feud Holiday head-to-head with anyone you know, that could even mean you get to laugh at your own mother's stupidity. Laugh! And point! Laugh and point until she cries! Merry Christmas! Order Family Feud Holiday Now Download Family Feud Holiday
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Andrew Ridgeley Bottles Wham! Reunion

by Matthew Laidlow

2006 has seen a lot of trends. If you’re a celebrity, for example, you’re no-one unless you’ve got an adopted child to your name, and in the music world this year has seen the reunion of a few great big shiny pop bands.

Even though this year is nearly over, another band forgotten in time – Wham! – were set to make their big comeback. Even though Wham! had a few decent songs that now usually only tend to get rolled out at Christmas, weddings or at dodgy mobile discos, that was plenty good enough for George Michael to try and cash-in during a rare break from hanging around in bushes, getting high off cannabis and sleeping slumped at the wheel of his car. But anyway, Wham! aren’t reforming any more.

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Christmas Number One Betting Odds: Take That, Girls Aloud, Leona

by Stuart Heritage

Here it is, the last of our rollercoaster three-day delve into the Christmas number one betting odds for 2007, where we buckle ourselves in securely and prepare ourselves for one of the most hotly-contested Christmas number one races ever.

Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone knows who the Christmas number one is going to be – it’s always the winner of X Factor. And since we knew who the winner of X Factor was right from the moment Leona performed her first song three months ago, we pretty much knew that Leona was going to be Christmas number one back in October. We’re certain of it – so certain that we’re going to fill up the rest of this paragraph with the word Leona only; Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona.

See? But – hey – what if Leona won’t be the Christmas number one? Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Girls Aloud, Take That and, yes, Leona Lewis…

Here it is, the last of our rollercoaster three-day delve into the Christmas number one betting odds for 2007, where we buckle ourselves in securely and prepare ourselves for one of the most hotly-contested Christmas number one races ever. Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone knows who the Christmas number one is going to be - it's always the winner of X Factor. And since we knew who the winner of X Factor was right from the moment Leona performed her first song three months ago, we pretty much knew that Leona was going to be Christmas number one back in October. We're certain of it - so certain that we're going to fill up the rest of this paragraph with the word Leona only; Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona. See? But - hey - what if Leona won't be the Christmas number one? Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Girls Aloud, Take That and, yes, Leona Lewis...
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News Guns N’ Roses Album Now Out Next Year, Perhaps

by Stuart Heritage

Guns N’ Roses fans are a patient lot aren’t they? They’ve been waiting for over a decade for Axl Rose to release new Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, and the release date has now been pushed back again – this time to March 2007.

But this time Axl Rose really means it. On March 6 2007, Chinese Democracy will definitely, definitely be released as a proper album with absolutely no exception. Unless it doesn’t happen, which – given the endless delays Guns N’ Roses have given Chinese Democracy – it probably won’t. But let’s look on the bright side here; we might only be a couple of weeks away from hearing what kind of ridiculously overblown Limp Bizkit rip-off disappointment Axl Rose has managed to tinker the joy out of over the last ten years or so.

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Hey You! Sing With Justin Timberlake At The Grammys

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a Justin Timberlake fan – or simply a fan of hackneyed attempts to make ultra-smug music industry circlejerks seem more inclusive to people who aren’t Mary J Blige or James Blunt – then is this ever the offer for you!

The Grammys are world famous for having a running time so long that people actually expect to get deep vein thrombosis midway through the Best-Engineered Native American Album By Duo or Group category – and next year The Grammys will be just a little bit longer, thanks to a competition to find an unknown singer who will duet with Justin Timberlake during the ceremony. It’s not known at exactly which point of The Grammys the winner of the If We Cynically Rip-Off American Idol Maybe More People Will Sit Through Our Smug Dull Backslapping Exercise competition will duet with Justin Timberlake, but we’d imagine that it’ll happen around the time that most of the audience is allowed to go to the toilet.

