From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Madonna Vs Human Rights Adoption People: Let’s Go!

by Stuart Heritage

Just when you thought that this whole kerfuffle about Madonna sneaking into Malawi at night and making off with a baby – or something – had died down, a judge in Malawi has decided that Madonna better get ready to fight for him in court.

Ever since Madonna took baby David Banda back to England to see if his new wardrobe of unsettling leotards fitted properly, a coalition of 67 Human Rights groups had been waiting to see if a court would allow them to proceed with a legal challenge against Madonna’s adoption, and today the presiding judge ruled that they’re free to put the legal challenge into action. The good news for the Human Rights groups is that they’re only limited to legal challenges, and it’s just as well – in a physical challenge they would stand a chance. We saw Madonna’s concert on TV this weekend, and Madonna totally Tai-Boed like 20 dancers in the face during the breakdown of Sorry.

Just when you thought that this whole kerfuffle about Madonna sneaking into Malawi at night and making off with a baby - or something - had died down, a judge in Malawi has decided that Madonna better get ready to fight for him in court. Ever since Madonna took baby David Banda back to England to see if his new wardrobe of unsettling leotards fitted properly, a coalition of 67 Human Rights groups had been waiting to see if a court would allow them to proceed with a legal challenge against Madonna's adoption, and today the presiding judge ruled that they're free to put the legal challenge into action. The good news for the Human Rights groups is that they're only limited to legal challenges, and it's just as well - in a physical challenge they would stand a chance. We saw Madonna's concert on TV this weekend, and Madonna totally Tai-Boed like 20 dancers in the face during the breakdown of Sorry.
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Peter Jackson To Possibly Make The Hobbit After All

by Stuart Heritage

Lord Of The Rings fans everywhere spent last week crying and cuddling their special limited edition seven-hour extended Return Of The King DVD boxsets extra hard, all because Peter Jackson had been ruled out of directing the Hobbit movies.

But it turns out that all this spoddy anguish may have been misplaced to begin with. Although Peter Jackson said that New Line didn’t want him to direct two Lord Of The Rings prequelling Hobbit movies, he didn’t say what would happen if any other studios wanted to make a Hobbit movie or two. And guess what? It’s expected that New Line will lose the movie rights to The Hobbit next year, at which point MGM wants to snap them up and get Peter Jackson onboard as well to direct the Hobbit movie that the fans clearly want – a million-hour-long Hobbit spectacular starring Peter Jackson as all the characters from The Hobbit with special effects hand-drawn by Peter Jackson and sound effects all done by Peter Jackson’s mouth like that bloke out of Police Academy used to do.

Lord Of The Rings fans everywhere spent last week crying and cuddling their special limited edition seven-hour extended Return Of The King DVD boxsets extra hard, all because Peter Jackson had been ruled out of directing the Hobbit movies. But it turns out that all this spoddy anguish may have been misplaced to begin with. Although Peter Jackson said that New Line didn't want him to direct two Lord Of The Rings prequelling Hobbit movies, he didn't say what would happen if any other studios wanted to make a Hobbit movie or two. And guess what? It's expected that New Line will lose the movie rights to The Hobbit next year, at which point MGM wants to snap them up and get Peter Jackson onboard as well to direct the Hobbit movie that the fans clearly want - a million-hour-long Hobbit spectacular starring Peter Jackson as all the characters from The Hobbit with special effects hand-drawn by Peter Jackson and sound effects all done by Peter Jackson's mouth like that bloke out of Police Academy used to do.
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Cameron Diaz Ain’t Never Getting Married

by Stuart Heritage

As far as women who like pube-haired boys who dance like girls go, Justin Timberlake sure is a catch, and there are probably dozens of lonely women who want to spike his drink with Rohypnol and rush him up the aisle while he’s still woozy.

