From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Leg It Home From India

by Stuart Heritage

When Angelina Jolie’s new movie A Mighty Heart is released, we’re going to be first in the queue to see it. Not because it looks especially good, but because we want to count all the pissed off Indians that’ve somehow made it to screen.

Because make no mistake about it, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt – producer of A Mighty Heart – have annoyed all kinds of Indians during their stay in India to shoot scenes for their movie. But now, after the intense Indian kerfuffle of the last few weeks, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have upped and left India for good. Goodbyes like this are never easy, so India must be feeling the absence of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie especially severely right now, and clinging onto whatever meagre gifts they couple left – a half-used tin of brown facepaint and the screamed racial slurs of their bodyguards that still ring sadly in their ears.

When Angelina Jolie's new movie A Mighty Heart is released, we're going to be first in the queue to see it. Not because it looks especially good, but because we want to count all the pissed off Indians that've somehow made it to screen. Because make no mistake about it, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt - producer of A Mighty Heart - have annoyed all kinds of Indians during their stay in India to shoot scenes for their movie. But now, after the intense Indian kerfuffle of the last few weeks, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have upped and left India for good. Goodbyes like this are never easy, so India must be feeling the absence of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie especially severely right now, and clinging onto whatever meagre gifts they couple left - a half-used tin of brown facepaint and the screamed racial slurs of their bodyguards that still ring sadly in their ears.
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Heather Mills Apparently Not A Gold-Digger, Says Heather Mills

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills is either a helpless disabled abused wife with an evil, controlling, drug-addled millionaire husband or a bit of an annoying monoped gold-digger, and which one you agree with probably depends on whether you’re Heather Mills or not.

Most of the public, you see, appears to have sided against Heather Mills ever since she and Paul McCartney split up, and Heather Mills isn’t especially happy about that. That’s why Heather Mills has granted an interview with Extra in America where, instead of doing what most people hoped and dishing out another bunch of lurid divorce claims like the one about Paul McCartney getting all medieval on her with a piece of glasswear, Heather Mills disappointing spends the interview carping on about what a nice person she is and how people love her so much that she’s often hugged by strangers on the street. Seriously.

Heather Mills is either a helpless disabled abused wife with an evil, controlling, drug-addled millionaire husband or a bit of an annoying monoped gold-digger, and which one you agree with probably depends on whether you're Heather Mills or not. Most of the public, you see, appears to have sided against Heather Mills ever since she and Paul McCartney split up, and Heather Mills isn't especially happy about that. That's why Heather Mills has granted an interview with Extra in America where, instead of doing what most people hoped and dishing out another bunch of lurid divorce claims like the one about Paul McCartney getting all medieval on her with a piece of glasswear, Heather Mills disappointing spends the interview carping on about what a nice person she is and how people love her so much that she's often hugged by strangers on the street. Seriously.
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Happy Feet Kicks Casino Royale’s Bum At US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Casino Royale was the movie that was meant to introduce Daniel Craig as the hard-headed, ultra-realistic, gritty new James Bond, but it seems like the public was more interested in watching a bunch of cartoon penguins doing a bit of a jig.

Happy Feet – the lovely animated film about penguins that sound like Nicole Kidman, Robin Williams and Elijah Wood – is number one at the US weekend box office, edging out new James Bond film Casino Royale. Which conclusively proves that the majority of people would have rather had a mansized penguin that sounds like a Hobbit as the new James Bond than a blonde thug who seems to own every single piece of electronics that Sony has ever made.

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It’s The Obligatory Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Wedding Post!

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s some top secret news that you probably won’t have heard: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend; well, you won’t have heard unless you’ve somehow seen any of the nonstop TV and press coverage of the wedding.

However, since Tom Cruise was involved in the wedding, things didn’t go ahead without at least a small measure of confusing batshittedness. For example, it turns out that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had already got married before they flew to their big Italian castle for the wedding, and the whole thing was just a flashy stunt. Also, just about the entire population of Italy wants to kick Tom Cruise down a flight of stairs for hiding away from them over the weekend. And who’ll be waiting at the foot of those stairs? We imagine it’ll be Oprah Winfrey, who we imagine is still angry that she didn’t get an invite to the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding spectacular, and who we imagine has set up a number of steel bear traps on the imaginary flight of stairs that we just referred to.

