From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Britney Spears: The Most Popular Thing On The Whole Wide Internet

by C J Davies

Grand wise old search engine-type Yahoo has revealed its ‘most searched for’ list of 2006.

And – annoyingly – our repeated entry of ‘the hecklerspray writers are the most talented human beings alive’ (six hours a day, seven months straight) has failed to make the list.

But that doesn’t matter. Because the other results are almost – almost – interesting enough to stop us embarking on a murderous rampage.

Such as the fact that Britney Spears is the most widely searched for ‘thing’ all year.

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X Factor Betting Odds – More Leona Lewis

by Stuart Heritage

Until Saturday, we were beginning to think that X Factor was getting a little bit stale. Every week was the same old thing; a mouldy old rocker shoehorned into an uncomfortably-fitting theme night that’s really just an extended advert for their Greatest Hits album.

But all that changed on Saturday’s X Factor. Because on Saturday’s X Factor everybody got to choose their own song independently of their expert judges, and the result was a masterstroke of deranged lunacy we just didn’t think X Factor was capable of. What’s that? You want to sing a tartan-bedecked Bay City Rollers song? Whatever you say, turdface. And you? A tuneless Queen song without the aid of any instruments at all? Be my guest you effing moron. Letting the remaining X Factor hopefuls pick their own songs was genius – in one stroke it proved that however bad you think the X Factor judges are at picking songs, they’re not as bad as Ray.

Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis to win…

Until Saturday, we were beginning to think that X Factor was getting a little bit stale. Every week was the same old thing; a mouldy old rocker shoehorned into an uncomfortably-fitting theme night that's really just an extended advert for their Greatest Hits album. But all that changed on Saturday's X Factor. Because on Saturday's X Factor everybody got to choose their own song independently of their expert judges, and the result was a masterstroke of deranged lunacy we just didn't think X Factor was capable of. What's that? You want to sing a tartan-bedecked Bay City Rollers song? Whatever you say, turdface. And you? A tuneless Queen song without the aid of any instruments at all? Be my guest you effing moron. Letting the remaining X Factor hopefuls pick their own songs was genius - in one stroke it proved that however bad you think the X Factor judges are at picking songs, they're not as bad as Ray. Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis to win...
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Eddie Murphy & Mel B In Rubbish DNA Test Split

by Stuart Heritage

Hold onto you hats people, because all that’s stopping the relationship between Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice Mel B from becoming a full-blown episode of Jeremy Kyle is the lack of a vile dot-eyed man in a nasty suit shouting “Liar!” at everyone.

All the other elements are there, but we’ll come to that shortly. The point is that Eddie Murphy and Mel B – easily the most bewildering couple of the year – aren’t engaged any more. And Eddie Murphy and Mel B aren’t even seeing each other any more. But Mel B is still pregnant with what we assumed was Eddie Murphy’s baby, which sort of annoys Eddie Murphy. In fact, it annoys Eddie Murphy so much that he chose an innocuous Dreamgirls-promoting appearance on Dutch TV to tell the world that he wants a DNA test to see if Mel B’s baby is even his. Confusing? What did you expect?

Hold onto you hats people, because all that's stopping the relationship between Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice Mel B from becoming a full-blown episode of Jeremy Kyle is the lack of a vile dot-eyed man in a nasty suit shouting "Liar!" at everyone. All the other elements are there, but we'll come to that shortly. The point is that Eddie Murphy and Mel B - easily the most bewildering couple of the year - aren't engaged any more. And Eddie Murphy and Mel B aren't even seeing each other any more. But Mel B is still pregnant with what we assumed was Eddie Murphy's baby, which sort of annoys Eddie Murphy. In fact, it annoys Eddie Murphy so much that he chose an innocuous Dreamgirls-promoting appearance on Dutch TV to tell the world that he wants a DNA test to see if Mel B's baby is even his. Confusing? What did you expect?
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Lance Bass Splits Up With His Unpronounceble Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

While it was nice for Lance Bass to show that vaguely celebrityish people can have loving homosexual relationships in the public eye, he’s now breaking barriers for other gay couples by splitting up with his boyfriend and releasing a dull statement about it.

