From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Awesome Or Off-Putting: East Indian Baby Worshipped

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Strange Facts/Religion

Many parents only hope to give birth to a future doctor, legal judge, or much-acclaimed movie director. The more unabashed baby-makers may even think their loin-juice good enough to create a future president, czar or dictator. And then there’s the occasional couple that are lucky enough to give birth to a multi-armed Goddess of Indian folklore, which when born is instantly worshipped by throngs of money-leaving zealots.

That last one – it’s rare, but it just happened.

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Britney Spears & Paris Hilton Go Out Dressed Like Morons

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a scene you’ve all witnessed at any number of small-town nightclubs – divorced females making too much of an effort to show that they’re still sexually attractive and ending up looking a billion times more desperate than anyone could think possible.

Following her recent split from Kevin Federline, that’s a situation that Britney Spears could have well found herself in, were it not for the steadying help and support of a small circle of close-knit sensible friends, who are urging Britney Spears to be the one who comes out of the divorce with a modicum of dignity. Wait, what? Britney Spears is hanging out with who? Oh Jesus…

Chances are that you’ll have all seen pictures of Britney and new best friend Paris Hilton tottering around half-falling out of their ridiculous little dresses by now. We didn’t even know that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were friends. Perhaps they bonded over their one common interest – their love of having sex on video a lot.

It's a scene you've all witnessed at any number of small-town nightclubs - divorced females making too much of an effort to show that they're still sexually attractive and ending up looking a billion times more desperate than anyone could think possible. Following her recent split from Kevin Federline, that's a situation that Britney Spears could have well found herself in, were it not for the steadying help and support of a small circle of close-knit sensible friends, who are urging Britney Spears to be the one who comes out of the divorce with a modicum of dignity. Wait, what? Britney Spears is hanging out with who? Oh Jesus... Chances are that you'll have all seen pictures of Britney and new best friend Paris Hilton tottering around half-falling out of their ridiculous little dresses by now. We didn't even know that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were friends. Perhaps they bonded over their one common interest - their love of having sex on video a lot.
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Yoko Ono: Let’s Have A John Lennon Day

by Stuart Heritage

Right now the world is full of more horrible, complex conflicts than you can imagine. Finding decisive, people-pleasing solutions to these conflicts is a near-impossible task, but dear old Yoko Ono seems to have dreamt up her very own crackpot scheme.

You see, if there’s any one singular figure who can instantly stop the world from tearing itself apart, it’s John Lennon. And Yoko Ono knows this more than anyone – so she’s decided to take a full-page advert out in the New York Times to try and coerce the world into initiating an annual John Lennon day; in which all the world’s armies, militias and terrorists will lay down their weapons for 24 hours, sing a few verses of Woman Is The Nigger Of The World and take a lot of heroin, safe in the knowledge that they’re making a tiny 73-year-old Japanese woman very happy.

Right now the world is full of more horrible, complex conflicts than you can imagine. Finding decisive, people-pleasing solutions to these conflicts is a near-impossible task, but dear old Yoko Ono seems to have dreamt up her very own crackpot scheme. You see, if there's any one singular figure who can instantly stop the world from tearing itself apart, it's John Lennon. And Yoko Ono knows this more than anyone - so she's decided to take a full-page advert out in the New York Times to try and coerce the world into initiating an annual John Lennon day; in which all the world's armies, militias and terrorists will lay down their weapons for 24 hours, sing a few verses of Woman Is The Nigger Of The World and take a lot of heroin, safe in the knowledge that they're making a tiny 73-year-old Japanese woman very happy.
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Happy Feet Still Better Than 007 At US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Science has proved that if you ask 100 people want they want to see in a film, around 87 of them will answer “tap-dancing penguins, the voice of Frodo out of Lord Of The Rings and a subtle moral about over-fishing the world’s oceans.”

And, what do you know, that’s exactly what Happy Feet offers. Happy Feet is enjoying its second week at the top of the US weekend box office, beating all before it, whether it’s Casino Royale, a lot of ridiculous crap about a time-travelling policeman or a Darren Aronofsky meditation on the compulsive pan-generational human quest for eternal life. Silly old Aronofsky – what he should have done was filled The Fountain with all sorts of animated penguins performing vigorous dance routines to disco hits sung by the girl from Little Black Book, and then maybe more than six people would have gone to see it.

Science has proved that if you ask 100 people want they want to see in a film, around 87 of them will answer "tap-dancing penguins, the voice of Frodo out of Lord Of The Rings and a subtle moral about over-fishing the world's oceans." And, what do you know, that's exactly what Happy Feet offers. Happy Feet is enjoying its second week at the top of the US weekend box office, beating all before it, whether it's Casino Royale, a lot of ridiculous crap about a time-travelling policeman or a Darren Aronofsky meditation on the compulsive pan-generational human quest for eternal life. Silly old Aronofsky - what he should have done was filled The Fountain with all sorts of animated penguins performing vigorous dance routines to disco hits sung by the girl from Little Black Book, and then maybe more than six people would have gone to see it.
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Michael Richards ‘Shattered’ About Being Such A Titting Racist

by Stuart Heritage

Remember last week when Michael Richards phoned both Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologise for screaming racial slurs during a stand-up set and, although Sharpton spoke out against Richards, Jesse Jackson stayed quiet on the matter?

