Article Archive for November 2006
A couple of weeks ago, hecklerspray had a chat with the medium who lives down the hall. She told us that she'd been channelling the spectre of George Orwell, who had tearfully informed her that - had he known what sort of context his Big Brother creation would take on in the early years of the 21st century - he'd have flung the manuscript into Wigan Pier and run away screaming.
And now? Now the Big Brother francise has only gone and crossed dimensions. Kind of.
We're getting dangerously close to the halfway point of X Factor 2006, and everything is going to plan - some rubbish acts have been voted off X Factor, but there's still a whole lot more to plough through before the final.
Not that the acts in the X Factor final are going to surprise anyone; unless all of Scotland rises up to let the MacDonald Brothers and Nikitta Angus take part in what would easily the least believable X Factor final ever, the final is clearly going to be between Leona Lewis and Ben Mills. We'd put money on it. At least we think we would. So far. Probably. Ahem.
Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis and Ben Mills...
Andrew Lloyd Webber has a lot to answer for - primarily being so relentlessly creepy throughout How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria than we had to take a potato peeler to our skin just to feel a bit less dirty for watching it.
But - when he isn't phoning girls up, waggling his eyebrows around like some kind of smug, mega-wealthy amphibian and saying "Hello, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber" like he's fully expecting the person on the other end of the phone to explode with delight at hearing those words - Andrew Lloyd Webber has problems like the rest of us. Problems like the auction of his $60 million Picasso-painted portrait of Angel Fernandez de Soto being halted because the Nazis might have forced its original owner to sell it during World War II. Well OK, maybe not the exact problems as the rest of us...
The Britney Spears sex tape is, to many different variety of pervert, the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes. Who in their right mind wouldn't want to watch shaky footage of a redneck mother of two banging her lanky bad-haired husband?
Up until recently, though, nobody was allowed to mention the rumoured existence of a Britney Spears sex tape, because Britney Spears was getting a bit handy with the old libel lawsuits. However, the judge presiding over the defamation lawsuit between Britney Spears and Us Weekly - which printed an article about a Britney Spears sex video - has thrown the case out of court. Why? Because Britney Spears is just naturally so dang sexy and has sold 60 million records by looking as if she'd let you hop into the sack with her quite easily, that's why.
Chances are you haven't cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but - by God - that hasn't stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she's had a drink.
Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 - 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who's Talking - was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple - it's because Kirstie Alley isn't quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that's something that's best left not thought about.
Three long years hecklerspray was desperate for a stalker. We wanted one for self validation, we wanted one for adoration, and - most importantly - we wanted a chump for our very expensive body guard to elbow in the face. Seriously, we pay him like $7 an hour and all he ever does is open doors and hold our umbrella.
So imagine our pain then, when we found out today that that ungrateful little Hilary Duff gets a stalker all her own - and she doesn't even want one! What did she do to deserve it? She sings a handful of mediocre tunes, did some gum commercials with her sister, looks kinda chubby in jeans - all stuff we'd done way before her!
And did we get a death threat out of it?! No! Hilary Duff did though. Boy oh boy, did she ever!
Everyone's tried to sneak things onto planes before, be it a hidden pot of hair gel, a sneaky extra kilogram of hand luggage or a 21-inch telescopic metal police baton used to cause blunt force trauma injuries on your many foes.
Snoop Dogg knows all about this last one, since it's been causing him all kinds of problems lately. Since Snoop Dogg tried to take the baton onto a plane in an Orange County airport in September, he's had nothing but trouble from it. After he was formally charged with possession of a deadly weapon last week, Snoop Dogg yesterday turned himself into authorities to be booked and has been released on bail for $150,000. From this we can gather that Snoop Dogg isn't the biggest RPG fan - everyone knows that a club-style weapon can be easily defeated by a footman's crossbow, wire whip or Almighty Globe Of Thunder. Maybe Snoop Dogg should think about taking one of those onboard a plane next time, for then he would truly become the Grand Master Of People Who Rap In The Middle Of Pussycat Dolls Records All The Time.
Usually a Slackerjack is a game that you can pick up in minutes, but need to concentrate on to fully master. Today, though, is different. Today we're giving you Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit.
Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit is a sort of musical tool that imagines a future where human ...
