Certain questions just need to be asked.

Is there intelligent life on planets other than our own? Will there ever, ever be a peaceful solution to the Middle-East crisis? Is it really possible to create a genuine utopia in which every human being is happy and fulfilled?

And exactly what would happen if you placed a sack of marbles into a household blender?

Hey you! Yes, you! Do you get a kick out of buying mundane domestic household objects that used to belong to dead, drug-ravaged hippy singers? You are? Well today is your lucky day - you have the chance to buy Syd Barrett's bread bin.

The family of dead Pink Floyd founder and big-haired, acid-wrecked posho visionary goon Syd Barrett have announced that they are to auction off many of his possessions next week, with some of the proceeds going to charity. And the Syd Barrett auction has apparently stoked up interest from around the world, with global Syd fans eager to snap up things that he owned before he died so that they can tell their friends "See that chest of drawers? That's Syd Barrett's chest of drawers. Yeah, I know."

There are precious few episodes of Strictly Come Dancing left before the eventual winner is found, so make the most of all the weekly gifts Strictly Come Dancing gives you while you can.

Oh, you know what we're talking about - Bruce Forsyth squinting and moving his head from side to side as he tries to make sense of the autocue, Tess Daly looking as if she's being forced to lick poo out of a tramp's beard every time she attempts to dance with Bruce, the female Strictly Come Dancing judge who gets more and more predatory as each week passes, the Italian Strictly Come Dancing judge who looks like he'd do a happy little jig even if you told him his house had burnt down... you'll miss all these when they're gone. And some people are trying to tell us that there's some kind of dancing competition in Strictly Come Dancing too. Well we'll be blown.

Who the bum is going to win Strictly Come Dancing, that's what we want to know. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson, Louisa Lytton and Mark Ramprakash...

Now that Britney Spears is a young free single redneck mother of two, you'd expect that she'd relish every pop taken at the expense of her almost supernaturally deluded estranged husband Kevin Federline, right?

Nope - in fact the opposite couldn't be more true. It's being reported that when Britney Spears saw Jimmy Kimmel taking the piss out of Kevin Federline at the American Music Awards earlier this week she flew into such an almighty rage that she demanded the Federline jokes be removed from the West Coast feed. Which they weren't. In fact, it's thought that Britney Spears hasn't been so angry since she was forced to go and apologise for dangerously driving her kids about instead of sitting at home cramming 14 packets of Cheetos into her face every hour.

You know Tawny Kitaen? No? You mean you don't know who Tawny Kitaen is? Come on, she played Karen Malone in 1985 made-for-TV movie California Girls - and she was in the video for Here I Go Again by Whitesnake.

Anyone? Anyone know who Tawny Kitaen is? No, OK, us neither. All those facts in the paragraph above were borrowed from the Internet, and there'll be plenty more where that came from later. Anyway, Tawny Kitaen - and just to make it clear, we don't actually know who she is - has been arrested because police officers found 15 grams of cocaine in her house. And if that news hasn't affected your life in a very real, profound way then we're not sure you can be saved.

Some stuff is common knowledge and should never really be disputed by anyone. For example, when people say to us "hecklerspray provides kick arse entertainment stories" we respond by saying. “Yeah we know, you don’t have to remind us.”

See, we're modest like that. Other things that are pretty much common facts include the fact that Chelsea are only doing so well because they've literally bought success, Coke Zero is horrible and you’re going to be getting socks for Christmas. Annoyingly, some people like to mix up fact and fiction, often believing that some fiction is true. In our case, this comes in the form of bands sending us spam links to their poorly designed websites and MySpace pages. They tell us that they’ve browsed our profile (yeah, right) and think we’d like their sound because they're a hybrid of new wave power pop meeting early post punk sounds. This load of apparently randomly put together words hurt our brains. Instead of being overly complicated, we just prefer simple straight forward creations. Like this weeks act, The Matinee Orchestra. 

Hollywood is so full of pointless remakes these days that it's hard not to be disappointed to see a book you love turned into a crappy film, or a TV show you loved turned into a crappy film, or a film you loved turned into a crappy film.

But at least the world is going to have to deal with one less crappy movie remake to deal with - a proposed remake of 1984's Revenge Of The Nerds produced by Charlie's Angels director McG and some boy from The OC has suddenly been ditched at the last minute by new studio offshoot Fox Atomic. We know what you're thinking, and we agree - why couldn't this have happened to Alfie. And The Italian Job. And Bewitched. And The Wicker Man. And any Asian Horror film you've ever seen. But not the Magnum remake. That we'd like to see.

Now that Fox has shelved plans to publish a book and broadcast an interview with OJ Simpson where he'd describe how much better he'd be at murdering those two people than the bloke who actually did it, a few questions have been raised.

Firstly there's the obvious question about how OJ Simpson would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, which we'll never get to know now that Fox has pulled the plug. Secondly - and more importantly - there's the question that goes "What in the name of shrieking piss were you thinking, OJ Simpson?" because it probably wouldn't occur to most people to write a book about how they'd have done the murder of their ex-wife and her friend that they had already been found to be liable for. OJ Simpson knows this, and he's made it clear that any money If I Did It, Here's How It Happened raised would have been "blood money," but blood money that he sorely needs because his retirement money is running out.

Cuh, people just aren't as quick to employ people who are prepared to describe the imaginary murder of their already-murdered ex-wives these days, are they?