Article Archive for November 2006
It was hardly a huge surprise to see Claire King get eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday - we had wondered when the middle-aged male pervert vote would get over-powered by people actually voting for dancing quality and now we know.
On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing Claire King somehow managed to perform her worst dance yet; she spent the entirety of her routine jerking around like a crash test dummy in a baby seat, and the judges scolded it for her. But now, free of having to dance every single weekend, Claire King can go ahead and return to being the slutty-looking woman who used to be on Emmerdale, while her Strictly Come Dancing partner Brendan Cole can go around being irritatingly sleazy to everyone he meets at times other than when we're trying to eat our tea.
But who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Carol Smillie, Matt Dawson and Emma Bunton...
One of the perks of being famous is that you can dress however the hell you want, and within weeks you'll see a fleet of kids copying your look from head to toe - and this is something that upsets animal rights group PETA greatly.
PETA is worried that youngsters of today will see Nicole Richie on TV and - instead of the immediate "Holy Jesus, she's so thin! Surely that's not normal!" response that Nicole Richie tends to get when people see her - become so awe-struck about what she's wearing that they'll rush out and copy her. Since Nicole Richie tends to wear a lot of fur these days, PETA has become so riled that it has named Nicole Richie the Worst-Dressed Celebrity In The World. All this despite the fact that only one poorly squirrel was skinned to create all 25 pieces of outerwear in Nicole Richie's freakishly tiny wardrobe.
Just when you thought that this whole kerfuffle about Madonna sneaking into Malawi at night and making off with a baby - or something - had died down, a judge in Malawi has decided that Madonna better get ready to fight for him in court.
Ever since Madonna took baby David Banda back to England to see if his new wardrobe of unsettling leotards fitted properly, a coalition of 67 Human Rights groups had been waiting to see if a court would allow them to proceed with a legal challenge against Madonna's adoption, and today the presiding judge ruled that they're free to put the legal challenge into action. The good news for the Human Rights groups is that they're only limited to legal challenges, and it's just as well - in a physical challenge they would stand a chance. We saw Madonna's concert on TV this weekend, and Madonna totally Tai-Boed like 20 dancers in the face during the breakdown of Sorry.
Lord Of The Rings fans everywhere spent last week crying and cuddling their special limited edition seven-hour extended Return Of The King DVD boxsets extra hard, all because Peter Jackson had been ruled out of directing the Hobbit movies.
But it turns out that all this spoddy anguish may have been misplaced to begin with. Although Peter Jackson said that New Line didn't want him to direct two Lord Of The Rings prequelling Hobbit movies, he didn't say what would happen if any other studios wanted to make a Hobbit movie or two. And guess what? It's expected that New Line will lose the movie rights to The Hobbit next year, at which point MGM wants to snap them up and get Peter Jackson onboard to direct the Hobbit movie that the fans clearly want - a million-hour-long Hobbit spectacular starring Peter Jackson as all the characters from The Hobbit with CGI hand-drawn by Peter Jackson and sound effects all done by Peter Jackson's mouth like that bloke out of Police Academy used to do.
As far as women who like pube-haired boys who dance like girls go, Justin Timberlake sure is a catch, and there are probably dozens of lonely women who want to spike his drink with Rohypnol and rush him up the aisle while he's still woozy.
Unfortunately for those women, Justin Timberlake is already taken. And the woman who has taken him is Cameron Diaz - and Cameron never ever ever wants to get married to Justin Timberlake, not at all, no way, not if he was the last man on Earth. Cameron Diaz is serious - she's even been on TV to explain just how little she wants to marry Justin Timberlake. At least, you know, until she has it in writing that Justin's going to stop wearing those rubbish waistcoats and singing like he's been smacked in the balls with a cricket bat, but that's as good as never.
30 Rock - the shorter, funnier version of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip - needs all the help it can get right now to stop it from getting axed; but whether or not one of its stars getting arrested for drink-driving counts as 'help' remains to be seen.
Tracy Morgan - the former crack-dealer turned Saturday Night Live regular turned drink driver turned sitcom star who plays an uncomfortably close version of himself on 30 Rock - was arrested in New York yesterday for drink-driving. It's unknown how Tracy Morgan's drink-driving arrest will affect the outcome of the ratings battle between 30 Rock and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, but let's not worry too much - in the unlikely event that Tracy Morgan ends up in jail and a new series of 30 Rock is commissioned over Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, then perhaps 30 Rock can draft in Studio 60's token black character Simon Stiles as a replacement.
OK - let's say that you're a high-profile rapper with a new album out, and you seem to keep getting arrested all the time. Chances are you'd probably clear all the marijuana, guns and cocaine out from your car to stop it happening again, right?
Try telling that to Snoop Dogg, who appears to be gunning for a place in the Guinness Book Of Records under the category Most Arrests For All Sorts Of Dumb Shit In An Unbelievably Small Period Of Time. That's right - even though Snoop Dogg has been arrested approximately a gazillion times over the last few weeks for all sorts of weapons and drug offences, he's at it again. Last night Snoop Dogg was arrested yet again when police found a gun, some marijuana and some cocaine in his car outside a TV studio. Don't write Snoop Dogg off yet, though - there's still a whole month left of 2006, and that's plenty of time for him to get arrested another 732 times - 733 if he lets down the tyres of a police car on the way out of the police station - before the year is out.
So after four - thankfully amatuer sex tape-free - months of marriage, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced; but what could have possibly come between two such obviously level-headed pillars of society?
Perhaps Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing because they haven't been able to find any quality time to share with each other because of their heavy commitments to writing confusing online diaries, waggling their boobies around and watching WWE wrestling in their underwear on their confederate flag-print sofa while eating beans from a tin balanced on their bellies. Or perhaps - just perhaps - they're getting divorced because Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in the new Borat movie and, instead of laughing at the funny foreigner like everyone else, decided to angrily bellow that she was a "whore" and a "slut" in front of a crowd of people.
