From the monthly archives:

November 2006

David Blaine Idiot Update: Now With Spinning & Children

by Stuart Heritage

Whatever you think of David Blaine, you have to admit that when he puts his mind to performing a new stunt he has the ability to make the world stop, scratch its head and mutter “He’s doing WHAT? Oh Jesus, what a nobsack.”

In the past, David Blaine’s exploits have involved him being frozen in ice, being dangled in a box in London and almost drowning in New York. And now David Blaine has launched yet another mental stunt for no good reason – this time David Blaine has decided that the best we he can postpone getting a proper job is to strap himself into a spinning gyroscope suspended 40ft above New York and try and escape by Friday. But the gyroscope stunt has a twist – if David Blaine succeeds, 100 poor children get to go on a special Christmas shopping spree. However, if the stunt goes horribly wrong and David Blaine falls 40ft to the ground and is then crushed to death by a heavy gyroscope, the kids get nothing.

Whatever you think of David Blaine, you have to admit that when he puts his mind to performing a new stunt he has the ability to make the world stop, scratch its head and mutter "He's doing WHAT? Oh Jesus, what a nobsack." In the past, David Blaine's exploits have involved him being frozen in ice, being dangled in a box in London and almost drowning in New York. And now David Blaine has launched yet another mental stunt for no good reason - this time David Blaine has decided that the best we he can postpone getting a proper job is to strap himself into a spinning gyroscope suspended 40ft above New York and try and escape by Friday. But the gyroscope stunt has a twist - if David Blaine succeeds, 100 poor children get to go on a special Christmas shopping spree. However, if the stunt goes horribly wrong and David Blaine falls 40ft to the ground and is then crushed to death by a heavy gyroscope, the kids get nothing.
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Harry Potter Snogs A Girl In The Face In New Phoenix Trailer

by Stuart Heritage

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix won’t be released for another eight months, but that hasn’t stopped a new Harry Potter teaser trailer from hitting the net so that all the Harry Potter fans can wet themselves about it way in advance.

And it’s a mixed bag is the new Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix trailer – while it contains several things that you’d expect from a Harry Potter trailer, like wizardy music and beardy men talking about vague threats, it also contains something that you possibly weren’t expecting; Harry Potter jamming his tongue so far down a girl’s throat that she turns purple. Or something. And it’s a good job too – Harry Potter needs all the practise he can get because once the teens of Britain have seen him naked, crying and stabbing a number of horses in the eyes with massive pointy metal sticks, they’re all going to want a bit of hot Harry Potter kissy kissy action right on their gobs, aren’t they?

Oh, we’ve got the Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix trailer after the jump for you. You really don’t deserve us, you know.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix won't be released for another eight months, but that hasn't stopped a new Harry Potter teaser trailer from hitting the net so that all the Harry Potter fans can wet themselves about it way in advance. And it's a mixed bag is the new Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix trailer - while it contains several things that you'd expect from a Harry Potter trailer, like wizardy music and beardy men talking about vague threats, it also contains something that you possibly weren't expecting; Harry Potter jamming his tongue so far down a girl's throat that she turns purple. Or something. And it's a good job too - Harry Potter needs all the practise he can get because once the teens of Britain have seen him naked, crying and stabbing a number of horses in the eyes with massive pointy metal sticks, they're all going to want a bit of hot Harry Potter kissy kissy action right on their gobs, aren't they? Oh, we've got the Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix trailer after the jump for you. You really don't deserve us, you know.
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Black Eyed Peas Inevitably Win A Load Of AMAs

by Stuart Heritage

Way back when they formed in the mid-nineties, the Black Eyed Peas may have made a pact that, no matter how big or small, they would play at every single awards ceremony going; or at least it certainly bloody seems that way.

And the awards ceremonies love the Black Eyed Peas in return. Take the American Music Awards, for example – even though all the Black Eyed Peas have done this year is that song that sounds like the Pulp Fiction theme-tune, rapped a bit over the most famous Sergio Mendes tune and launched some solo careers of wildly differing successes, the AMAs still found the time to award the Black Eyed Peas three trophies at last night’s ceremony. Still, the Black Eyed Peas shouldn’t get too excited; any credibility that the AMAs may have had disappeared out the window the moment that Jamie Foxx was voted as the Best Male.

Way back when they formed in the mid-nineties, the Black Eyed Peas may have made a pact that, no matter how big or small, they would play at every single awards ceremony going; or at least it certainly bloody seems that way. And the awards ceremonies love the Black Eyed Peas in return. Take the American Music Awards, for example - even though all the Black Eyed Peas have done this year is that song that sounds like the Pulp Fiction theme-tune, rapped a bit over the most famous Sergio Mendes tune and launched some solo careers of wildly differing successes, the AMAs still found the time to award the Black Eyed Peas three trophies at last night's ceremony. Still, the Black Eyed Peas shouldn't get too excited; any credibility that the AMAs may have had disappeared out the window the moment that Jamie Foxx was voted as the Best Male.
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Spears/Federline Sex Tape Doesn’t Exist That Much At All

by Shawn Lindseth

Air pollution is rampant, global tolerance is stretching thin, and just this morning hecklerspray saw a half-dozen waddling ducks with their heads stuck in one of those plastic six-pack ring thingies.

