From the monthly archives:

November 2006

MySpace Trawl – Smoosh

by Matthew Laidlow

Every Thursday, well most Thursdays unless we’re down the pub, a crack team of orphans are bribed by hecklerspray with a multipack of McCoy’s crisps to trawl through the ever-growing love/hate inspiring site that is MySpace. The shit is filtered away and we’re given the best bands and artists that it has to offer. We enjoy doing this. It gives us a piss poor excuse to listen to decent music and pretending to work whilst we do so.

Unfortunately for nearly all of the staff here at hecklerspray, we’re all musically useless. This was drilled in to us in our childhood when we were little tots without a care in the world. One day the butch-looking music teacher grunted at us “Who wants to learn to play an instrument?” Us, we thought, since it’d probably be a useful skill to have, and would maybe impress the ladies in future life. But when we went out to audition playing the guitar we were bluntly told by the horrible bulldog of a teacher that we had no musical ability. Our souls were shattered.

After about ten seconds of trying to impress her we were told to pretty much bugger off and play the triangle – the only instrument we were apparently good at it. This hurt us a lot. But it’s good to see not all children are told they’re shit; this week’s MySpace Trawl brings us to Smoosh. They are two sisters, who aren’t even old enough to see The Grudge 2 because it’s a 15. Not that they’d want to, anyway. It’s shit.

Every Thursday, well most Thursdays unless we're down the pub, a crack team of orphans are bribed by hecklerspray with a multipack of McCoy’s crisps to trawl through the ever-growing love/hate inspiring site that is MySpace. The shit is filtered away and we're given the best bands and artists that it has to offer. We enjoy doing this. It gives us a piss poor excuse to listen to decent music and pretending to work whilst we do so. Unfortunately for nearly all of the staff here at hecklerspray, we're all musically useless. This was drilled in to us in our childhood when we were little tots without a care in the world. One day the butch-looking music teacher grunted at us “Who wants to learn to play an instrument?” Us, we thought, since it'd probably be a useful skill to have, and would maybe impress the ladies in future life. But when we went out to audition playing the guitar we were bluntly told by the horrible bulldog of a teacher that we had no musical ability. Our souls were shattered. After about ten seconds of trying to impress her we were told to pretty much bugger off and play the triangle - the only instrument we were apparently good at it. This hurt us a lot. But it’s good to see not all children are told they're shit; this week’s MySpace Trawl brings us to Smoosh. They are two sisters, who aren’t even old enough to see The Grudge 2 because it’s a 15. Not that they’d want to, anyway. It’s shit.
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Courtney Love: Mel Gibson Somehow Got Me Sober

by Stuart Heritage

Judging by his recent behaviour, getting Mel Gibson to help keep you sober is a bit like getting Jeffrey Dahmer to help you stop killing boys and storing their severed heads in your fridge – but, compared to Courtney Love, Mel’s a saint.

And now Courtney Love has decided to tell the world that she’s been sober for 15 months, something which she puts entirely down to the intervention of Mel Gibson. Thanks to this new endorsement by famed wildgirl Courtney Love, Mel Gibson now feels that the time is right to publish his very own self-help book entitled Now YOU Can Stay Sober The Mel Gibson Way (Unless You’re A Fucking Jew). OK, the book doesn’t exist. But if it did it’d probably be written in sodding Chicomuceltec or something.

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Brad Pitt Strops About His Vanity Fair Knickers Pic

by Stuart Heritage

If you made most girls write down their wildest dreams, chances are they’d include almost all of the following; Brad Pitt, some water, Brad Pitt’s knickers, a gun, the colour blue, Brad Pitt’s socks and the threat of legal action – right girls?

Those girls had better brace themselves for an explosion of joy, because the December issue of Vanity Fair features a blue-lit Brad Pitt on the cover, in his knickers and socks holding a gun in the rain. And, just so he doesn’t alienate his female fans with lawsuit fetishes, Brad Pitt is also apparently thinking about angrily taking legal action against Vanity Fair for using an unauthorised picture of him when it could have used one of him covered in sand and cuddling a brown baby while inspirationally looking off into the middle-distance while a choir of angels weep with gratitude or something.

If you made most girls write down their wildest dreams, chances are they'd include almost all of the following; Brad Pitt, some water, Brad Pitt's knickers, a gun, the colour blue, Brad Pitt's socks and the threat of legal action - right girls? Those girls had better brace themselves for an explosion of joy, because the December issue of Vanity Fair features a blue-lit Brad Pitt on the cover, in his knickers and socks holding a gun in the rain. And, just so he doesn't alienate his female fans with lawsuit fetishes, Brad Pitt is also apparently thinking about angrily taking legal action against Vanity Fair for using an unauthorised picture of him when it could have used one of him covered in sand and cuddling a brown baby while inspirationally looking off into the middle-distance while a choir of angels weep with gratitude or something.
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Was Phillippe Boinky-Boinking Behind Witherspoon’s Back?

