From the monthly archives:

December 2006

X Factor Betting Odds: Ben Mills

by Stuart Heritage

We thought that getting the X Factor contestants to sing songs by a particular artist was all done with, since each of the remaining X Factor hopefuls have their own defined styles now, be it power ballads, soft rock ballads or awful sub-Vegas crooning.

But never let it be said that X Factor can’t surprise you – on Saturday gurning pop pensioner Barry Manilow was wheeled on as the celebrity guest. That meant that not only did Leona, Ben, The MacDonald Brothers and Ray all have to sing a soppy Barry Manilow tune as their first choice, but they also had to listen to Barry Manilow’s advice, which all just the same old rot about trying to imagine a girl called Mandy or a girl that they can’t smile without or a girl that could make it magic or a girl who made it through the rain. Or something. To his credit, Barry Manilow did go as far as saying that the X Factor hopefuls were “inspiring” which probably means that his next album is going to be a bone-chilling collection of insipid, off-key Whitney Houston cover versions.

Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ben Mills to win…

We thought that getting the X Factor contestants to sing songs by a particular artist was all done with, since each of the remaining X Factor hopefuls have their own defined styles now, be it power ballads, soft rock ballads or awful sub-Vegas crooning. But never let it be said that X Factor can't surprise you - on Saturday gurning pop pensioner Barry Manilow was wheeled on as the celebrity guest. That meant that not only did Leona, Ben, The MacDonald Brothers and Ray all have to sing a soppy Barry Manilow tune as their first choice, but they also had to listen to Barry Manilow's advice, which all just the same old rot about trying to imagine a girl called Mandy or a girl that they can't smile without or a girl that could make it magic or a girl who made it through the rain. Or something. To his credit, Barry Manilow did go as far as saying that the X Factor hopefuls were "inspiring" which probably means that his next album is going to be a bone-chilling collection of insipid, off-key Whitney Houston cover versions. Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ben Mills to win...
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Yay! Gwyneth Paltrow Likes The British More Than Americans

by Stuart Heritage

Gwyneth Paltrow has played all sorts of characters in her time, but none more challenging than her latest role – now Gwyneth Paltrow is a playing woman who all Americans want to kick up the arse because she likes British people more than them.

You see, in a recent interview Gwyneth Paltrow started spouting off about how British people were more interesting, intelligent and civilised than their American counterparts, and her comments appear to have sparked off some kind of nationwide outrage in America. Sure, we know that a little over a year ago Gwyneth Paltrow said the exact opposite thing and gave Britain a slating, but we’re going to ignore that because the sense of validation that we get when a watery macrobiotic wooly-headed ninny who names her children after various pieces of fruit like Gwyneth Paltrow shows slightly more affection towards us than the country her family is from is simply overwhelming.

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Gwyneth Paltrow has played all sorts of characters in her time, but none more challenging than her latest role - now Gwyneth Paltrow is a playing woman who all Americans want to kick up the arse because she likes British people more than them. You see, in a recent interview Gwyneth Paltrow started spouting off about how British people were more interesting, intelligent and civilised than their American counterparts, and her comments appear to have sparked off some kind of nationwide outrage in America. Sure, we know that a little over a year ago Gwyneth Paltrow said the exact opposite thing and gave Britain a slating, but we're going to ignore that because the sense of validation that we get when a watery macrobiotic wooly-headed ninny who names her children after various pieces of fruit like Gwyneth Paltrow shows slightly more affection towards us than the country her family is from is simply overwhelming. More...
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World Exclusive – Andy Sheppard, The Birds

by Stuart Heritage

Usually if you tell someone that you’re interested in buying an album of birdsong, you’ve every reason to expect to be stabbed in the neck by a mob of outraged music-lovers. Up until now, Bill Oddie has been the only person who can be excused for buying a CD of birdsong, since a) he likes Prince, b) he’s got a drumkit in his house and c) a cow pissed on his face live on breakfast TV once. And unless those three things apply to you, you can’t be afforded the same forgiveness.

That is, unless it’s The Birds by Andy Sheppard that you’re buying. Andy Sheppard is one of those rare creatures, a British musician who has made a giant impact on the international jazz scene, and The Birds is testament to his talent. Rumour has it that The Birds came into being when Andy Sheppard decided to see where he could take his collection of natural field-taped birdsong recordings musically; and just like birdsong itself, The Birds by Andy Sheppard is a wonderfully diverse collection of tunes. But what does it sound like?