Remember thinking that that didn’t really sound like something that Jesse Jackson would do? Well it wasn’t – and yesterday Michael Richards was the invited guest on Jesse Jackson’s radio show. Weirdly enough, Michael Richards kept the jokes about sticking forks up black people’s rectums to a minimum, instead telling everyone that he was “shattered” by the racist words that came streaming out of his mouth. Michael Richards made the appearance as part of his ‘if I go on about it for long enough then maybe everyone will get bored and go away’ apology tour.

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SLACKERJACK – Tank-O-Box

by Stuart Heritage

Some of the online games we’ve featured latey… well, they’ve been a bit girly haven’t they? Training puppies, joining up coloured gemstones. Well arses to that – we want to fight with tanks!

Tanks, you see, rule. And since Tank-O-Box is a beautiful, fast-paced destructo-rampage of an online game, we’re inclined to assume that if effing well rules too. The aim of Tank-O-Box is to defend your tank HQ from all kinds of irritating invaders in a massive bloody tank. And it’s awesome – as well as being eye candy of the highest degree, Tank-O-Box is smart, too. You have to use the 55 different landscapes to try and get the advantage over your opponents. It’s all about positioning, power-ups, timing and – oh, go on then – exploding the living turds out of everything you can see. Strap yourselves in, people – Tank-O-Box is a sodding blast.

Order Tank-O-Box Now

Download Tank-O-Box

Some of the online games we've featured latey... well, they've been a bit girly haven't they? Training puppies, joining up coloured gemstones. Well arses to that - we want to fight with tanks! Tanks, you see, rule. And since Tank-O-Box is a beautiful, fast-paced destructo-rampage of an online game, we're inclined to assume that if effing well rules too. The aim of Tank-O-Box is to defend your tank HQ from all kinds of irritating invaders in a massive bloody tank. And it's awesome - as well as being eye candy of the highest degree, Tank-O-Box is smart, too. You have to use the 55 different landscapes to try and get the advantage over your opponents. It's all about positioning, power-ups, timing and - oh, go on then - exploding the living turds out of everything you can see. Strap yourselves in, people - Tank-O-Box is a sodding blast. Order Tank-O-Box Now Download Tank-O-Box
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Please Go And Vote For Chris Laverty A Bunch Of Times

by Stuart Heritage

You see that man? Go on, take him all in. That’s Chris Laverty, that is, and he’s one of us. Well, at least he’s one of us for now – there’s quite the chance he’ll eff off and work for Empire before too long.

Anyone who reads Empire magazine – and really, if you don’t you’re missing out on a treat – will be aware of the Empire Thunderdome competition, where a group of aspiring film writers take part in various film-writery tasks and get slowly whittled down to one eventual winner. Yeah, just like X Factor – only without Kate Thornton squinting at an autocue like your granny trying to read a big print Mills & Boon novel in the dark. Anyway, our very own Chris Laverty – he of the wonderful weekly Creased Or Folded feature – is in the final ten of Empire Thunderdome, and boy oh boy does he ever need your help.

If you’ve read the new issue of Empire, you’ll have read the fruits of Thunderdomers’ first task – a review of their favourite film from 1999. We’re not going to spoil the surprise too much by telling you what film Chris wrote about, but suffice to say his review is brilliant and the reviews of the other nine slow-witted Thunderdome hopefuls – who all look a bit odd and probably smell – are crap. He’s even given himself the nickname The Heckler, too, as a mark of respect to the website that literally gave birth to him. What a bloody marvel.

Tomorrow you’ll get to read the first of hopefully many Chris Laverty Empire Thunderdome Diaries, but for now we need you to visit the Empire Thunderdome page and click Vote Chris as many times as you can. If you do this, Chris will cruise through to next month’s task and on to eventual Empire Thunderdome victory, you’ll get the satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped a good writer with his career and we get to stop answering our phone in the voice of a confused Mexican on the off-chance that it’s Laverty asking for money. Everyone’s a winner.

Got that? Vote Chris. Vote Chris. Vote. Chris. Chris. OK?

