Right now the world is full of more horrible, complex conflicts than you can imagine. Finding decisive, people-pleasing solutions to these conflicts is a near-impossible task, but dear old Yoko Ono seems to have dreamt up her very own crackpot scheme.

You see, if there's any one singular figure who can instantly stop the world from tearing itself apart, it's John Lennon. And Yoko Ono knows this more than anyone - so she's decided to take a full-page advert out in the New York Times to try and coerce the world into initiating an annual John Lennon day; in which all the world's armies, militias and terrorists will lay down their weapons for 24 hours, sing a few verses of Woman Is The Nigger Of The World and take a lot of heroin, safe in the knowledge that they're making a tiny 73-year-old Japanese woman very happy.

Science has proved that if you ask 100 people want they want to see in a film, around 87 of them will answer "tap-dancing penguins, the voice of Frodo out of Lord Of The Rings and a subtle moral about over-fishing the world's oceans."

And, what do you know, that's exactly what Happy Feet offers. Happy Feet is enjoying its second week at the top of the US weekend box office, beating all before it, whether it's Casino Royale, a lot of ridiculous crap about a time-travelling policeman or a Darren Aronofsky meditation on the compulsive pan-generational human quest for eternal life. Silly old Aronofsky - what he should have done was filled The Fountain with all sorts of animated penguins performing vigorous dance routines to disco hits sung by the girl from Little Black Book, and then maybe more than six people would have gone to see it.

Remember last week when Michael Richards phoned both Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologise for screaming racial slurs during a stand-up set and, although Sharpton spoke out against Richards, Jesse Jackson stayed quiet on the matter?

Remember thinking that that didn't really sound like something that Jesse Jackson would do? Well it wasn't - and yesterday Michael Richards was the invited guest on Jesse Jackson's radio show. Weirdly enough, Michael Richards kept the jokes about sticking forks up black people's rectums to a minimum, instead telling everyone that he was "shattered" by the racist words that came streaming out of his mouth. Michael Richards made the appearance as part of his 'if I go on about it for long enough then maybe everyone will get bored and go away' apology tour.

Some of the online games we've featured latey... well, they've been a bit girly haven't they? Training puppies, joining up coloured gemstones. Well arses to that - we want to fight with tanks!

You see that man? Go on, take him all in. That's Chris Laverty, that is, and he's one of us. Well, at least he's one of us for now - there's quite the chance he'll eff off and work for Empire before too long.

Anyone who reads Empire magazine - and really, if you don't you're missing out on a treat -

Those Royals, eh?

They're a good-hearted bunch. Take the Queen Mother, for instance. She was a friend to everyone. Apart from a dentist, obviously.

But that doesn't matter. Because, right, even a 'special' four-year-old would be able to tell you that Old Liz pales into insignificance when compared with Official Daily Mail Bestest Lady Ever Princess Diana. And that what the world needs more than anything is a chance to remember her.

Oh - apart from those two months in 1997 when every Middle England dullard started waving their flags and babbling utter shite about "the queen of hearts." No - another chance.

Something like a nice big pop concert.

You know what the best thing about the internet is?

Better even than taking part in that Second Life virtual world game, riding around on a big virtual motorbike and talking to virtual ladies in a sexy virtual voice? And then realising you've wasted roughly six hours of your life doing exactly that? And crying? And crying? And crying?

It's hecklerspray's Celebrity Haiku Competition, that's what: a concept so good that - the day we invented it - we damn near killed ourselves in sheer giddy excitement.

This week we're analysing the frankly horrific prospect - following in the tracks of the Take That get-together - of a Spice Girls reformation. But first let's take a cheeky peek at last week's winner.

Some things you just don't do. For instance, we've learnt that screaming insults into your mobile phone midway through the funeral of an elderly relative is generally frowned upon; and on Saturday, X Factor's Eton Road learnt another valuable lesson.

And what a lesson it was - it was the lesson that goes 'In the vital final stages of a national televised singing competition, whatever you do don't sing a song about two lions humping each.' On Saturday's X Factor, Eton Road got the boot because they sang a horrible wobbly off-key version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight from The Lion King, with our old friend the Botoxy Eunuch gasping and wheezing his lines like he was suddenly being struck down by a particularly severe bout of Angina. But don't worry, because Louis Walsh has offered Eton Road a record contract - so this is just the first chapter of their story. We're looking forward to seeing the remaining chapters of the Eton Road story, which will include a number 37 hit single, a desperate last-gasp appearance on some tawdry reality TV show and then a lifetime of all-consuming bitterness.

But now that Eton Road are out of X Factor, are we any closer to discovering who'll win? Will Ray Quinn win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn...