From the monthly archives:

November 2006

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Nazi Art Auction Balls-Up

by Stuart Heritage

Andrew Lloyd Webber has a lot to answer for – primarily being so relentlessly creepy throughout How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria than we had to take a potato peeler to our skin just to feel a bit less dirty for watching it.

But – when he isn’t phoning girls up, waggling his eyebrows around like some kind of smug, mega-wealthy amphibian and saying “Hello, it’s Andrew Lloyd Webber” like he’s fully expecting the person on the other end of the phone to explode with delight at hearing those words – Andrew Lloyd Webber has problems like the rest of us. Problems like the auction of his $60 million Picasso-painted portrait of Angel Fernandez de Soto being halted because the Nazis might have forced its original owner to sell it during World War II. Well OK, maybe not the exact problems as the rest of us…

Andrew Lloyd Webber has a lot to answer for - primarily being so relentlessly creepy throughout How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria than we had to take a potato peeler to our skin just to feel a bit less dirty for watching it. But - when he isn't phoning girls up, waggling his eyebrows around like some kind of smug, mega-wealthy amphibian and saying "Hello, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber" like he's fully expecting the person on the other end of the phone to explode with delight at hearing those words - Andrew Lloyd Webber has problems like the rest of us. Problems like the auction of his $60 million Picasso-painted portrait of Angel Fernandez de Soto being halted because the Nazis might have forced its original owner to sell it during World War II. Well OK, maybe not the exact problems as the rest of us...
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Britney Spears Sex Tape: Case Dismissed

by Stuart Heritage

The Britney Spears sex tape is, to many different variety of pervert, the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to watch shaky footage of a redneck mother of two banging her lanky bad-haired husband?

Up until recently, though, nobody was allowed to mention the rumoured existence of a Britney Spears sex tape, because Britney Spears was getting a bit handy with the old libel lawsuits. However, the judge presiding over the defamation lawsuit between Britney Spears and Us Weekly – which printed an article about a Britney Spears sex video – has thrown the case out of court. Why? Because Britney Spears is just naturally so dang sexy and has sold 60 million records by looking as if she’d let you hop into the sack with her quite easily, that’s why.

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Kirstie Alley Takes Off Most of Her Clothes For Some Reason

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are you haven’t cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but – by God – that hasn’t stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she’s had a drink.

Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 – 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who’s Talking – was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple – it’s because Kirstie Alley isn’t quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that’s something that’s best left not thought about.

Chances are you haven't cared or thought about Kirstie Alley for upwards of half a decade but - by God - that hasn't stopped her strutting about in a bikini on Oprah like your terrifying old auntie does when she's had a drink. Why has 55-year-old Kirstie Alley decided that 2006 - 13 years after Cheers finished and 17 years since she made Look Who's Talking - was the right time to go on Oprah and take most of her clothes off? Simple - it's because Kirstie Alley isn't quite as fat as she used to be. And for that reason alone, Kirstie Alley chose to go and see Oprah Winfrey while dressed in a bikini. Kirstie Alley better not have given Oprah Winfrey any ideas by doing this, since at the rate that Oprah Winfrey gains and loses weight, Oprah would end up presenting every fourth episode in a bikini, and that's something that's best left not thought about.
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Hilary Duff Almost Murdered By Stalker, But Then Wasn’t

by Shawn Lindseth

Three long years hecklerspray was desperate for a stalker. We wanted one for self validation, we wanted one for adoration, and – most importantly – we wanted a chump for our very expensive body guard to elbow in the face. Seriously, we pay him like $7 an hour and all he ever does is open doors and hold our umbrella.

So imagine our pain then, when we found out today that that ungrateful little Hilary Duff gets a stalker all her own – and she doesn’t even want one! What did she do to deserve it? She sings a handful of mediocre tunes, did some gum commercials with her sister, looks kinda chubby in jeans – all stuff we’d done way before her!

And did we get a death threat out of it?! No! Hilary Duff did though. Boy oh boy, did she ever!

