Article Archive for December 2006
Grand wise old search engine-type Yahoo has revealed its 'most searched for' list of 2006.
And - annoyingly - our repeated entry of 'the hecklerspray writers are the most talented human beings alive' (six hours a day, seven months straight) has failed to make the list.
But that doesn't matter. Because the other results are almost - almost - interesting enough to stop us embarking on a murderous rampage.
Such as the fact that Britney Spears is the most widely searched for 'thing' all year.
Until Saturday, we were beginning to think that X Factor was getting a little bit stale. Every week was the same old thing; a mouldy old rocker shoehorned into an uncomfortably-fitting theme night that's really just an extended advert for their Greatest Hits album.
But all that changed on Saturday's X Factor. Because on Saturday's X Factor everybody got to choose their own song independently of their expert judges, and the result was a masterstroke of deranged lunacy we just didn't think X Factor was capable of. What's that? You want to sing a tartan-bedecked Bay City Rollers song? Whatever you say, turdface. And you? A tuneless Queen song without the aid of any instruments at all? Be my guest you effing moron. Letting the remaining X Factor hopefuls pick their own songs was genius - in one stroke it proved that however bad you think the X Factor judges are at picking songs, they're not as bad as Ray.
Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis to win...
Hold onto your hats people, because all that's stopping the relationship between Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice Mel B from becoming a full-blown episode of Jeremy Kyle is the lack of a vile dot-eyed man in a nasty suit shouting "Liar!" at everyone.
All the other elements are there, but we'll come to that shortly. The point is that Eddie Murphy and Mel B - easily the most bewildering couple of the year - aren't engaged any more. And Eddie Murphy and Mel B aren't even seeing each other any more. But Mel B is still pregnant with what we assumed was Eddie Murphy's baby, which sort of annoys Eddie Murphy. In fact, it annoys Eddie Murphy so much that he chose an innocuous Dreamgirls-promoting appearance on Dutch TV to tell the world that he wants a DNA test to see if Mel B's baby is even his. Confusing? What did you expect?
While it was nice for Lance Bass to show that vaguely celebrityish people can have loving homosexual relationships in the public eye, he's now breaking barriers for other gay couples by splitting up with his boyfriend and releasing a dull statement about it.
Lance Bass had been going out with his boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl for a few months - but heartbreak eventually hits everyone, including one of the rubbish ones from 'N Sync, and Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl have announced that they have split up. As yet there's been no word as to what caused the break-up of Bass and Lehmkuhl, but if we were to hazard a guess we'd say it had something to do with the time that Lance Bass actually swallowed his tongue trying to enunciate Reichen Lehmkuhl's surname clearly for an elderly relative.
George Clooney is one of the most lauded actors of his generation, whether he's winning awards for growing beards in films or advertising booze in commercials, but all the critical acclaim can't hide the fact that George Clooney's pig is dead.
This isn't some kind of metaphor for box office bankability or the weight of George Clooney's reputation amongst his peers - we're talking about George Clooney's actual pig, which is literally dead. George Clooney owned a pig, and now he doesn't because it's dead. For what it's worth, George Clooney's pig had a name - Max - and he lived a full life until he was 19 years old. Which means he probably isn't even good for sausages any more either.
No. Now with that out of the way - substance abuse centres think they're so tough, but they're not. They pride themselves on being impregnable, but they're not. Maybe to a math geek a rehab centre would be inescapable, and panty-waist thespians might find Betty Ford completely containing, but a cowboy'd stick his fist through the front gate as sure as he's rip out a calf's fourth stomach with three chop-sticks and a bic pen! They can do that you know. You can't keep-in cowboys, man! And Keith Urban, inarguably, is a cowboy. An Australian cowboy, but in some parts of Australia that still counts.
So did Keith Urban 'Doherty' his way out of rehab? Was he escorted by circus dwarves, ticker tape and streamers? Only the next page knows for sure.
Awards shows are always dull; full of smug backslapping, cloying sycophancy and hour after hour of watching pointless ornaments being given to fools who barely deserve them, but imagine if all the awards only get shared between a few people?
Well, then you have the Billboard Music Awards. The Billboard Music Awards took place last night in Las Vegas, and to make up for the lack of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears hosting the awards, the Billboard Music Awards organisers struck upon a novel gimmick - they'd give most of the awards directly to Mary J Blige and let the remaining awards get shared out between T.I, Rhianna and a few other people we've never heard of. Why is this a novel gimmick for the Billboard Music Awards organisers to try out? Because Mary J Blige is shit, obviously.
Of all the shit jobs in the world, working at an acid factory has to be up there with the very worst. Imagine coming home from a hard day's graft down the acid factory, your uniform half-dissolved from all the acid, looking at your acid-blistered face in the mirror and wondering why no girls will talk to you.Even games ...
