From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Peter Jackson Booted From Hobbit Movie

by Stuart Heritage

When it comes to uncomfortably lengthy movies about poxy little elf-things that have a thousand different endings all piled up one after another, the Lord Of The Rings trilogy is where it’s at – just don’t expect the Hobbit film to be very similar.

The man credited with turning a guffy set of fantasy books like Lord Of The Rings into a guffy set of overlong films like the Lord Of The Rings trilogy that somehow a) people wanted to watch and b) won a load of Oscars is Peter Jackson, and it was widely thought that Peter Jackson was also going to be the man who turned the guffy Lord Of The Rings kiddie-book precursor The Hobbit into a movie too, but Jackson has revealed that a dispute between him and New Line means that he’s effectively been kicked off The Hobbit movie. That’s bad news for people who wanted all the Tolkien movies to have a singular autered feel to them, but it’s good news for people who didn’t really fancy watching a midget walking across a mountain for five hours very much.

When it comes to uncomfortably lengthy movies about poxy little elf-things that have a thousand different endings all piled up one after another, the Lord Of The Rings trilogy is where it's at - just don't expect the Hobbit film to be very similar. The man credited with turning a guffy set of fantasy books like Lord Of The Rings into a guffy set of overlong films like the Lord Of The Rings trilogy that somehow a) people wanted to watch and b) won a load of Oscars is Peter Jackson, and it was widely thought that Peter Jackson was also going to be the man who turned the guffy Lord Of The Rings kiddie-book precursor The Hobbit into a movie too, but Jackson has revealed that a dispute between him and New Line means that he's effectively been kicked off The Hobbit movie. That's bad news for people who wanted all the Tolkien movies to have a singular autered feel to them, but it's good news for people who didn't really fancy watching a midget walking across a mountain for five hours very much.
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Kramer Sorry For Letting The ‘N’ Word Fly

by Shawn Lindseth

Remember when Mel Gibson went about calling people “Sugar Tits”? Remember when Chris Moyles waxed racist in front of Halle Berry? Remember when hecklerspray wasn’t allowed into that black tie affair because we weren’t wearing a ‘shirt’?

Well this is more shocking than all of those combined. Michael Richards, AKA Kramer of Seinfeld fame, recently dropped a whole string of ‘N’ words at some hecklers of African decent. It was an ugly bit, that’s sure.

It is through eyes filled with the tears of social repression and racial anxiety that hecklerspray brings you several quotes, both from, and about the very strange fiasco.

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OJ Simpson’s Mental Murder Fantasy Book & Interview Axed

by Stuart Heritage

It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer – even though he didn’t kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance?

Well, it’s a question that you’re never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you’d expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get. In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson’s weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B – a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here’s How It Happened.

It was the question that the whole world wanted to see OJ Simpson answer - even though he didn't kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, how would OJ Simpson have gruesomely murdered them differently if he was given the chance? Well, it's a question that you're never going to find the answer to, because the forthcoming book and TV interview entitled OJ Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened has been cancelled by Fox after it received just about as many public complaints as you'd expect a critique of two murders by the man who was found to be liable for them to get. In fact the pressure on Fox to ditch OJ Simpson's weird murder fantasies was so great that Rupert Murdoch himself apologised to the whole world for planning to publish and broadcast them in the first place, leaving OJ Simpson ready to launch his slightly less offensive plan B - a recipe book and TV cookery show entitled If I Baked A Selection Of Delicious Scones, Here's How It Happened.
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SLACKERJACK – Rage Of Magic 2

by Stuart Heritage

RPGs have got a bit of a bad rep, haven’t they? Usually played by greasy men with skin that’s turned the same colour of their bedroom walls, RPGs are traditionally the home of the weird.

Will Rage Of Magic 2 change anybody’s mind about RPGs? What do you think? If you’d rather claw your eyes out with a cakefork than play an RPG then Rage Of Magic 2 might have you wandering to the cutlery drawer. But the rest of you might want to give Rage Of Magic 2 a go. Yes, we picked a deliberately stupid screenshot, but that’s just because we’re compulsively immature. We should have showed you the action sequences in Rage Of Magic 2, though, since they are truly spectacular – your characters have immense power-ups, combos and enormous super-attacks at their disposal. The plot of Rage Of Magic 2 is something about elves and evil kings and whatnot, but we won’t spoil it for you because you’re going to give Rage of Magic 2 a go and see for yourself, aren’t you.

