From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Madonna Won’t Div About On Cross For NBC

by Stuart Heritage

What with Madonna shocking the world with this whole adoption thing, its easy to forget that it wasn’t so long ago that Madonna was shocking the world by singing a song on a cross in a bad pair of knickers.

That crucifix controversy hasn’t gone away, though – Madonna gave one last run-through of her Confessions tour set for NBC not so long ago, so that the network could use it as part part of a Madonna prime-time special. However, there was the tiny point of the song Live To Tell, where Madonna hauled her elderly body up onto a giant crucifix and sang a song about how everyone should live to tell their friends that Madonna makes a wicked cool Jesus, or something. NBC has inevitably announced that it wigged out at the thought of broadcasting Madonna on a big cross, and that it won’t be showing Madonna’s crucifixion on the special any more.

What with Madonna shocking the world with this whole adoption thing, its easy to forget that it wasn't so long ago that Madonna was shocking the world by singing a song on a cross in a bad pair of knickers. That crucifix controversy hasn't gone away, though - Madonna gave one last run-through of her Confessions tour set for NBC not so long ago, so that the network could use it as part part of a Madonna prime-time special. However, there was the tiny point of the song Live To Tell, where Madonna hauled her elderly body up onto a giant crucifix and sang a song about how everyone should live to tell their friends that Madonna makes a wicked cool Jesus, or something. NBC has inevitably announced that it wigged out at the thought of broadcasting Madonna on a big cross, and that it won't be showing Madonna's crucifixion on the special any more.
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Naughty George Michael Smokes Some Drugs On The Telly

by Stuart Heritage

That George Michael, he’s one rock and roll motherlover isn’t he? OK, so actually he’s not – in fact listening to a George Michael album tends to be a bit like carbon monoxide suffocation without all the nice smells – but you get the idea.

After all of George Michael’s rock and roll scrapes – which mainly involve wanking and sleeping, to be fair – you’d expect that George Michael would want to keep his head down. But no. In fact George Michael is about to do the most shocking thing of his entire career. Release a record that doesn’t make us drop off faster than, well, George Michael at a zebra crossing? No – more shocking than that. George Michael is going to smoke a joint on television and then say how much he likes it. It will shock and astound you, or at least it would if pictures and quotes of every word he spoke during the interview hadn’t already been splashed all over the place, that is.

That George Michael, he's one rock and roll motherlover isn't he? OK, so actually he's not - in fact listening to a George Michael album tends to be a bit like carbon monoxide suffocation without all the nice smells - but you get the idea. After all of George Michael's rock and roll scrapes - which mainly involve wanking and sleeping, to be fair - you'd expect that George Michael would want to keep his head down. But no. In fact George Michael is about to do the most shocking thing of his entire career. Release a record that doesn't make us drop off faster than, well, George Michael at a zebra crossing? No - more shocking than that. George Michael is going to smoke a joint on television and then say how much he likes it. It will shock and astound you, or at least it would if pictures and quotes of every word he spoke during the interview hadn't already been splashed all over the place, that is.
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EMI’s Yoko Oh-No

by Shawn Lindseth

That old dusty nest that is the Beatles is really getting stirred up. Most recently in the news, the McCartney/Mills divorce has been getting all the uglier as Mills is said to have claimed Paul beat her, and that he may actually be the one who originally bit off her leg.

Elsewhere in the realm of all things Beatle-y, John Lennon’s estate, too, is up in legal arms. Yoko Ono’s gone and decided to slap some record company with a ten million dollar suit for intentionally defrauding her of mega-bucks, and for not calling on a single Christmas since the 50/50 shot of Lennon answering was reduced to 0/100.

Hang on, we’re checking he source on that last bit.

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Jay-Z Starts Selling Some Beer

by Stuart Heritage

Just because Jay-Z’s come out of retirement to go back to his day job of rapping about how good he is, it doesn’t mean that Jay-Z also has to give up his sidelines of trying to flog any old crap that makes him a bunch of money.

