Posts from December, 2006

Easily the funnest thing about Craig David is that he eats chicken at Christmas instead of turkey, which is guaranteed to prompt a "What? Chicken? You crazy R&B singer" response from any TV interviewer come Christmas time.

What has any of this got to do with Chicken Invaders 3? Not a lot, but it was the only way we could shoehorn in references to both chickens and Christmas. We needn't have bothered, really - we could have just said "Holy shit! Look at that picture of a massive chicken dressed up as Santa getting blown to pieces by a spaceship's laser-cannon!" instead. Anyway, Chicken Invaders 3. If you've played Chicken Invaders 1 or 2, you'll know exactly what to expect from Chicken Invaders 3 - a fleet of evil space chickens are invading the Earth, and it's your job to destroy them with your puny spaceship. Only in Chicken Invaders 3, a lot of the chicken invaders seem to be dressed up vaguely festively. God knows why - maybe they thought it'd be a bit politer given this time of year. In summary - if you like destroying giant alien chickens that are dressed as Father Christmas with a space-cannon, we have a feeling you'll enjoy Chicken Invaders 3.

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Pop music has produced some tripe over the years. Some of our most loathed acts include The Venga Boys, Westlife, McFly, Busted, Five, Take That, Steps and anything from shows like X Factor, Fame Academy, Pop Off, Manufactured Toss Idol, We’ll Only Be Famous For A Minute Academy and so on.  

But of course there’s always one act that rises above the rest to claim the title of planet Earth's most annoying band/ act/ thing. It's everyone’s unfavourite pop duo The Cheeky Girls. After pissing off most of the country with some obnoxious song about not being shy and touching their arse, The Cheeky Girls thankfully faded back in to obscurity, despite desperately trying to claw back some fame by making a few appearances on rubbish TV shows. Sadly The Cheeky Girls are back in the limelight, and in the middle of a hot political scandal. Did we say 'hot political scandal'? We meant 'the greatest love story of our generation'.

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Looking forward to the festive season? Course you are.

Eh? What's that? You're a bit worried that - what with all the parties being thrown around the nation this time of year - your get-together might be a little disappointing?

Well, fear not. In a quite frankly astonishing display of generosity, the good folks here at hecklerspray have compiled - especially for you - the definitive ten-point plan to staging the perfect Christmas party. Simply follow these tips and everything will work out fine. You hear us? Fine.

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'Tis the season to be jolly. Unless, of course, you're sat on your own in your dingy flat this Xmas watching Ant And Dec's Festive Deadbrain Plebathon on ITV 7.

If you are doing that, we imagine that the look of unbridled horror on your face would closely resemble the poor young mites in this seasonal web gallery. Scared Of Santa is a collection of pictures of children meeting up with their favourite beardy present-giver. And being absolutely scared witless by the man.

Of course, if hecklerspray had any sort of compassion whatsoever, we'd suggest that these snapshots will tug at your heartstrings and make you want to reach inside the computer to give the terrified kids a big reassuring cuddle. As things stand, we'll just settle for sitting here with a mug-glass of whiskey screaming the words "serves you right for being so fucking noisy in the cinema, you little shits" instead.

Mind you - the paper-mache Santa on page five will be giving us nightmares for weeks.

Scared Of Santa  

Time to shed a sad tear, as after tomorrow you're not going to get the chance to see a bunch of semi-famous nincompoops titting around in front of Bruce Forsyth in sparkly manblouses for almost a year - it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow.

Over the last three or four months we've been on a rollercoaster of a Strictly Come Dancing journey, from Jimmy Tarbuck bottling out early on to all of the black dancers being voted out outrageously early to… actually, the rest of Strictly Come Dancing was all a little bit samey, come to think of it. Anyway, shut up, it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow, where the balding rugby bloke will go up against the unfaithful cricket bloke. We looked at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds of the balding rugby bloke yesterday, so that can only mean one thing.

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash…

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Just when we thought Britney Spears was starting to understand that she'd never win any new fans if she carried on drunkenly stumbling around Los Angeles showing strangers where K-Fed put his pee-pee, she goes and does something like this.

Actually, no, we're over-reacting. In the big scheme of dumbass ways to wreck your career, what Britney Spears has done to herself is pretty low-level - at least compared to, say, making a four-hour chess-heavy sex tape with her pointless husband. Britney Spears has gone and got a tattoo of a star inked onto her right hand. Don't worry, though - this doesn't mean that Britney Spears is going off the rails again; in fact, in Hebrew a star actually means 'have you put some knickers on this time? Have you? Double check again because, seriously, nobody on Earth wants to look at your mangy bajingo for a second longer than they absolutely have to.' 

