From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Anna Nicole Smith Dodges Her Paternity Meeting

by Stuart Heritage

If Anna Nicole Smith ever appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show, her episode would be called I Had A Baby And Then My Son Died From Drugs And The Baby Is My Lawyer’s But Someone Says It’s His Too And I’m Naked Quite A Lot.

And we’re starting to think that Jeremy Kyle is just about the only person who can sort out this whole Anna Nicole Smith paternity kerfuffle, although he’d have to dig deep to pull off the self-consciously withering look to end all self-consciously withering looks needed to make Anna Nicole Smith, Howard K Stern and Larry Birkhead see sense. Because now Anna Nicole Smith has missed an important paternity meeting with one of Larry Birkhead’s lawyers, and now it’s all kicking off bigstyle.

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SLACKERJACK – Hovercrafty

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve all been there; you’re buzzing around the local swamps in a hovercraft, trying to collect as many giant floating pills as you can, and suddenly – Pow! – your brakes stop working and you’re forced to navigate using a rudimentary bungee rope/ grappling hook combination.

OK, so that’s something that has probably never happened to anyone who has ever lived, but nonetheless it’s the basis of Hovercrafty. Despite the ridiculous premise, Hovercrafty is a great big bag of fun – you need to have cat-like reflexes to shoot out your hovercraft’s grappling hooks, or else you’ll fly out of control and explode. Which you’re going to do a whole bunch of times playing Hovercrafty anyway, so you may as well get used to the feeling of just missing the last anchor before you burst into a deadly ball of flames as fast as you can.

Play Hovercrafty now

We've all been there; you're buzzing around the local swamps in a hovercraft, trying to collect as many giant floating pills as you can, and suddenly - Pow! - your brakes stop working and you're forced to navigate using a rudimentary bungee rope/ grappling hook combination. OK, so that's something that has probably never happened to anyone who has ever lived, but nonetheless it's the basis of Hovercrafty. Despite the ridiculous premise, Hovercrafty is a great big bag of fun - you need to have cat-like reflexes to shoot out your hovercraft's grappling hooks, or else you'll fly out of control and explode. Which you're going to do a whole bunch of times playing Hovercrafty anyway, so you may as well get used to the feeling of just missing the last anchor before you burst into a deadly ball of flames as fast as you can. Play Hovercrafty now
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Free New Crap: Brakelights By The Unsacred Hearts

by Stuart Heritage

Free new crap is where we scour the internet for one free legal download, then hold it above our heads like the monkey does with the baby lion in The Lion King. It’s free! It’s new! It’s cr… wait, no, actually it’s rather good.

Today’s hot piece of free new crap for you is Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts and by jiggedy does it ever kick a lot of arse. Imagine if the last Primal Scream album sounded like a genuine feelgood, deep-fried collection of rough-around-the-edges boogie blues instead of a tired old bunch of men who don’t know where to go with their lives. That’s Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts. Imagine the whip-tight garage rock of Eagles Of Death Metal mixed with the glorious boy/girl sloppiness of Royal Trux mixed with the wayward experimentalism of The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion in its prime. That’s Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts. Downloading Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts will provide you with the most toe-tappingest, fist-pumpingest three minutes of your day. And there’s always Unsacred Hearts’ EP Five Believers for you to buy once Brakelights makes you wonder how you ever got by without it.

Download Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts now

Visit the Unsacred Hearts website

Buy Five Believers at iTunes Music Store

Free new crap is where we scour the internet for one free legal download, then hold it above our heads like the monkey does with the baby lion in The Lion King. It's free! It's new! It's cr... wait, no, actually it's rather good. Today's hot piece of free new crap for you is Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts and by jiggedy does it ever kick a lot of arse. Imagine if the last Primal Scream album sounded like a genuine feelgood, deep-fried collection of rough-around-the-edges boogie blues instead of a tired old bunch of men who don't know where to go with their lives. That's Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts. Imagine the whip-tight garage rock of Eagles Of Death Metal mixed with the glorious boy/girl sloppiness of Royal Trux mixed with the wayward experimentalism of The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion in its prime. That's Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts. Downloading Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts will provide you with the most toe-tappingest, fist-pumpingest three minutes of your day. And there's always Unsacred Hearts' EP Five Believers for you to buy once Brakelights makes you wonder how you ever got by without it. Download Brakelights by Unsacred Hearts now Visit the Unsacred Hearts website Buy Five Believers at iTunes Music Store
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Richard Hammond Saved From Death By Some Lego

by Stuart Heritage

Richard Hammond, everyone’s second-favourite Top Gear presenter, is a lucky bloke. Not only did he manage to present an entire series of a crushingly dreadful weekday teatime ITV magazine show without anyone realising, but he’s also not dead.

And, by rights, Richard Hammond should be dead; natural selection usually makes sure that anyone driving a car at 288mph – regardless of crashes – probably shouldn’t hang around on the planet for too long. Somehow, though, Richard Hammond managed to cheat death when his British land speed record attempt went spectacularly arse-upwards, and now he’s given his first interview about the accident. And what saved Richard Hammond’s life? Paramedics? Air ambulances? Seatbelts? No. It was Lego.

