Posts from November, 2006

Danny DeVito might just be our favourite man of all-time. If it wasn't enough that Danny DeVito was in Taxi and directed Throw Momma From The Train and Matilda - the best Roald Dahl remake ever - he also lurches about apparently drunk on daytime TV. 

At the moment Danny DeVito is doing his darndest to promote Deck The Halls, a rubbish looking film about some Christmas lights. It's just that his methods of doing it are slightly unusual. Yesterday Danny DeVito went on daytime TV show The View direct from a party with George Clooney and gave a virtuoso performance in dishevelled weirdness, rambling on incomprehensibly about the movie, sitting on Rosie O'Donnell's knee and calling George Bush a) something that was bleeped out and b) "The guy who eb eb eb eb eb eb eb eb eb eb eb eb wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh wuh ung ung ung ung ung." Danny DeVito has since phoned The View bigwig Barbara Walters to apologise, although it seems strange that anyone would want to apologise for the finest six minutes of television since the dawn of man.

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Over the last few months - or however long we’ve been doing this feature - we’re sure you’ll all agree that we’ve opened up your lugholes to some fantastic sounds that you never thought existed.

While you're all busy watching shite karaoke programmes like X Factor where you idolise over someone for a few months before discarding him like last night's takeaway, we literally produce litres of blood, sweat and tears to bring you stuff that will blow your little mind away. Literally. This week we think we’ve found the most extreme and out-there sound around. Before we tell you the name of the act for this week's trawl, we have to revisit two previous artists featured so you can begin to imagine what your about to be listening to. In the very beginning, we introduced you to Glasgow two-piece Gay Against You. They took the style of breakcore, powerpop and stuff that sounded like they belonged on Gameboys. Basically it was crazy and unique. Another act we looked at was the mentalist sound of Cutting Pink With Knives. This blew open the genre doors for most of you as we entered the world of grindcore. Fast furious guitars with equally fast vocals. This week’s band combines both features of the two bands we just mentioned. Say hello to Drumcorps.

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There was a time when the promise of a glimpse of Britney Spears' waxed wookie would have created enough male hormones to power a small village; but now we've all seen Britney's tumpsy, and we'd quite like her to put it away please.

Now that Britney Spears is young free and single again, it's been her mission to show Kevin Federline what he's missing. Literally what he's missing. In graphic detail. Three times. If you're not sure what we're going on about, Britney Spears has been photographed getting out of cars without any knickers three separate times over the last week now, and people are getting so sick of gawping at Britney Spears' bare bajingo that they're flooding her MySpace page with messages along the lines of "My eyes!! What have you done to my eyes??? Britney, nobody wants to see your shonky mimsy any more!!"

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Imagine if Tinky Winky one day looked around him, saw Laa-Laa idly flicking some Tubby Tustard around the Tubbytronic Superdome and Dipsy torturing Noo-Noo the sentient hoover, stood up and said "Screw you bell-ends, I'm going solo."

Well, that's what has kind of happened with The Wiggles. The Wiggles are like Australia's version of The Teletubbies, except that they're actual men instead of freakish colourful monsters and they're richer than just about anyone you care to think of. Anyway, yesterday Yellow Wiggle - Greg Page - dramatically quit The Wiggles, though not because of creative differences. In fact Greg Page quit The Wiggles because he suffers from orthostatic intolerance, a rare disorder that leaves him constantly fatigued and liable to collapse without warning, which ironically tends to be Purple Wiggle's schtick.

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Moses had a people to lead. He walked 'em through the desert, turned a river into blood, and sent frogs to run up people's loose-fitting bottomless Egyptian skivvies.

Andrew Jackson led people by sending the army to march them barefoot and tattered to the barren American mid-west, minutes before said people were intending to start dinner. What we're getting at here is leaders throughout history have demonstrated unique and distinctive boss-people-around type styles. Jesse Jackson is no different. His current method of choice is to wreak havoc on Seinfeld season 7's holiday DVD sales.

Welcome to hell, Jerry, welcome to hell.

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Nicole Kidman needs cheering up. Her old husband has staged the creepiest wedding in history, her new husband is in rehab for drinking way too much and people won't stop openly wondering if she's got a baby in her belly.

So let's cheer Nicole Kidman up. Nicole Kidman, you may have worse taste in men than Nicole Brown Simpson and not have made a genuinely decent film for five years, but at least you're filthy stinking rich. Nicole Kidman has been named by the Hollywood Reporter as the highest-paid actress in all of Hollywood, for her ability to take home up to $17 million for each film she stars in. And good for Nicole Kidman; not only is she one of our finest actresses but all this money means that she won't be need to make any more Chanel adverts that make us want to claw our eyes out every time we see them.

