From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Diddy Has The Twin Girls He Kept Yammering On About

by Stuart Heritage

Diddy is a lucky man. Not only has Diddy harnessed the power of half-heartedly mumbling over old Sting records to make more money than you can imagine, but his girlfriend has just given birth to twins, effectively increasing his fanbase by 400%.

Needless to say it’s no surprise that Diddy is suddenly the father of twins, because ever since he discovered that the internet gave him the perfect way to blather on endlessly about how brilliant he is that’s all he’s ever talked about. Touchingly, Diddy has chosen to name his new twin girls after both his grandmother and the grandmother of his girlfriend, who he says had a giant impact on their lives. Trouble is, their grandmothers appear to be a wild west outlaw cowboy and a giant rubberised Japanese lizard that’s hell-bent on destruction, respectively.

Diddy is a lucky man. Not only has Diddy harnessed the power of half-heartedly mumbling over old Sting records to make more money than you can imagine, but his girlfriend has just given birth to twins, effectively increasing his fanbase by 400%. Needless to say it's no surprise that Diddy is suddenly the father of twins, because ever since he discovered that the internet gave him the perfect way to blather on endlessly about how brilliant he is that's all he's ever talked about. Touchingly, Diddy has chosen to name his new twin girls after both his grandmother and the grandmother of his girlfriend, who he says had a giant impact on their lives. Trouble is, their grandmothers appear to be a wild west outlaw cowboy and a giant rubberised Japanese lizard that's hell-bent on destruction, respectively.
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Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows – Coming Sort Of Soonish

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Get used to saying that – Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is the official title for the final Harry Potter book, so it’s inevitable that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will outsell The Bible at some point.

JK Rowling and the Harry Potter publishers yesterday announced the title of the final Harry Potter book yesterday via an annoyingly complicated online game of hangman – Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Now, that’s all we know about the final Harry Potter book – there isn’t even a release date yet – and it’s leading to all sorts of speculation from the children and adults who can’t read proper books yet that make up the Harry Potter fan army. Deathly Hallows? Sounds a bit gloomy – perhaps Harry Potter really will die at the end of the book like everyone says. And just what the hell is a ‘deathly hallows’ anyway? However, hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is a hoax name to give the impression that Harry Potter will come to a nasty end – the real title of the book is Harry Potter And The Lovely Rainbow-Coloured Munchkin Rabbits Of Bibbledy Bobbledy Lane.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Get used to saying that - Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is the official title for the final Harry Potter book, so it's inevitable that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will outsell The Bible at some point. JK Rowling and the Harry Potter publishers yesterday announced the title of the final Harry Potter book yesterday via an annoyingly complicated online game of hangman - Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. Now, that's all we know about the final Harry Potter book - there isn't even a release date yet - and it's leading to all sorts of speculation from the children and adults who can't read proper books yet that make up the Harry Potter fan army. Deathly Hallows? Sounds a bit gloomy - perhaps Harry Potter really will die at the end of the book like everyone says. And just what the hell is a 'deathly hallows' anyway? However, hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is a hoax name to give the impression that Harry Potter will come to a nasty end - the real title of the book is Harry Potter And The Lovely Rainbow-Coloured Munchkin Rabbits Of Bibbledy Bobbledy Lane.
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SLACKERJACK – Chicken Invaders 3

by Stuart Heritage

Easily the funnest thing about Craig David is that he eats chicken at Christmas instead of turkey, which is guaranteed to prompt a “What? Chicken? You crazy R&B singer” response from any TV interviewer come Christmas time.