Here's some top secret news that you probably won't have heard: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married over the weekend; well, you won't have heard unless you've somehow seen any of the nonstop TV and press coverage of the wedding. However, since Tom Cruise was involved in the wedding, things didn't go ahead without at least a small measure of confusing batshittedness. For example, it turns out that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had already got married before they flew to their big Italian castle for the wedding, and the whole thing was just a flashy stunt. Also, just about the entire population of Italy wants to kick Tom Cruise down a flight of stairs for hiding away from them over the weekend. And who'll be waiting at the foot of those stairs? We imagine it'll be Oprah Winfrey, who we imagine is still angry that she didn't get an invite to the Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes wedding spectacular, and who we imagine has set up a number of steel bear traps on the imaginary flight of stairs that we just referred to.
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SLACKERJACK – Mani Golf

by Stuart Heritage

No, Mani Golf sadly isn’t a new EA franchise starring the bassist out of Primal Scream – Mani Golf is a kickass little cartoony golf game, and if you know us then you know we don’t often use ‘kickass’ and ‘golf’ in the same sentence.

Mani Golf looks deceptively childlike – you play as a bright orange alien in a very simplistic environment, and wind-speed and hooking and slicing have all been dropped in favour of the twin controls of angle and power. So far so easy, but then Mani Golf goes and punches you in the face with its fiendish course design. After a couple of easy levels, Mani Golf absolutely hits you where it hurts, with impossible slopes, bunkers and multi-level courses that will see you try to push your golf ball vertically up through the tiniest of gaps. It’s just insanely difficult. Or maybe it’s just us – the Mani Golf leaderboards are always on full display throughout your game, and however anyone managed to get round Mani Golf in 14 under is beyond us. If you can even get round Mani Golf in par, you’re obviously far superior to us.

Play Mani Golf now

No, Mani Golf sadly isn't a new EA franchise starring the bassist out of Primal Scream - Mani Golf is a kickass little cartoony golf game, and if you know us then you know we don't often use 'kickass' and 'golf' in the same sentence. Mani Golf looks deceptively childlike - you play as a bright orange alien in a very simplistic environment, and wind-speed and hooking and slicing have all been dropped in favour of the twin controls of angle and power. So far so easy, but then Mani Golf goes and punches you in the face with its fiendish course design. After a couple of easy levels, Mani Golf absolutely hits you where it hurts, with impossible slopes, bunkers and multi-level courses that will see you try to push your golf ball vertically up through the tiniest of gaps. It's just insanely difficult. Or maybe it's just us - the Mani Golf leaderboards are always on full display throughout your game, and however anyone managed to get round Mani Golf in 14 under is beyond us. If you can even get round Mani Golf in par, you're obviously far superior to us. Play Mani Golf now
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Watch The Rain Big Lie Video

by Stuart Heritage

What makes a good music video? Is it a bravely original concept? Is it a spectacular location? Is it a strong and unusual narrative? Or is it just the girl from the Wonderbra advert crawling around in a bikini chopping up bananas with scissors?

Of course, we all know the real answer is the last option, and that’s just the thing that spanking new band The Rain have given us. Here’s all we know about The Rain so far: there’s three of them and Colin Murray quites like them. But, despite our thundering lack of The Rain knowledge, we can’t help but be impressed by their debut single Big Lie. After opening with one of the most oddly disconcerting chanted intros in living memory, Big Lie by The Rain quickly evolves into a steamlined rock animal that wouldn’t sound amiss on a Foo Fighters or Queens Of The Stone Age album. Big Lie by The Rain is quite literally rocking, and shifting it out of our internal jukebox is going to be tougher than we thought. Plus the Big Lie video by The Rain features Eva Herzigova off the bra adverts chopping up bananas with a pair of scissors. What more could you possibly need?