But you know what? None of that matters. That’s right, the sun is still shining, there’s a thousand butterflies twittering outside our office window, and we’re pretty sure we just found a skittle left over from yesterday’s mid-day snack. “Why the good mood, hecklerspray ol’ chum?” you may be asking. “Because the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline video-graphic sex-romp doesn’t exist at all,” we’re definitely answering.

Yup, according to Federline’s lawyer, there is no such tape, and anyone claiming otherwise is an effing liar with rat-like qualities. Now that’s not an exact quote mind you, it’s just our interpretation of the message the lawyer-guy was trying to drive home.

Air pollution is rampant, global tolerance is stretching thin, and just this morning hecklerspray saw a half-dozen waddling ducks with their heads stuck in one of those plastic six-pack ring thingies. But you know what? None of that matters. That's right, the sun is still shining, there's a thousand butterflies twittering outside our office window, and we're pretty sure we just found a skittle left over from yesterday's mid-day snack. "Why the good mood, hecklerspray ol' chum?" you may be asking. "Because the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline video-graphic sex-romp doesn't exist at all," we're definitely answering. Yup, according to Federline's lawyer, there is no such tape, and anyone claiming otherwise is an effing liar with rat-like qualities. Now that's not an exact quote mind you, it's just our interpretation of the message the lawyer-guy was trying to drive home.
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Robert Altman Dies At 81

by Stuart Heritage

It’s never exactly the most shocking thing when an 81-year-old man dies, but when that 81-year-old man is as well loved and respected as Robert Altman , who died on Monday night, then the news is still kinda sad.

Robert Altman, the movie director responsible for such pieces of art as MASH, Short Cuts, Gosford Park and that Popeye film that Robin Williams was in, passed away from complications of cancer surrounded by his family in Los Angeles on Monday. While the world of cinema will undoubtedly miss such a fiercely independent spirit in its community, at least we know that Robert Altman is up in heaven, or at least a version of heaven where everyone talks over each other all the time and nobody seems to really know what’s supposed to be going on.

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SLACKERJACK – Scribble

by Stuart Heritage

In this day and age, honest to goodness originality is a rare quality. All music sounds like music that’s been made before and all films are dull retreads of older films – so what about Scribble? Is Scribble the blast of wintry originality that we’ve been waiting for?

No, not really. Well, yes. Sort of. No. No it’s not. Oh, it’s so hard to say. If you look at the raw materials of Scribble, you could describe Scribble as half Lemmings and half Draw Line in that you control a bunch of Lemming-y things by drawing lines with your mouse. But once you start playing Scribble it completely becomes a new game in its own right. You direct your Scribble creatures with hand-drawn slopes and walls, desperately hoping that your lines don’t suddenly fade and plunge your Scribble creatures onto whatever nastiness you’re trying to protect them from. While Scribble can at times seem a bit like trying to keep 150 plates spinning at once, it’s a joy to behold once you’ve got the hang of it.

Play Scribble Now

In this day and age, honest to goodness originality is a rare quality. All music sounds like music that's been made before and all films are dull retreads of older films - so what about Scribble? Is Scribble the blast of wintry originality that we've been waiting for? No, not really. Well, yes. Sort of. No. No it's not. Oh, it's so hard to say. If you look at the raw materials of Scribble, you could describe Scribble as half Lemmings and half Draw Line in that you control a bunch of Lemming-y things by drawing lines with your mouse. But once you start playing Scribble it completely becomes a new game in its own right. You direct your Scribble creatures with hand-drawn slopes and walls, desperately hoping that your lines don't suddenly fade and plunge your Scribble creatures onto whatever nastiness you're trying to protect them from. While Scribble can at times seem a bit like trying to keep 150 plates spinning at once, it's a joy to behold once you've got the hang of it. Play Scribble Now
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Edward Norton Angry At Scrounging Rich Celebrities

by C J Davies

Come February next year, two things will be certain.

Number One is that your hand-on-heart resolution to make 2007 the hard-workin’ year in which everything changes will have gone to seed in a haze of badly-rolled joints and 24 DVDs. And Number Two – precision-honed to remind you that literally everyone else in the world is dead famous and sexy and talented apart from ugly old you – Oscar season will be on us again.

We all know what that means. Yep – more innovative and thought-provoking films being overlooked in favour of whichever period drama featured the shiniest jackets (hecklerspray prediction: Keira Knightley for her starring turn in Lord, How Woeful Was My Accent?).

