From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Dawson, Lytton & Ramprakash

by Stuart Heritage

There are precious few episodes of Strictly Come Dancing left before the eventual winner is found, so make the most of all the weekly gifts Strictly Come Dancing gives you while you can.

Oh, you know what we’re talking about – Bruce Forsyth squinting and moving his head from side to side as he tries to make sense of the autocue, Tess Daly looking as if she’s being forced to lick poo out of a tramp’s beard every time she attempts to dance with Bruce, the female Strictly Come Dancing judge who gets more and more predatory as each week passes, the Italian Strictly Come Dancing judge who looks like he’d do a happy little jig even if you told him his house had burnt down… you’ll miss all these when they’re gone. And some people are trying to tell us that there’s some kind of dancing competition in Strictly Come Dancing too. Well we’ll be blown.

Who the bum is going to win Strictly Come Dancing, that’s what we want to know. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson, Louisa Lytton and Mark Ramprakash…

There are precious few episodes of Strictly Come Dancing left before the eventual winner is found, so make the most of all the weekly gifts Strictly Come Dancing gives you while you can. Oh, you know what we're talking about - Bruce Forsyth squinting and moving his head from side to side as he tries to make sense of the autocue, Tess Daly looking as if she's being forced to lick poo out of a tramp's beard every time she attempts to dance with Bruce, the female Strictly Come Dancing judge who gets more and more predatory as each week passes, the Italian Strictly Come Dancing judge who looks like he'd do a happy little jig even if you told him his house had burnt down... you'll miss all these when they're gone. And some people are trying to tell us that there's some kind of dancing competition in Strictly Come Dancing too. Well we'll be blown. Who the bum is going to win Strictly Come Dancing, that's what we want to know. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Matt Dawson, Louisa Lytton and Mark Ramprakash...
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Britney Spears Worryingly Upset About Kevin Federline Jokes

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Britney Spears is a young free single redneck mother of two, you’d expect that she’d relish every pop taken at the expense of her almost supernaturally deluded estranged husband Kevin Federline, right?

Nope – in fact the opposite couldn’t be more true. It’s being reported that when Britney Spears saw Jimmy Kimmel taking the piss out of Kevin Federline at the American Music Awards earlier this week she flew into such an almighty rage that she demanded the Federline jokes be removed from the West Coast feed. Which they weren’t. In fact, it’s thought that Britney Spears hasn’t been so angry since she was forced to go and apologise for dangerously driving her kids about instead of sitting at home cramming 14 packets of Cheetos into her face every hour.

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Some Woman You’ve Never Heard Of Took Cocaine

by Stuart Heritage

You know Tawny Kitaen? No? You mean you don’t know who Tawny Kitaen is? Come on, she played Karen Malone in 1985 made-for-TV movie California Girls – and she was in the video for Here I Go Again by Whitesnake.

Anyone? Anyone know who Tawny Kitaen is? No, OK, us neither. All those facts in the paragraph above were borrowed from the Internet, and there’ll be plenty more where that came from later. Anyway, Tawny Kitaen – and just to make it clear, we don’t actually know who she is – has been arrested because police officers found 15 grams of cocaine in her house. And if that news hasn’t affected your life in a very real, profound way then we’re not sure you can be saved.

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MySpace Trawl – The Matinee Orchestra

by Matthew Laidlow

Some stuff is common knowledge and should never really be disputed by anyone. For example, when people say to us “hecklerspray provides kick arse entertainment stories” we respond by saying. “Yeah we know, you don’t have to remind us.”

See, we’re modest like that. Other things that are pretty much common facts include the fact that Chelsea are only doing so well because they’ve literally bought success, Coke Zero is horrible and you’re going to be getting socks for Christmas. Annoyingly, some people like to mix up fact and fiction, often believing that some fiction is true. In our case, this comes in the form of bands sending us spam links to their poorly designed websites and MySpace pages. They tell us that they’ve browsed our profile (yeah, right) and think we’d like their sound because they’re a hybrid of new wave power pop meeting early post punk sounds. This load of apparently randomly put together words hurt our brains. Instead of being overly complicated, we just prefer simple straight forward creations. Like this weeks act, The Matinee Orchestra.