What has any of this got to do with Chicken Invaders 3? Not a lot, but it was the only way we could shoehorn in references to both chickens and Christmas. We needn’t have bothered, really – we could have just said “Holy shit! Look at that picture of a massive chicken dressed up as Santa getting blown to pieces by a spaceship’s laser-cannon!” instead. Anyway, Chicken Invaders 3. If you’ve played Chicken Invaders 1 or 2, you’ll know exactly what to expect from Chicken Invaders 3 – a fleet of evil space chickens are invading the Earth, and it’s your job to destroy them with your puny spaceship. Only in Chicken Invaders 3, a lot of the chicken invaders seem to be dressed up vaguely festively. God knows why – maybe they thought it’d be a bit politer given this time of year. In summary – if you like destroying giant alien chickens that are dressed as Father Christmas with a space-cannon, we have a feeling you’ll enjoy Chicken Invaders 3.

Order Chicken Invaders 3 Now

Download Chicken Invaders 3

Easily the funnest thing about Craig David is that he eats chicken at Christmas instead of turkey, which is guaranteed to prompt a "What? Chicken? You crazy R&B singer" response from any TV interviewer come Christmas time. What has any of this got to do with Chicken Invaders 3? Not a lot, but it was the only way we could shoehorn in references to both chickens and Christmas. We needn't have bothered, really - we could have just said "Holy shit! Look at that picture of a massive chicken dressed up as Santa getting blown to pieces by a spaceship's laser-cannon!" instead. Anyway, Chicken Invaders 3. If you've played Chicken Invaders 1 or 2, you'll know exactly what to expect from Chicken Invaders 3 - a fleet of evil space chickens are invading the Earth, and it's your job to destroy them with your puny spaceship. Only in Chicken Invaders 3, a lot of the chicken invaders seem to be dressed up vaguely festively. God knows why - maybe they thought it'd be a bit politer given this time of year. In summary - if you like destroying giant alien chickens that are dressed as Father Christmas with a space-cannon, we have a feeling you'll enjoy Chicken Invaders 3. Order Chicken Invaders 3 Now Download Chicken Invaders 3
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Cheeky Love Real, Apparently

by Matthew Laidlow

Pop music has produced some tripe over the years. Some of our most loathed acts include The Venga Boys, Westlife, McFly, Busted, Five, Take That, Steps and anything from shows like X Factor, Fame Academy, Pop Off, Manufactured Toss Idol, We’ll Only Be Famous For A Minute Academy and so on.

But of course there’s always one act that rises above the rest to claim the title of planet Earth’s most annoying band/ act/ thing. It’s everyone’s unfavourite pop duo The Cheeky Girls. After pissing off most of the country with some obnoxious song about not being shy and touching their arse, The Cheeky Girls thankfully faded back in to obscurity, despite desperately trying to claw back some fame by making a few appearances on rubbish TV shows. Sadly The Cheeky Girls are back in the limelight, and in the middle of a hot political scandal. Did we say ‘hot political scandal’? We meant ‘the greatest love story of our generation’.

Pop music has produced some tripe over the years. Some of our most loathed acts include The Venga Boys, Westlife, McFly, Busted, Five, Take That, Steps and anything from shows like X Factor, Fame Academy, Pop Off, Manufactured Toss Idol, We’ll Only Be Famous For A Minute Academy and so on. But of course there’s always one act that rises above the rest to claim the title of planet Earth's most annoying band/ act/ thing. It's everyone’s unfavourite pop duo The Cheeky Girls. After pissing off most of the country with some obnoxious song about not being shy and touching their arse, The Cheeky Girls thankfully faded back in to obscurity, despite desperately trying to claw back some fame by making a few appearances on rubbish TV shows. Sadly The Cheeky Girls are back in the limelight, and in the middle of a hot political scandal. Did we say 'hot political scandal'? We meant 'the greatest love story of our generation'.
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hecklerspray Christmas Party Tips

by C J Davies

Looking forward to the festive season? Course you are.

Eh? What’s that? You’re a bit worried that – what with all the parties being thrown around the nation this time of year – your get-together might be a little disappointing?

Well, fear not. In a quite frankly astonishing display of generosity, the good folks here at hecklerspray have compiled – especially for you – the definitive ten-point plan to staging the perfect Christmas party. Simply follow these tips and everything will work out fine. You hear us? Fine.