If you're a Justin Timberlake fan - or simply a fan of hackneyed attempts to make ultra-smug music industry circlejerks seem more inclusive to people who aren't Mary J Blige or James Blunt - then is this ever the offer for you! The Grammys are world famous for having a running time so long that people actually expect to get deep vein thrombosis midway through the Best-Engineered Native American Album By Duo or Group category - and next year The Grammys will be just a little bit longer, thanks to a competition to find an unknown singer who will duet with Justin Timberlake during the ceremony. It's not known at exactly which point of The Grammys the winner of the If We Cynically Rip-Off American Idol Maybe More People Will Sit Through Our Smug Dull Backslapping Exercise competition will duet with Justin Timberlake, but we'd imagine that it'll happen around the time that most of the audience is allowed to go to the toilet.
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Now Lindsay Lohan Knackers Herself By Stripping

by Stuart Heritage

As much as you respect Lindsay Lohan for constantly talking so much demented nonsense that she’s actually become a parody of a parody of herself, it’s another of Lindsay Lohan’s talents that should be grabbing your attention at the moment – stripping.

That’s right – Lindsay Lohan is going to play a stripper in a new film entitled I Know Who Killed Me. But don’t get too excited about it, because Lindsay Lohan’s preparation for the movie hasn’t been going well at all – according to reports, Lindsay Lohan has written an email to all her friends describing just how upsettingly bruised her legs have become after taking pole-dancing lessons. And a good job too, since there’s certainly nothing we’d like to see more than the mottled, welt-covered stick-thin legs of an Alcoholics Anonymous member with a history of eating disorders gyrating on a 30ft screen in front of us for two hours, no siree.

As much as you respect Lindsay Lohan for constantly talking so much demented nonsense that she's actually become a parody of a parody of herself, it's another of Lindsay Lohan's talents that should be grabbing your attention at the moment - stripping. That's right - Lindsay Lohan is going to play a stripper in a new film entitled I Know Who Killed Me. But don't get too excited about it, because Lindsay Lohan's preparation for the movie hasn't been going well at all - according to reports, Lindsay Lohan has written an email to all her friends describing just how upsettingly bruised her legs have become after taking pole-dancing lessons. And a good job too, since there's certainly nothing we'd like to see more than the mottled, welt-covered stick-thin legs of an Alcoholics Anonymous member with a history of eating disorders gyrating on a 30ft screen in front of us for two hours, no siree.
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Heaps Of Old Rock Stars Narked Off With Memorabilia Website

by Stuart Heritage

Rock stars never die, we’re told; they just get really old and start bitterly complaining about everything like a bunch of old ladies in a post office queue – especially when websites start selling loads of their old memorabilia without asking them first.

All sorts of musicians that your Dad probably likes – such as The Grateful Dead, Carlos Santana and some of Led Zeppelin and The Doors – have been ganging up on website owner William Sagan, who is cheerily flogging off all sorts of band tat memorabilia that he bought when a man died in a helicopter crash. These old rock stars have got it together enough to drive out of their trout farms to file a lawsuit against William Sagan, and they’ll pursue their case tooth and nail until they get bored and write a number of letters to the Daily Mail’s Straight To The Point section about how much tax they jolly well have to pay these days instead.

Rock stars never die, we're told; they just get really old and start bitterly complaining about everything like a bunch of old ladies in a post office queue - especially when websites start selling loads of their old memorabilia without asking them first. All sorts of musicians that your Dad probably likes - such as The Grateful Dead, Carlos Santana and some of Led Zeppelin and The Doors - have been ganging up on website owner William Sagan, who is cheerily flogging off all sorts of band tat memorabilia that he bought when a man died in a helicopter crash. These old rock stars have got it together enough to drive out of their trout farms to file a lawsuit against William Sagan, and they'll pursue their case tooth and nail until they get bored and write a number of letters to the Daily Mail's Straight To The Point section about how much tax they jolly well have to pay these days instead.
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