by Stuart Heritage

It’ll take time to come to terms with the fact that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have split, as it always does when an Oscar-winning actress splits up with her husband most famous for being in the Hey Ya video for a millisecond.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve just about gone through all five of the Kübler-Ross model stages of grief about the Reese Witherspoon/ Ryan Phillippe split; Denial (“Reese and Ryan split up? Yeah, right.”), Anger (“How dare you God! Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe’s happy marriage was all that we had. ALL THAT WE HAD!”), Bargaining (“Hey Ryan, I’ll give you 10p if you get back with the peppy cowboy girl. 12p?”), Depression (“We’ll jump if we don’t at least see some conciliatory make-up sex between Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe”) and finally Acceptance. Acceptance that Ryan Phillippe was probably having it off with another girl behind Reese Witherspoon’s back, that is.

It'll take time to come to terms with the fact that Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have split, as it always does when an Oscar-winning actress splits up with her husband most famous for being in the Hey Ya video for a millisecond. We don't know about you, but we've just about gone through all five of the Kübler-Ross model stages of grief about the Reese Witherspoon/ Ryan Phillippe split; Denial ("Reese and Ryan split up? Yeah, right."), Anger ("How dare you God! Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe's happy marriage was all that we had. ALL THAT WE HAD!"), Bargaining ("Hey Ryan, I'll give you 10p if you get back with the peppy cowboy girl. 12p?"), Depression ("We'll jump if we don't at least see some conciliatory make-up sex between Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe") and finally Acceptance. Acceptance that Ryan Phillippe was probably having it off with another girl behind Reese Witherspoon's back, that is.
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Madonna Might Do The Adoption Palaver All Over Again

by Stuart Heritage

Ever since she adopted David Banda from Malawi and started to teach him how to do a ridiculous fake British accent just like her, Madonna has faced a barrage of concerned protests from every corner of the globe.

Most people in the same situation would have buckled under the pressure of all this controversy and tried to draw a line under the whole affair by quietly building a rocket and sending David Banda into space with just an oversized leotard and crystals contain Marlon Brando reading from Chicken Soup For The Soul to keep him company, but not Madonna. Madonna didn’t get where she is today by listening to people. In fact, Madonna likes all the controversy so much that she might even adopt another baby from Africa, just for shits and giggles.

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SLACKERJACK – The World’s Most Addicting Game

by Stuart Heritage

That’s a smart move – calling your game The World’s Most Addicting Game. It certainly beats calling it That Game With The Squares And Stuff In It which it could have been called. It’s actually given us the idea to change our name by deed poll to The Man That You Should Be Married To Instead Of That Arsehole.

Anyway, The World’s Most Addicting Game. The World’s Most Addicting Game couldn’t be easier. You’re a red square and you have to weave and dodge the blue shapes for as long as you can. Easy. But how long can you last at The World’s Most Addicting Game? It’s said that fighter pilots can last for around 60 seconds, and the current high score is around the 40 second mark. Us? Eight seconds. But our browser’s knackered. Honest. Play The World’s Most Addicting Game now and post your best time as a comment below. If you think you can beat eight seconds that is…

Play The World’s Most Addicting Game now

That's a smart move - calling your game The World's Most Addicting Game. It certainly beats calling it That Game With The Squares And Stuff In It which it could have been called. It's actually given us the idea to change our name by deed poll to The Man That You Should Be Married To Instead Of That Arsehole. Anyway, The World's Most Addicting Game. The World's Most Addicting Game couldn't be easier. You're a red square and you have to weave and dodge the blue shapes for as long as you can. Easy. But how long can you last at The World's Most Addicting Game? It's said that fighter pilots can last for around 60 seconds, and the current high score is around the 40 second mark. Us? Eight seconds. But our browser's knackered. Honest. Play The World's Most Addicting Game now and post your best time as a comment below. If you think you can beat eight seconds that is... Play The World's Most Addicting Game now
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Bob Barker: Time Is Right To Leave Price Is Right

by Shawn Lindseth

Something horrible has happened. Bob Barker got sucked into his giant spinning game-show wheel. To make matters worse, when it stopped spinning he only had 35 cents.

And the set of The Price Is Right, the set knew. It knew and it was angry. It was as if televised game-show hell erupted, bringing with it 15 minutes of absolute pandemonium and life-threatening chaos. Plinko chips hovered menacingly over the audience, oversized face cards spontaneously combusted, and one of those Barker babes was gutted by a land rover.

When Bob Barker’s tiny microphone first got snagged in that spinning wheel and jerked him in, the world was taken aback. Not us though, we recognise inter-game show rivalries when we see it. Sure, Meredith Vieira may issue a press release expressing some sort of condolence, but if anyone held that condolence really close to their nose and sniffed – it’d smell of Barker-blood!

Oh wait. Barker’s not dead, he’s just quitting – after 35 long years as host of The Price Is Right. Yes, Bob Barker is not dead at all and Meredith Vieira didn’t kill nobody. That’s not double talk, our English is just that poor.

