Article Archive for November 2006
As you’ve probably come to realise over time, we like a lot of different-sounding things. Remember the kids in school who used to call you gay for listening to jazz while they preached about how gangster rap was the best thing since Swiss cheese?
Sadly they still exist and will probably continue to mock you, but don’t worry there’s a kind, loving home for you here. With these MySpace Trawls we like to expose ourselves - not literally - to everything that’s being made by musicians across the world. Our basic way of thinking is, if it sounds good we’ll listen to it, no questions asked. A good old donkey’s age ago, we stumbled across the Norwegian act Sirka Ragnar. Nice stuff came from there, the gentle melodies and flowing beats made it a firm favourite in the hecklerspray boombox. We decided to return to Norway this week to see what else we could find in its treasure chest of musical gems. It’s more electronic mayhem this week as we explore the sounds of the Athome Project.
To many youngsters these days, Ozzy Osbourne is nothing more than the stumbling wreck of a man who can't work VCRs and bellows "Sharon!" at the screeching moronic woman from X Factor all the time, thanks to The Osbournes.
But Ozzy Osbourne doesn't just absent-mindedly stammer about being the Prince Of Darkness for no reason - in his prime Ozzy Osbourne was the definition of rock and roll excess. You kids might not know it now, but you'll see when Motley Crue's staggeringly outrageous autobiography The Dirt is turned into a movie in 2008. You'll see what classic-era Ozzy Osbourne was capable of, or at least you'll see what mental-haired, oddly-inflecting Hollywood weirdo Christopher Walken makes of him, since it'll be Christopher Walken who'll get to play Ozzy Osbourne in The Dirt movie. But if you think that's a strange choice, just be thankful that nobody let Jon Effing Culshaw take the role.
When Reese Witherspoon decided that the time was right to split up with her anonymous husband of seven years Ryan Phillippe, she must've thought that she'd get a long run at being America's Newly-Single And Vulnerable Sweetheart.
How wrong she was - just days after Reese Witherspoon announced her split from Ryan Phillippe, Britney Spears only went and topped her by splitting up with Kevin Federline. Reese Witherspoon didn't stand a chance - while she won an Oscar for a moving portrayal of a recently-dead country legend, she's never grinded her hips about in a red pleather catsuit like Britney did. And now, in a transparent bid to get her name back in the headlines a bit more, Reese Witherspoon has chosen this moment to formally file for divorce from Ryan Phillipe.
Bill Cosby once goosed us in a fast food restaurant. It was horrible. And then we made the mistake of accepting a 'Benadryl' flavoured McFlurry he handed us. We remember the next several hours quite vividly, but for the sake of making fast money in a very dirty fashion, he drugged us and touched two of our three man-boobs.
We've been talking to lawyers who tell us we'll need something called "evidence" to ensure any level of court-room success. We were all "then sneak into his house and collect some toilet hair! What are we paying you for?!" And our lawyer was all "well technically you're not paying me anything, as the court appointed me to the case because you're all very, very poor."
Yeah, who knew the judicial system paid lawyers to get all technical like that? Civil courts sure didn't get technical on some lady that's suing Bill Cosby for grabby hands. He had to settle out of court - pudding pop style.
Pudding Pop style is Latin for "he probably paid her off." Or "no he didn't probably pay her off please Bill Cosby don't sue us."
We've never got the hang of translating Nominatives.
It's a choice that all children of divorce must make at some point; do I want to live with my mother, who drives me round unsafely and lets me fall on my head; or my father, who was off making a godawful hip-hop album during all of this?
It's a hard choice, and thank God Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline won't need to make it. You see, a day after Britney Spears decided to become a 24-year-old, twice-divorced single mother of two by sending a text message to delusional numbskull Kevin Federline asking for a divorce, things have already started to turn nasty - Kevin Federline wants to fight for custody of the children he had with Britney Spears. Goddamn it - those two tiny cornrow home salon sets that K-Fed bought the kids won't go to waste. They just won't!
Probably one of the best jobs in the world is a delivery boy. The only responsibility you have is to take food from one place to another place, and even then if you mess up you can just shout broken English into a telephone and people stop complaining.
Delivery King is the game that lets you temporarily give up your high-powered day-job ...
Have you ever wished that Pete Doherty was as good at writing good songs that people can remember as he is at getting his flabby, pasty, yellowish Hale & Pace mush into trouble with the law at any given moment in time.
We have mixed feelings on the issue. On the one hand, if Pete Doherty showed the even half the amount of talent for songwriting as being tediously in court all the time, the songs he'd write would bring an end to global unhappiness in a fingerclick. On the other hand we sort of like the current set-up, because we can enjoy Pete Doherty for being a mighty nobsack and we don't have to spend any money on his rubbish CDs. Anyway, yesterday Pete Doherty was in court where he was fined £750 for doing some lousy martial arts on a BBC reporter, breaking her microphone and hurting her hand.
Here it is, the time of the week when we start to pick apart how good the Strictly Come Dancing contestants are at dressing up in horrible lycra blouses and trying to dance to horrible renditions of Bon Jovi songs, the poor souls.
On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing, Jan Ravens bit the big one. After probably improving the most out of all the dancers so far, Jan never really recovered from stacking it a few weeks ago and was asked to leave. And at that exact moment, Jan's happy-go-lucky demeanour was smashed into dust and she was left sobbing and wailing like a four-year-old who was picked last for the netball team. It was a terrifying spectacle to watch, and we're still sleeping with the lights on because of it.
But now that Jan Ravens has inevitably been kicked out of Strictly Come Dancing, who's going to win? Here's part one of our Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Claire King, Peter Schmeichel, Matt Dawson and Carol Smillie...
