From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

Folded to cast a smile, Creased to cast a tear.

Folded:

* All Saints all grown up (The sexy older women. They have ditched those bloody cargo pants and never looked finer)
* Borat the movie soundtrack (See the funniest film since, well anything in the past five years that was actually funny and not as dry as a bone – then get the soundtrack. Totally, absolutely serious, it’s a party classic. This Christmas’ Chas n’ Dave Jamboree Arthritic Knees Up)
* Liquid spirits (Beer is out. Winter commands a strong liver)
* Nintendo Wii (You’ve got to be excited because at least Nintendo are having a go. It will probably fail, but they are having a damn good try anyway)
* Really deep pub conversations (Like trying to remember the name of Battlecat in He-Man before he turned into Battlecat. Have a go without checking on Google. We’ve settled on Granger, but it still sounds wrong)

Creased:

* This Life repeats on BBC2 (Seeing this collective of impossibly habituated fuck-ups back with nothing more to say than ‘nudity and causal bad language’ makes you wonder why you got so excited first time around. Makes you seriously doubt the upcoming specials, too)
* Adios, Peter Jackson (Apparently asked to walk away from directing The Hobbit. Despite the threat of yet more DVD special editions and impending sofa haemorrhoids, this is a bad thing)
* Kelly Osbourne on I’m a Celebrity… (Screwing it up like a big, fat arse. How hard can it be, love, really? Just talk like you give a shit)
* Stink bombs (Kids all seem to be dropping them in town centres again. Let’s kill ‘em)
* Those Southern Comfort ‘SoCo’ adverts (if you actually hear anyone up their own arse enough to order a SoCo in a bar, then please punch them for us. Lot of violence this week)

Folded to cast a smile, Creased to cast a tear. Folded: * All Saints all grown up (The sexy older women. They have ditched those bloody cargo pants and never looked finer) * Borat the movie soundtrack (See the funniest film since, well anything in the past five years that was actually funny and not as dry as a bone – then get the soundtrack. Totally, absolutely serious, it’s a party classic. This Christmas’ Chas n’ Dave Jamboree Arthritic Knees Up) * Liquid spirits (Beer is out. Winter commands a strong liver) * Nintendo Wii (You’ve got to be excited because at least Nintendo are having a go. It will probably fail, but they are having a damn good try anyway) * Really deep pub conversations (Like trying to remember the name of Battlecat in He-Man before he turned into Battlecat. Have a go without checking on Google. We’ve settled on Granger, but it still sounds wrong) Creased: * This Life repeats on BBC2 (Seeing this collective of impossibly habituated fuck-ups back with nothing more to say than ‘nudity and causal bad language’ makes you wonder why you got so excited first time around. Makes you seriously doubt the upcoming specials, too) * Adios, Peter Jackson (Apparently asked to walk away from directing The Hobbit. Despite the threat of yet more DVD special editions and impending sofa haemorrhoids, this is a bad thing) * Kelly Osbourne on I’m a Celebrity… (Screwing it up like a big, fat arse. How hard can it be, love, really? Just talk like you give a shit) * Stink bombs (Kids all seem to be dropping them in town centres again. Let’s kill ‘em) * Those Southern Comfort ‘SoCo’ adverts (if you actually hear anyone up their own arse enough to order a SoCo in a bar, then please punch them for us. Lot of violence this week)
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Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week: Heather Mills

by Stuart Heritage

Celebrities. They have it all, don’t they? Wealth, fame, legions of fawning fans and a God-given right to carp on about whatever dumb shit happens to be ambiently floating around their mind at any given moment in time.

But then once the celebrity has finished talking cock, their words disappear into the air forever. That’s why the hecklerspray Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week hand-picks the dumbest thing any famous person says during the week and plasters it all over a super high-quality range of male and female T-shirts for you to wear forever. And they’re cheap, too.