Once you’re locked into the kind of thing you’ll be getting from The Birds, the songs within act as a constant drip-feed of secrets and hidden avenues that you just don’t hear first time round. Take The Birds opener, Float. Although birdsong is the one constant, Andy Sheppard dazzles the listener to such a treasure trove of influences – from Music For Airports-era Eno to Kraftwerk to Angelo Badalamenti’s Twin Peaks score – that you’re still discovering dreamy new aspects to it after your play-count has hit double figures.

And this is a trick that The Birds by Andy Sheppard plays time and time again – and by keeping birdsong as the bed for all the tracks to lay on, it gives Andy Sheppard the space to take The Birds wherever he wants. So Slow Blackbird sounds strange at first – there’s a deep exotic cowlike bird calling away amongside the birds you’re more likely to hear in your garden – but everything snaps into place with the introduction of some Get Carter tablas, which Andy Sheppard uses to spin the song off into something that sounds like something from a late Curtis Mayfield album.

Next on The Birds are Golden Oriole and Bird Elements, where Andy Sheppard first accompanies a twittering bird and then imitates it. It’s something that could easily go arse-up and turn into wank, but in Sheppard’s hands it becomes almost Shuggie Otis-like, twisting and turning in on itself until it creates its own fanfare of sorts. Just when you think Andy Sheppard can’t top that moment, he yanks Seyak The Butcherbird out of the bag; a simple call-and-response with a bird that becomes an Afrobeat monster in the blink of an eye. Seyak The Butcherbird is one of the highlights of The Birds , along with D.C, one of the most spine-tinglingly accurate representations of the dawn chorus you’re ever likely to hear, with Sheppard’s saxophone always a presence but never an intrusion.

Without ever settling on one specific mood, The Birds by Andy Sheppard somehow manages to welcome the listener into its deep groove, but that’s something you can hear for yourself. Not only do we have a tiny demo of The Birds by Andy Sheppard for you to try out, but we’re also giving you the chance to get your hands on a splendid MP3 album that you install and play on your computer, import into iTunes and load onto your MP3 player or burn onto CD and print out the accompanying artwork and sleevenotes.

But that’s The Birds by Andy Sheppard – an album which is almost enough to make us calm down and stop taking the piss out of famous people for a while. Almost.

Usually if you tell someone that you're interested in buying an album of birdsong, you've every reason to expect to be stabbed in the neck by a mob of outraged music-lovers. Up until now, Bill Oddie has been the only person who can be excused for buying a CD of birdsong, since a) he likes Prince, b) he's got a drumkit in his house and c) a cow pissed on his face live on breakfast TV once. And unless those three things apply to you, you can't be afforded the same forgiveness. That is, unless it's The Birds by Andy Sheppard that you're buying. Andy Sheppard is one of those rare creatures, a British musician who has made a giant impact on the international jazz scene, and The Birds is testament to his talent. Rumour has it that The Birds came into being when Andy Sheppard decided to see where he could take his collection of natural field-taped birdsong recordings musically; and just like birdsong itself, The Birds by Andy Sheppard is a wonderfully diverse collection of tunes. But what does it sound like? Once you're locked into the kind of thing you'll be getting from The Birds, the songs within act as a constant drip-feed of secrets and hidden avenues that you just don't hear first time round. Take The Birds opener, Float. Although birdsong is the one constant, Andy Sheppard dazzles the listener to such a treasure trove of influences - from Music For Airports-era Eno to Kraftwerk to Angelo Badalamenti's Twin Peaks score - that you're still discovering dreamy new aspects to it after your play-count has hit double figures. And this is a trick that The Birds by Andy Sheppard plays time and time again - and by keeping birdsong as the bed for all the tracks to lay on, it gives Andy Sheppard the space to take The Birds wherever he wants. So Slow Blackbird sounds strange at first - there's a deep exotic cowlike bird calling away amongside the birds you're more likely to hear in your garden - but everything snaps into place with the introduction of some Get Carter tablas, which Andy Sheppard uses to spin the song off into something that sounds like something from a late Curtis Mayfield album. Next on The Birds are Golden Oriole and Bird Elements, where Andy Sheppard first accompanies a twittering bird and then imitates it. It's something that could easily go arse-up and turn into wank, but in Sheppard's hands it becomes almost Shuggie Otis-like, twisting and turning in on itself until it creates its own fanfare of sorts. Just when you think Andy Sheppard can't top that moment, he yanks Seyak The Butcherbird out of the bag; a simple call-and-response with a bird that becomes an Afrobeat monster in the blink of an eye. Seyak The Butcherbird is one of the highlights of The Birds , along with D.C, one of the most spine-tinglingly accurate representations of the dawn chorus you're ever likely to hear, with Sheppard's saxophone always a presence but never an intrusion. Without ever settling on one specific mood, The Birds by Andy Sheppard somehow manages to welcome the listener into its deep groove, but that's something you can hear for yourself. Not only do we have a tiny demo of The Birds by Andy Sheppard for you to try out, but we're also giving you the chance to get your hands on a splendid MP3 album that you install and play on your computer, import into iTunes and load onto your MP3 player or burn onto CD and print out the accompanying artwork and sleevenotes. But that's The Birds by Andy Sheppard - an album which is almost enough to make us calm down and stop taking the piss out of famous people for a while. Almost.
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Awesome Or Off-Putting: The Flatwoods Monster

