From the monthly archives:

December 2006

Clint Eastwood Wins First Award Of Tiresome Oscar Season

by Stuart Heritage

Shh… do you hear that noise? It sounds like… a whole lot of smug masturbation. Hey, that must mean that movie awards season is here already! And that’s especially good if you’re Clint Eastwood, as he’s the first man-muck recipient of the year.

The Oscars may not take place until February, but that hasn’t stopped awards season from being well and truly declared open, so let’s hear all about it before the other 936 movie awards that could – maybe – give a slight indication as to who might stand a chance of winning an Oscar (possibly) strip us all of our will to live. Last night the National Board Of Review gave out its awards, and prizes went to Clint Eastwood for his Iwo Jima movie, Martin Scorsese for The Departed and a whole bunch of other people that some historians thought totally rocked, that you’ll read about after the jump.

Shh... do you hear that noise? It sounds like... a whole lot of smug masturbation. Hey, that must mean that movie awards season is here already! And that's especially good if you're Clint Eastwood, as he's the first man-muck recipient of the year. The Oscars may not take place until February, but that hasn't stopped awards season from being well and truly declared open, so let's hear all about it before the other 936 movie awards that could - maybe - give a slight indication as to who might stand a chance of winning an Oscar (possibly) strip us all of our will to live. Last night the National Board Of Review gave out its awards, and prizes went to Clint Eastwood for his Iwo Jima movie, Martin Scorsese for The Departed and a whole bunch of other people that some historians thought totally rocked, that you'll read about after the jump.
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SLACKERJACK – Travelogue 360

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve all played Where’s Wally in the past, and then taken a week off work afterwards because of all the blood that’s pouring out of our eyes from all the straining. But Where’s Wally isn’t really true to life in many ways, because everything’s in rubbish old 2D.

Imagine how amazing Where’s Wally would be if you played it in a 360 degree, 3D room that let you zoom in and out as you please to find Wally. Well, you’re going to have to wait for that retina-shattering game to come out, but in the mean time here’s Travelogue 360, which is easily the next best thing. Travelogue 360 is a kind of Mystery Case Files game, but you can pan around beautiful 360 degree panoramas of Paris – and even move in for a closer look if the mood takes you. Travelogue 360 feels like a real step forward in gaming, and finding the clues in the panorama has become a little more realistic and taxing. Plus, Travelogue 360 is just like being in Paris but without all the crepe stands (boo!) and dog shit (yay!)

Order Travelogue 360 Now

Download Travelogue 360

We've all played Where's Wally in the past, and then taken a week off work afterwards because of all the blood that's pouring out of our eyes from all the straining. But Where's Wally isn't really true to life in many ways, because everything's in rubbish old 2D. Imagine how amazing Where's Wally would be if you played it in a 360 degree, 3D room that let you zoom in and out as you please to find Wally. Well, you're going to have to wait for that retina-shattering game to come out, but in the mean time here's Travelogue 360, which is easily the next best thing. Travelogue 360 is a kind of Mystery Case Files game, but you can pan around beautiful 360 degree panoramas of Paris - and even move in for a closer look if the mood takes you. Travelogue 360 feels like a real step forward in gaming, and finding the clues in the panorama has become a little more realistic and taxing. Plus, Travelogue 360 is just like being in Paris but without all the crepe stands (boo!) and dog shit (yay!) Order Travelogue 360 Now Download Travelogue 360
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There Ain’t No More Spider-Man For Tobey Maguire

by C J Davies

Cheeky little web-slinging fellow Tobey Maguire has announced that he has no plans to carry on donning the silly red costume.

What with Spider-Man 3 ‘hugely anticipated’ – mainly by those who visit the cinema about once a year, and only then to unwrap sweets really loudly and snog their hooped-earring-wearing chav bint – Maguire has pretty much put paid to the notion of him taking part in a fourth instalment.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Carol Smillie Gone, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Old Carol Smillie can’t cut a decent break, can she? First of all she hosted The People’s Court – probably the rubbishest lot of daytime TV nonsense in history – and then she goes and gets kicked off Strictly Come Dancing. Life’s unfair, really.

But just because she’s been booted off a reality TV show for dancing like a comparative spaz, you can’t be too mean to Carol Smillie because she’s done a lot better on Strictly Come Dancing than anyone could have expected. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing there was Carol – 45-year-old mother of three, DIY expert and sometime unauthorised topless model – up there with the cricketer who can dance well, a Spice Girl, a supple teenage soapstar and a man who is contractually obliged by the BBC to do quite well in all of its reality TV shows, so Carol Smillie should leave Strictly Come Dancing with her head held high, at least until she realises that she’s not as good at dancing as that balding rugby player bloke.

