Posts from December, 2006

At Christmas, it's traditional to go on a short skiing break to a European country, fracture both your legs within hours of arriving and spend the rest of the time in a horrible hospital being poked at by burly nurses with suspect personal hygiene.

And Havoc Mountain was the nearest game to this experience we were able to find. When you start to play Havoc Mountain, you're a skier - but that lasts for approximately 0.0029 of a second, because you quickly stack it and get rolled up into a snowball, and that's where the Havoc Mountain fun starts. Basically Havoc Mountain turns into Katamari Damacy - your snowball starts to pick up snow and grow in size, and the bigger you get, the bigger objects you can pick up. Before long you can start picking up trees, fences, other skiers… but if you misjudge and shoot for a tree when you're still tiny you'll crack into in and shatter your pelvis. Or something. Either way, Havoc Mountain is a hoot.

Play Havoc Mountain now 

At this time of year, you're likely to encounter all kinds of Best Of lists for 2006 and very few Worst Of lists, so just to help you out, the absolute worst TV show shown anywhere in 2006 was BBC1's How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria.

Frighteningly, though, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria was actually successful - successful enough for toady-looking moneybag Andrew Lloyd Webber to announce another similar musical TV show based on Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat named Any Dream Will Do. That's right - after a nationwide search to find a young woman who could sing with the effortless power and grace of Julie Andrews, Any Dream Will Do will see Andrew Lloyd Webber looking for a bloke who sounds like Phillip Schofield. 

Sounds like a ratings smash, we're sure.

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A very strange thing happened on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing; Emma Bunton - the early favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing, the judges' favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing and the most consistent dancer - was voted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Why was Emma Bunton voted off? Surely it can't be because she isn't popular with the public any more, can it? Well, Emma's elimination from Strictly Come Dancing did happen around the same time that her new album limped to number 65 in the album charts, so it's a real possibility. Something tells us that this long-promised Spice Girls reunion might just be taking place at an abandoned bus shelter if she doesn't a lot more famous a lot more quickly.

But this Saturday is the final of Strictly Come Dancing, so let's focus on that shall we? Tomorrow we'll look at the unfaithful cricketer, but today we're checking out the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson…

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Christina Ricci is in an unenviable situation. Not only does her giant inflatable head prevent her from being able to explore the majesty of the stalactite display at Treak Cavern in Derbyshire for fear of popping, but also she annoys people by wearing fur.

You see, Christina Ricci - star of The Addams Family and no other films that you're ever likely to go and see - was recently named by PETA as one of the worst-dressed human beings on the face of the entire planet after she appeared on the front cover of a magazine draped in some kind of animal fur. But after literally both of her fans decided that they didn't want to the fans of a dirty fur-wearer, Christina Ricci has learnt the error of her ways and has promised never to wear animal fur again, as proved on the cover of the January issue of Vogue, where Christina Ricci can be seen dressed in the leathery skin of a homeless man, complete with a necklace made from lips and a natty nipple belt.

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At this time of year, you deserve a story to warm the cockles of you heart, and by that we mean 'run to the sink scratching at your eyes and tongue to try and get the images out of your mind' - Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are totally doing it.

Maybe we're being too hard on Sharon Stone and Christian Slater - after all, what is Christmas if not a time to get it on with a filmstar who hasn't really been properly famous for a decade? However, don't rush out and bet on a Sharon Stone/ Christian Slater wedding any time soon - both sets of publicists seem determined to put out as many "Come on, you know he/she can do better that THAT" statements as they can. Which is kind of a shame, because we were under the impression that when the guy from Churchill: The Hollywood Years gets together with her out of Sliver, the resulting offspring would grow up to lead mankind into the stage of evolution. We think we read that in The Bible.

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Christmas is a time for the children, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have more children than anyone else; but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids are from all over the bloody world - that's going to cause all kinds of problems on Christmas day, right?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now have a Cambodian child, an Ethiopian child and an American child, so how are they supposed to celebrate Christmas without offending the indigenous cultures that Brad and Angelina tore their two adopted non-Shiloh kids out of? Luckily Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come up with a cunning plan to counter this - they're having three different, culture-respecting Christmases, probably combined with three long justifications explaining that actually it is fair that Shiloh Nouvel got a limited-edition Xbox 360 while Maddox had to make do with one small bottle of scented water given to him in April for Songkran, because of religion and culture and that.