Unfortunately for those women, Justin Timberlake is already taken. And the woman who has taken him is Cameron Diaz – and Cameron never ever ever wants to get married to Justin Timberlake, not at all, no way, not if he was the last man on Earth. Cameron Diaz is serious – she’s even been on TV to explain just how little she wants to marry Justin Timberlake. At least, you know, until she has it in writing that Justin’s going to stop wearing those rubbish waistcoats and singing like he’s been smacked in the balls with a cricket bat, but that’s as good as never.

As far as women who like pube-haired boys who dance like girls go, Justin Timberlake sure is a catch, and there are probably dozens of lonely women who want to spike his drink with Rohypnol and rush him up the aisle while he's still woozy. Unfortunately for those women, Justin Timberlake is already taken. And the woman who has taken him is Cameron Diaz - and Cameron never ever ever wants to get married to Justin Timberlake, not at all, no way, not if he was the last man on Earth. Cameron Diaz is serious - she's even been on TV to explain just how little she wants to marry Justin Timberlake. At least, you know, until she has it in writing that Justin's going to stop wearing those rubbish waistcoats and singing like he's been smacked in the balls with a cricket bat, but that's as good as never.
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Tracy Morgan From 30 Rock Boozed Up In Car Again

by Stuart Heritage

30 Rock – the shorter, funnier version of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip – needs all the help it can get right now to stop it from getting axed; but whether or not one of its stars getting arrested for drink-driving counts as ‘help’ remains to be seen.

Tracy Morgan – the former crack-dealer turned Saturday Night Live regular turned drink driver turned sitcom star who plays an uncomfortably close version of himself on 30 Rock – was arrested in New York yesterday for drink-driving. It’s unknown how Tracy Morgan’s drink-driving arrest will affect the outcome of the ratings battle between 30 Rock and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, but let’s not worry too much – in the unlikely event that Tracy Morgan ends up in jail and a new series of 30 Rock is commissioned over Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, then perhaps 30 Rock can draft in Studio 60′s token black character Simon Stiles as a replacement.

30 Rock - the shorter, funnier version of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip - needs all the help it can get right now to stop it from getting axed; but whether or not one of its stars getting arrested for drink-driving counts as 'help' remains to be seen. Tracy Morgan - the former crack-dealer turned Saturday Night Live regular turned drink driver turned sitcom star who plays an uncomfortably close version of himself on 30 Rock - was arrested in New York yesterday for drink-driving. It's unknown how Tracy Morgan's drink-driving arrest will affect the outcome of the ratings battle between 30 Rock and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, but let's not worry too much - in the unlikely event that Tracy Morgan ends up in jail and a new series of 30 Rock is commissioned over Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, then perhaps 30 Rock can draft in Studio 60's token black character Simon Stiles as a replacement.
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Snoop Doggs Gets Arrested For The Bajillionth Time

by Stuart Heritage

OK – let’s say that you’re a high-profile rapper with a new album out, and you seem to keep getting arrested all the time. Chances are you’d probably clear all the marijuana, guns and cocaine out from your car to stop it happening again, right?

Try telling that to Snoop Dogg, who appears to be gunning for a place in the Guinness Book Of Records under the category Most Arrests For All Sorts Of Dumb Shit In An Unbelievably Small Period Of Time. That’s right – even though Snoop Dogg has been arrested approximately a gazillion times over the last few weeks for all sorts of weapons and drug offences, he’s at it again. Last night Snoop Dogg was arrested yet again when police found a gun, some marijuana and some cocaine in his car outside a TV studio. Don’t write Snoop Dogg off yet, though – there’s still a whole month left of 2006, and that’s plenty of time for him to get arrested another 732 times – 733 if he lets down the tyres of a police car on the way out of the police station – before the year is out.

