Posts from November, 2006

As far as women who like pube-haired boys who dance like girls go, Justin Timberlake sure is a catch, and there are probably dozens of lonely women who want to spike his drink with Rohypnol and rush him up the aisle while he's still woozy.

Unfortunately for those women, Justin Timberlake is already taken. And the woman who has taken him is Cameron Diaz - and Cameron never ever ever wants to get married to Justin Timberlake, not at all, no way, not if he was the last man on Earth. Cameron Diaz is serious - she's even been on TV to explain just how little she wants to marry Justin Timberlake. At least, you know, until she has it in writing that Justin's going to stop wearing those rubbish waistcoats and singing like he's been smacked in the balls with a cricket bat, but that's as good as never.

Read the rest of this entry »

30 Rock - the shorter, funnier version of Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip - needs all the help it can get right now to stop it from getting axed; but whether or not one of its stars getting arrested for drink-driving counts as 'help' remains to be seen.

Tracy Morgan - the former crack-dealer turned Saturday Night Live regular turned drink driver turned sitcom star who plays an uncomfortably close version of himself on 30 Rock - was arrested in New York yesterday for drink-driving. It's unknown how Tracy Morgan's drink-driving arrest will affect the outcome of the ratings battle between 30 Rock and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, but let's not worry too much - in the unlikely event that Tracy Morgan ends up in jail and a new series of 30 Rock is commissioned over Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip, then perhaps 30 Rock can draft in Studio 60's token black character Simon Stiles as a replacement. 

Read the rest of this entry »

OK - let's say that you're a high-profile rapper with a new album out, and you seem to keep getting arrested all the time. Chances are you'd probably clear all the marijuana, guns and cocaine out from your car to stop it happening again, right?

Try telling that to Snoop Dogg, who appears to be gunning for a place in the Guinness Book Of Records under the category Most Arrests For All Sorts Of Dumb Shit In An Unbelievably Small Period Of Time. That's right - even though Snoop Dogg has been arrested approximately a gazillion times over the last few weeks for all sorts of weapons and drug offences, he's at it again. Last night Snoop Dogg was arrested yet again when police found a gun, some marijuana and some cocaine in his car outside a TV studio. Don't write Snoop Dogg off yet, though - there's still a whole month left of 2006, and that's plenty of time for him to get arrested another 732 times - 733 if he lets down the tyres of a police car on the way out of the police station - before the year is out.

Read the rest of this entry »

So after four - thankfully amatuer sex tape-free - months of marriage, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced; but what could have possibly come between two such obviously level-headed pillars of society?

Perhaps Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are divorcing because they haven't been able to find any quality time to share with each other because of their heavy commitments to writing confusing online diaries, waggling their boobies around and watching WWE wrestling in their underwear on their confederate flag-print sofa while eating beans from a tin balanced on their bellies. Or perhaps - just perhaps - they're getting divorced because Kid Rock saw Pamela Anderson in the new Borat movie and, instead of laughing at the funny foreigner like everyone else, decided to angrily bellow that she was a "whore" and a "slut" in front of a crowd of people.

Read the rest of this entry »

Family Feud is what Americans call Family Fortunes,
the gameshow where gonklike TV goon Vernon Kay asks some families some
question and does the impossible by making people feel nostalgic for
Les Dennis.

But this isn't Family Fortunes or Family Feud, it's Family Feud 2 - which is probably quite a lot different somehow. If you've ever watched Family Fortunes or Family Feud, you'll know how to play Family Feuds 2.
100 people are asked a question, and you have to guess all the
different dumbass ways that they answered. For an online game based on
a TV show, Family Feuds 2 is surprisingly immersive - there
are around 2,000 questions to answer and more game modes than you can
swing a cat at. Beat The Average, Head-To-Head with a computer - or
even go multiplayer if you're allowed to keep someone else in your tiny
cubicle without raising the supervisor's suspicions. As far as we know,
nobody says "if it's there I'll give you the money myself" during Family Feuds 2, but don't let that put you off. Family Feud 2 has all the fun of Family Fortunes without any of the nasty downsides, like finding out what Lee Ryan's family looks like.

Order Family Feud 2 Now

Download Family Feud

Remember when ITV first launched that Quizmania programme, and how it seemed like the greatest (albeit sleep-depriving) entertainment feast that had ever splashed across your glowing telly box?

And then do you remember how every other TV channel in the world decided to launch their own alternative - with names like Quiz Call or Quizzy-Quiz Ring Ring or Phone Our Quiz Immediately, You Utter Fucking Plebs - and the whole concept instantly became as tedious and unexciting as a Babyshambles CD?

