Article Archive for November 2006
In life, you don't always get want you want. Sometimes people get jobs over you just because they went to school or already know how to fly a plane or didn't accidentally drop a baby in a swimming pool, and it isn't fair.
And even in the online world you can't always get what you want. Unless you want porn or dodgy self-diagnosis ...
Boy, have we got a special treat for you.
As well as providing you with our regular Celebrity Haiku Competition - officially the only reason to go anywhere near a computer on a Monday - we're delighted to announce the subject we're covering this week: one that may or may not (depending on your level of perversity) provide you with enough 'mental filofax' material to see out the entire winter.
You know that TASTY little Katie Melua bird, right? PHWOAR, eh? She's a BIT OF ALRIGHT and no mistake! Well, hecklerspray was talking to our News Of The World-reading mates (Gaz, Daz and Baz; all respected employees of Plebeian Cowboy Tiling Ltd) and they only went and told us that she's a bloody LEZZA!
Allegedly.
Ah the old X Factor shock result, how we missed you. Not since Maria Lawson was slung off X Factor before her time last year has there been an elimination more hotly disputed than when Ashley McKenzie was voted out on Saturday.
Possibly because of his weird compulsion to mime each word of the lyrics to The Winner Takes It All like a See Hear reporter with an afro, or possibly as a result of the mental "You're gay," "No, YOU'RE gay" spat between Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh all through Saturday's X Factor, or even possibly because Kate Thornton can't seem to be able to remember that she's meant to be an impartial voice as a host, Ashley McKenzie lost the X Factor sing-off over the weekend and won't been seen on X Factor ever again until the compulsory X Factor tour next year when thousands of spectators will simultaneously mumble "Ashley Who? Oh, the kid with the giant hair," when his name gets announced.
But now that Ashley McKenzie has been voted off X Factor, which remaining contestant will go on to win the show? Here's part one of this week's X Factor betting odds, for The MacDonald Brothers, Nikitta Angus and Robert Allen...
When you woke this morning, what was the first thing you did? You got a gun, right?
Folded:
Ben Affleck: Mark 2 (soon to be a whole ‘nother kind of Superman. Watch your back, Matt…) Homemade cake (if you haven’t tried any recently, get somebody to make you one. If you don’t have anybody, perhaps substitute the word ‘cake’ for 'sex-toy’ instead) Ads for ...
Remember a few years ago when The Charlatans were known as 'everyone's fourth-favourite band'? That's a title The Charlatans must wish they still had - two underperforming albums on the trot and they're a band that're down on their uppers.
And that's why The Charlatans have opened The Big Book Of Get Out Of Jail Cards For Indie Bands at page one and followed its most important instruction: when in doubt, chuck out a Greatest Hits in time for Christmas. And that's how The Charlatans got to Forever - The Singles; their way to wipe the slate clean and to remind everyone what a great band The Charlatans are. Were. Are. Were. Are? Were? Were.
You're not allowed to take anything onto aeroplanes these days, are you? Not hair gel, not make-up, not contact lens solution and - as Snoop Dogg is finding out - not collapsible 21-inch police batons. It's political correctness gone mad.
After it spent ages deliberating whether or not a collapsible 21-inch police baton constituted a lethal weapon, the Orange County police force has now decided that, yes, a collapsible 21-inch police baton probably was quite a dangerous thing for Snoop Dogg to try and take onto a plane and have issued an arrest warrant for Snoop Dogg. If he's found guilty Snoop Dogg faces up to three years in jail, meaning that he'd miss out on approximately six hundred million billion jillion lucrative spots guest-rapping on other people's records, if he was to keep up his current rate.
Hype's a bastard sometimes - you can never live up to it. Pretty much everything we've ever looked forward to has disappointed us; Be Here Now, The Phantom Menace, any international football competition that England takes part in.
A year ago we were sent a painfully hip compilation album that sounded as if it was entirely created by a squad of self-regarding Nathan Barleys who somehow managed to turn on the 'electroclash' preset button on their Bontempi synthesisers despite their heads being firmly lodged up their arseholes - except one song; Giddy Stratospheres by The Long Blondes. Since then we've been anticipating the debut album by The Long Blondes with a sort of terrified excitement; obviously we wanted to hear more but surely - surely - they wouldn't be able to live up to the hype or be able to reach the same heights as Giddy Stratospheres. Well, Someone To Drive You Home - the long-awaited album by The Long Blondes is out on Monday and it's full of songs that blow Giddy Stratospheres clean out of the water. Excited yet?
MTV isn't just an American institution, as it shows by regularly hosting global awards shows like last night's MTV Europe awards so that American stars can experience what winning awards in colder countries where people speak funny feels like.
Needless to say, last night's MTV Europe awards held in Copenhagen didn't deviate from this blueprint one jot. Most American acts who turned up were rewarded with some kind of prize, like Justin Timberlake who scooped the Best Male and Best Pop Act awards and The Red Hot Chili Peppers who won the Best Album That Most People Have Only Really Listened To Once If That award. In fact, at one point when a non-American won an MTV Europe award instead of an American, said American actually clambered up on stage and got his knickers in a twist about it in front of everyone.