OK - let's say that you're a high-profile rapper with a new album out, and you seem to keep getting arrested all the time. Chances are you'd probably clear all the marijuana, guns and cocaine out from your car to stop it happening again, right? Try telling that to Snoop Dogg, who appears to be gunning for a place in the Guinness Book Of Records under the category Most Arrests For All Sorts Of Dumb Shit In An Unbelievably Small Period Of Time. That's right - even though Snoop Dogg has been arrested approximately a gazillion times over the last few weeks for all sorts of weapons and drug offences, he's at it again. Last night Snoop Dogg was arrested yet again when police found a gun, some marijuana and some cocaine in his car outside a TV studio. Don't write Snoop Dogg off yet, though - there's still a whole month left of 2006, and that's plenty of time for him to get arrested another 732 times - 733 if he lets down the tyres of a police car on the way out of the police station - before the year is out.
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Pamela Anderson/ Kid Rock Divorce: It’s All Borat’s Fault

by Stuart Heritage

So after four – thankfully amatuer sex tape-free – months of marriage, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced; but what could have possibly come between two such obviously level-headed pillars of society?

Perhaps Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing because they haven’t been able to find any quality time to share with each other because of their heavy commitments to writing confusing online diaries, waggling their boobies around and watching WWE wrestling in their underwear on their confederate flag-print sofa while eating beans from a tin balanced on their bellies. Or perhaps – just perhaps – they’re getting divorced because Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in the new Borat movie and, instead of laughing at the funny foreigner like everyone else, decided to angrily bellow that she was a “whore” and a “slut” in front of a crowd of people.

So after four - thankfully amatuer sex tape-free - months of marriage, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced; but what could have possibly come between two such obviously level-headed pillars of society? Perhaps Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing because they haven't been able to find any quality time to share with each other because of their heavy commitments to writing confusing online diaries, waggling their boobies around and watching WWE wrestling in their underwear on their confederate flag-print sofa while eating beans from a tin balanced on their bellies. Or perhaps - just perhaps - they're getting divorced because Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in the new Borat movie and, instead of laughing at the funny foreigner like everyone else, decided to angrily bellow that she was a "whore" and a "slut" in front of a crowd of people.
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SLACKERJACK – Family Feud 2

by Stuart Heritage

Family Feud is what Americans call Family Fortunes, the gameshow where gonklike TV goon Vernon Kay asks some families some question and does the impossible by making people feel nostalgic for Les Dennis.

But this isn’t Family Fortunes or Family Feud, it’s Family Feud 2 – which is probably quite a lot different somehow. If you’ve ever watched Family Fortunes or Family Feud, you’ll know how to play Family Feuds 2. 100 people are asked a question, and you have to guess all the different dumbass ways that they answered. For an online game based on a TV show, Family Feuds 2 is surprisingly immersive – there are around 2,000 questions to answer and more game modes than you can swing a cat at. Beat The Average, Head-To-Head with a computer – or even go multiplayer if you’re allowed to keep someone else in your tiny cubicle without raising the supervisor’s suspicions. As far as we know, nobody says “if it’s there I’ll give you the money myself” during Family Feuds 2, but don’t let that put you off. Family Feud 2 has all the fun of Family Fortunes without any of the nasty downsides, like finding out what Lee Ryan’s family looks like.

Order Family Feud 2 Now

Download Family Feud

Family Feud is what Americans call Family Fortunes, the gameshow where gonklike TV goon Vernon Kay asks some families some question and does the impossible by making people feel nostalgic for Les Dennis. But this isn't Family Fortunes or Family Feud, it's Family Feud 2 - which is probably quite a lot different somehow. If you've ever watched Family Fortunes or Family Feud, you'll know how to play Family Feuds 2. 100 people are asked a question, and you have to guess all the different dumbass ways that they answered. For an online game based on a TV show, Family Feuds 2 is surprisingly immersive - there are around 2,000 questions to answer and more game modes than you can swing a cat at. Beat The Average, Head-To-Head with a computer - or even go multiplayer if you're allowed to keep someone else in your tiny cubicle without raising the supervisor's suspicions. As far as we know, nobody says "if it's there I'll give you the money myself" during Family Feuds 2, but don't let that put you off. Family Feud 2 has all the fun of Family Fortunes without any of the nasty downsides, like finding out what Lee Ryan's family looks like. Order Family Feud 2 Now Download Family Feud
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Phone-In Quiz Shows Officially Taking The Piss

by C J Davies

Remember when ITV first launched that Quizmania programme, and how it seemed like the greatest (albeit sleep-depriving) entertainment feast that had ever splashed across your glowing telly box?