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Sometimes we feature Slackerjacks because of their irresistible gameplay or bold new approach to the online game oeuvre. Sometimes, though, we just feature games because their names sound a bit porny.

And that's where we introduce you to today's Slackerjack - Astral Masters. Not to be confused with seminal decade-old Ron Jeremy-starring Ass Masters series of dirty pornos, Astral Masters is either a lot better or a lot worse than that, depending where you sit on the crude moral spectrum we've just constructed in our minds. Astral Masters is a sort of Magic cards-based game, where you have to build up the strongest possible collection of spells and creatures in order to to smash up wizards and whatnot. What really pushes Astral Masters ahead of the pack, though, is the ability to take your collection of Astral Masters cards and pit them against any friends of yours who are playing online. We haven't got round to playing Astral Masters online with our friends yet - they tend to lose interest after we've explained "no, not Ass Masters" to them - but judging by the high game ranking that Astral Masters got, we'd expect that it's pretty rocking.

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OK, there's no easy way of telling you this - we have some good news and some bad news. First the good news; pint-sized, pissed-up, voice of an angel turned failed popstar Charlotte Church has announced that she's quitting music.

And now for the bad news. Instead of spending all her new free doing something useful, like arm-wrestling bears for control of the woods or burning all of her weirdly tidy boyfriend's hairbands, Charlotte Church is doing the one thing we didn't want her to do. That's right - Charlotte Church has quit music to pursue her dreadful television presenting career. But the bad news isn't as bad as you think, because if Charlotte Church really has quit music then hopefully she won't be doing those scalp-tearingly harrowing opera duets with Nelly Furtado at the end of her show any more.

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It was hardly a huge surprise to see Claire King get eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday - we had wondered when the middle-aged male pervert vote would get over-powered by people actually voting for dancing quality and now we know.

On Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing Claire King somehow managed to perform her worst dance yet; she spent the entirety of her routine jerking around like a crash test dummy in a baby seat, and the judges scolded it for her. But now, free of having to dance every single weekend, Claire King can go ahead and return to being the slutty-looking woman who used to be on Emmerdale, while her Strictly Come Dancing partner Brendan Cole can go around being irritatingly sleazy to everyone he meets at times other than when we're trying to eat our tea.

But who's going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Carol Smillie, Matt Dawson and Emma Bunton…

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One of the perks of being famous is that you can dress however the hell you want, and within weeks you'll see a fleet of kids copying your look from head to toe - and this is something that upsets animal rights group PETA greatly.

PETA is worried that youngsters of today will see Nicole Richie on TV and - instead of the immediate "Holy Jesus, she's so thin! Surely that's not normal!" response that Nicole Richie tends to get when people see her - become so awe-struck about what she's wearing that they'll rush out and copy her. Since Nicole Richie tends to wear a lot of fur these days, PETA has become so riled that it has named Nicole Richie the Worst-Dressed Celebrity In The World. All this despite the fact that only one poorly squirrel was skinned to create all 25 pieces of outerwear in Nicole Richie's freakishly tiny wardrobe.

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Just when you thought that this whole kerfuffle about Madonna sneaking into Malawi at night and making off with a baby - or something - had died down, a judge in Malawi has decided that Madonna better get ready to fight for him in court.

Ever since Madonna took baby David Banda back to England to see if his new wardrobe of unsettling leotards fitted properly, a coalition of 67 Human Rights groups had been waiting to see if a court would allow them to proceed with a legal challenge against Madonna's adoption, and today the presiding judge ruled that they're free to put the legal challenge into action. The good news for the Human Rights groups is that they're only limited to legal challenges, and it's just as well - in a physical challenge they would stand a chance. We saw Madonna's concert on TV this weekend, and Madonna totally Tai-Boed like 20 dancers in the face during the breakdown of Sorry.

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Lord Of The Rings fans everywhere spent last week crying and cuddling their special limited edition seven-hour extended Return Of The King DVD boxsets extra hard, all because Peter Jackson had been ruled out of directing the Hobbit movies.

But it turns out that all this spoddy anguish may have been misplaced to begin with. Although Peter Jackson said that New Line didn't want him to direct two Lord Of The Rings prequelling Hobbit movies, he didn't say what would happen if any other studios wanted to make a Hobbit movie or two. And guess what? It's expected that New Line will lose the movie rights to The Hobbit next year, at which point MGM wants to snap them up and get Peter Jackson onboard to direct the Hobbit movie that the fans clearly want - a million-hour-long Hobbit spectacular starring Peter Jackson as all the characters from The Hobbit with CGI hand-drawn by Peter Jackson and sound effects all done by Peter Jackson's mouth like that bloke out of Police Academy used to do.

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