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Snoop Dogg Turns Himself In Over Plane Bludgeon Rap

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone’s tried to sneak things onto planes before, be it a hidden pot of hair gel, a sneaky extra kilogram of hand luggage or a 21-inch telescopic metal police baton used to cause blunt force trauma injuries on your many foes.

Snoop Dogg knows all about this last one, since it’s been causing him all kinds of problems lately. Since Snoop Dogg tried to take the baton onto a plane in an Orange County airport in September, he’s had nothing but trouble from it. After he was formally charged with possession of a deadly weapon last week, Snoop Dogg yesterday turned himself into authorities to be booked and has been released on bail for $150,000. From this we can gather that Snoop Dogg isn’t the biggest RPG fan – everyone knows that a club-style weapon can be easily defeated by a footman’s crossbow, wire whip or Almighty Globe Of Thunder. Maybe Snoop Dogg should think about taking one of those onboard a plane next time, for then he would truly become the Grand Master Of People Who Rap In The Middle Of Pussycat Dolls Records All The Time.

Everyone's tried to sneak things onto planes before, be it a hidden pot of hair gel, a sneaky extra kilogram of hand luggage or a 21-inch telescopic metal police baton used to cause blunt force trauma injuries on your many foes. Snoop Dogg knows all about this last one, since it's been causing him all kinds of problems lately. Since Snoop Dogg tried to take the baton onto a plane in an Orange County airport in September, he's had nothing but trouble from it. After he was formally charged with possession of a deadly weapon last week, Snoop Dogg yesterday turned himself into authorities to be booked and has been released on bail for $150,000. From this we can gather that Snoop Dogg isn't the biggest RPG fan - everyone knows that a club-style weapon can be easily defeated by a footman's crossbow, wire whip or Almighty Globe Of Thunder. Maybe Snoop Dogg should think about taking one of those onboard a plane next time, for then he would truly become the Grand Master Of People Who Rap In The Middle Of Pussycat Dolls Records All The Time.
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SLACKERJACK: Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit

by Stuart Heritage

Usually a Slackerjack is a game that you can pick up in minutes, but need to concentrate on to fully master. Today, though, is different. Today we’re giving you Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit.

Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit is a sort of musical tool that imagines a future where human beings communicate solely via the medium of bleepy music and twattish dancing thanks to technologically advanced clothes. Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit works a lot like those music generators that everyone seems to have on their mobile phones these days. You click a box, play with a few sliders and Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit follows your every command. Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit is a tool with we’ve been dicking about for hours, and yet we can only make Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit clomp around like a drama school ninny. If you can somehow force Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit into moving with any kind of grace, be sure to let us know how.

Play Pjotro – The Man With The Musical Suit now

Usually a Slackerjack is a game that you can pick up in minutes, but need to concentrate on to fully master. Today, though, is different. Today we're giving you Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit. Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit is a sort of musical tool that imagines a future where human beings communicate solely via the medium of bleepy music and twattish dancing thanks to technologically advanced clothes. Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit works a lot like those music generators that everyone seems to have on their mobile phones these days. You click a box, play with a few sliders and Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit follows your every command. Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit is a tool with we've been dicking about for hours, and yet we can only make Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit clomp around like a drama school ninny. If you can somehow force Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit into moving with any kind of grace, be sure to let us know how. Play Pjotro - The Man With The Musical Suit now
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Elton John’s Big Effing Record Sales Huff

by Stuart Heritage

Elton John. National institution, right? This is a role Elton John gained by shouting at his servants while wearing tennis shorts, inventing James Blunt, being somewhat wiggy and being the angriest millionaire alive – but for singing?

Not really. Elton John had a new album out recently, called The Captain And The Kid. Chances are you’ve not heard a single note of music from it, though, because it has approximately sold no copies whatsoever. And this angers Elton John greatly. In Elton John’s head, it should be songs from The Captain And The Kid that people remember Elton John for and not that song about the baby lion or the song about Billy Elliot being electrocuted. And – to let people know just how angry he is that nobody’s bought his new album – Elton John launched into a full-on pottymouth extravaganza at a recent concert, spitting out 15 “fuck”s in a minute, some of which were directed at his record label, who he asked to fire him. Records show that this was the angriest Elton John had been since three minutes before the concert when a hand towel he was using wasn’t quite as fluffy as he’d have liked.