Some stuff is common knowledge and should never really be disputed by anyone. For example, when people say to us "hecklerspray provides kick arse entertainment stories" we respond by saying. “Yeah we know, you don’t have to remind us.” See, we're modest like that. Other things that are pretty much common facts include the fact that Chelsea are only doing so well because they've literally bought success, Coke Zero is horrible and you’re going to be getting socks for Christmas. Annoyingly, some people like to mix up fact and fiction, often believing that some fiction is true. In our case, this comes in the form of bands sending us spam links to their poorly designed websites and MySpace pages. They tell us that they’ve browsed our profile (yeah, right) and think we’d like their sound because they're a hybrid of new wave power pop meeting early post punk sounds. This load of apparently randomly put together words hurt our brains. Instead of being overly complicated, we just prefer simple straight forward creations. Like this weeks act, The Matinee Orchestra.
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Revenge Of The Nerds Remake Gets Binned

by Stuart Heritage

Hollywood is so full of pointless remakes these days that it’s hard not to be disappointed to see a book you love turned into a crappy film, or a TV show you loved turned into a crappy film, or a film you loved turned into a crappy film.

But at least the world is going to have to deal with one less crappy movie remake to deal with – a proposed remake of 1984′s Revenge Of The Nerds produced by Charlie’s Angels director McG and some boy from The OC has suddenly been ditched at the last minute by new studio offshoot Fox Atomic. We know what you’re thinking, and we agree – why couldn’t this have happened to Alfie. And The Italian Job. And Bewitched. And The Wicker Man. And any Asian Horror film you’ve ever seen. But not the Magnum remake. That we’d like to see.

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OJ Simpson: Guff-Brained Murder Book Was For Blood Money

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Fox has shelved plans to publish a book and broadcast an interview with OJ Simpson where he’d describe how much better he’d be at murdering those two people than the bloke who actually did it, a few questions have been raised.

Firstly there’s the obvious question about how OJ Simpson would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, which we’ll never get to know now that Fox has pulled the plug. Secondly – and more importantly – there’s the question that goes “What in the name of shrieking piss were you thinking, OJ Simpson?” because it probably wouldn’t occur to most people to write a book about how they’d have done the murder of their ex-wife and her friend that they had already been found to be liable for. OJ Simpson knows this, and he’s made it clear that any money If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened raised would have been “blood money,” but blood money that he sorely needs because his retirement money is running out.

Cuh, people just aren’t as quick to employ people who are prepared to describe the imaginary murder of their already-murdered ex-wives these days, are they?

Now that Fox has shelved plans to publish a book and broadcast an interview with OJ Simpson where he'd describe how much better he'd be at murdering those two people than the bloke who actually did it, a few questions have been raised. Firstly there's the obvious question about how OJ Simpson would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, which we'll never get to know now that Fox has pulled the plug. Secondly - and more importantly - there's the question that goes "What in the name of shrieking piss were you thinking, OJ Simpson?" because it probably wouldn't occur to most people to write a book about how they'd have done the murder of their ex-wife and her friend that they had already been found to be liable for. OJ Simpson knows this, and he's made it clear that any money If I Did It, Here's How It Happened raised would have been "blood money," but blood money that he sorely needs because his retirement money is running out. Cuh, people just aren't as quick to employ people who are prepared to describe the imaginary murder of their already-murdered ex-wives these days, are they?
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Kramer: ‘Sorry For Being Such A Bloody Racist, Al Sharpton’

by Stuart Heritage

Even though comedy is essentially subjective, there are still a few golden rules. For instance, monkey butlers are funny to everyone, while former sitcom stars yelling “He’s a nigger he’s a nigger he’s a nigger” at hecklers – not so much.

Someone should have probably mentioned that to Michael Richards. Had his stand-up routine featured more chimps in bow ties walking around the stage holding silver trays and less disturbingly angry racist tirades, he probably wouldn’t be in so much trouble at the moment. But, as Michael Richards is discovering, you can’t turn back time when you’ve been caught on YouTube yelling that he’d like to stick a fork up the rectum of an African American, and so that’s why Michael Richards is going all-out to apologise to everyone he can, including ringing up Al Sharpton to say “yeah, sorry about all that racist stuff.” Trouble is, though, it doesn’t look as if Al Sharpton is really buying it.

Even though comedy is essentially subjective, there are still a few golden rules. For instance, monkey butlers are funny to everyone, while former sitcom stars yelling "He's a nigger he's a nigger he's a nigger" at hecklers - not so much. Someone should have probably mentioned that to Michael Richards. Had his stand-up routine featured more chimps in bow ties walking around the stage holding silver trays and less disturbingly angry racist tirades, he probably wouldn't be in so much trouble at the moment. But, as Michael Richards is discovering, you can't turn back time when you've been caught on YouTube yelling that he'd like to stick a fork up the rectum of an African American, and so that's why Michael Richards is going all-out to apologise to everyone he can, including ringing up Al Sharpton to say "yeah, sorry about all that racist stuff." Trouble is, though, it doesn't look as if Al Sharpton is really buying it.
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SLACKERJACK – Luck Charm Deluxe

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve featured plenty of games like Luck Charm Deluxe before – where you line up various similar objects to try and get rid of them – but no game has ever affected us in quite the way Luck Charm Deluxe has.