Vote for Chris at the Empire Thunderdome page now

You see that man? Go on, take him all in. That's Chris Laverty, that is, and he's one of us. Well, at least he's one of us for now - there's quite the chance he'll eff off and work for Empire before too long. Anyone who reads Empire magazine - and really, if you don't you're missing out on a treat - will be aware of the Empire Thunderdome competition, where a group of aspiring film writers take part in various film-writery tasks and get slowly whittled down to one eventual winner. Yeah, just like X Factor - only without Kate Thornton squinting at an autocue like your granny trying to read a big print Mills & Boon novel in the dark. Anyway, our very own Chris Laverty - he of the wonderful weekly Creased Or Folded feature - is in the final ten of Empire Thunderdome, and boy oh boy does he ever need your help. If you've read the new issue of Empire, you'll have read the fruits of Thunderdomers' first task - a review of their favourite film from 1999. We're not going to spoil the surprise too much by telling you what film Chris wrote about, but suffice to say his review is brilliant and the reviews of the other nine slow-witted Thunderdome hopefuls - who all look a bit odd and probably smell - are crap. He's even given himself the nickname The Heckler, too, as a mark of respect to the website that literally gave birth to him. What a bloody marvel. Tomorrow you'll get to read the first of hopefully many Chris Laverty Empire Thunderdome Diaries, but for now we need you to visit the Empire Thunderdome page and click Vote Chris as many times as you can. If you do this, Chris will cruise through to next month's task and on to eventual Empire Thunderdome victory, you'll get the satisfaction of knowing you've helped a good writer with his career and we get to stop answering our phone in the voice of a confused Mexican on the off-chance that it's Laverty asking for money. Everyone's a winner. Got that? Vote Chris. Vote Chris. Vote. Chris. Chris. OK? Vote for Chris at the Empire Thunderdome page now
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Godawful Princess Diana Tribute Concert Announced

by C J Davies

Those Royals, eh?

They’re a good-hearted bunch. Take the Queen Mother, for instance. She was a friend to everyone. Apart from a dentist, obviously.

But that doesn’t matter. Because, right, even a ‘special’ four-year-old would be able to tell you that Old Liz pales into insignificance when compared with Official Daily Mail Bestest Lady Ever Princess Diana. And that what the world needs more than anything is a chance to remember her.

Oh – apart from those two months in 1997 when every Middle England dullard started waving their flags and babbling utter shite about “the queen of hearts.” No – another chance.

Something like a nice big pop concert.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Spice Girls Reunion

by C J Davies

You know what the best thing about the internet is?

Better even than taking part in that Second Life virtual world game, riding around on a big virtual motorbike and talking to virtual ladies in a sexy virtual voice? And then realising you’ve wasted roughly six hours of your life doing exactly that? And crying? And crying? And crying?

It’s hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition, that’s what: a concept so good that – the day we invented it – we damn near killed ourselves in sheer giddy excitement.

This week we’re analysing the frankly horrific prospect – following in the tracks of the Take That get-together – of a Spice Girls reformation. But first let’s take a cheeky peek at last week’s winner.

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X Factor Betting Odds: Eton Road Out, Ray Next?

by Stuart Heritage

Some things you just don’t do. For instance, we’ve learnt that screaming insults into your mobile phone midway through the funeral of an elderly relative is generally frowned upon; and on Saturday, X Factor’s Eton Road learnt another valuable lesson.

And what a lesson it was – it was the lesson that goes ‘In the vital final stages of a national televised singing competition, whatever you do don’t sing a song about two lions humping each.’ On Saturday’s X Factor, Eton Road got the boot because they sang a horrible wobbly off-key version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight from The Lion King, with our old friend the Botoxy Eunuch gasping and wheezing his lines like he was suddenly being struck down by a particularly severe bout of Angina. But don’t worry, because Louis Walsh has offered Eton Road a record contract – so this is just the first chapter of their story. We’re looking forward to seeing the remaining chapters of the Eton Road story, which will include a number 37 hit single, a desperate last-gasp appearance on some tawdry reality TV show and then a lifetime of all-consuming bitterness.

But now that Eton Road are out of X Factor, are we any closer to discovering who’ll win? Will Ray Quinn win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn…

Some things you just don't do. For instance, we've learnt that screaming insults into your mobile phone midway through the funeral of an elderly relative is generally frowned upon; and on Saturday, X Factor's Eton Road learnt another valuable lesson. And what a lesson it was - it was the lesson that goes 'In the vital final stages of a national televised singing competition, whatever you do don't sing a song about two lions humping each.' On Saturday's X Factor, Eton Road got the boot because they sang a horrible wobbly off-key version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight from The Lion King, with our old friend the Botoxy Eunuch gasping and wheezing his lines like he was suddenly being struck down by a particularly severe bout of Angina. But don't worry, because Louis Walsh has offered Eton Road a record contract - so this is just the first chapter of their story. We're looking forward to seeing the remaining chapters of the Eton Road story, which will include a number 37 hit single, a desperate last-gasp appearance on some tawdry reality TV show and then a lifetime of all-consuming bitterness. But now that Eton Road are out of X Factor, are we any closer to discovering who'll win? Will Ray Quinn win X Factor? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn...
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