And then do you remember how every other TV channel in the world decided to launch their own alternative – with names like Quiz Call or Quizzy-Quiz Ring Ring or Phone Our Quiz Immediately, You Utter Fucking Plebs – and the whole concept instantly became as tedious and unexciting as a Babyshambles CD?

We do. And we’re angry about it.

Luckily, however – in the most incidental way possible – it seems that we’re not alone. Other people have been getting mightily annoyed about the Quiz TV phenomenon… especially the face that each and every ‘competition’ phone call is:

a) roughly as expensive as a Gold-And-Moondust Pie, and

b) about as likely to ‘win’ – or even ‘be answered’ – as Gary Glitter knocking on the door of his local primary school.

Remember when ITV first launched that Quizmania programme, and how it seemed like the greatest (albeit sleep-depriving) entertainment feast that had ever splashed across your glowing telly box? And then do you remember how every other TV channel in the world decided to launch their own alternative - with names like Quiz Call or Quizzy-Quiz Ring Ring or Phone Our Quiz Immediately, You Utter Fucking Plebs - and the whole concept instantly became as tedious and unexciting as a Babyshambles CD? We do. And we're angry about it. Luckily, however - in the most incidental way possible - it seems that we're not alone. Other people have been getting mightily annoyed about the Quiz TV phenomenon... especially the face that each and every 'competition' phone call is: a) roughly as expensive as a Gold-And-Moondust Pie, and b) about as likely to 'win' - or even 'be answered' - as Gary Glitter knocking on the door of his local primary school.
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X Factor Betting Odds: Leona Lewis To Win (Again)

by Stuart Heritage

We’re getting to the point of X Factor where all the awful acts have gone, and only the very best remain. Only that’s not the case at all – so long as Ray and The MacDonald Brothers stay in X Factor, it’ll still have its share of joke performers.

And the joke acts seem to be slowly edging out the decent X Factor performers, which is even more bewildering. Take Ben Mills for example – yes he looks like he’d be a horrible tosser to know, but at least he can sort of sing a bit. On Saturday Ben was in the final two of X Factor. And Ray wasn’t. That would usually be enough for us to go searching our noose cupboard for the best fit, were it not for the continued success of Leona Lewis, who is as boring as an envelope encyclopedia but can also sort of sing a bit. Leona’s going to win X Factor. Surely. Right?

Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis…

We're getting to the point of X Factor where all the awful acts have gone, and only the very best remain. Only that's not the case at all - so long as Ray and The MacDonald Brothers stay in X Factor, it'll still have its share of joke performers. And the joke acts seem to be slowly edging out the decent X Factor performers, which is even more bewildering. Take Ben Mills for example - yes he looks like he'd be a horrible tosser to know, but at least he can sort of sing a bit. On Saturday Ben was in the final two of X Factor. And Ray wasn't. That would usually be enough for us to go searching our noose cupboard for the best fit, were it not for the continued success of Leona Lewis, who is as boring as an envelope encyclopedia but can also sort of sing a bit. Leona's going to win X Factor. Surely. Right? Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis...
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Nicole Kidman Wants A Baby… Or Else

by Stuart Heritage

Just because her cowboy husband has wound up in rehab, it doesn’t mean that Nicole Kidman’s biological clock has quietened down any – in fact you can probably hear it tick-tocking away now if you hush up and concentrate hard enough.

Adding weight to all the speculation that Nicole Kidman is in fact completely pregnant with Keith Urban’s baby, Nicole Kidman has waded in with a set of choice comments about how she wants to go and live on a desert island with her giant family instead of making films forever. It looks like Nicole Kidman’s got her future pretty much sewn up; and let’s hope that all the children of this union will be blessed with Nicole’s near-transparent skin and Keith’s predilection for getting wankered on booze as often as humanly possible.

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