Far from it, in fact – instead of ceasing his lucrative business interests to return solely to a life of making records where he’ll threaten to retire again, Jay-Z has just been signed up by Anheuser-Busch to be the co-brand director of its Budweiser Select beer line. We’re not entirely what Jay-Z will have to do to fulfil his role as Budweiser co-brand director, although a cursory glance at the tracklisting for the new Jay-Z album Kingdom Come gives away a few clues, as it contains songs called Beer Beer I Love Beer, Oh! That Delicious Silky Smooth Taste Of An Ice Cold Bud and I’d Probably Suck You Off If You Gave Me A Sticker Saying I Was The Co-Brand Director Of Your Penis.

Just because Jay-Z's come out of retirement to go back to his day job of rapping about how good he is, it doesn't mean that Jay-Z also has to give up his sidelines of trying to flog any old crap that makes him a bunch of money. Far from it, in fact - instead of ceasing his lucrative business interests to return solely to a life of making records where he'll threaten to retire again, Jay-Z has just been signed up by Anheuser-Busch to be the co-brand director of its Budweiser Select beer line. We're not entirely what Jay-Z will have to do to fulfil his role as Budweiser co-brand director, although a cursory glance at the tracklisting for the new Jay-Z album Kingdom Come gives away a few clues, as it contains songs called Beer Beer I Love Beer, Oh! That Delicious Silky Smooth Taste Of An Ice Cold Bud and I'd Probably Suck You Off If You Gave Me A Sticker Saying I Was The Co-Brand Director Of Your Penis.
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More Grey’s Anatomy Fun: Now One Of Them Is Gay

by Stuart Heritage

Grey’s Anatomy is one of those shows, like Desperate Housewives, that we don’t have to watch because 1) Every squawking idiot we meet seems determined to tell us exactly what happened and 2) it looks like a sack of balls.

Oh yeah, and 3) Nothing that happens on Grey’s Anatomy is even a tenth as interesting as things that go on behind the scenes of Grey’s Anatomy. Lately there’s already been a Grey’s Anatomy Battle Royale, where two Grey’s Anatomy actors decided to pummel each other into a gooey mush – or something – and now another Grey’s Anatomy actor has decided to come out and announce that he’s gay. Actor T.R Knight, who plays Dr George O’Malley on the show, gave a statement confirming his homosexuality to People magazine. Now, we haven’t got the foggiest who T.R Knight, but it’s probably safe to assume that being gay is the most interesting part of him.

Grey's Anatomy is one of those shows, like Desperate Housewives, that we don't have to watch because 1) Every squawking idiot we meet seems determined to tell us exactly what happened and 2) it looks like a sack of balls. Oh yeah, and 3) Nothing that happens on Grey's Anatomy is even a tenth as interesting as things that go on behind the scenes of Grey's Anatomy. Lately there's already been a Grey's Anatomy Battle Royale, where two Grey's Anatomy actors decided to pummel each other into a gooey mush - or something - and now another Grey's Anatomy actor has decided to come out and announce that he's gay. Actor T.R Knight, who plays Dr George O'Malley on the show, gave a statement confirming his homosexuality to People magazine. Now, we haven't got the foggiest who T.R Knight, but it's probably safe to assume that being gay is the most interesting part of him.
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SLACKERJACK – Draw Line

by Stuart Heritage

You know what we like? Ideas. You know what else we like? Innovation. You know what we don’t like? Sitting on a toilet and not knowing if a rat is going to pop out of the water and gnaw through our sphincter. Seriously, we hate that. That hasn’t got anything to do with Draw Line, you understand, we just thought we should throw it out there.

But where Draw Line is short of sphincter-hungry toilet rodents, it’s stacked with good ideas and innovation. In a nutshell, Draw Line is a platform game where you create your own platforms. It’s ace, and this is how it works: you have a start point, an end point, a handful of obstacles and a huge empty void. You have to draw a route from one point to another with your mouse and then set your Draw Line character – a mummy, weirdly – along the path. Draw Line sounds easy, but it’s really not – you need to be much more precise than our stupid clumsy hands allow us to be.