This week, the dumb celebrity in question is Heather Mills, who went on American TV recently to try and convince the world that she’s a lot less awful than it probably thinks she is. And how did she do this? By saying that she’d rather have all of her arms and legs cut off than have people slag her off in the papers because “if your limbs are chopped off you get another limb.” Now, ignoring the fact that Heather Mills would have to be part starfish for this mental statement to make sense, we want you to look us in the eye and tell us that you don’t want a Heather Mills “If Your Limbs Are Chopped Off You Get Another Limb” T-shirt. Of course you want one – everyone wants one, and they’re already flying off the shelves. Time to get in on the Heather Mills T-shirt action, we think.

Get your hands on a Heather Mills “If Your Limbs Are Chopped Off You Get Another Limb” T-shirt

Celebrities. They have it all, don't they? Wealth, fame, legions of fawning fans and a God-given right to carp on about whatever dumb shit happens to be ambiently floating around their mind at any given moment in time. But then once the celebrity has finished talking cock, their words disappear into the air forever. That's why the hecklerspray Dumb Celebrity T-Shirt Of The Week hand-picks the dumbest thing any famous person says during the week and plasters it all over a super high-quality range of male and female T-shirts for you to wear forever. And they're cheap, too. This week, the dumb celebrity in question is Heather Mills, who went on American TV recently to try and convince the world that she's a lot less awful than it probably thinks she is. And how did she do this? By saying that she'd rather have all of her arms and legs cut off than have people slag her off in the papers because "if your limbs are chopped off you get another limb." Now, ignoring the fact that Heather Mills would have to be part starfish for this mental statement to make sense, we want you to look us in the eye and tell us that you don't want a Heather Mills "If Your Limbs Are Chopped Off You Get Another Limb" T-shirt. Of course you want one - everyone wants one, and they're already flying off the shelves. Time to get in on the Heather Mills T-shirt action, we think. Get your hands on a Heather Mills "If Your Limbs Are Chopped Off You Get Another Limb" T-shirt
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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Div Around Vietnam On A Bike

by Stuart Heritage

Regardless of how much Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to save the world, it’s hard to call their recent visit to India anything other than a disaster – so who can blame either of them for wanting to cut loose and try again somewhere else?

That’s the logical reason Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have surprised everyone by suddenly turning up out of the blue in the commercial sector of Ho Chi Minh City, where they bombed around on a moped for a while, ate some food and disappeared again. The illogical reasons why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in Vietnam include: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie playing flutes through the streets of Ho Chi Minh in order to lure the city’s children into following them to the dock where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will trap them in a special adoptosack; and that Angelina Jolie’s next role will be as a Vietnamese woman and she was there doing a reconnaissance mission to find the most offensively stereotypical colour of face-paint to use.

We’re going to go with one of those reasons, but we’re not sure which just yet.

Regardless of how much Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to save the world, it's hard to call their recent visit to India anything other than a disaster - so who can blame either of them for wanting to cut loose and try again somewhere else? That's the logical reason Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have surprised everyone by suddenly turning up out of the blue in the commercial sector of Ho Chi Minh City, where they bombed around on a moped for a while, ate some food and disappeared again. The illogical reasons why Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were in Vietnam include: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie playing flutes through the streets of Ho Chi Minh in order to lure the city's children into following them to the dock where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will trap them in a special adoptosack; and that Angelina Jolie's next role will be as a Vietnamese woman and she was there doing a reconnaissance mission to find the most offensively stereotypical colour of face-paint to use. We're going to go with one of those reasons, but we're not sure which just yet.
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David Blaine Idiot Update: Gyroscope Stunt Over Already

by Stuart Heritage

Most people would regard being strapped into a three-ring gyroscope, hoisted 40ft into the air and left to listlessly spin around eight times a minute for a couple of days with no food or water in the freezing cold as a really rubbish way to pass the time.

Luckily, though, most people aren’t David Blaine. That’s a good thing in itself – imagine how annoying it’d be if everywhere you went people kept throwing playing cards through sheets of glass – but we’re straying slightly off-subject. Anyway, David Blaine has been going through that exact gyroscope scenario this week, which culminated last night in a dramatic David Blaine-style unshackling of some locks, a 40ft fall through a wooden stage and a quick hobble off to catch a taxi in time for tea. And David Blaine’s successful escape from his gyroscope stunt means that 100 poverty-stricken New York children now get to go on a shopping spree around Target, where they’ll each spend a special $500 gift voucher that’s been personally splattered with David Blaine’s very own motion sickness vomit.

