Posts from November, 2006

Make way for another one!

Pamela Anderson Lee Rock Anderson Lee Anderson Rock Rock wants to revert back to being just Pamela Anderson Lee Lee Anderson Lee. Notice if you will, the shocking lack of 'Rock's included in her new last name. And don't notice, if you will, that the inclusion of all the 'Lee's in her second choice of last names kind of kills the semi-funny missing Rock joke.

Don't feel bad for Kid Rock though - aw hell no! Kid Rock's a champion, and he was sho' 'nuff just about to ask for his last name back anyhow! That's right, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing faster than a hung-over Vegas-ite. Last names are gonna switch around or something, and custody of the kids they raised together for almost four months may get sticky, even though one or the other doesn't really want custody of the kids for total lack of blood-relation.

It's just what we heard.

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When we first happened across Bomb It, we weren't going to Slackerjack it. Bomb It's just a Bomberman clone, we thought, and what's the point of Slackerjacking a boring old Bomberman clone?

Then we played Bomb It. For an hour and a half. Then forgot about it. Then played Bomb It again a couple of days later. For two hours. And then we decided that we were so mercilessly addicted to Bomb It that we couldn't possibly not Slackerjack it and live with ourselves for denying you the same joy as we had experienced. Yes, Bomb It is a Bomberman clone, but to dismiss it as such would be to forget two vital facts: 1) Bomberman is easily the best videogame that's ever been made and 2) Playing Bomb It will be the most fun you're going to have all week. Bomb It has one of those ultra-sincere cutesy North-East Asian soundtracks, graphics that are cuter than a kitten in a shoe, a multiplayer option, gameplay that will make your brain explode and power-ups. Oh, the Bomb It power-ups. hecklerspray thinks it can defeat any of you at Bomb It, but give hecklerspray the Bomb It power-up shaped like a glove and we'll embarrass you so much at Bomb It that your mother will disown you. We'd love to write more here, but we're going to go and play Bomb It for the rest of the day.

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Remember yesterday we told you that our very own Chris Laverty had made it into the final ten of the Empire Thunderdome film writers contest and that you should go and vote for him a whole load of times?

Good. We're glad that you do. But we know you're essentially very lazy people, so we've following up our plea with something a bit special. That's right - in a transparent attempt to get you to vote for him, young Mr Bigshot Film Magazine Writer Chris Laverty has put together part one of the hopefully long-running Empire Thunderdome Diaries, where he'll share the laughter, the tears and the frustration that comes from writing about films you like to go and see. Ready? Then read on… 

Empire Thunderdome – hecklerspray is in, folks!

If you buy a copy of this month’s Empire magazine (which you should, as it has really hit its stride again), then you will find me in there, Chris Laverty – Thunderdome finalist.

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As X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and I Can Vaguely Be Perceived As Being Slightly More Famous Than You In Some Circumstances Get Me Out Of Here rattle to an end, thoughts naturally turn to next year's Big Brother.

And next year's Big Brother is going to be a whole lot different to any series of Big Brother you've seen so far. Although the basic structure of Big Brother will remain - a handful of grasping, self-serving, woefully inadequate dickwads will all live in a garish house for three months, bursting into tears and having petty squabbles every six seconds oblivious to the fact that in the outside world every human being they've ever had the smallest amount of feelings for has sold a tawdry kiss and tell story to a Sunday newspaper about them - but next year's Big Brother final won't be live any more. Why? Because screeching nobsack Nikki from this year's Big Brother said "I'm fucking shitting it" during this year's final and it made two people sad. 

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We're coming to regard the discovery of each week's dull-witted X Factor theme as the one solid gold highlight of our weekends. Having dispatched Love Songs and Number Ones in the last fortnight, X Factor unveiled its biggest gun yet.

That's right - the theme for Saturday's X Factor was Songs From The Movies. And which film-soundtracking genius did X Factor rope into being the special musical guest? John Williams? Ennio Morricone? Kenny Loggins, even? No - the special musical guests for Saturday's film-themed X Factor were Il Divo, who presumably contributed to the soundtrack of the movie Who The Hell Are These Clueless Fucktards? Our breath is literally baited to see what guff-headed theme the X Factor team manage to pull out of the bag next week. Literally.

But who'll win X Factor this year? Here are the X Factor betting odds for The MacDonald Brothers and Ben Mills…

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The Passion Of The Christ was an unexpected cinematic sensation, as all kinds of Christians poured out of the woodwork to see a film a film about Jesus getting his head kicked in by a bunch of people speaking a language nobody understands.