Watch The Rain Big Lie video

What makes a good music video? Is it a bravely original concept? Is it a spectacular location? Is it a strong and unusual narrative? Or is it just the girl from the Wonderbra advert crawling around in a bikini chopping up bananas with scissors? Of course, we all know the real answer is the last option, and that's just the thing that spanking new band The Rain have given us. Here's all we know about The Rain so far: there's three of them and Colin Murray quites like them. But, despite our thundering lack of The Rain knowledge, we can't help but be impressed by their debut single Big Lie. After opening with one of the most oddly disconcerting chanted intros in living memory, Big Lie by The Rain quickly evolves into a steamlined rock animal that wouldn't sound amiss on a Foo Fighters or Queens Of The Stone Age album. Big Lie by The Rain is quite literally rocking, and shifting it out of our internal jukebox is going to be tougher than we thought. Plus the Big Lie video by The Rain features Eva Herzigova off the bra adverts chopping up bananas with a pair of scissors. What more could you possibly need? Watch The Rain Big Lie video
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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Pete Doherty Arrested Again

by C J Davies

Monday is here again. And you know what that means? Well, for a start that cheerleader you keep in your basement is all due her weekly meal. And – maybe more importantly, but we wouldn’t like to impose – it’s also time for hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition.

This week we’re fixating on a particular favourite target of ours – no-talent skag-rocker Pete Doherty and his latest shambling junkie exploits which, in the least surprising turn of events you”ll hear all day, mainly involve getting arrested on drugs charges again.

But first let’s take a look at our last winner…

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X Factor Betting Odds: Robert Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Since this series of X Factor started, Robert Allen had been the most forgettable singer by a mile. On Saturday’s X Factor, however, Robert Allen pulled a truly barnstorming performance out of the bag – and then got voted out.

In the past Robert Allen had been known as That Hyperactive Wanker, for his annoying habit of hurling himself around the X Factor stage like a man having a fight with himself in a Wild West saloon bar. But on Saturday Robert kept his irritating effervescence in check and did the unthinkable – he somehow made a cloying Michael Jackson ballad sound almost listenable. But it wasn’t to be, and Simon Cowell voted Robert off X Factor instead of Eton Road. Goes to show what happens when you listen to Westlife, huh?

But now that Robert Allen has been eliminated from X Factor, which of the five remaining acts is going to win? Here’s part one of this week’s X Factor betting odds, for Ray Quinn and The MacDonald Brothers…

More…

Since this series of X Factor started, Robert Allen had been the most forgettable singer by a mile. On Saturday's X Factor, however, Robert Allen pulled a truly barnstorming performance out of the bag - and then got voted out. In the past Robert Allen had been known as That Hyperactive Wanker, for his annoying habit of hurling himself around the X Factor stage like a man having a fight with himself in a Wild West saloon bar. But on Saturday Robert kept his irritating effervescence in check and did the unthinkable - he somehow made a cloying Michael Jackson ballad sound almost listenable. But it wasn't to be, and Simon Cowell voted Robert off X Factor instead of Eton Road. Goes to show what happens when you listen to Westlife, huh? But now that Robert Allen has been eliminated from X Factor, which of the five remaining acts is going to win? Here's part one of this week's X Factor betting odds, for Ray Quinn and The MacDonald Brothers... More...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Fire = Creased, Water = Folded. Eh, what? No, that can’t be right.

Folded:

* Jack Palance (so what if we thought he died last century? He was still a legend)
* Starbucks’ Christmas coffee flavours (Groan, Starbucks. But you can’t help but feel a bit Christmassy when getting ripped off for a peppermint-mocha-‘spresso with a drizzle of luminous syrup and whipped cream. It’s makes you feel all warm and tingly)
* Simon Amstell on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (assuming he’s not entirely scripted up the Khyber, this former T4 boy is actually downright witty)
* The Prestige in your head (the greatest trick director Christopher Nolan has ever pulled is to convince you you’re watching one genre, let’s assume a period thriller, when, in fact, you’re actually watching a whole different one. Let’s call it…well, we’re not going to ruin that for you. Buy a ticket)
* I’m No Longer a Celebrity, Keep Me in Here For as Long as Possible (anybody else out there swear blind they were never going to watch this programme ever again? God, we’re weak. Ah, come on, it’s worth it for the Toby Anstis sexuality debate alone)

Creased:

* Bo! In The USA (this is a truly terrible show)
* The fans of Pete Doherty (after watching a recent Arena documentary on BBC2, it’s obvious where all the poor deluded sod’s problems lie)
* Novelty Christmas books (you can’t get through the front door of Borders without tripping over ‘Ultimate Ironic Hairbrushes of the Seventies’, or something else equally likely to be reduced to half it’s RRP in January)
* Man to Man With Dean Learner (so disappointed with this. Flatly, it’s just not very funny. Let’s get some more Darkplace on soon to cheer us up)
* Cinema snack prices (they want you go. They need you to go. Yet they charge more for popcorn than a Chelsea dealer chargers for crack. It is obscene)