Most people would regard being strapped into a three-ring gyroscope, hoisted 40ft into the air and left to listlessly spin around eight times a minute for a couple of days with no food or water in the freezing cold as a really rubbish way to pass the time. Luckily, though, most people aren't David Blaine. That's a good thing in itself - imagine how annoying it'd be if everywhere you went people kept throwing playing cards through sheets of glass - but we're straying slightly off-subject. Anyway, David Blaine has been going through that exact gyroscope scenario this week, which culminated last night in a dramatic David Blaine-style unshackling of some locks, a 40ft fall through a wooden stage and a quick hobble off to catch a taxi in time for tea. And David Blaine's successful escape from his gyroscope stunt means that 100 poverty-stricken New York children now get to go on a shopping spree around Target, where they'll each spend a special $500 gift voucher that's been personally splattered with David Blaine's very own motion sickness vomit.
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Heather Mills To Play Handicapped Desperate Housewife?

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray is a hugely successful blog. Why just yesterday our sources tell us that we popped up when Tony Danza did a google search on the word ‘graceful’.

And that kind of popularity feels nice too, it really does. Even so, we know we’ve got to plan for the inconceivable. We know we can’t always plan on advertisers throwing millions of dollars at us every month – that’s why we’ve got a back up plan. Heaven forbid, if readership ever dries up, we are totally moving to Hollywood to become a mega-successful action star.

All the smartest people have a backup plan. We’re told Bono was this close to opening a bakery just before The Joshua Tree hit. Should the need arise, we’ve heard Phylicia Rashad will fall back on butcher skills she learned in run-down trade school.

And rumour has it Heather Mills is shooting for a role on Desperate Housewives. Yup, everyone’s got a backup plan.

hecklerspray is a hugely successful blog. Why just yesterday our sources tell us that we popped up when Tony Danza did a google search on the word 'graceful'. And that kind of popularity feels nice too, it really does. Even so, we know we've got to plan for the inconceivable. We know we can't always plan on advertisers throwing millions of dollars at us every month - that's why we've got a back up plan. Heaven forbid, if readership ever dries up, we are totally moving to Hollywood to become a mega-successful action star. All the smartest people have a backup plan. We're told Bono was this close to opening a bakery just before The Joshua Tree hit. Should the need arise, we've heard Phylicia Rashad will fall back on butcher skills she learned in run-down trade school. And rumour has it Heather Mills is shooting for a role on Desperate Housewives. Yup, everyone's got a backup plan.
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Seal & Heidi Klum Push Out Another Baby

by Stuart Heritage

If you’re a bit strange you’ve probably been wondering whatever happened to Seal – the bald, facially-scarred singer who was famous for having two well-known songs a decade ago and then doing a song for the film about Porky Pig playing basketball.

Well Seal just hasn’t had time for you lately, Seal-fans. Why? Because he went and got married to supermodel Heidi Klum last year, that’s why. And it looks as of Heidi Klum has been keeping Seal busy – on Wednesday Heidi Klum gave birth to their second baby in just over a year. Why, if he keeps this terrific birthrate up, we’ll have to start referring to Seal as the new bald, black, facially-scarred Kevin Federline. Only, you know, with a slightly more successful musical career. Slightly.

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SLACKERJACK – Aquaball

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a little known fact that, if you laid all the Breakout clones in the world from end to end, your wife would probably be very upset at all the mess you made of the kitchen.

Aquaball is, yes, a Breakout clone. But Aquaball is a Breakout clone that rocks, because Aquaball is Breakout… underwater! OK, we realise that underwater Breakout sounds about as much fun as pushing pins through your eyelids, but you need to give Aquaball a whirl to find out all its secrets. As well as all the Breakout malarkey, Aquaball lets you unlock more weapons than we can remember, five minigames and a frightening Aquaball memory challenge that’s left us slightly worried that we might be suffering from the onset of Altzeimers. Aside from forcing us to ask serious questions about our cognitive deterioration, Aquaball is a blast.