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There's only one thing worse than love gone sour, and that's love gone sour between a pregnant obnoxious former pop star and a man who does the voice of a donkey in films for a living who denies that the baby is his. At Christmas.

It just so happens that this very situation is taking place right now between Scary Spice Mel B and him out of Beverly Hills Cop Eddie Murphy. While Mel B says that she's pregnant with a teeny weeny Eddie Murphy, the adult-sized Eddie Murphy says that someone else must have knocked her up instead. In the real world this would call for an appointment on a DNA test episode of Trisha, but in LA it means that both parties hire $500 an hour lawyers to yell at each other instead. So that's what Mel B has done - and soon it'll be bigshot lawyer Don Engel doing all her baby-related doidy woik.

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It's Christmas; usually a time for fresh-faced youngsters to knock on your door and sing carols while you stand around either lap up the festive cheers, worry how much they’ll beg from you or - like us - tell them to piss off and bother someone else.

Music is generally crap this time of year too, with horrible Christmas singles out – which of course we’ve been telling you all about - and it's time for Noddy Holder to reap in the benefits of his one decent song when it gets belted out on pretty much every TV music channel, radio station or adverts for Asda. Instead of bringing you some calm, soothing festive music with an annoying children’s choir in it, we’ve decided to rock out with this week’s band – Fyreon.

Who are anything but calming, soothing and thankfully don’t feature any children.

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These are testing times for JK Rowling - every day that she doesn't finish writing the final book of the Harry Potter series is a day that a dump-truck doesn't come to her house loaded up with cash and valuable historical artifacts from around the world.

And JK Rowling is right to feel the pressure too, since she has a big task ahead of her - deciding exactly how to kill Harry Potter in the final book Harry Potter And The Deadly Hallows. We're doing our best to help JK Rowling out, although she hasn't relied to our "Why not have a billion red ants strip the flesh off Harry's bones?" letter yet. Despite our best efforts, the stress of completing the Harry Potter saga is so great that JK Rowling has started dreaming about Harry Potter for the very first time. Perhaps these dreams will influence JK Rowling's writing, and in the new book we'll see Harry Potter's teeth fall out and start screaming at him in his mother's voice in front of all his friends. On the moon.

Yes, we'd like that.

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People tend to only recognise Lara Flynn Boyle for the men she hangs around with - like Jack Nicholson and, um, David Spade from Just Shoot Me - but that ends now, because Lara Flynn Boyle has got married to somebody we doubt even she recognises.

According to reports, Lara Flynn Boyle got married in Texas on Sunday to Donald Ray Thomas, who she's apparently been going out with for six entire months. While we're obviously very happy for Lara Flynn Boyle and Donald Ray Thomas, just don't ask us who Donald Ray Thomas is - if we're honest we barely know who Lara Flynn Boyle is.

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John Lennon was intrinsically evil. He loved Vietnamese communists, hated heaven, and once drank the pulpy juice from a freshly ground kitten.

Maybe we should note that the above statement is all assumption on our part - assumption based on a very valid premise. After all, who does the FBI keep files on? Villains, that's who. And who had their very own FBI villain-file? John Lennon, uh, that's who again.

That's right - there's no other rational explanation about it. The FBI has kept a very secretive file on J. Lennon for years, and up until just recently, all but ten pages of that file have gone public. Those last pages though, the FBI said would go unreleased because they could cause "…military retaliation against the United States."

Well now those last ten pages are out, and you wanna know what was on them?

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They say that in a fire, it's the smoke that'll kill you. This is also true in the world of Lost, although there the smoke tends to kill you by making your son talk backwards and then picking you up and throwing you against a bunch of trees until you die.

That's the on-screen world of Lost, of course. The off-screen world of Lost is a little different; yesterday the home of Evangeline Lilly - who plays Kate in Lost - was destroyed in a house fire, and not a single wisp of black smoke turned into a playful horse or a man's dead father, and it didn't even think of showing anybody an important flashback of their life. Luckily Evangeline Lilly wasn't at home when her house burnt down but, now that she's homeless, maybe she'll have to temporarily bunk up with another Lost cast-member. We know what you're thinking - we wouldn't want to share with the fat guy either.

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