Article Archive for December 2006
OK, public service blogging time. It's December, and that means one thing - a whole month of listening to the same five crappy Christmas records every time you walk into any shop. We know, we've been there ourselves, and we hate it just as much as you do.
So we're going to do something about it. From
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Well, that was quick. When Gwyneth Paltrow decided to open her heart to a Portuguese newspaper recently, she said that all British people are cleverer, more civilised, more interesting and 38% better in bed than any American that has ever lived.
Or something. Understandably, America flew into a giant tantrum about Gwyneth Paltrow's reputedly anti-American sentiments, jamming up talk-show phonelines to holler Gwyneth-targeted abuse, saying that View From The Top wasn't especially meaningful and pointing out that they are too as civilised as the British because their cousin Bobby Dwayne came third in a regional unironic mullet-growing competition once. And faced with such an overwhelming wave of outrage from the people of her homeland, Gwyneth Paltrow acted like the decent, hardworking American she is and blamed the filthy Portuguese.
We thought that getting the X Factor contestants to sing songs by a particular artist was all done with, since each of the remaining X Factor hopefuls have their own defined styles now, be it power ballads, soft rock ballads or awful sub-Vegas crooning.
But never let it be said that X Factor can't surprise you - on Saturday gurning pop pensioner Barry Manilow was wheeled on as the celebrity guest. That meant that not only did Leona, Ben, The MacDonald Brothers and Ray all have to sing a soppy Barry Manilow tune as their first choice, but they also had to listen to Barry Manilow's advice, which all just the same old rot about trying to imagine a girl called Mandy or a girl that they can't smile without or a girl that could make it magic or a girl who made it through the rain. Or something. To his credit, Barry Manilow did go as far as saying that the X Factor hopefuls were "inspiring" which probably means that his next album is going to be a bone-chilling collection of insipid, off-key Whitney Houston cover versions.
Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ben Mills to win...
Gwyneth Paltrow has played all sorts of characters in her time, but none more challenging than her latest role - now Gwyneth Paltrow is a playing woman who all Americans want to kick up the arse because she likes British people more than them.
You see, in a recent interview Gwyneth Paltrow started spouting off about how British people were more interesting, intelligent and civilised than their American counterparts, and her comments appear to have sparked off some kind of nationwide outrage in America. Sure, we know that a little over a year ago Gwyneth Paltrow said the exact opposite thing and gave Britain a slating, but we're going to ignore that because the sense of validation that we get when a watery macrobiotic wooly-headed ninny who names her children after various pieces of fruit like Gwyneth Paltrow shows slightly more affection towards us than the country her family is from is simply overwhelming.
The birds have provided inspiration for several things, from aeroplanes to Shakespearean plays to rubbish Alfred Hitchcock movies; but now they're also the root of a kickass little album by alarmingly gifted saxophonist and composer Andy Sheppard.
If you've never heard of Andy Sheppard, chances are you'll have heard his stuff - Andy Sheppard has provided scores for BBC documentaries and worked with performers as diverse as Massive Attack, Fela Kuti, Eric Clapton, The New York Dolls, Gil Evans, Elvis Costello and the mighty Ringo Starr. And now Andy Sheppard has come up with The Birds - a staggering album inspired by birdsong that from tranquil contemplative pieces to flat-out dancehall groovers and all the way back again. The Birds by Andy Sheppard is something special, and we're going to let you listen to some of it after the jump.
Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.This week: Ufology/Aliens
Giant slug-like aliens are a pretty rare sight, to state the obvious. In fact, as far as hecklerspray knows, only one such sighting has been reported ever - by a large group of youths in 1952. The creature has come to be known as The Flatwoods Monster, and is popular enough (in a folklorish way) to have its own action figure and movie.
Pete Doherty is a funny old goose, isn't he? In the space of just over a year he's gone from being the critic's dirty-fingernailed darling to a widely-regarded spuff-monkey, but it can't just be because Pete Doherty's music is rubbish, can it?
Of course not - most of the reasons why Pete Doherty is quickly falling out of favour with everyone is because he keeps on ending up in court on tedious drugs charges. Like he was earlier today, turning up for sentencing on one of the roughly 12 billion times he's been arrested for possession of drugs lately. And the good news is that Pete Doherty managed to avoid jail yet again, instead being slapped with a £770 fine and a four-month driving ban. Well, at least that's good news for Kate Moss at least, since she won't have to wait until Pete Doherty gets out of chokey before she can become the wife of a jumped-up tuneless busker now.
The 2006 Billboard Music Awards take place tonight, and it'll be the snooziest awards show of the year, featuring performances from dullards like Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson; so thank God that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are hosting it.
Only that's not exactly what's happening any more. Sadly Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson are both going to be hawking their boring new albums for all they're worth, but Britney Spears and Paris Hilton won't be hosting the Billboard Music Awards any more. Britney Spears pulled out last week and now, right at the eleventh hour, Paris Hilton has decided that she doesn't like the jokes she would have to tell so she's dropped out as well. But the Billboard Music Awards are bigger than one listless, slightly fliddy-looking internet porn star, and so a new megastar presenting team has been drafted in for tonight's ceremony. Ladies and Gentleman, please be upstanding for Richard Blackwood and the woman who played the mandolin in Timbuk 3.