Lance Bass had been going out with his boyfriend Reichen Lehmkuhl for a few months – but heartbreak eventually hits everyone, including one of the rubbish ones from ‘N Sync, and Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl have announced that they have split up. As yet there’s been no word as to what caused the break-up of Bass and Lehmkuhl, but if we were to hazard a guess we’d say it had something to do with the time that Lance Bass actually swallowed his tongue trying to enunciate Reichen Lehmkuhl’s surname clearly for an elderly relative.

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George Clooney’s Pig – Dead

by Stuart Heritage

George Clooney is one of the most lauded actors of his generation, whether he’s winning awards for growing beards in films or advertising booze in commercials, but all the critical acclaim can’t hide the fact that George Clooney’s pig is dead.

This isn’t some kind of metaphor for box office bankability or the weight of George Clooney’s reputation amongst his peers – we’re talking about George Clooney’s actual pig, which is literally dead. George Clooney owned a pig, and now he doesn’t because it’s dead. For what it’s worth, George Clooney’s pig had a name – Max – and he lived a full life until he was 19 years old. Which means he probably isn’t even good for sausages any more either.

More…

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Did Keith Urban Do A Daring Over The Wall Escape From Rehab?

by Shawn Lindseth

No. Now with that out of the way – substance abuse centres think they’re so tough, but they’re not. They pride themselves on being impregnable, but they’re not.

Maybe to a math geek a rehab centre would be inescapable, and panty-waist thespians might find Betty Ford completely containing, but a cowboy’d stick his fist through the front gate as sure as he’s rip out a calf’s fourth stomach with chop-stick and a bic pen! They can do that you know. You can’t keep-in cowboys, man! And Keith Urban, inarguably, is a cowboy. An Australian cowboy, but in some parts of Australia that still counts.

So did Keith Urban ‘Doherty’ his way out of rehab? Was he escorted by circus dwarves, ticker tape and streamers? Only the next page knows for sure.

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Mary J Blige Tediously Wins Everything At Billboard Music Awards

by Stuart Heritage

Awards shows are always dull; full of smug backslapping, cloying sycophancy and hour after hour of watching pointless ornaments being given to fools who barely deserve them, but imagine if all the awards only get shared between a few people?

Well, then you have the Billboard Music Awards. The Billboard Music Awards took place last night in Las Vegas, and to make up for the lack of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears hosting the awards, the Billboard Music Awards organisers struck upon a novel gimmick – they’d give most of the awards directly to Mary J Blige and let the remaining awards get shared out between T.I, Rhianna and a few other people we’ve never heard of. Why is this a novel gimmick for the Billboard Music Awards organisers to try out? Because Mary J Blige is shit, obviously.

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SLACKERJACK – Acid Factory

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the shit jobs in the world, working at an acid factory has to be up there with the very worst. Imagine coming home from a hard day’s graft down the acid factory, your uniform half-dissolved from all the acid, looking at your acid-blistered face in the mirror and wondering why no girls will talk to you.

Even games about working in an acid factory can convey the grimness of working in an acid factory. Today’s game, if you hadn’t guessed, is Acid Factory. All you need to do in Acid Factory is run around an acid factory picking up batteries, for some reason. However, this being an acid factory, things are less than easy. You have to dodge the acid zombies that stomp around, and the little blobs of acid with eyes. And, as with all good acid factories, the walkways are all suspended above giant unprotected lakes of acid which dissolve you as soon as you touch them. Once you’ve mastered the basics, Acid Factory is a fun, well-designed little isometric platformer. And it just so happens that Acid Factory is based on the real-life adventures of a worker in one of Hartlepool’s biggest acid factories.

Play Acid Factory now

Of all the shit jobs in the world, working at an acid factory has to be up there with the very worst. Imagine coming home from a hard day's graft down the acid factory, your uniform half-dissolved from all the acid, looking at your acid-blistered face in the mirror and wondering why no girls will talk to you. Even games about working in an acid factory can convey the grimness of working in an acid factory. Today's game, if you hadn't guessed, is Acid Factory. All you need to do in Acid Factory is run around an acid factory picking up batteries, for some reason. However, this being an acid factory, things are less than easy. You have to dodge the acid zombies that stomp around, and the little blobs of acid with eyes. And, as with all good acid factories, the walkways are all suspended above giant unprotected lakes of acid which dissolve you as soon as you touch them. Once you've mastered the basics, Acid Factory is a fun, well-designed little isometric platformer. And it just so happens that Acid Factory is based on the real-life adventures of a worker in one of Hartlepool's biggest acid factories. Play Acid Factory now
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Free New Crap: Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix)

by Stuart Heritage

OK, public service blogging time. It’s December, and that means one thing – a whole month of listening to the same five crappy Christmas records every time you walk into any shop. We know, we’ve been there ourselves, and we hate it just as much as you do.

