Posts from December, 2006

It's the last day of the week that Christmas was in, and that means it's time for the last of our Spray Picks 06 - where the hecklerspray writers look back on the year and go "Cuh, what was supposed to have happened there?"

Today is a doubly difficult day for us. Firstly we have to try and pretend like this wasn't written back in April to disguise the fact that actually we're all off riding the hecklerspray yacht to our private 90,000 acre lapdancer plantation in the Maldives, and secondly we've already listed our favourite music, films and TV of the year. What's left? Best DVD? We did that last year and it was rubbish. Best meal? That's just ridiculous. Best person? OK, looking back we probably should have gone with Best Person, but it's too late for excuses now. Instead, we're looking at the hecklerspray writers' favourite things of the year. Unforgivably vague, we know, but it's thrown up some fairly mental answers.hecklerspray's things of the year - cominatcha after the jump…

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It's day three of Spray Picks 06 - where we half-heartedly make up for not giving you any real news by lazily cobbling together a retrospective on the year gone by in the vague hope that you won't really notice. Yay!

Today, to make up for the fact that we're all off riding diamond-studded jetskis across a man-made lake of melted rubies, all the hecklerspray writers have put their heads together and had a long think about the TV shows that we all liked the best from 2006. Now, there's every chance that this is the nine billionth 'Best Of' list you've read this week alone, but this is one you should really pay attention to. Why? Because when it comes to bumming around watching hour upon hour of bad television simply because the remote control is slightly out of reach and it's too much effort to get up, hecklerspray is world class.

Find out the TV shows that rocked our world after the jump…

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If you're reading this on December 27, it's probably because you've already steamed through all the presents you were given for Christmas, eaten all the sweets you were given for Christmas and realised that you hate all your family.

And who's to blame you for coming to hecklerspray for comfort? We're always here for you no matter what, with the fat milky teat of celebrity news for you to suckle upon. Except for right now. We're taking this week off - and today we're go-karting in Dubai with Uri Gellar - and to make up for our absence we're giving you Spray Picks 06, a daily rundown of shit that we thought was cool this year. Why? Because we're lazy and our opinion matters.

Today - hecklerspray's favourite movies of 2006, after the jump…

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Ah, Boxing Day. Did you know that Boxing Day traditionally got its name from the time your mother - fuelled by self-loathing from all the food she ate 24 hours earlier - punched a bishop to death for looking at her funny? True story.

But anyway, today isn't just Boxing Day - it's day one of Spray Picks 06. Spray Picks 06 is a four-day-long retrospective of the year gone by, where our esteemed staff of writers choose a whole bunch of stuff that they liked from the worlds of music, cinema, television and a vague other world we sort of invented to make up the numbers. OK, we'll admit it, Spray Picks 06 was originally going to be called Let's Stick This Up Between Christmas And New Year And Hope Nobody Notices That We're Bunking Off, but thanks to headline character limits, Spray Picks 06 it is.

Anyway, we're starting off today with our CDs of the year, and you can find the enlightening list right after the jump…

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Well then, that's it for hecklerspray regular for 2006. Immediately after writing this we're going to lock ourselves in a small room to mentally steel ourselves ahead of a solid week spent playing endless games of semi-drunk, weirdly competitive games of Monopoly with our family.

But what a year 2006 has been. We've had tears - Steve Irwin getting bumped off by the pussycat of the sea; we've had laughter - Denise Richards throwing a laptop at a pensioner in a wheelchair; and we've had deep deep confusion - Tom Cruise both fathering a child and getting married to a young girl? Paul McCartney being accused of repeatedly stabbing a monoped with a drinking receptacle? But most of all, we've had a fat German boy screaming at his computer in a genuinely disturbing way. Can 2007 top all that? Bloody right it can.

Although we're not going to be posting our usual amount of pithy news again until January 2, we are going to let you read the various cop-out year-end Best Of lists that we've slapped together for next week.