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Ufology/Aliens

Giant slug-like aliens are a pretty rare sight, to state the obvious. In fact, as far as hecklerspray knows, only one such sighting has been reported ever – by a large group of youths in 1952. The creature has come to be known as The Flatwoods Monster, and is popular enough (in a folklorish way) to have its own action figure and movie.

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Pete Doherty Fined Again For More Drugs Guff

by Stuart Heritage

Pete Doherty is a funny old goose, isn’t he? In the space of just over a year he’s gone from being the critic’s dirty-fingernailed darling to a widely-regarded spuff-monkey, but it can’t just be because Pete Doherty’s music is rubbish, can it?

Of course not – most of the reasons why Pete Doherty is quickly falling out of favour with everyone is because he keeps on ending up in court on tedious drugs charges. Like he was earlier today, turning up for sentencing on one of the roughly 12 billion times he’s been arrested for possession of drugs lately. And the good news is that Pete Doherty managed to avoid jail yet again, instead being slapped with a £770 fine and a four-month driving ban. Well, at least that’s good news for Kate Moss at least, since she won’t have to wait until Pete Doherty gets out of chokey before she can become the wife of a jumped-up tuneless busker now.

Pete Doherty is a funny old goose, isn't he? In the space of just over a year he's gone from being the critic's dirty-fingernailed darling to a widely-regarded spuff-monkey, but it can't just be because Pete Doherty's music is rubbish, can it? Of course not - most of the reasons why Pete Doherty is quickly falling out of favour with everyone is because he keeps on ending up in court on tedious drugs charges. Like he was earlier today, turning up for sentencing on one of the roughly 12 billion times he's been arrested for possession of drugs lately. And the good news is that Pete Doherty managed to avoid jail yet again, instead being slapped with a £770 fine and a four-month driving ban. Well, at least that's good news for Kate Moss at least, since she won't have to wait until Pete Doherty gets out of chokey before she can become the wife of a jumped-up tuneless busker now.
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Paris Hilton Wusses Out Of Billboard Music Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The 2006 Billboard Music Awards take place tonight, and it’ll be the snooziest awards show of the year, featuring performances from dullards like Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson; so thank God that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are hosting it.

Only that’s not exactly what’s happening any more. Sadly Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson are both going to be hawking their boring new albums for all they’re worth, but Britney Spears and Paris Hilton won’t be hosting the Billboard Music Awards any more. Britney Spears pulled out last week and now, right at the eleventh hour, Paris Hilton has decided that she doesn’t like the jokes she would have to tell so she’s dropped out as well. But the Billboard Music Awards are bigger than one listless, slightly fliddy-looking internet porn star, and so a new megastar presenting team has been drafted in for tonight’s ceremony. Ladies and Gentleman, please be upstanding for Richard Blackwood and the woman who played the mandolin in Timbuk 3.

The 2006 Billboard Music Awards take place tonight, and it'll be the snooziest awards show of the year, featuring performances from dullards like Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson; so thank God that Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are hosting it. Only that's not exactly what's happening any more. Sadly Mary J Blige and Janet Jackson are both going to be hawking their boring new albums for all they're worth, but Britney Spears and Paris Hilton won't be hosting the Billboard Music Awards any more. Britney Spears pulled out last week and now, right at the eleventh hour, Paris Hilton has decided that she doesn't like the jokes she would have to tell so she's dropped out as well. But the Billboard Music Awards are bigger than one listless, slightly fliddy-looking internet porn star, and so a new megastar presenting team has been drafted in for tonight's ceremony. Ladies and Gentleman, please be upstanding for Richard Blackwood and the woman who played the mandolin in Timbuk 3.
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Happy Feet More Popular Than Jesus At US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

By all accounts, 2006 has been the year of the disappointing computer-animated movie. Between Barnyard, Hoodwinked and Everyone’s Hero’s inept cheapo lameness, the computer-animated movie world has taken a critical knocking.