Something horrible has happened. Bob Barker got sucked into his giant spinning game-show wheel. To make matters worse, when it stopped spinning he only had 35 cents. And the set of The Price Is Right, the set knew. It knew and it was angry. It was as if televised game-show hell erupted, bringing with it 15 minutes of absolute pandemonium and life-threatening chaos. Plinko chips hovered menacingly over the audience, oversized face cards spontaneously combusted, and one of those Barker babes was gutted by a land rover. When Bob Barker's tiny microphone first got snagged in that spinning wheel and jerked him in, the world was taken aback. Not us though, we recognise inter-game show rivalries when we see it. Sure, Meredith Vieira may issue a press release expressing some sort of condolence, but if anyone held that condolence really close to their nose and sniffed - it'd smell of Barker-blood! Oh wait. Barker's not dead, he's just quitting - after 35 long years as host of The Price Is Right. Yes, Bob Barker is not dead at all and Meredith Vieira didn't kill nobody. That's not double talk, our English is just that poor.
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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Georgina Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing poor Georgina Bouzova got the shove, continuing the proud tradition of booting off the Strictly Come Dancing contestant who’s improved the most over the space of a week.

Also, Georgina leaving Strictly Come Dancing marked a new stage in our Strictly Come Dancing fandom – from outright hating each series to quite enjoying it, we’re at the stage now where we start to watch Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two during the week to assess the dancers’ abilities even further than usual. The stages we’ve yet to go through include the slow realisation that we’re boning up on a reality TV show about dancing and the stage where we stay in bed crying for a week wondering where our lives went so very wrong.

But with Georgina Bouzova out of the frame, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for Jan Ravens, Peter Schmeichel, Claire King, Carol Smillie and Matt Dawson…

On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing poor Georgina Bouzova got the shove, continuing the proud tradition of booting off the Strictly Come Dancing contestant who's improved the most over the space of a week. Also, Georgina leaving Strictly Come Dancing marked a new stage in our Strictly Come Dancing fandom - from outright hating each series to quite enjoying it, we're at the stage now where we start to watch Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two during the week to assess the dancers' abilities even further than usual. The stages we've yet to go through include the slow realisation that we're boning up on a reality TV show about dancing and the stage where we stay in bed crying for a week wondering where our lives went so very wrong. But with Georgina Bouzova out of the frame, who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here's the first part of this week's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for Jan Ravens, Peter Schmeichel, Claire King, Carol Smillie and Matt Dawson...
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New Michael Jackson Album To Be Slightly Black Eyed Peas-y

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a saying that goes “nothing is certain but death and taxes,” but to that we say ‘pah!’ Surely the real saying is “nothing is certain but death, taxes and Michael Jackson never releasing an album when he says he will”.

Because for the last five or so years, Michael Jackson has been constantly making promises about bringing out all kinds on confusing music but nothing ever materialises from them. But this time perhaps Michael Jackson really is going to be releasing a new album soon – he’s been recording some songs with Will.i.am from The Black Eyed Peas at his new home in Ireland, according to reports. And we don’t know about you, but we’re using this intervening time to fully steel our minds against the prospect of listening to Michael Jackson sing a song about his “humps.”

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Barbra Streisand In Concert Drinky-Fling Rage

by Stuart Heritage

Barbra Streisand is famous for two main things; being appealing to stereotypical homosexuals and always banging on about politics like she thinks she’s bloody Theodor W Adorno or something. And having a big nose. OK, three main things.

And, as part of her latest tour, Barbra Streisand has devised a cunning ruse to combine these elements to a delightfully devilish degree – halfway through belting out one awful MOR ballad after another, Barbra Streisand hauls a George W Bush impersonator onstage and takes the piss out of him a bit. But one Barbra Streisand audience member in Florida on Monday actually became so enraged by the sight of seeing a millionaire singer trading lop-sided water-thin pre-scripted insults with a man who looks a bit like the president that – fuelled by nothing but righteous anger – they threw a paper cup full of some kind of liquid at Barbra Streisand. And missed. And it was the most exciting thing that any of them had ever seen.

Barbra Streisand is famous for two main things; being appealing to stereotypical homosexuals and always banging on about politics like she thinks she's bloody Theodor W Adorno or something. And having a big nose. OK, three main things. And, as part of her latest tour, Barbra Streisand has devised a cunning ruse to combine these elements to a delightfully devilish degree - halfway through belting out one awful MOR ballad after another, Barbra Streisand hauls a George W Bush impersonator onstage and takes the piss out of him a bit. But one Barbra Streisand audience member in Florida on Monday actually became so enraged by the sight of seeing a millionaire singer trading lop-sided water-thin pre-scripted insults with a man who looks a bit like the president that - fuelled by nothing but righteous anger - they threw a paper cup full of some kind of liquid at Barbra Streisand. And missed. And it was the most exciting thing that any of them had ever seen.
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