From the monthly archives:

December 2006

X Factor Betting Odds: MacDonald Brothers Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Oh stop kidding yourself Scotland, it had to happen at some point. X Factor now has to continue without the well-hidden talents of everyone’s favourite dull-as-boxes creepy Scottish brother-and-brother singing duo, The MacDonald Brothers.

But, and this is something we’d never thought we’d find ourselves writing, The MacDonald Brothers didn’t go down without a fight. Well, as much fight as two weedy-looking wedding singers are capable of, which really isn’t a lot. Their version of Can’t Smile Without You would have sounded exactly like the sort of performance that cub scouts give at nursing homes to get their Making Senile Old People Happy Via The Power Of Bland Music badges were it not for the giant terrifying off-key note at the end, which our scientists have proved is the exact same note that is played in old films to signify that a character has become mentally unstable. Not even a Jive Bunny-sounding version of Shang-A-Lang by The Bay City Rollers that was backed by flapping tartan and literally couldn’t have been more Scottish if they’d have sung it drunk on Tennents Super under a railway arch could save them.

But now that The MacDonald Brothers are done for, who’ll win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn…

Oh stop kidding yourself Scotland, it had to happen at some point. X Factor now has to continue without the well-hidden talents of everyone's favourite dull-as-boxes creepy Scottish brother-and-brother singing duo, The MacDonald Brothers. But, and this is something we'd never thought we'd find ourselves writing, The MacDonald Brothers didn't go down without a fight. Well, as much fight as two weedy-looking wedding singers are capable of, which really isn't a lot. Their version of Can't Smile Without You would have sounded exactly like the sort of performance that cub scouts give at nursing homes to get their Making Senile Old People Happy Via The Power Of Bland Music badges were it not for the giant terrifying off-key note at the end, which our scientists have proved is the exact same note that is played in old films to signify that a character has become mentally unstable. Not even a Jive Bunny-sounding version of Shang-A-Lang by The Bay City Rollers that was backed by flapping tartan and literally couldn't have been more Scottish if they'd have sung it drunk on Tennents Super under a railway arch could save them. But now that The MacDonald Brothers are done for, who'll win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded for this week’s good shit, Creased for the bad.

Folded:

* Voting (for me, The Heckler, at the Empire Thunderdome! Click on Chris and receive much telepathic thanks from myself)
* Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen’s ultra-gay Austrian TV reporter is set for the big movie treatment in 2008. Expect belly laughs)
* CSS in The Guardian Guide (means it is officially okay to hate them now. Phew)
* Eu Vin Acasa Cu Drag by Stefan de la Barbulesti (download it, you won’t be disappointed)
* Film4(+1) (this whole one-hour-later concept is a top idea. Every channel should get involved, except ITV3. If you are that desperate to see re-runs of Rumpole of the Bailey you should catch them first time around)

Creased:

* Not voting (constructive feedback always appreciated, but you are still being a tad bit mean)
* That fucking Orange ‘Svetlana sucks lemons’ advert (the most unbelievably effected, portentous – aghhhh!!!!!!!! That song!!!!)
* Joanna Newsom (see above. Apparently disappeared up her own arse last Tuesday. No-one reported to care)
* Oxfam’s ‘buy a present for someone who needs it’ drive (yeah, splashing out on some school desks or a well for some impoverished village is a great idea, but how much of your cash actually gets there? Border sieges, administration, corrupt government officials – it all adds up)
* Carlsberg Edge (if you want to drink lager and lime, just be a man and order it)

Also thanks to everyone who contributed re. Battlecat’s alter-ego. Cringer, not Granger, so there you go.

Now if anyone can name Man-At-Arm’s other self without Googling (honesty required) we would all be really impressed.

Folded for this week’s good shit, Creased for the bad. Folded: * Voting (for me, The Heckler, at the Empire Thunderdome! Click on Chris and receive much telepathic thanks from myself) * Bruno (Sacha Baron Cohen’s ultra-gay Austrian TV reporter is set for the big movie treatment in 2008. Expect belly laughs) * CSS in The Guardian Guide (means it is officially okay to hate them now. Phew) * Eu Vin Acasa Cu Drag by Stefan de la Barbulesti (download it, you won’t be disappointed) * Film4(+1) (this whole one-hour-later concept is a top idea. Every channel should get involved, except ITV3. If you are that desperate to see re-runs of Rumpole of the Bailey you should catch them first time around) Creased: * Not voting (constructive feedback always appreciated, but you are still being a tad bit mean) * That fucking Orange ‘Svetlana sucks lemons’ advert (the most unbelievably effected, portentous - aghhhh!!!!!!!! That song!!!!) * Joanna Newsom (see above. Apparently disappeared up her own arse last Tuesday. No-one reported to care) * Oxfam’s ‘buy a present for someone who needs it’ drive (yeah, splashing out on some school desks or a well for some impoverished village is a great idea, but how much of your cash actually gets there? Border sieges, administration, corrupt government officials - it all adds up) * Carlsberg Edge (if you want to drink lager and lime, just be a man and order it) Also thanks to everyone who contributed re. Battlecat’s alter-ego. Cringer, not Granger, so there you go. Now if anyone can name Man-At-Arm’s other self without Googling (honesty required) we would all be really impressed.
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Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week: Kid Rock

by Stuart Heritage

It’s almost Christmas. If you can’t buy a loved one a T-shirt with “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut!” written all over it, then – really – when can you?

