Article Archive for November 2006
Folded to cast a smile, Creased to cast a tear.
Folded:
All Saints all grown up (The sexy older women. They have ditched those bloody cargo pants and never looked finer) Borat the movie soundtrack (See the funniest film since, well anything in the past five years that was actually funny and not as dry as a bone – then get the soundtrack. Totally, ...
Celebrities. They have it all, don't they? Wealth, fame, legions of fawning fans and a God-given right to carp on about whatever dumb shit happens to be ambiently floating around their mind at any given moment in time.
But then once the celebrity has finished talking cock, their words disappear into the air forever.
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Regardless of how much Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to save the world, it's hard to call their recent visit to India anything other than a disaster - so who can blame either of them for wanting to cut loose and try again somewhere else?
That's the logical reason Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have surprised everyone by suddenly turning up out of the blue in the commercial sector of Ho Chi Minh City, where they bombed around on a moped for a while, ate some food and disappeared again. The illogical reasons why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in Vietnam include: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie playing flutes through the streets of Ho Chi Minh in order to lure the city's children into following them to the dock where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will trap them in a special adoptosack; and that Angelina Jolie's next role will be as a Vietnamese woman and she was there doing a reconnaissance mission to find the most offensively stereotypical colour of face-paint to use.
We're going to go with one of those reasons, but we're not sure which just yet.
Most people would regard being strapped into a three-ring gyroscope, hoisted 40ft into the air and left to listlessly spin around eight times a minute for a couple of days with no food or water in the freezing cold as a really rubbish way to pass the time.
Luckily, though, most people aren't David Blaine. That's a good thing in itself - imagine how annoying it'd be if everywhere you went people kept throwing playing cards through sheets of glass - but we're straying slightly off-subject. Anyway, David Blaine has been going through that exact gyroscope scenario this week, which culminated last night in a dramatic David Blaine-style unshackling of some locks, a 40ft fall through a wooden stage and a quick hobble off to catch a taxi in time for tea. And David Blaine's successful escape from his gyroscope stunt means that 100 poverty-stricken New York children now get to go on a shopping spree around Target, where they'll each spend a special $500 gift voucher that's been personally splattered with David Blaine's very own motion sickness vomit.
hecklerspray is a hugely successful blog. Why just yesterday our sources tell us that we popped up when Tony Danza did a google search on the word 'graceful'.
And that kind of popularity feels nice too, it really does. Even so, we know we've got to plan for the inconceivable. We know we can't always plan on advertisers throwing millions of dollars at us every month - that's why we've got a back up plan. Heaven forbid, if readership ever dries up, we are totally moving to Hollywood to become a mega-successful action star.
All the smartest people have a backup plan. We're told Bono was this close to opening a bakery just before The Joshua Tree hit. Should the need arise, we've heard Phylicia Rashad will fall back on butcher skills she learned in run-down trade school.
And rumour has it Heather Mills is shooting for a role on Desperate Housewives. Yup, everyone's got a backup plan.
If you're a bit strange you've probably been wondering whatever happened to Seal - the bald, facially-scarred singer who was famous for having two well-known songs a decade ago and then doing a song for the film about Porky Pig playing basketball.
Well Seal just hasn't had time for you lately, Seal-fans. Why? Because he went and got married to supermodel Heidi Klum last year, that's why. And it looks as of Heidi Klum has been keeping Seal busy - on Wednesday Heidi Klum gave birth to their second baby in just over a year. Why, if he keeps this terrific birthrate up, we'll have to start referring to Seal as the new bald, black, facially-scarred Kevin Federline. Only, you know, with a slightly more successful musical career. Slightly.
It's a little known fact that, if you laid all the Breakout clones in the world from end to end, your wife would probably be very upset at all the mess you made of the kitchen.
Christmas. You can always tell its getting near Christmas in a couple of ways. Firstly a rubbish local ITV newsreaders comes and turns on the Christmas lights in your pikey little town, and secondly every band in the universe releases a Best Of album.
That's never been truer than this week, when Oasis and U2 both pit their
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