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A little help here, please. Now that Eminem has just now legally divorced Kim Mathers for the second time, what does that make her in relation to him - we can't decide if Kim is now Eminem's ex-wife, ex-ex-wife or ex-ex-ex-ex-ex-wife.

Either way, Eminem and Kim both showed up in Macomb County Circuit Court briefly yesterday to put an end to the eight months of legal divorce settlement messiness that followed after their bewildering decision to get married to each other again this year went sour. Now that Eminem and Kim Mathers have finally divorced each other for the second time, it leaves Eminem plenty of time to fall in love with Kim again, marry her again, have an argument again and divorce her again approximately ten billion times before December 2007.

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John Lennon once sang "A very merry Christmas/ And a happy New Year/ Let's hope it's a good one" but he should have tagged on "unless you're the creepy Turk who took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants/ I'm not arsed about how your Christmas is."

Because Koral Karsan - the allegedly creepy Turk who allegedly took pictures of Yoko Ono in her pants when she wasn't looking and then allegedly tried to blackmail her for $2 million and threatened to kill her if she didn't pay up - has been banged up for Christmas. Karsan - Yoko Ono's driver - was indicted on four charges of first degree attempted grand larceny in a New York court yesterday and, although he pleaded not guilty to the charges, his status as an immigrant means that he's been thrown in jail without bail until at least January 11 next year. Oh, and Koral Karsan managed to call Yoko Ono "insecure" "paranoid" "immoral" and "illegal" during all of this.

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Here's something we didn't anticipate. Family members of murder victim Ron Goldman seem to think that paying OJ Simpson millions of dollars to write a book where he invents a brand new way to murder their relative was probably in bad taste.

Who'd have thought? In fact, it's probably fair to say that Ron Goldman's dad is so incensed with If I Did It, Here's How It Happened by OJ Simpson that he's launching a lawsuit against OJ Simpson, for allegedly making $1 million from the deal in a fraudulent way. And Fred Goldman isn't stopping there - it's thought that similar lawsuits will be aimed at fired If I Did It, Here's How It Happened publisher Judith Regan and possibly Rupert Murdoch for overseeing the whole shebang. All in all, the event has caused OJ Simpson to put pen to paper for a second time, to write a new book called If I Did It, I'd Try And Make Sure That I Somehow Bumped Fred Goldman Off Too.

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Yes yes, we know that we only recently featured a Family Feud game on hecklerspray a couple of weeks ago, but it's almost Christmas and this is a Christmas version of Family Feud so shut up.

Chances are you know how to play Family Feud by now, and Family Feud Holiday is no different. There's a "We asked 100 people what the rudest-sounding town in Surrey is" question and you have to try and guess the answers. But since this is Family Feud Holiday, the questions have more of a Christmas theme to them. We're not going to give any of the Family Feud Holiday questions away to you in case they spoil your fun, but let's face it - the bulk of the fun anyone gets from Family Feud is laughing at all the guff-brained answers to simple questions that people give. Since you can play Family Feud Holiday head-to-head with anyone you know, that could even mean you get to laugh at your own mother's stupidity. Laugh! And point! Laugh and point until she cries! Merry Christmas!

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2006 has seen a lot of trends. If you’re a celebrity, for example, you're no-one unless you’ve got an adopted child to your name, and in the music world this year has seen the reunion of a few great big shiny pop bands.

Even though this year is nearly over, another band forgotten in time - Wham! - were set to make their big comeback. Even though Wham! had a few decent songs that now usually only tend to get rolled out at Christmas, weddings or at dodgy mobile discos, that was plenty good enough for George Michael to try and cash-in during a rare break from hanging around in bushes, getting high off cannabis and sleeping slumped at the wheel of his car. But anyway, Wham! aren't reforming any more.

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Here it is, the last of our rollercoaster three-day delve into the Christmas number one betting odds for 2007, where we buckle ourselves in securely and prepare ourselves for one of the most hotly-contested Christmas number one races ever.

Oh, who are we kidding? Everyone knows who the Christmas number one is going to be - it's always the winner of X Factor. And since we knew who the winner of X Factor was right from the moment Leona performed her first song three months ago, we pretty much knew that Leona was going to be Christmas number one back in October. We're certain of it - so certain that we're going to fill up the rest of this paragraph with the word Leona only; Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona Leona.

See? But - hey - what if Leona won't be the Christmas number one? Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Girls Aloud, Take That and, yes, Leona Lewis…

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