That’s right – it’s time for this week’s Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week, where we take the dumbest thing a celebrity has said over the last seven days, bung it on the front of a lovely comfortable T-shirt and flog it to you like we thought the words up in the first place. For you.

This week’s Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week comes from the only real celebrity story of the week – the Pamela Anderson/ Kid Rock divorce. Now, as you all know Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after four arduous months of marriage, and it’s all thanks to Borat. Reports say that when Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in Borat for the very first time, his response was an unusually angry “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut!” and that was that. And now you can have your very own male or female Kid Rock “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut!” T-shirt delivered straight to your door for hardly any money at all really. We’re good to you, you know.

Well, it was either this or a Lindsay Lohan “Cokehead! CUNT!” T-shirt.

Get your Kid Rock “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut!” T-shirt now

It's almost Christmas. If you can't buy a loved one a T-shirt with "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut!" written all over it, then - really - when can you? That's right - it's time for this week's Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week, where we take the dumbest thing a celebrity has said over the last seven days, bung it on the front of a lovely comfortable T-shirt and flog it to you like we thought the words up in the first place. For you. This week's Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week comes from the only real celebrity story of the week - the Pamela Anderson/ Kid Rock divorce. Now, as you all know Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after four arduous months of marriage, and it's all thanks to Borat. Reports say that when Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in Borat for the very first time, his response was an unusually angry "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut!" and that was that. And now you can have your very own male or female Kid Rock "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut!" T-shirt delivered straight to your door for hardly any money at all really. We're good to you, you know. Well, it was either this or a Lindsay Lohan "Cokehead! CUNT!" T-shirt. Get your Kid Rock "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut!" T-shirt now
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CD Review: The Grates, Gravity Won’t Get You High

by Stuart Heritage

You know how when one band gets popular, a wave of inferior bands copying the first band floods the market, like The Monkees copying The Beatles, Northern Uproar copying Oasis or The Fratellis copying The Libertines?

Well, on first appearance The Grates are an inevitable facsimile of Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It’s all laid out for everyone to see – they’re a three-piece new wavey-type band with a pretty girl singer who dresses a bit odd. As such, we expected Gravity Won’t Get You High by The Grates to be a rush-job of Fever To Tell knock-offs and nothing more. How wrong we were – Gravity Won’t Get You High by The Grates is a multicolour splurge of songs so strong they’ll knock you into the gutter.

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Anti-Semitic Mel Gibson Feels Bad For Racist Michael Richards

by Stuart Heritage

A lot of unusual things happen to a person once it gets reported that they held up their drink-driving arrest to declare that people of Jewish faith had been the evil masterminds behind every single piece of global conflict in the history of the world.

When this happened to Mel Gibson in the summer, he may well have expected that he’d become – temporarily at least – a bit of an outcast in Hollywood circles. Chances are, though, that Mel Gibson didn’t expect to become a fully paid-up expert on celebrities saying insanely offensive things. But that’s what Mel Gibson is – people are lining up to ask him what he thinks about Michael Richards, the former Seinfeld star who recently decided to quit his job as a comedian in order to take up screaming disturbingly racist insults at black people in front of an audience. For the record, Mel Gibson ‘feels bad’ about Michael Richards, so at least we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that.

A lot of unusual things happen to a person once it gets reported that they held up their drink-driving arrest to declare that people of Jewish faith had been the evil masterminds behind every single piece of global conflict in the history of the world. When this happened to Mel Gibson in the summer, he may well have expected that he'd become - temporarily at least - a bit of an outcast in Hollywood circles. Chances are, though, that Mel Gibson didn't expect to become a fully paid-up expert on celebrities saying insanely offensive things. But that's what Mel Gibson is - people are lining up to ask him what he thinks about Michael Richards, the former Seinfeld star who recently decided to quit his job as a comedian in order to take up screaming disturbingly racist insults at black people in front of an audience. For the record, Mel Gibson 'feels bad' about Michael Richards, so at least we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that.
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CD Review: Various, Dan Y Cownter 2

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a song on the hecklerspray iPod entitled Welsh Bands Suck that contains the pretty much universal line “Oh no/ They sing in Welsh/ Ach llach llach llach llach llach/ Llach llach llach llach.”

And who’s to argue with that? In fact, most Welsh bands that sing in English are pretty lousy too. Catatonia. The Stereophonics. The Manic Street Preachers. We could go on, but we’d just depress ourselves. And when Welsh bands do decide to sing in Welsh the result tends to be the same trad bollocks, just accompanied by the noise of a man who appears to be choking on a pair of shoelaces.

And there we were, happy with our alarmingly xenophobic opinions, until Dan Y Cownter 2 landed on our desk. Now we’ve changed our minds. Welsh bands don’t suck, we’ve decided. Some of them are pretty bloody godidog.