Order Rage Of Magic 2 Now

Download Rage Of Magic 2

RPGs have got a bit of a bad rep, haven't they? Usually played by greasy men with skin that's turned the same colour of their bedroom walls, RPGs are traditionally the home of the weird. Will Rage Of Magic 2 change anybody's mind about RPGs? What do you think? If you'd rather claw your eyes out with a cakefork than play an RPG then Rage Of Magic 2 might have you wandering to the cutlery drawer. But the rest of you might want to give Rage Of Magic 2 a go. Yes, we picked a deliberately stupid screenshot, but that's just because we're compulsively immature. We should have showed you the action sequences in Rage Of Magic 2, though, since they are truly spectacular - your characters have immense power-ups, combos and enormous super-attacks at their disposal. The plot of Rage Of Magic 2 is something about elves and evil kings and whatnot, but we won't spoil it for you because you're going to give Rage of Magic 2 a go and see for yourself, aren't you. Order Rage Of Magic 2 Now Download Rage Of Magic 2
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Free New Crap: Oh Martha By The Battle Royale

by Stuart Heritage

After last week’s terrifying diversion into the world of possibly ironic quickstep ballroom dancing music, you’ll be pleased to know that Free New Crap is back on the straight and narrow. And fuzzy. And disco-tinged.

You know the deal with Free New Crap by now – we seek out a solitary free legal mp3 from a tidal wave of crap for you to download and, in return, you download it and spend the rest of the day happy. And today’s piece of Free New Crap comes in the form of Oh Martha by The Battle Royale. So far we’ve been able to ascertain that The Battle Royale are a boy/girl electronic indie disco group from Minneapolis, and they really make some quite superb music. In Oh Martha, The Battle Royale take a bunch of box-fresh influences – Oh No Oh My, Bis, The Spinto Band, The Inspiral Carpets – and pummel them into a tune so bristling with vitality that it should be handed out as a timely antidote to SAD. We’re expecting to hear big things of The Battle Royale, and it’s only going to be a matter of seconds before we relent and buy their album Sparkle Dust Fantasy, which is stuffed with tunes equally as obscenely fantastic as Oh Martha. Give Oh Martha by The Battle Royale a whirl – it’ll make your sodding day.

Download Oh Martha by The Battle Royale now

The Battle Royale website

Buy at iTunes Music Store

After last week's terrifying diversion into the world of possibly ironic quickstep ballroom dancing music, you'll be pleased to know that Free New Crap is back on the straight and narrow. And fuzzy. And disco-tinged. You know the deal with Free New Crap by now - we seek out a solitary free legal mp3 from a tidal wave of crap for you to download and, in return, you download it and spend the rest of the day happy. And today's piece of Free New Crap comes in the form of Oh Martha by The Battle Royale. So far we've been able to ascertain that The Battle Royale are a boy/girl electronic indie disco group from Minneapolis, and they really make some quite superb music. In Oh Martha, The Battle Royale take a bunch of box-fresh influences - Oh No Oh My, Bis, The Spinto Band, The Inspiral Carpets - and pummel them into a tune so bristling with vitality that it should be handed out as a timely antidote to SAD. We're expecting to hear big things of The Battle Royale, and it's only going to be a matter of seconds before we relent and buy their album Sparkle Dust Fantasy, which is stuffed with tunes equally as obscenely fantastic as Oh Martha. Give Oh Martha by The Battle Royale a whirl - it'll make your sodding day. Download Oh Martha by The Battle Royale now The Battle Royale website Buy at iTunes Music Store
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Catherine Zeta Jone Wedding Photo Strop Goes On And On

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s face it; wedding photos are rubbish. Most right-thinking guests know that wedding photo time is the time they stand around in the cold making chit-chat to people they barely know while the bride and groom get a jillion identical pictures taken.

But sometimes wedding photos take on more importance than normal. Usually, six years after the wedding, wedding photos are entirely forgotten about – save for the occasional catty comment about how fat the bride’s arms looked in her dress – but not if you’re Catherine Zeta Jones or her elderly husband Michael Douglas. if you’re Catherine Zeta Jones or Michael Douglas your wedding photos are more guarded and precious than the secret of life itself – unless a magazine has paid you £1 million for them – and you’ll go to the highest court in the land to make sure that absolutely nobody – except for the magazine and all of its readers – sees them.

Yeah, the court case between OK! and Hello! about Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas has reached the House of Lords. We suppose we could have just said that to begin with.

Let's face it; wedding photos are rubbish. Most right-thinking guests know that wedding photo time is the time they stand around in the cold making chit-chat to people they barely know while the bride and groom get a jillion identical pictures taken. But sometimes wedding photos take on more importance than normal. Usually, six years after the wedding, wedding photos are entirely forgotten about - save for the occasional catty comment about how fat the bride's arms looked in her dress - but not if you're Catherine Zeta Jones or her elderly husband Michael Douglas. if you're Catherine Zeta Jones or Michael Douglas your wedding photos are more guarded and precious than the secret of life itself - unless a magazine has paid you £1 million for them - and you'll go to the highest court in the land to make sure that absolutely nobody - except for the magazine and all of its readers - sees them. Yeah, the court case between OK! and Hello! about Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas has reached the House of Lords. We suppose we could have just said that to begin with.
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X Factor Betting Odds: Eton Road & Ben Mills

by Stuart Heritage

On Saturday’s X Factor, the ‘special musical guests’ were Westlife, which meant that the X Factor theme was either going to be Number Ones or Shitawful Lowest Common Denominator Boyband Dirge.