So we’re going to do something about it. From now until Christmas – or at least until we get bored – Free New Crap is all about providing you with an alternative Christmas soundtrack. Each week, more or less, we’re going to offer up one free, completely legal MP3 download that’ll put a slightly different spin on Christmas for you. And that starts right now with a free download of Jingle Bells by Dean Martin, as remixed by Dan The Automator from Gorillaz, Deltron 3030 and all manner of other groups you like.

Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) is a welcome respite from the Jingle Bells you’re already getting sick of, full of Soul II Soul breaks and old-school scratching, while Dean Martin lends his boozy croon to proceedings with typical flair and panache. Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) by Dean Martin is from a fun little album called Christmas Remixed – Holiday Classics Re-Grooved, that throws together a bunch of achingly trendy DJs and a handful of Christmas standards. Christmas Remixed – Holiday Classics Re-Grooved includes a version of Happy Holiday by Bing Crosby remixed by Beef Wellington that just has to be heard to be believed, but Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) by Dean Martin was too strange a proposition to pass over.

Download Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix)

Or buy Christmas Remixed – Holiday Classics Re-Grooved from

iTunes Music Store

eMusic

Napster

OK, public service blogging time. It's December, and that means one thing - a whole month of listening to the same five crappy Christmas records every time you walk into any shop. We know, we've been there ourselves, and we hate it just as much as you do. So we're going to do something about it. From now until Christmas - or at least until we get bored - Free New Crap is all about providing you with an alternative Christmas soundtrack. Each week, more or less, we're going to offer up one free, completely legal MP3 download that'll put a slightly different spin on Christmas for you. And that starts right now with a free download of Jingle Bells by Dean Martin, as remixed by Dan The Automator from Gorillaz, Deltron 3030 and all manner of other groups you like. Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) is a welcome respite from the Jingle Bells you're already getting sick of, full of Soul II Soul breaks and old-school scratching, while Dean Martin lends his boozy croon to proceedings with typical flair and panache. Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) by Dean Martin is from a fun little album called Christmas Remixed - Holiday Classics Re-Grooved, that throws together a bunch of achingly trendy DJs and a handful of Christmas standards. Christmas Remixed - Holiday Classics Re-Grooved includes a version of Happy Holiday by Bing Crosby remixed by Beef Wellington that just has to be heard to be believed, but Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) by Dean Martin was too strange a proposition to pass over. Download Jingle Bells (Dan The Automator Remix) Or buy Christmas Remixed - Holiday Classics Re-Grooved from iTunes Music Store eMusic Napster
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Gwyneth Paltrow Backtracks Wildly Over ‘Stupid Americans’ Line

by Stuart Heritage

Well, that was quick. When Gwyneth Paltrow decided to open her heart to a Portuguese newspaper recently, she said that all British people are cleverer, more civilised, more interesting and 38% better in bed than any American that has ever lived.

Or something. Understandably, America flew into a giant tantrum about Gwyneth Paltrow’s reputedly anti-American sentiments, jamming up talk-show phonelines to holler Gwyneth-targeted abuse, saying that View From The Top wasn’t especially meaningful and pointing out that they are too as civilised as the British because their cousin Bobby Dwayne came third in a regional unironic mullet-growing competition once. And faced with such an overwhelming wave of outrage from the people of her homeland, Gwyneth Paltrow acted like the decent, hardworking American she is and blamed the filthy Portuguese.

Well, that was quick. When Gwyneth Paltrow decided to open her heart to a Portuguese newspaper recently, she said that all British people are cleverer, more civilised, more interesting and 38% better in bed than any American that has ever lived. Or something. Understandably, America flew into a giant tantrum about Gwyneth Paltrow's reputedly anti-American sentiments, jamming up talk-show phonelines to holler Gwyneth-targeted abuse, saying that View From The Top wasn't especially meaningful and pointing out that they are too as civilised as the British because their cousin Bobby Dwayne came third in a regional unironic mullet-growing competition once. And faced with such an overwhelming wave of outrage from the people of her homeland, Gwyneth Paltrow acted like the decent, hardworking American she is and blamed the filthy Portuguese.
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