Family Feud is what Americans call Family Fortunes,

Remember when ITV first launched that Quizmania programme, and how it seemed like the greatest (albeit sleep-depriving) entertainment feast that had ever splashed across your glowing telly box?

And then do you remember how every other TV channel in the world decided to launch their own alternative - with names like Quiz Call or Quizzy-Quiz Ring Ring or Phone Our Quiz Immediately, You Utter Fucking Plebs - and the whole concept instantly became as tedious and unexciting as a Babyshambles CD?

We do. And we're angry about it.

Luckily, however - in the most incidental way possible - it seems that we're not alone. Other people have been getting mightily annoyed about the Quiz TV phenomenon... especially the face that each and every 'competition' phone call is:

a) roughly as expensive as a Gold-And-Moondust Pie, and

b) about as likely to 'win' - or even 'be answered' - as Gary Glitter knocking on the door of his local primary school.

We're getting to the point of X Factor where all the awful acts have gone, and only the very best remain. Only that's not the case at all - so long as Ray and The MacDonald Brothers stay in X Factor, it'll still have its share of joke performers.

And the joke acts seem to be slowly edging out the decent X Factor performers, which is even more bewildering. Take Ben Mills for example - yes he looks like he'd be a horrible tosser to know, but at least he can sort of sing a bit. On Saturday Ben was in the final two of X Factor. And Ray wasn't. That would usually be enough for us to go searching our noose cupboard for the best fit, were it not for the continued success of Leona Lewis, who is as boring as an envelope encyclopedia but can also sort of sing a bit. Leona's going to win X Factor. Surely. Right?

Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis...

Just because her cowboy husband has wound up in rehab, it doesn't mean that Nicole Kidman's biological clock has quietened down any - in fact you can probably hear it tick-tocking away now if you hush up and concentrate hard enough.

Adding weight to all the speculation that Nicole Kidman is in fact completely pregnant with Keith Urban's baby, Nicole Kidman has waded in with a set of choice comments about how she wants to go and live on a desert island with her giant family instead of making films forever. It looks like Nicole Kidman's got her future pretty much sewn up; and let's hope that all the children  of this union will be blessed with Nicole's near-transparent skin and Keith's predilection for getting wankered on booze as often as humanly possible.

Over the last eight years, Austin indie noiseniks ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead have consistently released some of the most gut-punchingly heavy indie these ears have ever heard, and they show no sign of letting up.

...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead's last album World's Apart was picked by one hecklerspray scribe as being the best CD of 2005, and the band's new album So Divided has already been described as "the finest piece of rock n' roll you're likely to hear from the cradle to the grave."By us. And how did ...And You Will Know us By The Trail Of Dead choose to reciprocate all this feeling for them? By sending band member Conrad Keely over to answer some questions about the potential danger of flying albinos, that's how...

The Eagles Of Death Metal are The Darkness that it's OK to like, mostly because their singer doesn't have a face like a badger's testicle and their songs aren't all about how funny genitals are - but try telling that to Guns N' Roses.

Right now Guns N' Roses are on a three-week tour of America, where they'll try and convince a number of people that they exist before they release that album of theirs that's been put off forever. When the tour was announced, The Eagles Of Death Metal were down as the band's support act - a set-up that only lasted for one show and ended with an arena full of confused, possibly heavily mulleted rednecks and a fairly narked Axl Rose calling the band The Pigeons Of Shit Metal. Clever boy, our Axl.

The Rolling Stones have a collective age of around one million years, but while most old folks are content to watch Sudo-Q before having a lovely dip in their walk-in bath, The Rolling Stones prefer to spend their time making shedloads of tour money.

Billboard magazine has named The Rolling Stones' A Bigger Bang world tour as the highest-grossing tour in history, earning $437 million so far. Now the big question is what the Rolling Stones will spend all that tour money on - we're guessing it'll all be handed over to a crack team of Swiss scientists who'll can transplant the elderly Rolling Stones brains into special musical robots with saggy latex faces which can go out on tour for them next time, leaving the band to get up to more age-appropriate activities like putting the TV on full volume, forgetting the names of their relatives and occasionally wetting themselves.

Sometimes we wish we we were part of the LA celebutante scene, but we've never had a failed recording contract or a doltish reality TV show and we've never sucked off a man on tape, so we're not sure of where we'd stand in the general hierarchy.

But, oh, if we were in the close-knit circle of pointless, vapid, responsibility-free, lazy-eyed Los Angeles celebutantes, then we'd know exactly what was going on between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton at the moment. And we'd probably also have better tits. Anyway, according to reports, Lindsay Lohan is claiming that Britney Spears' new best friend Paris Hilton hit her at a party. Or perhaps she didn't. Regardless of what exactly happened between Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears at the weekend, we're sure that a good old-fashioned mud-wrestle will go at least some way to repairing whatever damage has been caused so far.