There's a song on the hecklerspray iPod entitled Welsh Bands Suck that contains the pretty much universal line "Oh no/ They sing in Welsh/ Ach llach llach llach llach llach/ Llach llach llach llach." And who's to argue with that? In fact, most Welsh bands that sing in English are pretty lousy too. Catatonia. The Stereophonics. The Manic Street Preachers. We could go on, but we'd just depress ourselves. And when Welsh bands do decide to sing in Welsh the result tends to be the same trad bollocks, just accompanied by the noise of a man who appears to be choking on a pair of shoelaces. And there we were, happy with our alarmingly xenophobic opinions, until Dan Y Cownter 2 landed on our desk. Now we've changed our minds. Welsh bands don't suck, we've decided. Some of them are pretty bloody godidog.
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The View Girls Love ‘Fun Drunk’ Danny DeVito

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a slight discrepancy about the way drunks are treated these days. For instance, if you start staggering around your estranged daughter’s infant school at noon drunk and crying and naked from the waist down, you get called a monster. Um, we heard.

However, if you drink the same amount of booze and head off to a nationally-broadcast daytime TV show where you burp, slur, ramble uncontrollably about having sex with your wife in the bed of a president and then do a monkey impression, you get treated as some kind of hero. Just look at Danny DeVito. On Wednesday morning Danny DeVito turned a simple promotional interview for his rubbish new movie on The View into a virtuoso performance in booze-induced dishevelled bewilderment; but instead of being banned from daytime TV altogether, he’s been told he’s free to go back on The View whenever he likes. Danny DeVito is a “fun drunk,” you see, not one of those horrible drunks who hit you in the face and then try to rape you.

There's a slight discrepancy about the way drunks are treated these days. For instance, if you start staggering around your estranged daughter's infant school at noon drunk and crying and naked from the waist down, you get called a monster. Um, we heard. However, if you drink the same amount of booze and head off to a nationally-broadcast daytime TV show where you burp, slur, ramble uncontrollably about having sex with your wife in the bed of a president and then do a monkey impression, you get treated as some kind of hero. Just look at Danny DeVito. On Wednesday morning Danny DeVito turned a simple promotional interview for his rubbish new movie on The View into a virtuoso performance in booze-induced dishevelled bewilderment; but instead of being banned from daytime TV altogether, he's been told he's free to go back on The View whenever he likes. Danny DeVito is a "fun drunk," you see, not one of those horrible drunks who hit you in the face and then try to rape you.
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50 Cent Not Really A Fan Of Oprah Winfrey

by Stuart Heritage

You don’t get to be as street as 50 Cent by accident, you know. It takes real dedication to the cause of having a six-pack and mumbling monotonously about going down the sweet shop to get where 50 Cent is, not watching daytime TV.

OK, so that’s a lie. 50 Cent loves daytime TV. He can’t get enough of it, especially the episodes of Martha where Martha Stewart teaches the viewer how to assemble a car safety kit properly. Just because he’s a gangsta doesn’t mean that 50 Cent can go without a sensibly maintained car safety kit. But even though 50 Cent loves daytime TV more than words can say, there are some things about daytime TV that 50 Cent just can’t abide. Like Oprah Winfrey. 50 Cent bloody well can’t stand Oprah Winfrey, and he wants to tell the world about it.

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Britney Spears’ 55-Hour Husband To Write About Humping Her

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray had an ex write a book on us once. It was horrible. She detailed our most intimate secrets, like how most of our time was spent in hecklerspray's mom's basement on weekday afternoons/early evenings drinking lukewarm capri-sun with a five-foot boa constrictor draped around our neck. Now that's just private, man! And you know [...]

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Eva Longoria Getting Married To That Bloke She Dumped

by Stuart Heritage

The path of true love never runs smoothly, they say. And while that’s true for hopelessly unfamous mortals like us, it goes double for solid gold celebrity demigods like walking cameltoe Eva Longoria and that tall bloke she’s going out with.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have weathered a fair amount of storms in their time together, but it’s all going to end happily ever after for them both – Eva Longoria has announced that they’re going to get married. Although with Eva Longoria’s perennial talent for saying completely moronic things at any given moment in time, we imagine that the news of her impending wedding has been greeted warmly by everyone except for Tony Parker, who we expect is currently splitting his time between dreaming up the best way to fake his own death and trying to work out how the phrase “Are we out of milk?” could possibly have been construed as “I want to get married to you, Eva Longoria. I want to get married to you FOREVER.”

The path of true love never runs smoothly, they say. And while that's true for hopelessly unfamous mortals like us, it goes double for solid gold celebrity demigods like walking cameltoe Eva Longoria and that tall bloke she's going out with. Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have weathered a fair amount of storms in their time together, but it's all going to end happily ever after for them both - Eva Longoria has announced that they're going to get married. Although with Eva Longoria's perennial talent for saying completely moronic things at any given moment in time, we imagine that the news of her impending wedding has been greeted warmly by everyone except for Tony Parker, who we expect is currently splitting his time between dreaming up the best way to fake his own death and trying to work out how the phrase "Are we out of milk?" could possibly have been construed as "I want to get married to you, Eva Longoria. I want to get married to you FOREVER."
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