From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Angelina Jolie Looks At Some Refugees In India

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie has been in India for quite some time now, and while she’s been indulging in some of her interests like making films and being chased by photographers, Angelina Jolie hadn’t done the thing most people thought she would.

It was always going to be a matter of time until Angelina Jolie realised that India was big and hot and full of desperately poor people and then decided to go and take a bit of a look around. Over the weekend Angelina Jolie toured a refugee camp in New Delhi as part of her role as a United Nations ambassador to see the conditions that refugees from Afghanistan and Burma live in on a day to day basis, and also to totally call dibs on all of the refugees children just in case Madonna got there first and started adopting them up before Angelina had a chance to work out which one looked the saddest.

Angelina Jolie has been in India for quite some time now, and while she's been indulging in some of her interests like making films and being chased by photographers, Angelina Jolie hadn't done the thing most people thought she would. It was always going to be a matter of time until Angelina Jolie realised that India was big and hot and full of desperately poor people and then decided to go and take a bit of a look around. Over the weekend Angelina Jolie toured a refugee camp in New Delhi as part of her role as a United Nations ambassador to see the conditions that refugees from Afghanistan and Burma live in on a day to day basis, and also to totally call dibs on all of the refugees children just in case Madonna got there first and started adopting them up before Angelina had a chance to work out which one looked the saddest.
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Paul McCartney ‘Buys Linda McCartney Abusey Tapes’

by Stuart Heritage

One of the more unlikely aspects of the nasty divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills is the claim that Paul McCartney used to abuse his first wife Linda – and not just by singing Mull Of Kintyre to her now and again, either.

Sort of half backing up these claims possibly a bit were the existence of Linda McCartney’s audio diary tapes – tapes where Linda McCartney alternated between thinking up delicious things to do with parsnips and apparently crying her eyes out about all the horrible stuff that Paul McCartney made her do, like sing on Helen Wheels or something. In fact nobody knows exactly what is contained within the Linda McCartney tapes and now they probably never will – Paul McCartney has reportedly bought the tapes for £200,000 during a secret meeting in a London branch of Eat. Which sounds like a lot of money, but Paul McCartney was in Eat, where a smoothie, a prepacked sandwich and some slices of apple in a little plastic bag cost about six times that amount.

One of the more unlikely aspects of the nasty divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills is the claim that Paul McCartney used to abuse his first wife Linda - and not just by singing Mull Of Kintyre to her now and again, either. Sort of half backing up these claims possibly a bit were the existence of Linda McCartney's audio diary tapes - tapes where Linda McCartney alternated between thinking up delicious things to do with parsnips and apparently crying her eyes out about all the horrible stuff that Paul McCartney made her do, like sing on Helen Wheels or something. In fact nobody knows exactly what is contained within the Linda McCartney tapes and now they probably never will - Paul McCartney has reportedly bought the tapes for £200,000 during a secret meeting in a London branch of Eat. Which sounds like a lot of money, but Paul McCartney was in Eat, where a smoothie, a prepacked sandwich and some slices of apple in a little plastic bag cost about six times that amount.
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Borat Says Yakshimash To US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Who’d have thought that the sight of two men – one of whom had previously shown a bag of his faeces to a dinner guest – wrestling naked in a hotel convention hall would be so popular at the US weekend box office?

Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan is the number one movie at the US weekend box office this week, a feat made all the more impressive since the average money that each cinema took from screenings of Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan was around as much as the rest of the US weekend box office top ten combined. Not bad for a movie that’s basically about how dumb some Americans are.

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Madonna: Blah Blah Adoption Blah Blah Media Etc

by Stuart Heritage

In Madonna’s head, chances are the fearless way she went to Malawi for three seconds, did a bit of a dance in front of some kids and brought one back to England should be congratulated, or at least rewarded with some kind of sparkly crown.

That hasn’t really happened, though – in reality the majority of people think that the way a faddish career-minded middle-aged celebrity like Madonna, who spends a great deal of time jet-setting around the world, jumping on the faddish bandwagon for adopting African babies with seemingly scant regard for international adoption laws probably could have been a bit more though through. Madonna, though, is determined to put this whole kerfuffle about the adoption of David Banda to bed. And it seems to be working; by blaming the media for the public reaction to her adoption again in another interview again, Madonna has ensured that most people are so sick of hearing about Madonna and adoption and Malawi and David Banda that they’d rather go outside and try to un-jam their lawnmower with their genitalia than think about it any more.

In Madonna's head, chances are the fearless way she went to Malawi for three seconds, did a bit of a dance in front of some kids and brought one back to England should be congratulated, or at least rewarded with some kind of sparkly crown. That hasn't really happened, though - in reality the majority of people think that the way a faddish career-minded middle-aged celebrity like Madonna, who spends a great deal of time jet-setting around the world, jumping on the faddish bandwagon for adopting African babies with seemingly scant regard for international adoption laws probably could have been a bit more though through. Madonna, though, is determined to put this whole kerfuffle about the adoption of David Banda to bed. And it seems to be working; by blaming the media for the public reaction to her adoption again in another interview again, Madonna has ensured that most people are so sick of hearing about Madonna and adoption and Malawi and David Banda that they'd rather go outside and try to un-jam their lawnmower with their genitalia than think about it any more.
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SLACKERJACK – Cursor Run

by Stuart Heritage

In life, you don’t always get want you want. Sometimes people get jobs over you just because they went to school or already know how to fly a plane or didn’t accidentally drop a baby in a swimming pool, and it isn’t fair.