Mainly this is down to the Luck Charm Deluxe Lucky Teacher – he’s helpful, but he freaks the living turds out of us. Imagine a moon-faced Mick Hucknall lookalike dressed up like Robin Hood who constantly shouts advice at you… that’s what the Luck Charm Deluxe Lucky Teacher is like. Leaving him aside, though, Luck Charms Deluxe is just that – charming. As you try to link up as many charms as you can over 100 captivating levels, you’ll grow more and more attached to Luck Charm Deluxe, even to the point where – miraculously – the screeching tiny ginger Irish leprechaun stops making you cry on sight.

Order Luck Charm Deluxe Now

Download Luck Charm Deluxe

We've featured plenty of games like Luck Charm Deluxe before - where you line up various similar objects to try and get rid of them - but no game has ever affected us in quite the way Luck Charm Deluxe has. Mainly this is down to the Luck Charm Deluxe Lucky Teacher - he's helpful, but he freaks the living turds out of us. Imagine a moon-faced Mick Hucknall lookalike dressed up like Robin Hood who constantly shouts advice at you... that's what the Luck Charm Deluxe Lucky Teacher is like. Leaving him aside, though, Luck Charms Deluxe is just that - charming. As you try to link up as many charms as you can over 100 captivating levels, you'll grow more and more attached to Luck Charm Deluxe, even to the point where - miraculously - the screeching tiny ginger Irish leprechaun stops making you cry on sight. Order Luck Charm Deluxe Now Download Luck Charm Deluxe
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Now Elton John Hates Oasis Too

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a big week for people who make weird emotional investments in the amount of CDs that rubbishy bands sell, even though they know full well that Mr Blobby could be number one forever and it wouldn’t really have any effect on their lives.

This is because Westlife, Oasis, U2 and The Beatles all have albums out, and they’re kind of having a race to see who gets to number one. At the moment Westlife are apparently in the lead, which is apparently bad because we’re told a Westlife album is worse than a cynical contract-fulfilling Greatest Hits album or a band’s third Greatest Hits album in eight years or a CD where you can hear Ringo Starr singing Octopus’s Garden to the tune of Good Night. Anyway, even though nobody could really care less which album gets to number one, Elton John has typically got all fired up, waded in and demanded that Westlife beat Oasis, because Noel Gallagher said Elton John probably doesn’t go shopping very often or something.

It's a big week for people who make weird emotional investments in the amount of CDs that rubbishy bands sell, even though they know full well that Mr Blobby could be number one forever and it wouldn't really have any effect on their lives. This is because Westlife, Oasis, U2 and The Beatles all have albums out, and they're kind of having a race to see who gets to number one. At the moment Westlife are apparently in the lead, which is apparently bad because we're told a Westlife album is worse than a cynical contract-fulfilling Greatest Hits album or a band's third Greatest Hits album in eight years or a CD where you can hear Ringo Starr singing Octopus's Garden to the tune of Good Night. Anyway, even though nobody could really care less which album gets to number one, Elton John has typically got all fired up, waded in and demanded that Westlife beat Oasis, because Noel Gallagher said Elton John probably doesn't go shopping very often or something.
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Peter Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, the inevitable happened – after seven weeks of lumbering around a stage like an out-of-control Frankenstein’s Monster chasing some poultry around a farm, Peter Schmeichel was booted from Strictly Come Dancing.

As is typical with all this slightly too-long talent shows, the standard of performance grows a little tiny bit every time another dancer leaves. Normally at this point we’d say that Peter Schmeichel just wasn’t able to cut it amongst these increased levels of scrutiny from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, but that’d be a big fat lie – can you remember a time when Peter Schmeichel didn’t look like a complete mess staggering around the stage like a gunshot victim? Of course you can’t, and how dare you question us.

But now Strictly Come Dancing features 100% less Danish oafery, who’ll win? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Claire King, Carol Smillie and Emma Bunton…

On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, the inevitable happened - after seven weeks of lumbering around a stage like an out-of-control Frankenstein's Monster chasing some poultry around a farm, Peter Schmeichel was booted from Strictly Come Dancing. As is typical with all this slightly too-long talent shows, the standard of performance grows a little tiny bit every time another dancer leaves. Normally at this point we'd say that Peter Schmeichel just wasn't able to cut it amongst these increased levels of scrutiny from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, but that'd be a big fat lie - can you remember a time when Peter Schmeichel didn't look like a complete mess staggering around the stage like a gunshot victim? Of course you can't, and how dare you question us. But now Strictly Come Dancing features 100% less Danish oafery, who'll win? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Claire King, Carol Smillie and Emma Bunton...
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