Article Archive for December 2006
Time to shed a sad tear, as after tomorrow you're not going to get the chance to see a bunch of semi-famous nincompoops titting around in front of Bruce Forsyth in sparkly manblouses for almost a year - it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow.
Over the last three or four months we've been on a rollercoaster of a Strictly Come Dancing journey, from Jimmy Tarbuck bottling out early on to all of the black dancers being voted out outrageously early to... actually, the rest of Strictly Come Dancing was all a little bit samey, come to think of it. Anyway, shut up, it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow, where the balding rugby bloke will go up against the unfaithful cricket bloke. We looked at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds of the balding rugby bloke yesterday, so that can only mean one thing.
Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash...
Just when we thought Britney Spears was starting to understand that she'd never win any new fans if she carried on drunkenly stumbling around Los Angeles showing strangers where K-Fed put his pee-pee, she goes and does something like this.
Actually, no, we're over-reacting. In the big scheme of dumbass ways to wreck your career, what Britney Spears has done to herself is pretty low-level - at least compared to, say, making a four-hour chess-heavy sex tape with her pointless husband. Britney Spears has gone and got a tattoo of a star inked onto her right hand. Don't worry, though - this doesn't mean that Britney Spears is going off the rails again; in fact, in Hebrew a star actually means 'have you put some knickers on this time? Have you? Double check again because, seriously, nobody on Earth wants to look at your mangy bajingo for a second longer than they absolutely have to.'
There's only one thing worse than love gone sour, and that's love gone sour between a pregnant obnoxious former pop star and a man who does the voice of a donkey in films for a living who denies that the baby is his. At Christmas.
It just so happens that this very situation is taking place right now between Scary Spice Mel B and him out of Beverly Hills Cop Eddie Murphy. While Mel B says that she's pregnant with a teeny weeny Eddie Murphy, the adult-sized Eddie Murphy says that someone else must have knocked her up instead. In the real world this would call for an appointment on a DNA test episode of Trisha, but in LA it means that both parties hire $500 an hour lawyers to yell at each other instead. So that's what Mel B has done - and soon it'll be bigshot lawyer Don Engel doing all her baby-related doidy woik.
It's Christmas; usually a time for fresh-faced youngsters to knock on your door and sing carols while you stand around either lap up the festive cheers, worry how much they’ll beg from you or - like us - tell them to piss off and bother someone else.
Music is generally crap this time of year too, with horrible Christmas singles out – which of course we’ve been telling you all about - and it's time for Noddy Holder to reap in the benefits of his one decent song when it gets belted out on pretty much every TV music channel, radio station or adverts for Asda. Instead of bringing you some calm, soothing festive music with an annoying children’s choir in it, we’ve decided to rock out with this week’s band – Fyreon.
Who are anything but calming, soothing and thankfully don’t feature any children.
These are testing times for JK Rowling - every day that she doesn't finish writing the final book of the Harry Potter series is a day that a dump-truck doesn't come to her house loaded up with cash and valuable historical artifacts from around the world.
And JK Rowling is right to feel the pressure too, since she has a big task ahead of her - deciding exactly how to kill Harry Potter in the final book Harry Potter And The Deadly Hallows. We're doing our best to help JK Rowling out, although she hasn't relied to our "Why not have a billion red ants strip the flesh off Harry's bones?" letter yet. Despite our best efforts, the stress of completing the Harry Potter saga is so great that JK Rowling has started dreaming about Harry Potter for the very first time. Perhaps these dreams will influence JK Rowling's writing, and in the new book we'll see Harry Potter's teeth fall out and start screaming at him in his mother's voice in front of all his friends. On the moon.
Yes, we'd like that.
People tend to only recognise Lara Flynn Boyle for the men she hangs around with - like Jack Nicholson and, um, David Spade from Just Shoot Me - but that ends now, because Lara Flynn Boyle has got married to somebody we doubt even she recognises.
According to reports, Lara Flynn Boyle got married in Texas on Sunday to Donald Ray Thomas, who she's apparently been going out with for six entire months. While we're obviously very happy for Lara Flynn Boyle and Donald Ray Thomas, just don't ask us who Donald Ray Thomas is - if we're honest we barely know who Lara Flynn Boyle is.
John Lennon was intrinsically evil. He loved Vietnamese communists, hated heaven, and once drank the pulpy juice from a freshly ground kitten.Maybe we should note that the above statement is all assumption on our part - assumption based on a very valid premise. After all, who does the FBI keep files on? Villains, that's who. And who had their very own FBI villain-file? John Lennon, uh, that's who again.
That's right - there's no other rational explanation about it. The FBI has kept a very secretive file on J. Lennon for years, and up until just recently, all but ten pages of that file have gone public. Those last pages though, the FBI said would go unreleased because they could cause "...military retaliation against the United States."
Well now those last ten pages are out, and you wanna know what was on them?
They say that in a fire, it's the smoke that'll kill you. This is also true in the world of Lost, although there the smoke tends to kill you by making your son talk backwards and then picking you up and throwing you against a bunch of trees until you die.
That's the on-screen world of Lost, of course. The off-screen world of Lost is a little different; yesterday the home of Evangeline Lilly - who plays Kate in Lost - was destroyed in a house fire, and not a single wisp of black smoke turned into a playful horse or a man's dead father, and it didn't even think of showing anybody an important flashback of their life. Luckily Evangeline Lilly wasn't at home when her house burnt down but, now that she's homeless, maybe she'll have to temporarily bunk up with another Lost cast-member. We know what you're thinking - we wouldn't want to share with the fat guy either.