Critical, but not fatal – as Happy Feet has shown. Happy Feet, a movie about tap-dancing environmental penguins, is enjoying its third week sitting proudly at the top of the US weekend box office. Happy Feet has already seen off US weekend box office challenges from James Bond and a long film about a tree in a bubble floating across space, but now Happy Feet has defeated its biggest opponent yet – the actual birth of Jesus Christ himself.

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George Clooney Takes The Heat For Sloshed-Up Danny DeVito

by Stuart Heritage

If there’s one thing that our grandparents taught us it’s that when little tiny bald men appear drunk on daytime TV and start describing the graphic details of their sex life in between burping up sick, it’s a thing to be cherished forever.

And that isn’t just what we think – it’s what the whole world thinks. So when Danny DeVito started lurching about on The View last week still twatted on booze from the night before, the world made sure to grab that moment and hold it close to its heart, knowing that it might be decades before a weeny little fat bloke does monkey impressions during a rambling anecdote about The White House to the obvious disdain of Barbara Walters again. Up until now, Danny DeVito’s drinking buddy George Clooney had been keeping schtum about what happened the night before Danny’s appearance on The View, but now George Clooney has given his side of the story and he says he’s willing to “take the heat” for Danny DeVito’s twatted gooning around. Having said that, we’d take the heat for Danny DeVito rather than talk about the rubbish-looking black and white film we’d just made if we were George Clooney too.

If there's one thing that our grandparents taught us it's that when little tiny bald men appear drunk on daytime TV and start describing the graphic details of their sex life in between burping up sick, it's a thing to be cherished forever. And that isn't just what we think - it's what the whole world thinks. So when Danny DeVito started lurching about on The View last week still twatted on booze from the night before, the world made sure to grab that moment and hold it close to its heart, knowing that it might be decades before a weeny little fat bloke does monkey impressions during a rambling anecdote about The White House to the obvious disdain of Barbara Walters again. Up until now, Danny DeVito's drinking buddy George Clooney had been keeping schtum about what happened the night before Danny's appearance on The View, but now George Clooney has given his side of the story and he says he's willing to "take the heat" for Danny DeVito's twatted gooning around. Having said that, we'd take the heat for Danny DeVito rather than talk about the rubbish-looking black and white film we'd just made if we were George Clooney too.
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SLACKERJACK – Lazer Trap

by Stuart Heritage

Now, we know what you’re thinking. You’re judging Lazer Trap by the screenshot already, aren’t you? You saw a grid and a few lines on a black background, thought “ugh, maths” and looked away, didn’t you?

We’re guessing that’s what you did because that’s exactly what we did the first time we saw Lazer Trap too, but then we played it and an entire evening disappeared without us even noticing. Make no mistake, Lazer Trap is so addictive that it makes crack look about as thrilling as a plate of Brussels sprouts. And it couldn’t be simpler, either. In Lazer Trap there are a number of aliens floating around a grid screen, and all you need to do is block off a certain percentage of the screen with the aforementioned lazer trap without any of the aliens interrupting you. OK, that sounds a bit boring too – but give Lazer Trap a go. It’s easily not as crap as it looks or sounds, and if you’re like us, you’ll be playing it for a very long time to come.

Play Lazer Trap now

Now, we know what you're thinking. You're judging Lazer Trap by the screenshot already, aren't you? You saw a grid and a few lines on a black background, thought "ugh, maths" and looked away, didn't you? We're guessing that's what you did because that's exactly what we did the first time we saw Lazer Trap too, but then we played it and an entire evening disappeared without us even noticing. Make no mistake, Lazer Trap is so addictive that it makes crack look about as thrilling as a plate of Brussels sprouts. And it couldn't be simpler, either. In Lazer Trap there are a number of aliens floating around a grid screen, and all you need to do is block off a certain percentage of the screen with the aforementioned lazer trap without any of the aliens interrupting you. OK, that sounds a bit boring too - but give Lazer Trap a go. It's easily not as crap as it looks or sounds, and if you're like us, you'll be playing it for a very long time to come. Play Lazer Trap now
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Madonna & Guy Ritchie Need A Marriage Counsellor

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since Madonna took her child-catching cart to Malawi to tempt its children into moving in with her with a variety of brightly-coloured lollipops, her husband Guy Ritchie has managed to studiously avoid any kind of limelight whatsoever.

Not that anybody was especially upset about not hearing Guy Ritchie’s side of the story – it is Guy Ritchie after all – and it was mostly assumed that he was too busy shooting ramblers or writing another turd-brained gangster movie that nobody will go and see to comment on Madonna’s adoption of little David Banda. However, there might be something more serious going on between Madonna and Guy Ritchie; reports are suggesting that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired a marriage counsellor to try and fix up their knackered marriage.

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