It also means that the golden-ticket-granted celebrities will be filing into the auditorium, ready to flash a grin at the cameras and pretend to be all noble when the bald little statue goes to their arch rival. But, hey, at least everyone gets a goodie bag. And boy oh boy does that ever get Edward Norton all narked up.

Come February next year, two things will be certain. Number One is that your hand-on-heart resolution to make 2007 the hard-workin' year in which everything changes will have gone to seed in a haze of badly-rolled joints and 24 DVDs. And Number Two - precision-honed to remind you that literally everyone else in the world is dead famous and sexy and talented apart from ugly old you - Oscar season will be on us again. We all know what that means. Yep - more innovative and thought-provoking films being overlooked in favour of whichever period drama featured the shiniest jackets (hecklerspray prediction: Keira Knightley for her starring turn in Lord, How Woeful Was My Accent?). It also means that the golden-ticket-granted celebrities will be filing into the auditorium, ready to flash a grin at the cameras and pretend to be all noble when the bald little statue goes to their arch rival. But, hey, at least everyone gets a goodie bag. And boy oh boy does that ever get Edward Norton all narked up.
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X Factor Betting Odds – Leona Lewis To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

On Saturday’s X Factor Simon Cowell was so jet-lagged and tired that he couldn’t even properly berate the MacDonald Brothers for being a couple of personality-free namby-pamby nobsacks with any of his usual venom.

But there was a reason why Simon Cowell spent much of Saturday’s X Factor staring off into the middle distance like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest – he spent all week in America going through the whole cycle of listening to day after day of mind-numbingly dreadful American Idol contestants again. And that’s not all he was doing; according to reports, Simon Cowell was also punting round Leona Lewis to anyone who’d listen, and somehow managed to secure her a performance on The Ellen DeGeneres show. If you don’t know what that means, imagine one of the American Idol finalists singing on Loose Women – it’s that big.

Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis…

On Saturday's X Factor Simon Cowell was so jet-lagged and tired that he couldn't even properly berate the MacDonald Brothers for being a couple of personality-free namby-pamby nobsacks with any of his usual venom. But there was a reason why Simon Cowell spent much of Saturday's X Factor staring off into the middle distance like Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - he spent all week in America going through the whole cycle of listening to day after day of mind-numbingly dreadful American Idol contestants again. And that's not all he was doing; according to reports, Simon Cowell was also punting round Leona Lewis to anyone who'd listen, and somehow managed to secure her a performance on The Ellen DeGeneres show. If you don't know what that means, imagine one of the American Idol finalists singing on Loose Women - it's that big. Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis...
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The Game Arrested For Pretending To Be A Policeman

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the heinous crimes that we’ve ever heard of, B-list rapper The Game has gone and trumped them all by – get this – apparently telling a taxi driver he was a policeman and making him drive through some red lights, the law-breaking bastard.

Now, it’s probably just a coincidence that The Game had a new album released last week. At least we hope it’s a coincidence, because if The Game planned to boost his notoriety and presence in the album charts by somehow convincing a New York taxi driver that – despite his tattooed face and gang of burly hangers-on – he was a police officer and it was very important that he ran a few red lights, then we may just be looking at one of the world’s most genuinely inept, pansy-faced publicity stunts the world has ever known.

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Little Britain, Sugar Rush, Gordon Ramsay Win International Emmys

by Stuart Heritage

You can tell a lot about a country by the type of television that it broadcasts. America is full of flashy expensive dramas like Heroes, Australia has cheapo daytime soaps and Italy has a show where a scared man staples himself to a wooden board.

And Britain? Well, as for Britain, the world sees us as a country of violently angry scrotum-faced chefs with worrying penis obsessions, fat lesbians from Brighton, men who live in the 1970s and two people saying the exact same jokes week after week. The International Emmy Awards took place night night, you see, and British TV shows swept the board, with Gordon Ramsay, Sugar Rush, Life On Mars and Little Britain all winning awards. These shows can now hold their heads up high as the best TV that’s produced anywhere in the world. Wait, are they talking about the same Sugar Rush as we are?

You can tell a lot about a country by the type of television that it broadcasts. America is full of flashy expensive dramas like Heroes, Australia has cheapo daytime soaps and Italy has a show where a scared man staples himself to a wooden board. And Britain? Well, as for Britain, the world sees us as a country of violently angry scrotum-faced chefs with worrying penis obsessions, fat lesbians from Brighton, men who live in the 1970s and two people saying the exact same jokes week after week. The International Emmy Awards took place night night, you see, and British TV shows swept the board, with Gordon Ramsay, Sugar Rush, Life On Mars and Little Britain all winning awards. These shows can now hold their heads up high as the best TV that's produced anywhere in the world. Wait, are they talking about the same Sugar Rush as we are?
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