And, to everyone’s endless gratitude, the X Factor production staff went for Number Ones – a theme which meant that the remaining X Factor contestants could sing Shaddap You Face, Star Trekkin’ and Let’s Party by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers but not I Want You Back, God Only Knows or Out Of Your Mind by True Steppers and Dane Bowers (featuring Victoria Beckham). What a tragic injustice – let’s hope that next week’s X Factor goes some way to restoring the balance with its Songs About Things That Are Generally Quite Nice theme.

Anyway, who’s going to win X Factor this year? These two? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Eton Road and Ben Mills…

On Saturday's X Factor, the 'special musical guests' were Westlife, which meant that the X Factor theme was either going to be Number Ones or Shitawful Lowest Common Denominator Boyband Dirge. And, to everyone's endless gratitude, the X Factor production staff went for Number Ones - a theme which meant that the remaining X Factor contestants could sing Shaddap You Face, Star Trekkin' and Let's Party by Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers but not I Want You Back, God Only Knows or Out Of Your Mind by True Steppers and Dane Bowers (featuring Victoria Beckham). What a tragic injustice - let's hope that next week's X Factor goes some way to restoring the balance with its Songs About Things That Are Generally Quite Nice theme. Anyway, who's going to win X Factor this year? These two? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Eton Road and Ben Mills...
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Madonna’s Big Adoption Ruling Delayed Again

by Stuart Heritage

Being the fickle-minded, ADD-infected pop culture fans that you no doubt are, you’ll have probably forgotten that Madonna recently adopted a boy from Malawi so that he could enjoy a pony-riding life of drizzle-filled luxury in Great Britain.

Oh who are we kidding, of course you remember Madonna’s adoption of little David Banda from Malawi – at one point even serious news programmes were furiously trying to work out whether the boy would get a better life as an orphan in a poverty-stricken AIDS-ravaged country or as the son of an elderly millionaire who wears manky leotards a bit too much. But just because nobody has mentioned Madonna’s adoption of David Banda for just over a fortnight, it doesn’t mean that it’s all gone away. A consortium of 67 human rights groups are still trying to block Madonna from permanently adopting David Banda, and they’re waiting to find out if they can proceed with their case. And they will find out, just as soon as the sodding judge stops delaying his ruling.

Being the fickle-minded, ADD-infected pop culture fans that you no doubt are, you'll have probably forgotten that Madonna recently adopted a boy from Malawi so that he could enjoy a pony-riding life of drizzle-filled luxury in Great Britain. Oh who are we kidding, of course you remember Madonna's adoption of little David Banda from Malawi - at one point even serious news programmes were furiously trying to work out whether the boy would get a better life as an orphan in a poverty-stricken AIDS-ravaged country or as the son of an elderly millionaire who wears manky leotards a bit too much. But just because nobody has mentioned Madonna's adoption of David Banda for just over a fortnight, it doesn't mean that it's all gone away. A consortium of 67 human rights groups are still trying to block Madonna from permanently adopting David Banda, and they're waiting to find out if they can proceed with their case. And they will find out, just as soon as the sodding judge stops delaying his ruling.
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Kimberly Stewart Still Doesn’t Have Any Liver Disease

by Stuart Heritage

Some of us are naturally predisposed to shy away from the limelight, but we never realised that Kimberly Stewart was too, partly because her Dad is rocker Rod Stewart and partly because she seems to be a bit an attention-whoring nobsack.

But now it seems as if Kimberly Stewart has found her natural publicity boundaries. By all means you can talk about Kimberly Stewart falling out of clubs drunk a lot, not really having a proper job or only having friends who are also vacuous pointless second-generation celebrities with rich parents, but you absolutely cannot talk about Kimberly Stewart drinking and smoking so much that her liver packed up. That’s because it didn’t. Not that a little fact like that stopped Rod Stewart going round telling everyone that it was true, though.

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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Little Green Men Of Kelly

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies,government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts,religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Ufology

UFO sightings are generally written off by the general public. Sightings of actual aliens are often considered even more laughable. But when a sighting results in a bunch of people high-tailing it frantically to the local sheriff’s office to report oodles of aliens crawling all over the house they were staying in, a bit more interest and concern may be invested in the story.

And so it was in Kelly Station, Kentucky, 1955, with a sighting that has come to be known as ‘The Little Green Men Of Kelly’.

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