And even in the online world you can’t always get what you want. Unless you want porn or dodgy self-diagnosis websites, of course. But we digress – Cursor Run is this situation in microcosm. Cursor Run is basically a race where you have to shove your cursor into a circle before a computer-controlled cursor beats you to it. And that’s it. While it sounds like Cursor Run will give you about ten seconds of fun, it’s actually maddeningly addictive. Once you’ve played Cursor Run for a while, you start to take on hawk-like tendencies. Your senses sharpen to the point that you can see the end circle emerging from the ether right from the get-go, and your wrist swoops in on it like a pikey at the New Look sale. Without a doubt, Cursor Run is the best way we’ve ever contracted debilatating RSI in our wrists and eyes.

Play Cursor Run now

In life, you don't always get want you want. Sometimes people get jobs over you just because they went to school or already know how to fly a plane or didn't accidentally drop a baby in a swimming pool, and it isn't fair. And even in the online world you can't always get what you want. Unless you want porn or dodgy self-diagnosis websites, of course. But we digress - Cursor Run is this situation in microcosm. Cursor Run is basically a race where you have to shove your cursor into a circle before a computer-controlled cursor beats you to it. And that's it. While it sounds like Cursor Run will give you about ten seconds of fun, it's actually maddeningly addictive. Once you've played Cursor Run for a while, you start to take on hawk-like tendencies. Your senses sharpen to the point that you can see the end circle emerging from the ether right from the get-go, and your wrist swoops in on it like a pikey at the New Look sale. Without a doubt, Cursor Run is the best way we've ever contracted debilatating RSI in our wrists and eyes. Play Cursor Run now
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Celebrity Haiku Competition: ‘Lesbian’ Katie Melua

by C J Davies

Boy, have we got a special treat for you.

As well as providing you with our regular Celebrity Haiku Competition – officially the only reason to go anywhere near a computer on a Monday – we’re delighted to announce the subject we’re covering this week: one that may or may not (depending on your level of perversity) provide you with enough ‘mental filofax’ material to see out the entire winter.

You know that TASTY little Katie Melua bird, right? PHWOAR, eh? She’s a BIT OF ALRIGHT and no mistake! Well, hecklerspray was talking to our News Of The World-reading mates (Gaz, Daz and Baz; all respected employees of Plebeian Cowboy Tiling Ltd) and they only went and told us that she’s a bloody LEZZA!

Allegedly.

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X Factor Betting Odds: Ashley Out, Who’s Going To Win?

by Stuart Heritage

Ah the old X Factor shock result, how we missed you. Not since Maria Lawson was slung off X Factor before her time last year has there been an elimination more hotly disputed than when Ashley McKenzie was voted out on Saturday.

Possibly because of his weird compulsion to mime each word of the lyrics to The Winner Takes It All like a See Hear reporter with an afro, or possibly as a result of the mental “You’re gay,” “No, YOU’RE gay” spat between Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh all through Saturday’s X Factor, or even possibly because Kate Thornton can’t seem to be able to remember that she’s meant to be an impartial voice as a host, Ashley McKenzie lost the X Factor sing-off over the weekend and won’t been seen on X Factor ever again until the compulsory X Factor tour next year when thousands of spectators will simultaneously mumble “Ashley Who? Oh, the kid with the giant hair,” when his name gets announced.

But now that Ashley McKenzie has been voted off X Factor, which remaining contestant will go on to win the show? Here’s part one of this week’s X Factor betting odds, for The MacDonald Brothers, Nikitta Angus and Robert Allen…

Ah the old X Factor shock result, how we missed you. Not since Maria Lawson was slung off X Factor before her time last year has there been an elimination more hotly disputed than when Ashley McKenzie was voted out on Saturday. Possibly because of his weird compulsion to mime each word of the lyrics to The Winner Takes It All like a See Hear reporter with an afro, or possibly as a result of the mental "You're gay," "No, YOU'RE gay" spat between Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh all through Saturday's X Factor, or even possibly because Kate Thornton can't seem to be able to remember that she's meant to be an impartial voice as a host, Ashley McKenzie lost the X Factor sing-off over the weekend and won't been seen on X Factor ever again until the compulsory X Factor tour next year when thousands of spectators will simultaneously mumble "Ashley Who? Oh, the kid with the giant hair," when his name gets announced. But now that Ashley McKenzie has been voted off X Factor, which remaining contestant will go on to win the show? Here's part one of this week's X Factor betting odds, for The MacDonald Brothers, Nikitta Angus and Robert Allen...
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Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

When you woke this morning, what was the first thing you did? You got a gun, right?