Order Aquaball Now

Download Aquaball

It's a little known fact that, if you laid all the Breakout clones in the world from end to end, your wife would probably be very upset at all the mess you made of the kitchen. Aquaball is, yes, a Breakout clone. But Aquaball is a Breakout clone that rocks, because Aquaball is Breakout... underwater! OK, we realise that underwater Breakout sounds about as much fun as pushing pins through your eyelids, but you need to give Aquaball a whirl to find out all its secrets. As well as all the Breakout malarkey, Aquaball lets you unlock more weapons than we can remember, five minigames and a frightening Aquaball memory challenge that's left us slightly worried that we might be suffering from the onset of Altzeimers. Aside from forcing us to ask serious questions about our cognitive deterioration, Aquaball is a blast. Order Aquaball Now Download Aquaball
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Watch The Charlatans You’re So Pretty We’re So Pretty Video

by Stuart Heritage

Christmas. You can always tell its getting near Christmas in a couple of ways. Firstly a rubbish local ITV newsreaders comes and turns on the Christmas lights in your pikey little town, and secondly every band in the universe releases a Best Of album.

That’s never been truer than this week, when Oasis and U2 both pit their respective Best Ofs up against an almost illegally horrible Westlife album and The Beatles’ new gabba boom-selector mash-up album. This chart battle is dividing the opinions of people dumb enough to give a shit about stuff like this, so here’s something from a Best Of album that has nothing to do with any of that lot – it’s the video for You’re So Pretty We’re So Pretty by The Charlatans, from their Forever: The Singles album. This is a remix of You’re So Pretty We’re So Pretty, so if you like hearing songs that have been sped up and have had tinny dance drums bunged all over them, this’ll be right up your street. You’re So Pretty We’re So Pretty by The Charlatans also has an interesting video – if you’re a northern scally and you accidentally fall off a bridge, this is probably quite close to what you see when your life flashes before your eyes.

Watch The Charlatans You’re So Pretty We’re So Pretty video now

Christmas. You can always tell its getting near Christmas in a couple of ways. Firstly a rubbish local ITV newsreaders comes and turns on the Christmas lights in your pikey little town, and secondly every band in the universe releases a Best Of album. That's never been truer than this week, when Oasis and U2 both pit their respective Best Ofs up against an almost illegally horrible Westlife album and The Beatles' new gabba boom-selector mash-up album. This chart battle is dividing the opinions of people dumb enough to give a shit about stuff like this, so here's something from a Best Of album that has nothing to do with any of that lot - it's the video for You're So Pretty We're So Pretty by The Charlatans, from their Forever: The Singles album. This is a remix of You're So Pretty We're So Pretty, so if you like hearing songs that have been sped up and have had tinny dance drums bunged all over them, this'll be right up your street. You're So Pretty We're So Pretty by The Charlatans also has an interesting video - if you're a northern scally and you accidentally fall off a bridge, this is probably quite close to what you see when your life flashes before your eyes. Watch The Charlatans You're So Pretty We're So Pretty video now
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Disturbing Friday Fun: Will It Blend?

by C J Davies

Certain questions just need to be asked.

Is there intelligent life on planets other than our own? Will there ever, ever be a peaceful solution to the Middle-East crisis? Is it really possible to create a genuine utopia in which every human being is happy and fulfilled?

And exactly what would happen if you placed a sack of marbles into a household blender?

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Why Not Buy Syd Barrett’s Bread Bin?

by Stuart Heritage

Hey you! Yes, you! Do you get a kick out of buying mundane domestic household objects that used to belong to dead, drug-ravaged hippy singers? You are? Well today is your lucky day – you have the chance to buy Syd Barrett’s bread bin.

The family of dead Pink Floyd founder and big-haired, acid-wrecked posho visionary goon Syd Barrett have announced that they are to auction off many of his possessions next week, with some of the proceeds going to charity. And the Syd Barrett auction has apparently stoked up interest from around the world, with global Syd fans eager to snap up things that he owned before he died so that they can tell their friends “See that chest of drawers? That’s Syd Barrett’s chest of drawers. Yeah, I know.”

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