Elton John. National institution, right? This is a role Elton John gained by shouting at his servants while wearing tennis shorts, inventing James Blunt, being somewhat wiggy and being the angriest millionaire alive - but for singing? Not really. Elton John had a new album out recently, called The Captain And The Kid. Chances are you've not heard a single note of music from it, though, because it has approximately sold no copies whatsoever. And this angers Elton John greatly. In Elton John's head, it should be songs from The Captain And The Kid that people remember Elton John for and not that song about the baby lion or the song about Billy Elliot being electrocuted. And - to let people know just how angry he is that nobody's bought his new album - Elton John launched into a full-on pottymouth extravaganza at a recent concert, spitting out 15 "fuck"s in a minute, some of which were directed at his record label, who he asked to fire him. Records show that this was the angriest Elton John had been since three minutes before the concert when a hand towel he was using wasn't quite as fluffy as he'd have liked.
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X Factor Betting Odds: Ray Quinn & Eton Road

by Stuart Heritage

On Saturday X Factor had an Abba theme – you know, like every single rubbish office party you’ve ever been to has had an Abba theme – to see which singer was best at doing rubbish over-familiar songs that people only like ironically.

People on shows like X Factor always make time to point out just how difficult it is to sing an Abba song, but really they’re talking through their arses – we’ve spent way way way too many dreary evenings in horrible pubs listening to gangs of screeching women shriek Dancing Queen like it was the most hilariously original idea in the history of modern thought to disprove that notion. Although maybe we’re wrong – Saturday’s X Factor contained more out and out dreadfulness than in any of the previous episodes, as we’re about to find out.

Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn and Eton Road…

On Saturday X Factor had an Abba theme - you know, like every single rubbish office party you've ever been to has had an Abba theme - to see which singer was best at doing rubbish over-familiar songs that people only like ironically. People on shows like X Factor always make time to point out just how difficult it is to sing an Abba song, but really they're talking through their arses - we've spent way way way too many dreary evenings in horrible pubs listening to gangs of screeching women shriek Dancing Queen like it was the most hilariously original idea in the history of modern thought to disprove that notion. Although maybe we're wrong - Saturday's X Factor contained more out and out dreadfulness than in any of the previous episodes, as we're about to find out. Here are the X Factor betting odds for Ray Quinn and Eton Road...
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Doogie Howser: Now Both Happy Gay & Homosexual Gay

by Stuart Heritage

Neil Patrick Harris – despite popular roles in Harold & Kumar and How I Met Your Mother – has always tried hard to shake off his image as That Doogie Howser Kid, and now he has – Neil Patrick Harris is henceforth That Gay Doogie Howser Kid.

After a spectacularly botched round of statements came out last week that left everyone chronically unsure of whether Neil Patrick Harris was gay, straight or merely in possession of one of the most furiously inept publicists you could ever wish for, Neil Patrick Harris has decided to finally tell the truth; Neil Patrick Harris has openly admitted that he’s gay. Although he’s still not as gay as How I Met Your Mother because, dude, that show is gay.

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Awesome Or Off-Putting: The Crystal Skulls

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Ancient Artifacts

The Mayan’s prophetic abilities are still held quite high in some circles. They made a calendar depicting the end of the world as we know it as occurring on December 21, 2012 – a date which an awful lot of people are holding them to. But calendars weren’t their only supernatural forte – they also possessed crystal skulls they believed to be from a time when humanity inhabited 12 different planets.

Fantastic magical powers have been attributed to the skulls, and some claim even Hewlett-Packard testing has backed up their mystical strangeness.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Ancient Artifacts The Mayan's prophetic abilities are still held quite high in some circles. They made a calendar depicting the end of the world as we know it as occurring on December 21, 2012 - a date which an awful lot of people are holding them to. But calendars weren't their only supernatural forte - they also possessed crystal skulls they believed to be from a time when humanity inhabited 12 different planets. Fantastic magical powers have been attributed to the skulls, and some claim even Hewlett-Packard testing has backed up their mystical strangeness.
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