But who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Emma Bunton and Matt Dawson…

Old Carol Smillie can't cut a decent break, can she? First of all she hosted The People's Court - probably the rubbishest lot of daytime TV nonsense in history - and then she goes and gets kicked off Strictly Come Dancing. Life's unfair, really. But just because she's been booted off a reality TV show for dancing like a comparative spaz, you can't be too mean to Carol Smillie because she's done a lot better on Strictly Come Dancing than anyone could have expected. On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing there was Carol - 45-year-old mother of three, DIY expert and sometime unauthorised topless model - up there with the cricketer who can dance well, a Spice Girl, a supple teenage soapstar and a man who is contractually obliged by the BBC to do quite well in all of its reality TV shows, so Carol Smillie should leave Strictly Come Dancing with her head held high, at least until she realises that she's not as good at dancing as that balding rugby player bloke. But who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Emma Bunton and Matt Dawson...
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Nobody Knows If Mel Gibson Deserves An Apocalypto Oscar

by Stuart Heritage

Fans of watching ancient, barely-clothed Meso-American tribes shouting at each other in a language nobody understands before graphically decapitating everyone in horrifying detail are in luck – Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto comes out in cinemas soon.

And early reviews are suggesting that, as far as harrowingly gruesome adventure movies told in dead languages starring a bunch of people basically off the street go, Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is definitely in the top five or six. And some critics are even whispering that Apocalypto deserves an Oscar or two. But wait, this is Mel Gibson we’re talking about – the man who single-handedly offended the world by acting like a bit of a douchebag during his drink-driving arrest in the summer. And who are the people who hand out Oscars? A bunch of Fucking Jews, that’s who. And a handful of well-selected Sugar Tits. Some even fall into the venn diagram overlap of half Sugar Tit and half Fucking Jew, so they have every reason to not want Mel Gibson to win an Oscar for Apocalypto. Will he? Arsed if we know, let’s have a look…

Fans of watching ancient, barely-clothed Meso-American tribes shouting at each other in a language nobody understands before graphically decapitating everyone in horrifying detail are in luck - Mel Gibson's Apocalypto comes out in cinemas soon. And early reviews are suggesting that, as far as harrowingly gruesome adventure movies told in dead languages starring a bunch of people basically off the street go, Mel Gibson's Apocalypto is definitely in the top five or six. And some critics are even whispering that Apocalypto deserves an Oscar or two. But wait, this is Mel Gibson we're talking about - the man who single-handedly offended the world by acting like a bit of a douchebag during his drink-driving arrest in the summer. And who are the people who hand out Oscars? A bunch of Fucking Jews, that's who. And a handful of well-selected Sugar Tits. Some even fall into the venn diagram overlap of half Sugar Tit and half Fucking Jew, so they have every reason to not want Mel Gibson to win an Oscar for Apocalypto. Will he? Arsed if we know, let's have a look...
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Beyonce & Jay-Z To Get Married, Like, Really Soon?

by Stuart Heritage

As far as celebrity couples who release mediocre retirement-ending albums and albums named after machines that shoot jets of water up your bumhole go, we’d guess that hip-hop mogul Jay-Z and botty-wiggling warbler Beyonce have it sewn up.

But the thing about Jay-Z and Beyonce is that they’re just so flipping secretive. Sure, Jay-Z seems to be contractually obliged to turn up in the middle of every Beyonce song ever and mumble for 30 seconds, but nobody really knows anything about Jay-Z and Beyonce as a couple. For instance, there’s a lot of speculation going around at the moment that Jay-Z and Beyonce will be getting married this weekend in the Caribbean. Or they might not be. But they probably will. Unless they’re not. Clear?

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Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn Really Properly Break Up, Honest

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, the ‘you’re not the only one that can sleep with a co-star, Brad’ celebrity couple who have literally bored the living arses off every man, woman and child on the face of the planet, have decided to actually split up.

According to statements issued by both slaves for both stars Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have chosen to break up with each other, ending a year-long relationship which has taken in filming the much-hyped movie The Break-Up, promoting the various international theatrical releases of The Break-Up and seeing out the big pre-Christmas DVD release of The Break-Up. Now, following the less than shocking Jennifer Aniston/ Vince Vaughn split, we’re inviting you to join the hecklerspray office pool to see just when Jennifer Aniston gives her first self-pitying – yet overcompensatingly defiant and emotionally distant – magazine interview all about how she’s really fine about all of this, no really she is really. We’ve got dibs on December 18th, by the way.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, the 'you're not the only one that can sleep with a co-star, Brad' celebrity couple who have literally bored the living arses off every man, woman and child on the face of the planet, have decided to actually split up. According to statements issued by both slaves for both stars Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have chosen to break up with each other, ending a year-long relationship which has taken in filming the much-hyped movie The Break-Up, promoting the various international theatrical releases of The Break-Up and seeing out the big pre-Christmas DVD release of The Break-Up. Now, following the less than shocking Jennifer Aniston/ Vince Vaughn split, we're inviting you to join the hecklerspray office pool to see just when Jennifer Aniston gives her first self-pitying - yet overcompensatingly defiant and emotionally distant - magazine interview all about how she's really fine about all of this, no really she is really. We've got dibs on December 18th, by the way.
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Tori Spelling To Write Extraordinarily Fascinating Tell-All Book

