Article Archive for October 2006
hecklerspray is positively beaming. The sun seems a tad brighter than usual, the air is more fragrant, and we wish all those pigeons we stomped last week were less dead than they currently are.
"Why the sudden over abundance of joy?" you may be asking yourself. "Why does that glorious light seem to be emanating from behind hecklerspray's very eyes?" you may be reading right now.
The answer is simple - we love romance. We always have. We were right there with 'em when Brad married Jennifer. We read every interview Ted Danson & Whoopi Goldberg ever did together. In our wallet we keep a copy of Christie Brinkley's actual wedding-day nuptials. All four of them.
And now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are making honest Scientologists out of each other. They've set a marriage date, and we know what it is. Oh goody goody.
Madonna has taken all she can. Over the last few weeks she's been subject to intense scrutiny over her decision to adopt a boy from Malawi and now Madonna has taken her case to the highest court in the land: The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Madonna's long-awaited appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show won't be broadcast until tonight but, thanks to one magazine's uncanny ability to ask Oprah's audience members some questions on their way out of the studio, we know that Madonna says the media is to blame for all the negative publicity she's received for adopting David Banda, and not Madonna for the way that she jumped on a celebrity fad, bent international adoption rules a little bit and then moved a boy thousands of miles away from his family. Good job The Oprah Winfrey Show isn't part of the media in any way, isn't it, or we'd all end up getting really confused.
Oh.
Formula One is possibly the dullest sport in the world - who wants to watch a bunch of millionaires start and finish a car race in exactly the same position? And anyway, since the races are all determined by how fast a man can take a wheel off a car and put another one on, couldn't they just do that and leave ...
It's a difficult job being head of the British monarchy - you have to constantly show the public that you're in touch with modern moods and culture, at least until you're behind closed doors when you can go and eat a swan or something.
But that's not enough for the British public - it wants to see what the Queen is like all the time; 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Short of posting daily Diddy-style soundbites on YouTube, the Queen has never been able to do this - until now. The BBC has somehow coerced the Queen into starring in her very own reality TV show, entitled The Monarchy. And if The Monarchy is a success, it's hoped that the Queen will then go on to become a judge on X Factor and score a lucrative job doing Asda commercials.
Here it is, the last slab of X Factor betting odds you'll be getting this week. And, since it's the last one, we're going to be looking at the three best X Factor contestants that this year's series has thrown up.
We say 'best', but it's too early to say that, isn't it? There are still weeks and weeks of X Factor larks coming your way, and the leading position might change time and time again before the end, so who's to say who is a good X Factor contestant and who is a bad one? Well we are, obviously. Haven't you ever read hecklerspray before?
So here are the X Factor betting odds for Eton Road, Leona Lewis and Ben Mills...
Everyone knows that videogame movies are terrible. From Mario to Streetfighter to Resident Evil to Alone In The Dark to Doom, all videogame movies suck more arse than an industrial liposuction machine - but what about Halo?
Halo was supposed to be the movie that changed all that. The Halo movie was based on a top-selling videogame, with a script by an excellent novelist, a multiple Oscar-winner as an executive producer, a cocky up-and-comer as a director, the financial muscle of Microsoft behind it and the backing of two big Hollywood studios. Except not that last one any more - 20th Century Fox and Universal have pulled out of the Halo movie. However, Microsoft and Halo makers Bungie have reaffirmed their intentions to make a Halo movie with or without Hollywood - even though the 'without Hollywood' version will probably involve Master Chief battling some upturned wastepaper baskets with a 10p water pistol. In a pair of jeans and a tatty sweater. In the woods behind the municipal car park.
You don't need to know a whole lot about Malibu except that it's something that slappers drink and that Mel Gibson thinks she owns it after he's had a drink or two - but there's so much more to Malibu than that.
For instance, call a jumped-up neighbourhood watch meeting in Malibu and all sorts of celebrities turn up to waggle their fists about like the elderly at a local council meeting. Exhibit A is a recent protest about a government plan to build an offshore liquefied natural gas station 14 miles off the coast of Malibu - among the celebrities who showed up to look angry and go "Bah" a lot were Pierce Brosnan, Daryl Hannah, Ted Danson, Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Minnie Driver, Jane Seymour, Roma Downey, Mark Burnett, Daniel Stern, Gabrielle Reece and Kenny G, who may or may not utilise his talent for being the most annoying musician to have ever graced the face of the earth to halt the gas station work by blowing on his horn until the workers all drown themselves.
Usually when we go to gigs and review them we like to give a good detailed account of what happened, so you can get a pretty good feel about the event. However, just this once we're going to bypass all that and just sum up the entire Lily Allen live experience in one word:
Shit.
