From the monthly archives:

November 2006

All Women Hate Tom Cruise: Officialish

by Stuart Heritage

Tom Cruise is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment – what with being ridiculed for his crazy religion and his suspicious girlfriend and child – so what better way to spend an afternoon mercilessly kicking him when he’s down?

That’s not us talking for once, that’s elderly Paramount bigwig Sumner Redstone talking. Earlier in the year Sumner Redstone hit the news for giving Tom Cruise the shove from all Paramount productions forever, and now he’s given his reasons behind the decision in an interview with Vanity Fair. And, contrary to popular belief, Tom Cruise wasn’t fired from Paramount because of his excessive fees – Tom Cruise was fired from Paramount because all women hate Tom Cruise. Well it’s either ‘all women’ or ‘the middle-aged wife of an 83-year-old billionaire’ – but they’re both more or less the same, right?

Tom Cruise is going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment - what with being ridiculed for his crazy religion and his suspicious girlfriend and child - so what better way to spend an afternoon mercilessly kicking him when he's down? That's not us talking for once, that's elderly Paramount bigwig Sumner Redstone talking. Earlier in the year Sumner Redstone hit the news for giving Tom Cruise the shove from all Paramount productions forever, and now he's given his reasons behind the decision in an interview with Vanity Fair. And, contrary to popular belief, Tom Cruise wasn't fired from Paramount because of his excessive fees - Tom Cruise was fired from Paramount because all women hate Tom Cruise. Well it's either 'all women' or 'the middle-aged wife of an 83-year-old billionaire' - but they're both more or less the same, right?
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Peter Jackson Pauses Halo Movie

by Stuart Heritage

Remember last week when 20th Century Fox and Universal decided to pull out of making a Halo movie and Microsoft and Bungie’s reaction was to go “Woo hoo – without Hollywood interfering we’re gonna make the best film ever”?

Yeah, things didn’t go exactly to plan. In fact, following the Hollywood studios’ decision to not make a Halo movie any more, the wheels have well and truly come off Halo. Now Halo’s executive producer Peter Jackson has announced that – since there’s no money to make it with any more – he’s officially postponing the Halo movie, at least until he can find a way to convince people that watching a man with a cardboard box on his head running around a playing field shooting a puppy with a second-hand Nerf gun and shouting “Die treacherous Covenant scum, die!” while being filmed on a 1980s VHS camcorder is a worthy way of spending their money.

Remember last week when 20th Century Fox and Universal decided to pull out of making a Halo movie and Microsoft and Bungie's reaction was to go "Woo hoo - without Hollywood interfering we're gonna make the best film ever"? Yeah, things didn't go exactly to plan. In fact, following the Hollywood studios' decision to not make a Halo movie any more, the wheels have well and truly come off Halo. Now Halo's executive producer Peter Jackson has announced that - since there's no money to make it with any more - he's officially postponing the Halo movie, at least until he can find a way to convince people that watching a man with a cardboard box on his head running around a playing field shooting a puppy with a second-hand Nerf gun and shouting "Die treacherous Covenant scum, die!" while being filmed on a 1980s VHS camcorder is a worthy way of spending their money.
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Hear The New Long Blondes Album & Go To Its Secret Launch Party!

by Stuart Heritage

hecklerspray loves you, you know that. And, like Oprah Winfrey, we want to let you know the enormity of our love by giving you a load of stuff for free – like free tickets to the launch party for the marvellous Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album.

We’ve heard Someone To Drive You Home by The Long Blondes, and its got us whipped up into a great big excited tizzy. In the past, your Long Blondes-related excitement has been mostly limited to watching wonderful Long Blondes music videos and listening to goons like us froth about how good the Long Blondes album is. But no more – because we’ve got a very special, partially exclusive, Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album stream for you to listen to right now, ages before it’s properly released on Monday.

But that isn’t all – as well as letting you hear the Long Blondes album in full from glorious beginning to glorious end, we’ve got something even more special and even more partially exclusive for you. Because, for a lucky handful of you, you won’t just be listening to Someone To Drive You Home by The Long Blondes, you’ll be securing yourself tickets to the ultra-secret, dizzyingly glamorous Someone To Drive You Home launch party on Monday November 6. hecklerspray has Long Blondes launch party tickets for ten of you, and the only way to get them is to listen to the Someone To Drive You Home album stream below. How great are we?

Other ruley bits:

- winners will be chosen and notified on Friday November 3rd
- the launch party location will be revealed to winners when they are notified
- winners must be either in London or able to whisk themselves off to London for the party (late afternoon-ish).

