From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Harry Potter Gets Into JK Rowling’s Freaky Dreams

by Stuart Heritage

These are testing times for JK Rowling – every day that she doesn’t finish writing the final book of the Harry Potter series is a day that a dump-truck doesn’t come to her house loaded up with cash and valuable historical artifacts from around the world.

And JK Rowling is right to feel the pressure too, since she has a big task ahead of her – deciding exactly how to kill Harry Potter. We’re doing our best to help JK Rowling out, although she hasn’t relied to our “Why not have a billion red ants strip the flesh off Harry’s bones?” letter yet. Despite our best efforts, the stress of completing the Harry Potter saga is so great that JK Rowling has started dreaming about Harry Potter for the very first time. Perhaps these dreams will influence JK Rowling’s writing, and in the new book we’ll see Harry Potter’s teeth fall out and start screaming at him in his mother’s voice in front of all his friends. On the moon.

Yes, we’d like that.

These are testing times for JK Rowling - every day that she doesn't finish writing the final book of the Harry Potter series is a day that a dump-truck doesn't come to her house loaded up with cash and valuable historical artifacts from around the world. And JK Rowling is right to feel the pressure too, since she has a big task ahead of her - deciding exactly how to kill Harry Potter. We're doing our best to help JK Rowling out, although she hasn't relied to our "Why not have a billion red ants strip the flesh off Harry's bones?" letter yet. Despite our best efforts, the stress of completing the Harry Potter saga is so great that JK Rowling has started dreaming about Harry Potter for the very first time. Perhaps these dreams will influence JK Rowling's writing, and in the new book we'll see Harry Potter's teeth fall out and start screaming at him in his mother's voice in front of all his friends. On the moon. Yes, we'd like that.
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Lara Flynn Boyle Marries Someone Who Nobody Seems To Know

by Stuart Heritage

People tend to only recognise Lara Flynn Boyle for the men she hangs around with – like Jack Nicholson and, um, David Spade from Just Shoot Me – but that ends now, because Lara Flynn Boyle has got married to somebody we doubt even she recognises.

According to reports, Lara Flynn Boyle got married in Texas on Sunday to Donald Ray Thomas, who she’s apparently been going out with for six entire months. While we’re obviously very happy for Lara Flynn Boyle and Donald Ray Thomas, just don’t ask us who Donald Ray Thomas is – if we’re honest we barely know who Lara Flynn Boyle is.

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Last Of John Lennon’s FBI File Released, May Be Covered In Coffee Cup Stains

by Shawn Lindseth

John Lennon was intrinsically evil. He loved Vietnamese communists, hated heaven, and once drank the pulpy juice from a freshly ground kitten.

Maybe we should note that the above statement is all assumption on our part – assumption based on a very valid premise. After all, who does the FBI keep files on? Villains, that’s who. And who had their very own FBI villain-file? John Lennon, uh, that’s who again.

That’s right – there’s no other rational explanation about it. The FBI has kept a very secretive file on J. Lennon for years, and up until just recently, all but ten pages of that file have gone public. Those last pages though, the FBI said would go unreleased because they could cause “…military retaliation against the United States.”

Well now those last ten pages are out, and you wanna know what was on them?

John Lennon was intrinsically evil. He loved Vietnamese communists, hated heaven, and once drank the pulpy juice from a freshly ground kitten. Maybe we should note that the above statement is all assumption on our part - assumption based on a very valid premise. After all, who does the FBI keep files on? Villains, that's who. And who had their very own FBI villain-file? John Lennon, uh, that's who again. That's right - there's no other rational explanation about it. The FBI has kept a very secretive file on J. Lennon for years, and up until just recently, all but ten pages of that file have gone public. Those last pages though, the FBI said would go unreleased because they could cause "...military retaliation against the United States." Well now those last ten pages are out, and you wanna know what was on them?
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Lost’s Evangeline Lilly’s House Catches Fire & Burns Down

by Stuart Heritage

They say that in a fire, it’s the smoke that’ll kill you. This is also true in the world of Lost, although there the smoke tends to kill you by making your son talk backwards and then picking you up and throwing you against a bunch of trees until you die.

That’s the on-screen world of Lost, of course. The off-screen world of Lost is a little different; yesterday the home of Evangeline Lilly – who plays Kate in Lost – was destroyed in a house fire, and not a single wisp of black smoke turned into a playful horse or a man’s dead father, and it didn’t even think of showing anybody an important flashback of their life. Luckily Evangeline Lilly wasn’t at home when her house burnt down but, now that she’s homeless, maybe she’ll have to temporarily bunk up with another Lost cast-member. We know what you’re thinking – we wouldn’t want to share with the fat guy either.