by Shawn Lindseth

On a cold winter’s day, there’s nothing hecklerspray likes more than to curl up next to a roaring fire with a good book to throw into said fire. Paperbacks burn best.

To be sure, online we could read all day, but the third dimension a physical book gives us, well it’s just too sensational. It leaves us overloaded and confused. Now that doesn’t mean we’d burn just any book, no – just the totally gay ones. And with that being our sole criteria – we gonna have us some ten foot flames pretty soon – Tori Spelling is writing a book. About Tori Spelling.

We heard chapter three deals in depth with the death of her third pony ‘Mr. Fancy’.

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Audrey Hepburn’s Black Dress Flogged For $410,000

by Stuart Heritage

Audrey Hepburn has a lot to answer for, like idiots turning up to Tiffany’s and actually expecting to be served breakfast, the icky 1996 Deep Blue Something hit Breakfast At Tiffany’s and all women secretly wishing they were Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, and the terrible 1999 girlband Hepburn, too, which is possibly the most unforgivable of the lot. So – seeing how much pain, embarrassment and negative body image self-esteem issues Audrey Hepburn has managed to heap on the world from beyond the grave – we’d have expected that the only people who would be interested in buying Audrey Hepburn’s little black dress from Breakfast At Tiffany’s would be a secretive coalition of Catholic priests who would burn the dress and bury the ashes to rid it of evil spirits in accordance with the Bible. But what the hell do we know? In fact, Audrey Hepburn’s little black dress from Breakfast At Tiffany’s was sold at auction yesterday for £410,000 – seven times the asking price. Cuh – haven’t these people heard of TK Maxx?

Audrey Hepburn has a lot to answer for, like idiots turning up to Tiffany's and actually expecting to be served breakfast, the icky 1996 Deep Blue Something hit Breakfast At Tiffany's and all women secretly wishing they were Audrey Hepburn. Oh, and the terrible 1999 girlband Hepburn, too, which is possibly the most unforgivable of the lot. So - seeing how much pain, embarrassment and negative body image self-esteem issues Audrey Hepburn has managed to heap on the world from beyond the grave - we'd have expected that the only people who would be interested in buying Audrey Hepburn's little black dress from Breakfast At Tiffany's would be a secretive coalition of Catholic priests who would burn the dress and bury the ashes to rid it of evil spirits in accordance with the Bible. But what the hell do we know? In fact, Audrey Hepburn's little black dress from Breakfast At Tiffany's was sold at auction yesterday for £410,000 - seven times the asking price. Cuh - haven't these people heard of TK Maxx?
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SLACKERJACK – Westward

by Stuart Heritage

When people talk about playing God, they always say it as if it’s a bad thing. Of course it isn’t – if hecklerspray were to play God the world would obviously be a far better place. We’d get rid of Ray from X Factor for a start.

But – no matter how many request letters we push up our chimney every night – we can’t play God, so the next best thing we’ve got is Westward. Westward is another one of those blinding control-freak games – just like the magnificent Virtual Villagers – where you’re in charge of the development of an entire community. However, where Virtual Villagers gave you godlike powers over some slightly girly fairy-men, Westward lets you lead some real-life tobacco-spittin’ cowboys. Westward is exactly like directing an episode of Deadwood, only without Lovejoy running around swearing at everyone, and it’s going to become your main waste of time if you’ll let it. Westward is a genuine diamond of a game.

Order Westward Now

Download Westward

When people talk about playing God, they always say it as if it's a bad thing. Of course it isn't - if hecklerspray were to play God the world would obviously be a far better place. We'd get rid of Ray from X Factor for a start. But - no matter how many request letters we push up our chimney every night - we can't play God, so the next best thing we've got is Westward. Westward is another one of those blinding control-freak games - just like the magnificent Virtual Villagers - where you're in charge of the development of an entire community. However, where Virtual Villagers gave you godlike powers over some slightly girly fairy-men, Westward lets you lead some real-life tobacco-spittin' cowboys. Westward is exactly like directing an episode of Deadwood, only without Lovejoy running around swearing at everyone, and it's going to become your main waste of time if you'll let it. Westward is a genuine diamond of a game. Order Westward Now Download Westward
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