Folded:

* Ben Affleck: Mark 2 (soon to be a whole ‘nother kind of Superman. Watch your back, Matt…)
* Homemade cake (if you haven’t tried any recently, get somebody to make you one. If you don’t have anybody, perhaps substitute the word ‘cake’ for ‘sex-toy’ instead)
* Ads for Casino Royale (it keeps on looking ace, we all keep on expecting the earth; bloodied and decently acted for once)
* Michael J Fox not acting the shake, mate (give the guy a break, people. Nobody remember Back to the Future? The Hard Way? Spin City even? We still love the guy!)
* Light mornings, dark nights (at least now you can feel like getting out of bed in the morning, and you can knock off the day earlier)

Creased:

* Blockbuster: not exactly busting on the special offers (two dvd rental and some worthless confectionery for a tenner? Hopeless)
* Bonfire night (or fireworks, Guy Fawkes, whatever you want to call it. It’s noisy and, whoever you are; you’re far too old to find things that go bang exciting. Unless you do the explosions in movies or kill people with a beret on)
* The Departed (baffling narrative, baffling tone, baffling acting, baffling execution. Or maybe a future comedy classic, it’s too early to tell)
* Bob Dylan (oh, what is it this week? His shit musical, that’ll do)
* Halloween hype (like Christmas, you spend weeks talking about the build up. You toy with the idea of having a party, or at least going into town wearing a Scream mask. But in the end you do nothing. You stare at Google’s mocked-up spooky logo and tell yourself, “I’ll definitely do something next year”)

When you woke this morning, what was the first thing you did? You got a gun, right? Folded: * Ben Affleck: Mark 2 (soon to be a whole ‘nother kind of Superman. Watch your back, Matt…) * Homemade cake (if you haven’t tried any recently, get somebody to make you one. If you don’t have anybody, perhaps substitute the word ‘cake’ for 'sex-toy’ instead) * Ads for Casino Royale (it keeps on looking ace, we all keep on expecting the earth; bloodied and decently acted for once) * Michael J Fox not acting the shake, mate (give the guy a break, people. Nobody remember Back to the Future? The Hard Way? Spin City even? We still love the guy!) * Light mornings, dark nights (at least now you can feel like getting out of bed in the morning, and you can knock off the day earlier) Creased: * Blockbuster: not exactly busting on the special offers (two dvd rental and some worthless confectionery for a tenner? Hopeless) * Bonfire night (or fireworks, Guy Fawkes, whatever you want to call it. It’s noisy and, whoever you are; you’re far too old to find things that go bang exciting. Unless you do the explosions in movies or kill people with a beret on) * The Departed (baffling narrative, baffling tone, baffling acting, baffling execution. Or maybe a future comedy classic, it’s too early to tell) * Bob Dylan (oh, what is it this week? His shit musical, that’ll do) * Halloween hype (like Christmas, you spend weeks talking about the build up. You toy with the idea of having a party, or at least going into town wearing a Scream mask. But in the end you do nothing. You stare at Google’s mocked-up spooky logo and tell yourself, "I’ll definitely do something next year")
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CD Review: The Charlatans, Forever – The Singles

by Stuart Heritage

Remember a few years ago when The Charlatans were known as ‘everyone’s fourth-favourite band’? That’s a title The Charlatans must wish they still had – two underperforming albums on the trot and they’re a band that’re down on their uppers.

And that’s why The Charlatans have opened The Big Book Of Get Out Of Jail Cards For Indie Bands at page one and followed its most important instruction: when in doubt, chuck out a Greatest Hits in time for Christmas. And that’s how The Charlatans got to Forever – The Singles; their way to wipe the slate clean and to remind everyone what a great band The Charlatans are. Were. Are. Were. Are? Were? Were.

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Snoop Dogg Charged For Massive Weapon/ Plane ‘Mix-Up’

by Stuart Heritage

You’re not allowed to take anything onto aeroplanes these days, are you? Not hair gel, not make-up, not contact lens solution and – as Snoop Dogg is finding out – not collapsible 21-inch police batons. It’s political correctness gone mad.

After it spent ages deliberating whether or not a collapsible 21-inch police baton constituted a lethal weapon, the Orange County police force has now decided that, yes, a collapsible 21-inch police baton probably was quite a dangerous thing for Snoop Dogg to try and take onto a plane and have issued an arrest warrant for Snoop Dogg. If he’s found guilty Snoop Dogg faces up to three years in jail, meaning that he’d miss out on approximately six hundred million billion jillion lucrative spots guest-rapping on other people’s records, if he was to keep up his current rate.

You're not allowed to take anything onto aeroplanes these days, are you? Not hair gel, not make-up, not contact lens solution and - as Snoop Dogg is finding out - not collapsible 21-inch police batons. It's political correctness gone mad. After it spent ages deliberating whether or not a collapsible 21-inch police baton constituted a lethal weapon, the Orange County police force has now decided that, yes, a collapsible 21-inch police baton probably was quite a dangerous thing for Snoop Dogg to try and take onto a plane and have issued an arrest warrant for Snoop Dogg. If he's found guilty Snoop Dogg faces up to three years in jail, meaning that he'd miss out on approximately six hundred million billion jillion lucrative spots guest-rapping on other people's records, if he was to keep up his current rate.
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