So it was only going to be a matter of time before other religious movies started getting made. Since Mel Gibson already called shotgun on The One Where Jesus Bites It, that left The One Where Jesus Comes Back To Life, Kisses A Prostitute On The Lips And Goes Up To Heaven On A Cloud and The One Where Jesus Is Born. Unsurprisingly New Line thought that the second one would probably make for a more family-friendly movie and so went and made The Nativity Story, a movie about Jesus being born that got its world premiere yesterday at the Vatican, at a screening attended by The Pope's second in command. The Pope would have gone, but he's really much more of a Face/Off kinda guy.

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Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Strange Facts/Religion

Many parents only hope to give birth to a future doctor, legal judge, or much-acclaimed movie director. The more unabashed baby-makers may even think their loin-juice good enough to create a future president, tsar or dictator. And then there's the occasional couple that are lucky enough to give birth to a multi-armed Goddess of Indian folklore, which when born is instantly worshipped by throngs of money-leaving zealots.

That last one - it's rare, but it just happened.

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It's a scene you've all witnessed at any number of small-town nightclubs - divorced females making too much of an effort to show that they're still sexually attractive and ending up looking a billion times more desperate than anyone could think possible.

Following her recent split from Kevin Federline, that's a situation that Britney Spears could have well found herself in, were it not for the steadying help and support of a small circle of close-knit sensible friends, who are urging Britney Spears to be the one who comes out of the divorce with a modicum of dignity. Wait, what? Britney Spears is hanging out with who? Oh Jesus…

Chances are that you'll have all seen pictures of Britney and new best friend Paris Hilton tottering around half-falling out of their ridiculous little dresses by now. We didn't even know that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were friends. Perhaps they bonded over their one common interest - their love of having sex on video a lot.

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Right now the world is full of more horrible, complex conflicts than you can imagine. Finding decisive, people-pleasing solutions to these conflicts is a near-impossible task, but dear old Yoko Ono seems to have dreamt up her very own crackpot scheme.

You see, if there's any one singular figure who can instantly stop the world from tearing itself apart, it's John Lennon. And Yoko Ono knows this more than anyone - so she's decided to take a full-page advert out in the New York Times to try and coerce the world into initiating an annual John Lennon day; in which all the world's armies, militias and terrorists will lay down their weapons for 24 hours, sing a few verses of Woman Is The Nigger Of The World and take a lot of heroin, safe in the knowledge that they're making a tiny 73-year-old Japanese woman very happy.

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Science has proved that if you ask 100 people want they want to see in a film, around 87 of them will answer "tap-dancing penguins, the voice of Frodo out of Lord Of The Rings and a subtle moral about over-fishing the world's oceans."

And, what do you know, that's exactly what Happy Feet offers. Happy Feet is enjoying its second week at the top of the US weekend box office, beating all before it, whether it's Casino Royale, a lot of ridiculous crap about a time-travelling policeman or a Darren Aronofsky meditation on the compulsive pan-generational human quest for eternal life. Silly old Aronofsky - what he should have done was filled The Fountain with all sorts of animated penguins performing vigorous dance routines to disco hits sung by the girl from Little Black Book, and then maybe more than six people would have gone to see it.

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Remember last week when Michael Richards phoned both Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to apologise for screaming racial slurs during a stand-up set and, although Sharpton spoke out against Richards, Jesse Jackson stayed quiet on the matter?

Remember thinking that that didn't really sound like something that Jesse Jackson would do? Well it wasn't - and yesterday Michael Richards was the invited guest on Jesse Jackson's radio show. Weirdly enough, Michael Richards kept the jokes about sticking forks up black people's rectums to a minimum, instead telling everyone that he was "shattered" by the racist words that came streaming out of his mouth. Michael Richards made the appearance as part of his 'if I go on about it for long enough then maybe everyone will get bored and go away' apology tour.

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Some of the online games we've featured latey… well, they've been a bit girly haven't they? Training puppies, joining up coloured gemstones. Well arses to that - we want to fight with tanks!

Tanks, you see, rule. And since Tank-O-Box is a beautiful, fast-paced destructo-rampage of an online game, we're inclined to assume that if effing well rules too. The aim of Tank-O-Box is to defend your tank HQ from all kinds of irritating invaders in a massive bloody tank. And it's awesome - as well as being eye candy of the highest degree, Tank-O-Box is smart, too. You have to use the 55 different landscapes to try and get the advantage over your opponents. It's all about positioning, power-ups, timing and - oh, go on then - exploding the living turds out of everything you can see. Strap yourselves in, people - Tank-O-Box is a sodding blast.

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