What the hell are you waiting for? Listen to The Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album stream now, and good luck!

hecklerspray loves you, you know that. And, like Oprah Winfrey, we want to let you know the enormity of our love by giving you a load of stuff for free - like free tickets to the launch party for the marvellous Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album. We've heard Someone To Drive You Home by The Long Blondes, and its got us whipped up into a great big excited tizzy. In the past, your Long Blondes-related excitement has been mostly limited to watching wonderful Long Blondes music videos and listening to goons like us froth about how good the Long Blondes album is. But no more - because we've got a very special, partially exclusive, Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album stream for you to listen to right now, ages before it's properly released on Monday. But that isn't all - as well as letting you hear the Long Blondes album in full from glorious beginning to glorious end, we've got something even more special and even more partially exclusive for you. Because, for a lucky handful of you, you won't just be listening to Someone To Drive You Home by The Long Blondes, you'll be securing yourself tickets to the ultra-secret, dizzyingly glamorous Someone To Drive You Home launch party on Monday November 6. hecklerspray has Long Blondes launch party tickets for ten of you, and the only way to get them is to listen to the Someone To Drive You Home album stream below. How great are we? Other ruley bits: - winners will be chosen and notified on Friday November 3rd - the launch party location will be revealed to winners when they are notified - winners must be either in London or able to whisk themselves off to London for the party (late afternoon-ish). What the hell are you waiting for? Listen to The Long Blondes Someone To Drive You Home album stream now, and good luck!
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Jagger’s Gammy Throat Means No Rolling Stones For Hawaii

by Stuart Heritage

Mick Jagger, as much as he enjoys dressing up like a teenage girl and prancing around all night, is an old man. An old man with a wrinkly face and a throat so sore that people in Hawaii won’t get to see The Rolling Stones play this month.

And it’s not just fans in Hawaii either; Mick Jagger’s gammy throat is causing all sorts of of Rolling Stones-based consternation. As well as cancelling the November 22 show in Honolulu’s Aloha Stadium, Jagger’s bad throat has also meant that The Rolling Stones also had to postpone an Atlantic City concert four hours before it began last Friday, leading to one fan suing the band for $51 million. To most bands, a $51 million lawsuit would finish them off, but luckily The Rolling Stones will be able to recoup that money back by selling roughly three concert tickets and a tour T-shirt.

Mick Jagger, as much as he enjoys dressing up like a teenage girl and prancing around all night, is an old man. An old man with a wrinkly face and a throat so sore that people in Hawaii won't get to see The Rolling Stones play this month. And it's not just fans in Hawaii either; Mick Jagger's gammy throat is causing all sorts of of Rolling Stones-based consternation. As well as cancelling the November 22 show in Honolulu's Aloha Stadium, Jagger's bad throat has also meant that The Rolling Stones also had to postpone an Atlantic City concert four hours before it began last Friday, leading to one fan suing the band for $51 million. To most bands, a $51 million lawsuit would finish them off, but luckily The Rolling Stones will be able to recoup that money back by selling roughly three concert tickets and a tour T-shirt.
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Madonna Offered To Keep David Banda In Malawi

by Stuart Heritage

As you read this, there’s a good chance that Madonna’s new son David Banda is settling into his life in Britain by acting like any normal British child – riding a Shetland pony around his estate, sipping Pimms and firing a shotgun at ramblers.

Despite all this, though, Madonna still faces an onslaught of public suspicion over the events surrounding her visit to Malawi and subsequent adoption of David Banda. So much so that Madonna has been interviewed about the adoption for Newsnight, where Madonna denies that David Banda had regular contact with his Malawi family in his orphanage, and that she even offered to pay support money to David Banda if it meant he could stay in Malawi at one point. However, the current situation is thought to be a win-win result, because now David Banda can enjoy all that Britain has to offer, at least until his 16th birthday where Madonna will have him killed, skinned and fashioned into an attractive hat. Or something.

As you read this, there's a good chance that Madonna's new son David Banda is settling into his life in Britain by acting like any normal British child - riding a Shetland pony around his estate, sipping Pimms and firing a shotgun at ramblers. Despite all this, though, Madonna still faces an onslaught of public suspicion over the events surrounding her visit to Malawi and subsequent adoption of David Banda. So much so that Madonna has been interviewed about the adoption for Newsnight, where Madonna denies that David Banda had regular contact with his Malawi family in his orphanage, and that she even offered to pay support money to David Banda if it meant he could stay in Malawi at one point. However, the current situation is thought to be a win-win result, because now David Banda can enjoy all that Britain has to offer, at least until his 16th birthday where Madonna will have him killed, skinned and fashioned into an attractive hat. Or something.
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SLACKERJACK – Star Defender 3

by Stuart Heritage

We’re so pleased that Star Defender 3 has been made, because Star Defender 1 and Star Defender 2 left so many questions unanswered, didn’t they? We’re going to wuss out and give you the official Star Defender 3 blurb here:

In Star Defender 3 the year is 2743 A.D., only two short years since the last war, and the Insectus have already prepared for their next wave with new tricks to defeat you at every corner. The human forces are still weakened from battle and it is up to you to beat back the swarm. Destroy their ships and defeat their bosses with your own newly-crafted weapons and technology stolen from the Insectus.

