Article Archive for November 2006
Not a lot ever really happens in Italy. It's a historical fact that the only interesting things to happen in Italy since the fall of the Romans have been the freaky red-coated midget stabbing Donald Sutherland in Don't Look Now and Jennifer Gentle.
So when any very very exceptionally minor event happens in Italy everyone goes apeshit with uncontrolled joy, making special pasta and singing Belle Notte from Lady And The Tramp at each other until the sun comes up. What minor things are we talking about? Only Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes possibly getting married at Odescalchi castle near Rome, that's what. And when we say that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are possibly getting married there, we mean it's a vague possibility - all sorts of people are already denying it. Right - as if that's going to stop us.
It's been a while since you've heard Michael Jackson perform any music in public, apart from after he's been on the Jesus Juice a bit and hits the Irish karaoke bars to sing Chas & Dave tunes, or something. Possibly.
But Michael Jackson is serious about become a proper popstar again, and not just a crazy old hasbeen popstar who occasionally gets accused of molesting children. In fact, Michael Jackson is so determined to become the King Of Pop of old that he's preparing to show the world exactly what he was capable of in his prime - that's why at his appearance at the World Music Awards in London next week, Michael Jackson is going to treat the global audience of one billion to a rare performance. Not just any old performance, but Michael Jackson will sing Thriller, one of his most famous hits. Plus, now he's old and weird-looking, Michael Jackson won't need any of that spooky make-up.
Oh come on, like you didn't see that one coming.
Martin Scorsese couldn't be riding any higher at the moment. The Departed is his biggest-opening film of all time and - in Jack Nicholson's prosthetic penis - he's created a character so endearing that it should have its own range of children's merchandise.
And this success means that the movie studios are sniffing around Martin Scorsese like, well, like movie studios around a successful, gigantic-eyebrowed film director. Namely Paramount - the studio that recently fired Tom Cruise for being a massive freaky loonspaz - which has just signed Martin Scorsese up to a $10 million, four-year deal to give it first rights on any new movie, documentary or TV show that he decides to make. Now it's just a toss-up what Martin Scorsese will do next; the Rolling Stones documentary, the movie about persecution of Christians in 17th century Imperial Japan or the Jack Nicholson's Singing Strap-On Doo-Daa children's cartoon series.
When you think of Lindsay Lohan, a few things pop into your mind automatically - unfortunately it just so happens that none of these things will involve Lindsay Lohan's professional career or any films she's ever been in.
Instead, the phrase 'Lindsay Lohan' probably inspires terrifying imagery of a skinny woman doing lots of dumb things at a party. With no knickers on. And then being shouted at for being an idiot. Right? We're right, aren't we? In fact we'd probably go so far as to say that Lindsay Lohan is the definitive party-girl of her generation. But, while we'd be happy enough for Lindsay Lohan to give up making rubbish films about crazy cars to concentrate fully on titting about at parties all the time, this isn't what Lindsay Lohan wants. In fact, Lindsay Lohan has been carping on to Oprah Winfrey about how much she hates her party-girl reputation.
The People's Choice Awards are that rarest of awards ceremonies, where the public comes together as one to make the hardest decisions of their lives, like which celebrity has got the nicest hair and if Deal Or No Deal is better than American Idol.
The first round of People's Choice Award nominations for next year's awards took place yesterday, and they sure didn't disappoint fans of lowest common denominator entertainment everywhere. Specifically the People's Choice nominations also didn't disappoint Johnny Depp, who is up for People's Choice Awards for Best Movie Star, Male Action Star and On-Screen Match-Up. It's thought that The People's Choice Awards 2007 will belong to Johnny Depp, who will no doubt count winning an award for dressing up as a pirate and running around in a big wheel as the crowning achievement of his 20-year dedication to art-house cinema.
Genesis was a band that occupied a very distinct piece of emotional territory here at hecklerspray; a territory full of Ford Sierra-driving, shirt-and-jeans wearing dullards listening to music so bad it makes us want to do a dirty protest in their faces.
Genesis were a band who pretty much sum up the dreadful stadium rock, big drumming bombastic excesses of the 1980s - the sort of music we suspect Noel Edmonds listens to on the way to the Deal Or No Deal studios. Without Genesis there'd be no Phil Collins, and if that isn't reason enough to wish Genesis had never been invented we don't know what is. And now - surprise surprise - Genesis have announced that they'll be reforming for a stadium tour next year. However, the Genesis reunion tour will be taking place across Europe only, so people need to move fast to get their hands on tickets. Air tickets. Air tickets out of Europe.
DIBS!
Sweet mother of Moses - Britney Spears is single! Well almost anyway. Britney Spears went and did what hecklerspray's sweet prayers have been imploring she do for a little over two years now. Spears has filed for divorce from her husband Kevin Federline, as he's ugly and has little personality. And she cited irreconcilable differences.
Since we heard the wonderful news, hecklerspray's been taking all sorts of measures to ensure we catch Britney Spears' eye, should its gaze ever fall upon us. That's right, we are totally her type now. We're white with corn-rows, we have big beautiful diamond earrings, and we wear our hat about 15 degrees crooked.
We'd be more comfortable not meeting Britney's kids right off though. Seriously.
Some things you liked as a child desperately need an adult reassessment. Bagpuss, for example, is drivel if you watch it now, as are He-Man, The Clangers, Finger Mouse and Transformers.Other things, though, never change. Like Garfield. When you were a kid Garfield was crap and now you are an adult Garfield is still crap. The Garfield movies are crap, the ...