We do. And we're angry about it.

Luckily, however - in the most incidental way possible - it seems that we're not alone. Other people have been getting mightily annoyed about the Quiz TV phenomenon… especially the face that each and every 'competition' phone call is:

a) roughly as expensive as a Gold-And-Moondust Pie, and

b) about as likely to 'win' - or even 'be answered' - as Gary Glitter knocking on the door of his local primary school.

Read the rest of this entry »

We're getting to the point of X Factor where all the awful acts have gone, and only the very best remain. Only that's not the case at all - so long as Ray and The MacDonald Brothers stay in X Factor, it'll still have its share of joke performers.

And the joke acts seem to be slowly edging out the decent X Factor performers, which is even more bewildering. Take Ben Mills for example - yes he looks like he'd be a horrible tosser to know, but at least he can sort of sing a bit. On Saturday Ben was in the final two of X Factor. And Ray wasn't. That would usually be enough for us to go searching our noose cupboard for the best fit, were it not for the continued success of Leona Lewis, who is as boring as an envelope encyclopedia but can also sort of sing a bit. Leona's going to win X Factor. Surely. Right?

Here come the X Factor betting odds for Leona Lewis…

Read the rest of this entry »

Just because her cowboy husband has wound up in rehab, it doesn't mean that Nicole Kidman's biological clock has quietened down any - in fact you can probably hear it tick-tocking away now if you hush up and concentrate hard enough.

Adding weight to all the speculation that Nicole Kidman is in fact completely pregnant with Keith Urban's baby, Nicole Kidman has waded in with a set of choice comments about how she wants to go and live on a desert island with her giant family instead of making films forever. It looks like Nicole Kidman's got her future pretty much sewn up; and let's hope that all the children  of this union will be blessed with Nicole's near-transparent skin and Keith's predilection for getting wankered on booze as often as humanly possible.

Read the rest of this entry »

Over the last eight years, Austin indie noiseniks …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead have consistently released some of the most gut-punchingly heavy indie these ears have ever heard, and they show no sign of letting up.

…And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead's last album World's Apart was picked by one hecklerspray scribe as being the best CD of 2005, and the band's new album So Divided has already been described as "the finest piece of rock n' roll you're likely to hear from the cradle to the grave."By us. And how did …And You Will Know us By The Trail Of Dead choose to reciprocate all this feeling for them? By sending band member Conrad Keely over to answer some questions about the potential danger of flying albinos, that's how…

Read the rest of this entry »

The Eagles Of Death Metal are The Darkness that it's OK to like, mostly because their singer doesn't have a face like a badger's testicle and their songs aren't all about how funny genitals are - but try telling that to Guns N' Roses.

Right now Guns N' Roses are on a three-week tour of America, where they'll try and convince a number of people that they exist before they release that album of theirs that's been put off forever. When the tour was announced, The Eagles Of Death Metal were down as the band's support act - a set-up that only lasted for one show and ended with an arena full of confused, possibly heavily mulleted rednecks and a fairly narked Axl Rose calling the band The Pigeons Of Shit Metal. Clever boy, our Axl.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Rolling Stones have a collective age of around one million years, but while most old folks are content to watch Sudo-Q before having a lovely dip in their walk-in bath, The Rolling Stones prefer to spend their time making shedloads of tour money.

Billboard magazine has named The Rolling Stones' A Bigger Bang world tour as the highest-grossing tour in history, earning $437 million so far. Now the big question is what the Rolling Stones will spend all that tour money on - we're guessing it'll all be handed over to a crack team of Swiss scientists who'll can transplant the elderly Rolling Stones brains into special musical robots with saggy latex faces which can go out on tour for them next time, leaving the band to get up to more age-appropriate activities like putting the TV on full volume, forgetting the names of their relatives and occasionally wetting themselves.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes we wish we we were part of the LA celebutante scene, but we've never had a failed recording contract or a doltish reality TV show and we've never sucked off a man on tape, so we're not sure of where we'd stand in the general hierarchy.

But, oh, if we were in the close-knit circle of pointless, vapid, responsibility-free, lazy-eyed Los Angeles celebutantes, then we'd know exactly what was going on between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton at the moment. And we'd probably also have better tits. Anyway, according to reports, Lindsay Lohan is claiming that Britney Spears' new best friend Paris Hilton hit her at a party. Or perhaps she didn't. Regardless of what exactly happened between Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears at the weekend, we're sure that a good old-fashioned mud-wrestle will go at least some way to repairing whatever damage has been caused so far.

Read the rest of this entry »