They say that in a fire, it's the smoke that'll kill you. This is also true in the world of Lost, although there the smoke tends to kill you by making your son talk backwards and then picking you up and throwing you against a bunch of trees until you die. That's the on-screen world of Lost, of course. The off-screen world of Lost is a little different; yesterday the home of Evangeline Lilly - who plays Kate in Lost - was destroyed in a house fire, and not a single wisp of black smoke turned into a playful horse or a man's dead father, and it didn't even think of showing anybody an important flashback of their life. Luckily Evangeline Lilly wasn't at home when her house burnt down but, now that she's homeless, maybe she'll have to temporarily bunk up with another Lost cast-member. We know what you're thinking - we wouldn't want to share with the fat guy either.
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SLACKERJACK – Havoc Mountain

by Stuart Heritage

At Christmas, it’s traditional to go on a short skiing break to a European country, fracture both your legs within hours of arriving and spend the rest of the time in a horrible hospital being poked at by burly nurses with suspect personal hygiene.

And Havoc Mountain was the nearest game to this experience we were able to find. When you start to play Havoc Mountain, you’re a skier – but that lasts for approximately 0.0029 of a second, because you quickly stack it and get rolled up into a snowball, and that’s where the Havoc Mountain fun starts. Basically Havoc Mountain turns into Katamari Damacy – your snowball starts to pick up snow and grow in size, and the bigger you get, the bigger objects you can pick up. Before long you can start picking up trees, fences, other skiers… but if you misjudge and shoot for a tree when you’re still tiny you’ll crack into in and shatter your pelvis. Or something. Either way, Havoc Mountain is a hoot.

Play Havoc Mountain now

At Christmas, it's traditional to go on a short skiing break to a European country, fracture both your legs within hours of arriving and spend the rest of the time in a horrible hospital being poked at by burly nurses with suspect personal hygiene. And Havoc Mountain was the nearest game to this experience we were able to find. When you start to play Havoc Mountain, you're a skier - but that lasts for approximately 0.0029 of a second, because you quickly stack it and get rolled up into a snowball, and that's where the Havoc Mountain fun starts. Basically Havoc Mountain turns into Katamari Damacy - your snowball starts to pick up snow and grow in size, and the bigger you get, the bigger objects you can pick up. Before long you can start picking up trees, fences, other skiers... but if you misjudge and shoot for a tree when you're still tiny you'll crack into in and shatter your pelvis. Or something. Either way, Havoc Mountain is a hoot. Play Havoc Mountain now
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Andrew Lloyd Webber Announces Horrible New Musical TV Search

by Stuart Heritage

At this time of year, you’re likely to encounter all kinds of Best Of lists for 2006 and very few Worst Of lists, so just to help you out, the absolute worst TV show shown anywhere in 2006 was BBC1′s How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria.

Frighteningly, though, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria was actually successful – successful enough for toady-looking moneybag Andrew Lloyd Webber to announce another similar musical TV show based on Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat named Any Dream Will Do. That’s right – after a nationwide search to find a young woman who could sing with the effortless power and grace of Julie Andrews, Any Dream Will Do will see Andrew Lloyd Webber looking for a bloke who sounds like Phillip Schofield.

Sounds like a ratings smash, we’re sure.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Matt Dawson To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

A very strange thing happened on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing; Emma Bunton – the early favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing, the judges’ favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing and the most consistent dancer – was voted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Why was Emma Bunton voted off? Surely it can’t be because she isn’t popular with the public any more, can it? Well, Emma’s elimination from Strictly Come Dancing did happen around the same time that her new album limped to number 65 in the album charts, so it’s a real possibility. Something tells us that this long-promised Spice Girls reunion might just be taking place at an abandoned bus shelter if she doesn’t a lot more famous a lot more quickly.

But this Saturday is the final of Strictly Come Dancing, so let’s focus on that shall we? Tomorrow we’ll look at the unfaithful cricketer, but today we’re checking out the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson…

A very strange thing happened on Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing; Emma Bunton - the early favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing, the judges' favourite to win Strictly Come Dancing and the most consistent dancer - was voted off Strictly Come Dancing. Why was Emma Bunton voted off? Surely it can't be because she isn't popular with the public any more, can it? Well, Emma's elimination from Strictly Come Dancing did happen around the same time that her new album limped to number 65 in the album charts, so it's a real possibility. Something tells us that this long-promised Spice Girls reunion might just be taking place at an abandoned bus shelter if she doesn't a lot more famous a lot more quickly. But this Saturday is the final of Strictly Come Dancing, so let's focus on that shall we? Tomorrow we'll look at the unfaithful cricketer, but today we're checking out the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson...
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Christina Ricci Sorry For Wearing Furry Clothes

by Stuart Heritage

Christina Ricci is in an unenviable situation. Not only does her giant inflatable head prevent her from being able to explore the majesty of the stalactite display at Treak Cavern in Derbyshire for fear of popping, but also she annoys people by wearing fur.