Play Draw Line now

You know what we like? Ideas. You know what else we like? Innovation. You know what we don't like? Sitting on a toilet and not knowing if a rat is going to pop out of the water and gnaw through our sphincter. Seriously, we hate that. That hasn't got anything to do with Draw Line, you understand, we just thought we should throw it out there. But where Draw Line is short of sphincter-hungry toilet rodents, it's stacked with good ideas and innovation. In a nutshell, Draw Line is a platform game where you create your own platforms. It's ace, and this is how it works: you have a start point, an end point, a handful of obstacles and a huge empty void. You have to draw a route from one point to another with your mouse and then set your Draw Line character - a mummy, weirdly - along the path. Draw Line sounds easy, but it's really not - you need to be much more precise than our stupid clumsy hands allow us to be. Play Draw Line now
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Disturbing Friday Fun: Sonic Passion

by C J Davies

Okay. Time to make this a family website again.

Regular hecklerspray readers will know of our weekly feature Disturbing Friday Fun, in which we provide you with a link to a bizarre and downright unsettling corner of the internet. Last week we introduced you lucky people to hilarious Commando comic-book spoof Bumrape Island: a side-splitting epic which had us laughing so hard a little bit of wee came out. We realise now, however, that certain people found the article “offensive”, “juvenile” and “the godforsaken work of Satan itself.”

Well… this week we’re cleaning up our act. This week we’re taking a nostalgic look at classic videogame Sonic The Hedgehog. What could possibly be upsetting about that?

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Amy Winehouse In Ugly-Girl-On-Ugly-Girl Action

by C J Davies

Hum an Amy Winehouse tune. Go on. No, scratch that – name one.

Nope. We can’t either.

Despite her being the most bland/culturally anonymous pop ‘star’ this side of perma-postered nobody James Morrison, that doesn’t stop hecklerspray paying attention when the horse-faced starlet gets into silly violent scrapes. What the hell – it beats hearing about how the Arctic Monkeys have won another mediocre award.

In fact, we’re so shockingly ignorant about all things Amy Winehouse-related that we’ve only managed to ascertain three facts about her:

a) She has a name that sounds like a Scouser claiming ownership of a drink cellar (thanks to Karl Pilkington’s Rockbusters for that one)

b) She’s rubbish, and

c) She gets a bit lairy after the odd tipple.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Smillie, Lytton & Bunton

by Stuart Heritage

Today, as far as we know, is officially the last gender-separated Strictly Come Dancing you’ll see all year; come tomorrow both the male and female Strictly Come Dancing contestants will hoof around the stage like equal opportunity donkeys.

But we’re not going to let that happen until we’ve dealt with the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for the remaining girl contestants. Yesterday we looked at Jan Ravens, Georgina Bouzova and Claire King’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. Let’s face it, though – watching them dance was like watching a bunch of fish flapping around on a trawler deck. What about the Strictly Come Dancing girls who actually look like they stand a chance of winning?

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Carol Smillie, Louisa Lytton and Emma Bunton, with betting odds from PaddyPower.com…

Today, as far as we know, is officially the last gender-separated Strictly Come Dancing you'll see all year; come tomorrow both the male and female Strictly Come Dancing contestants will hoof around the stage like equal opportunity donkeys. But we're not going to let that happen until we've dealt with the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for the remaining girl contestants. Yesterday we looked at Jan Ravens, Georgina Bouzova and Claire King's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds. Let's face it, though - watching them dance was like watching a bunch of fish flapping around on a trawler deck. What about the Strictly Come Dancing girls who actually look like they stand a chance of winning? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Carol Smillie, Louisa Lytton and Emma Bunton, with betting odds from PaddyPower.com...
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Borat And Bonham Carter Sign Up For Sweeney Todd

by Stuart Heritage

When Tim Burton casts a movie, the whole of Hollywood holds its breath with a mixture of excitement and fear, before realising that Tim’s bailed out and just cast Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter as usual.

The newest Tim Burton movie out of the blocks is his version of the musical Sweeney Todd. Tim Burton surprised nobody recently when he decided to cast Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd himself, but his latest casting decision is bound to leave people momentarily paralysed with shock – it’s… Helena Bonham Carter. We know – this news is going to take some getting over. Oh, and hey, Borat’s going to be in it too.

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