More…

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Disturbing Christmas Fun: Scared Of Santa

by C J Davies

‘Tis the season to be jolly. Unless, of course, you’re sat on your own in your dingy flat this Xmas watching Ant And Dec’s Festive Deadbrain Plebathon on ITV 7.

If you are doing that, we imagine that the look of unbridled horror on your face would closely resemble the poor young mites in this seasonal web gallery. Scared Of Santa is a collection of pictures of children meeting up with their favourite beardy present-giver. And being absolutely scared witless by the man.

Of course, if hecklerspray had any sort of compassion whatsoever, we’d suggest that these snapshots will tug at your heartstrings and make you want to reach inside the computer to give the terrified kids a big reassuring cuddle. As things stand, we’ll just settle for sitting here with a mug-glass of whiskey screaming the words “serves you right for being so fucking noisy in the cinema, you little shits” instead.

Mind you – the paper-mache Santa on page five will be giving us nightmares for weeks.

Scared Of Santa

'Tis the season to be jolly. Unless, of course, you're sat on your own in your dingy flat this Xmas watching Ant And Dec's Festive Deadbrain Plebathon on ITV 7. If you are doing that, we imagine that the look of unbridled horror on your face would closely resemble the poor young mites in this seasonal web gallery. Scared Of Santa is a collection of pictures of children meeting up with their favourite beardy present-giver. And being absolutely scared witless by the man. Of course, if hecklerspray had any sort of compassion whatsoever, we'd suggest that these snapshots will tug at your heartstrings and make you want to reach inside the computer to give the terrified kids a big reassuring cuddle. As things stand, we'll just settle for sitting here with a mug-glass of whiskey screaming the words "serves you right for being so fucking noisy in the cinema, you little shits" instead. Mind you - the paper-mache Santa on page five will be giving us nightmares for weeks. Scared Of Santa
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Mark Ramprakash To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Time to shed a sad tear, as after tomorrow you’re not going to get the chance to see a bunch of semi-famous nincompoops titting around in front of Bruce Forsyth in sparkly manblouses for almost a year – it’s the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow.

Over the last three or four months we’ve been on a rollercoaster of a Strictly Come Dancing journey, from Jimmy Tarbuck bottling out early on to all of the black dancers being voted out outrageously early to… actually, the rest of Strictly Come Dancing was all a little bit samey, come to think of it. Anyway, shut up, it’s the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow, where the balding rugby bloke will go up against the unfaithful cricket bloke. We looked at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds of the balding rugby bloke yesterday, so that can only mean one thing.

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash…

Time to shed a sad tear, as after tomorrow you're not going to get the chance to see a bunch of semi-famous nincompoops titting around in front of Bruce Forsyth in sparkly manblouses for almost a year - it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow. Over the last three or four months we've been on a rollercoaster of a Strictly Come Dancing journey, from Jimmy Tarbuck bottling out early on to all of the black dancers being voted out outrageously early to... actually, the rest of Strictly Come Dancing was all a little bit samey, come to think of it. Anyway, shut up, it's the Strictly Come Dancing final tomorrow, where the balding rugby bloke will go up against the unfaithful cricket bloke. We looked at the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds of the balding rugby bloke yesterday, so that can only mean one thing. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash...
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Britney Spears Gets Her Hand Covered In Tattoos

by Stuart Heritage

Just when we thought Britney Spears was starting to understand that she’d never win any new fans if she carried on drunkenly stumbling around Los Angeles showing strangers where K-Fed put his pee-pee, she goes and does something like this.

Actually, no, we’re over-reacting. In the big scheme of dumbass ways to wreck your career, what Britney Spears has done to herself is pretty low-level – at least compared to, say, making a four-hour chess-heavy sex tape with her pointless husband. Britney Spears has gone and got a tattoo of a star inked onto her right hand. Don’t worry, though – this doesn’t mean that Britney Spears is going off the rails again; in fact, in Hebrew a star actually means ‘have you put some knickers on this time? Have you? Double check again because, seriously, nobody on Earth wants to look at your mangy bajingo for a second longer than they absolutely have to.’