You see, Christina Ricci – star of The Addams Family and no other films that you’re ever likely to go and see – was recently named by PETA as one of the worst-dressed human beings on the face of the entire planet after she appeared on the front cover of a magazine draped in some kind of animal fur. But after literally both of her fans decided that they didn’t want to the fans of a dirty fur-wearer, Christina Ricci has learnt the error of her ways and has promised never to wear animal fur again, as proved on the cover of the January issue of Vogue, where Christina Ricci can be seen dressed in the leathery skin of a homeless man, complete with a necklace made from lips and a natty nipple belt.

Christina Ricci is in an unenviable situation. Not only does her giant inflatable head prevent her from being able to explore the majesty of the stalactite display at Treak Cavern in Derbyshire for fear of popping, but also she annoys people by wearing fur. You see, Christina Ricci - star of The Addams Family and no other films that you're ever likely to go and see - was recently named by PETA as one of the worst-dressed human beings on the face of the entire planet after she appeared on the front cover of a magazine draped in some kind of animal fur. But after literally both of her fans decided that they didn't want to the fans of a dirty fur-wearer, Christina Ricci has learnt the error of her ways and has promised never to wear animal fur again, as proved on the cover of the January issue of Vogue, where Christina Ricci can be seen dressed in the leathery skin of a homeless man, complete with a necklace made from lips and a natty nipple belt.
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Sharon Stone & Christian Slater An Item? Yeeurch!

by Stuart Heritage

At this time of year, you deserve a story to warm the cockles of you heart, and by that we mean ‘run to the sink scratching at your eyes and tongue to try and get the images out of your mind’ – Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are totally doing it.

Maybe we’re being too hard on Sharon Stone and Christian Slater – after all, what is Christmas if not a time to get it on with a filmstar who hasn’t really been properly famous for a decade? However, don’t rush out and bet on a Sharon Stone/ Christian Slater wedding any time soon – both sets of publicists seem determined to put out as many “Come on, you know he/she can do better that THAT” statements as they can. Which is kind of a shame, because we were under the impression that when the guy from Churchill: The Hollywood Years gets together with her out of Sliver, the resulting offspring would grow up to lead mankind into the stage of evolution. We think we read that in The Bible.

At this time of year, you deserve a story to warm the cockles of you heart, and by that we mean 'run to the sink scratching at your eyes and tongue to try and get the images out of your mind' - Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are totally doing it. Maybe we're being too hard on Sharon Stone and Christian Slater - after all, what is Christmas if not a time to get it on with a filmstar who hasn't really been properly famous for a decade? However, don't rush out and bet on a Sharon Stone/ Christian Slater wedding any time soon - both sets of publicists seem determined to put out as many "Come on, you know he/she can do better that THAT" statements as they can. Which is kind of a shame, because we were under the impression that when the guy from Churchill: The Hollywood Years gets together with her out of Sliver, the resulting offspring would grow up to lead mankind into the stage of evolution. We think we read that in The Bible.
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The Three Christmases Of Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie

by Stuart Heritage

Christmas is a time for the children, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have more children than anyone else; but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s kids are from all over the bloody world – that’s going to cause all kinds of problems on Christmas day, right?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now have a Cambodian child, an Ethiopian child and an American child, so how are they supposed to celebrate Christmas without offending the indigenous cultures that Brad and Angelina tore their two adopted non-Shiloh kids out of? Luckily Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come up with a cunning plan to counter this – they’re having three different, culture-respecting Christmases, probably combined with three long justifications explaining that actually it is fair that Shiloh Nouvel got a limited-edition Xbox 360 while Maddox had to make do with one small bottle of scented water given to him in April for Songkran, because of religion and culture and that.

Christmas is a time for the children, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have more children than anyone else; but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's kids are from all over the bloody world - that's going to cause all kinds of problems on Christmas day, right? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie now have a Cambodian child, an Ethiopian child and an American child, so how are they supposed to celebrate Christmas without offending the indigenous cultures that Brad and Angelina tore their two adopted non-Shiloh kids out of? Luckily Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have come up with a cunning plan to counter this - they're having three different, culture-respecting Christmases, probably combined with three long justifications explaining that actually it is fair that Shiloh Nouvel got a limited-edition Xbox 360 while Maddox had to make do with one small bottle of scented water given to him in April for Songkran, because of religion and culture and that.
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