Yeah, we haven’t got a flipping clue what Star Defender 3 is supposed to be about either, but all you need to know is that when you play it it’ll be fly fly bang bang zap zap time!

Order Star Defender 3 Now

Download Star Defender 3

We're so pleased that Star Defender 3 has been made, because Star Defender 1 and Star Defender 2 left so many questions unanswered, didn't they? We're going to wuss out and give you the official Star Defender 3 blurb here: In Star Defender 3 the year is 2743 A.D., only two short years since the last war, and the Insectus have already prepared for their next wave with new tricks to defeat you at every corner. The human forces are still weakened from battle and it is up to you to beat back the swarm. Destroy their ships and defeat their bosses with your own newly-crafted weapons and technology stolen from the Insectus. Yeah, we haven't got a flipping clue what Star Defender 3 is supposed to be about either, but all you need to know is that when you play it it'll be fly fly bang bang zap zap time! Order Star Defender 3 Now Download Star Defender 3
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Watch The Bronx White Guilt Video Now

by Stuart Heritage

No, you’re not seeing things. That is a picture of a member of The Bronx – the band who recorded an album of songs like Shitty Future and Rape Zombie into one of Hitler’s old microphones in a disused methadone clinic – dressed as a big fluffy rabbit.

But that’s because it’s from the video to White Guilt – the moment when The Bronx temporarily unclench their ferociously uptight stance and roll out a sleazy feelgood guitar boogie anthem, albeit a sleazy feelgood guitar boogie anthem called White Guilt that’s mainly about an “L.A Layyyyydeh!” who entertains people because she’s so messed up. White Guilt by The Bronx has a lightness of touch that’s missing from the rest of the band’s most recent album, and it’s all the better for it. This lightness is reflected in the video for White Guilt by The Bronx, where The Bronx dress up as rabbits, vampires, Santas and genies, mooch around for a while and then have a massive fight. And then feel guilty about it. Probably.

Watch The Bronx White Guilt video

No, you're not seeing things. That is a picture of a member of The Bronx - the band who recorded an album of songs like Shitty Future and Rape Zombie into one of Hitler's old microphones in a disused methadone clinic - dressed as a big fluffy rabbit. But that's because it's from the video to White Guilt - the moment when The Bronx temporarily unclench their ferociously uptight stance and roll out a sleazy feelgood guitar boogie anthem, albeit a sleazy feelgood guitar boogie anthem called White Guilt that's mainly about an "L.A Layyyyydeh!" who entertains people because she's so messed up. White Guilt by The Bronx has a lightness of touch that's missing from the rest of the band's most recent album, and it's all the better for it. This lightness is reflected in the video for White Guilt by The Bronx, where The Bronx dress up as rabbits, vampires, Santas and genies, mooch around for a while and then have a massive fight. And then feel guilty about it. Probably. Watch The Bronx White Guilt video
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Noel Edmonds & Dr Who Win At National Television Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The National Television Awards act as a perfect reflection of British viewing trends. And, judging by this theory, this year the British public like nothing more than flying space aliens and annoyingly smug beardy men.

The two biggest winners at last night’s British Television Awards were Doctor Who, which won Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Drama for its effortless portrayal of an irritating short man who sounds like a local radio DJ dragging a wide-mouthed teenager to all sorts of spooky space hospitals from the future; and Deal Or No Deal, which won Best Daytime TV Show with Noel Edmonds also picking up the coveted Best Relentless Use Of The Word ‘Extraordinary’ To Describe The Act Of A Pikey Opening A Fucking Box award.

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X Factor Betting Odds: Leona Lewis & Ben Mills

by Stuart Heritage

Every year on X Factor, one or two contestants always emerge as favourites early on and turn the series into a two horse race. This year is no exception, and those two horses sure do make some funny noises.

At the moment Leona and Ben are streaking ahead of their X Factor competition, like the namby-pamby Scottish boys and that ADD bloke, so much so that it’s hard to see any of the others catching them up. But if there’s going to be a Leona/Ben X Factor final, which one should you vote on now while the betting odds are good? You’re in luck – that’s what we’re bloody well here for, isn’t it?

Here are the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis and Ben Mills…

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