Just when we thought Britney Spears was starting to understand that she'd never win any new fans if she carried on drunkenly stumbling around Los Angeles showing strangers where K-Fed put his pee-pee, she goes and does something like this. Actually, no, we're over-reacting. In the big scheme of dumbass ways to wreck your career, what Britney Spears has done to herself is pretty low-level - at least compared to, say, making a four-hour chess-heavy sex tape with her pointless husband. Britney Spears has gone and got a tattoo of a star inked onto her right hand. Don't worry, though - this doesn't mean that Britney Spears is going off the rails again; in fact, in Hebrew a star actually means 'have you put some knickers on this time? Have you? Double check again because, seriously, nobody on Earth wants to look at your mangy bajingo for a second longer than they absolutely have to.'
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Mel B Hires Galaxy’s Costliest Lawyer For Eddie Murphy Babyfight

by Stuart Heritage

There’s only one thing worse than love gone sour, and that’s love gone sour between a pregnant obnoxious former pop star and a man who does the voice of a donkey in films for a living who denies that the baby is his. At Christmas.

It just so happens that this very situation is taking place right now between Scary Spice Mel B and him out of Beverly Hills Cop Eddie Murphy. While Mel B says that she’s pregnant with a teeny weeny Eddie Murphy, the adult-sized Eddie Murphy says that someone else must have knocked her up instead. In the real world this would call for an appointment on a DNA test episode of Trisha, but in LA it means that both parties hire $500 an hour lawyers to yell at each other instead. So that’s what Mel B has done – and soon it’ll be bigshot lawyer Don Engel doing all her baby-related doidy woik.

There's only one thing worse than love gone sour, and that's love gone sour between a pregnant obnoxious former pop star and a man who does the voice of a donkey in films for a living who denies that the baby is his. At Christmas. It just so happens that this very situation is taking place right now between Scary Spice Mel B and him out of Beverly Hills Cop Eddie Murphy. While Mel B says that she's pregnant with a teeny weeny Eddie Murphy, the adult-sized Eddie Murphy says that someone else must have knocked her up instead. In the real world this would call for an appointment on a DNA test episode of Trisha, but in LA it means that both parties hire $500 an hour lawyers to yell at each other instead. So that's what Mel B has done - and soon it'll be bigshot lawyer Don Engel doing all her baby-related doidy woik.
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Myspace Trawl – Fyreon

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s Christmas; usually a time for fresh-faced youngsters to knock on your door and sing carols while you stand around either lap up the festive cheers, worry how much they’ll beg from you or – like us – tell them to piss off and bother someone else.

Music is generally crap this time of year too, with horrible Christmas singles out – which of course we’ve been telling you all about – and it’s time for Noddy Holder to reap in the benefits of his one decent song when it gets belted out on pretty much every TV music channel, radio station or adverts for Asda. Instead of bringing you some calm, soothing festive music with an annoying children’s choir in it, we’ve decided to rock out with this week’s band – Fyreon.

Who are anything but calming, soothing and thankfully don’t feature any children.

It's Christmas; usually a time for fresh-faced youngsters to knock on your door and sing carols while you stand around either lap up the festive cheers, worry how much they’ll beg from you or - like us - tell them to piss off and bother someone else. Music is generally crap this time of year too, with horrible Christmas singles out – which of course we’ve been telling you all about - and it's time for Noddy Holder to reap in the benefits of his one decent song when it gets belted out on pretty much every TV music channel, radio station or adverts for Asda. Instead of bringing you some calm, soothing festive music with an annoying children’s choir in it, we’ve decided to rock out with this week’s band – Fyreon. Who are anything but calming, soothing and thankfully don’t feature any children.
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