Fire = Creased, Water = Folded. Eh, what? No, that can’t be right. Folded: * Jack Palance (so what if we thought he died last century? He was still a legend) * Starbucks’ Christmas coffee flavours (Groan, Starbucks. But you can’t help but feel a bit Christmassy when getting ripped off for a peppermint-mocha-‘spresso with a drizzle of luminous syrup and whipped cream. It’s makes you feel all warm and tingly) * Simon Amstell on Never Mind the Buzzcocks (assuming he’s not entirely scripted up the Khyber, this former T4 boy is actually downright witty) * The Prestige in your head (the greatest trick director Christopher Nolan has ever pulled is to convince you you’re watching one genre, let’s assume a period thriller, when, in fact, you’re actually watching a whole different one. Let’s call it…well, we’re not going to ruin that for you. Buy a ticket) * I’m No Longer a Celebrity, Keep Me in Here For as Long as Possible (anybody else out there swear blind they were never going to watch this programme ever again? God, we’re weak. Ah, come on, it’s worth it for the Toby Anstis sexuality debate alone) Creased: * Bo! In The USA (this is a truly terrible show) * The fans of Pete Doherty (after watching a recent Arena documentary on BBC2, it’s obvious where all the poor deluded sod’s problems lie) * Novelty Christmas books (you can’t get through the front door of Borders without tripping over ‘Ultimate Ironic Hairbrushes of the Seventies’, or something else equally likely to be reduced to half it's RRP in January) * Man to Man With Dean Learner (so disappointed with this. Flatly, it’s just not very funny. Let’s get some more Darkplace on soon to cheer us up) * Cinema snack prices (they want you go. They need you to go. Yet they charge more for popcorn than a Chelsea dealer chargers for crack. It is obscene)
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Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week – Naomi Campbell

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are at some point in history – we’re too lazy to check – there’s been a show called Kids Say The Funniest Things. That title’s right, and so would the title of a show we’ve just invented called Celebrities Talk A Right Old Bag Of Shit.

But that’s the thing with talking, isn’t it? As soon as the words come out of someone’s mouth they disappear, and where’s the fun in that? It’d be much better to buy a T-shirt with the celebrity’s dumb words spat all over it to love and keep and cherish forever, right?

That’s why – after an aborted attempt with a Steve Irwin T-shirt that was too filthy to mention – hecklerspray’s launching the Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week, where we take the most ridiculous thing that a celebrity has said all week and slap it right on the front of a high-quality T-shirt that you can actually buy. Ready?

This week’s Dumb Quote T-Shirt Of The Week is all about Naomi Campbell. A former maid of Naomi’s is suing her for being a “Violent Super-Bigot.” Why? Because Naomi Campbell apparently told her, among other things, “You’re not in the Third World any more, stupid.” And – that’s right – now you can walk around with “You’re not in the Third World any more, stupid” written all over your chest. Boy or girl, fat or thin, rich or poor – we’ve got a dumb celebrity T-shirt for you to wear with pride. What are you waiting for?

Get Your hands on a Naomi Campbell Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt now

Chances are at some point in history - we're too lazy to check - there's been a show called Kids Say The Funniest Things. That title's right, and so would the title of a show we've just invented called Celebrities Talk A Right Old Bag Of Shit. But that's the thing with talking, isn't it? As soon as the words come out of someone's mouth they disappear, and where's the fun in that? It'd be much better to buy a T-shirt with the celebrity's dumb words spat all over it to love and keep and cherish forever, right? That's why - after an aborted attempt with a Steve Irwin T-shirt that was too filthy to mention - hecklerspray's launching the Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week, where we take the most ridiculous thing that a celebrity has said all week and slap it right on the front of a high-quality T-shirt that you can actually buy. Ready? This week's Dumb Quote T-Shirt Of The Week is all about Naomi Campbell. A former maid of Naomi's is suing her for being a "Violent Super-Bigot." Why? Because Naomi Campbell apparently told her, among other things, "You're not in the Third World any more, stupid." And - that's right - now you can walk around with "You're not in the Third World any more, stupid" written all over your chest. Boy or girl, fat or thin, rich or poor - we've got a dumb celebrity T-shirt for you to wear with pride. What are you waiting for? Get Your hands on a Naomi Campbell Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt now
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