Finally, briefly (because we're really not very good at it), a rare moment of sincerity. hecklerspray got about 600% bigger over the course of 2006, and that's mostly down to you. Actually that's a lie - it's mostly down to us. But it's partly down to you too, and we think you effing well rock because of it. And as a reward, here's a link to 45 Christmassy online games.

See you back here on January 2; we hope your Christmas isn't too awful…

hecklerspray

Naughty or nice, what’s your poison?

• It’s Christmas! (great)
• We’re all drinking! (as per)
• Food! (tracksuit bottoms ready)
• Presents! (gimme)
• Christmas TV (more movies than Blockbuster)

• It’s Christmas (again?)
• We’re all drunk (sick)
• God, no more food (indigestion)
• Having no money (January electric bill)
• Christmas 'have you seen Christmas Day evening?!' TV (terrible)

Keep voting for Chris Laverty (The Heckler) in the Empire Thunderdome. And cheer up, it IS Christmas.

What with Eddie Murphy carping on about how the baby inside Mel B isn't his, you'd be forgiven for forgetting the daddy of all effed-up, drawn-out DNA paternity tests - the one starring Anna Nicole Smith, her baby and her baby's two prospective dads.

And finally it looks like the riddle of Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy is about to come staggering to a messy conclusion, since a judge has ruled that Larry Birkhead - a photographer who says he totally did it with Anna Nicole Smith enough to knock her up - is allowed to put Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl Dannielynn Hope through a paternity test to see if the baby is his instead of one of Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer's or something. It seems like someone is going to have their heart broken by the results of the paternity test, which wouldn't have happened at all if Anna Nicole Smith has defended her word via a jelly-fight against ten Swedish girls in a paddling pool like we wanted.

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Now we're not sure if this is brilliant news or awful news - the confusing, squawked, tear-soaked, mangled beyond comprehension version of 9 To 5 that Jessica Simpson sang as a recent tribute to Dolly Parton will never be seen on TV.

You could say it's good news that Jessica Simpson and CBS have jointly decided to remove 9 To 5 from the scheduled Boxing Day broadcast of the Kennedy Centre Honours because - let's face it - three and a half minutes where you don't see Jessica Simpson on TV yowling like a trapped cat is infinitely better than three and a half minutes where you do. But we can't help also being a little sad at the news, because who in their right mind would actually watch the Kennedy Centre Honours for any other reason than to have a quick chuckle at a bright orange manjawed woman arsing up the lines of a song and tearfully running from the stage without any applause at all?

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Now let's get one thing straight - hecklerspray is a man! And we mean a real man too. We take our orange juice with little particles of sand in it, we eat our candy when it's still in the wrapper, and sometimes we make sandwiches with only mayonnaise and bread.

That said, our manliness makes it pretty hard to describe ourselves as 'giddy,' when referring to the contents of a news story, but giddy is exactly what we are. Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump just got into a glorious and insult laden correspondence via various media outlets. And the things that were said, well, let's just say they're jaw-droppers.

It's particularly heart-warming in this, the season of giving.

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Let's get one thing straight - movie stars are idiots. All of them. Apart from memorising two or three lines of text at a time and then repeating them back with their faces mashed into what they hope is a vague approximation of emotion, what do movie stars actually do?

Nothing. Because they're idiots. But you read hecklerspray, so that automatically makes you not an idiot. So then, if you were to be in a film, you'd be the only non-idiot movie star in the world. How cool is that? More specifically, how cool is it that we're letting you have a go at being in a proper film. It's all down to Be The Movie Star. Be The Movie Star is the new website of director Steve Nesbit, and he's going to use Be The Movie Star to find the male and female leads of his new thriller movie. In theory, you're all smart and beautiful enough to do this (except you - you are stupid and ugly). So what are you waiting for? Upload your audition pieces to Be The Movie Star and wait for the public to vote you as potential movie stars in the waiting. And if you're fortunate enough to win Be The Movie Star, let us know. Because that will technically make us your agents and we'll aggressively pursue our 12%.

Be The Movie Star