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X Factor Betting Odds: Kerry, Nikitta, Ray, Ashley

by Stuart Heritage

“There’s-a gonna be some mighty big changes this here season,” is how Simon Cowell would have described X Factor 2006 if he was an elderly bearded man in dungarees who lived during the American goldrush.

But he isn’t, and these big X Factor changes are continuing to be the lamest thing ever. Kate Thornton’s still useless, the X Factor judges still pretend to dislike each other to keep people watching and the only real change is that X Factor now has things like Rod Stewart Night, which sounds like something you’d find in a pikey pub that mixes their spirits with Panda Pop. But still, Saturday was X Factor’s Rod Stewart night, or ‘Make Ben Look Better Than He Is Night’ as it was probably called at one point. But how did the X Factor hopefuls fare?

Here are the X Factor betting odds for Kerry McGregor, Nikitta Angus, Ray Quinn and Ashley McKenzie…

"There's-a gonna be some mighty big changes this here season," is how Simon Cowell would have described X Factor 2006 if he was an elderly bearded man in dungarees who lived during the American goldrush. But he isn't, and these big X Factor changes are continuing to be the lamest thing ever. Kate Thornton's still useless, the X Factor judges still pretend to dislike each other to keep people watching and the only real change is that X Factor now has things like Rod Stewart Night, which sounds like something you'd find in a pikey pub that mixes their spirits with Panda Pop. But still, Saturday was X Factor's Rod Stewart night, or 'Make Ben Look Better Than He Is Night' as it was probably called at one point. But how did the X Factor hopefuls fare? Here are the X Factor betting odds for Kerry McGregor, Nikitta Angus, Ray Quinn and Ashley McKenzie...
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Paul McCartney Divorce: Everyone Now Beating Up Everyone Else

by Stuart Heritage

Sunday papers are ace. Thanks to them we now know that Paul McCartney beat up Linda McCartney, Heather Mills-McCartney beat up Paul McCartney and baby Bea McCartney is a three-time ultimate cage fighting champion.

OK, so maybe not the last one. But this weekend, revelations about the marriages of Paul McCartney to both Heather Mills and Linda McCartney poured out of the Sunday papers at an incredible rate that’ll only speed up as the divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills approaches. However, now senior members of Paul McCartney’s staff have come out into the open to declare that everything that Heather Mills has said lately has been a pack of “wicked lies,” and that she actually has two legs but she just pretends to have one to make people feel a bit sorry for her.

OK, not that one either.

Sunday papers are ace. Thanks to them we now know that Paul McCartney beat up Linda McCartney, Heather Mills-McCartney beat up Paul McCartney and baby Bea McCartney is a three-time ultimate cage fighting champion. OK, so maybe not the last one. But this weekend, revelations about the marriages of Paul McCartney to both Heather Mills and Linda McCartney poured out of the Sunday papers at an incredible rate that'll only speed up as the divorce between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills approaches. However, now senior members of Paul McCartney's staff have come out into the open to declare that everything that Heather Mills has said lately has been a pack of "wicked lies," and that she actually has two legs but she just pretends to have one to make people feel a bit sorry for her. OK, not that one either.
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Is Kate Moss Pregnant Or Something?

by Stuart Heritage

As regular readers of hecklerspray know, we’re all big Pete Doherty fans here. Such big fans, in fact, that the thought of a Pete Doherty mini-me fills us with the kind of excitement that only news about babies fathered by recovering junkies can provide.

So just imagine how happy we are today to hear that Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty’s baby. Well, it’s a provisional happiness, anyway, because there’s been no official confirmation that Kate Moss is pregnant with anything yet. In fact, all we’ve got to go on is a quote by a man who says he’s Pete Doherty’s uncle. But still, the thought of some form of enforced maternity/paternity leave for Pete Doherty and Kate Moss can’t help but raise at least a little smile.

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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Dinosaurs & Man, Hand In Hand

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: The Plain Unexplainable

As generally accepted science has it, the dinosaurs went out of style around 65 million years ago when a space rock smashed into Earth. As generally not-accepted science has it, some dinosaurs survived long enough to co-habitate the planet with humans.

“I’ll need some serious scientific evidence before making that leap,” you may be saying to yourself. Scientific evidence, perhaps, like footprints of both man and dinosaur forever etched side by side in the same layer of sedimentary muck, or ‘ancient’ etchings of accurately drawn dinosaurs found on stones once left in caves and stream beds.

“Yeah, that type’ll do,” you’re probably thinking.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: The Plain Unexplainable As generally accepted science has it, the dinosaurs went out of style around 65 million years ago when a space rock smashed into Earth. As generally not-accepted science has it, some dinosaurs survived long enough to co-habitate the planet with humans. "I'll need some serious scientific evidence before making that leap," you may be saying to yourself. Scientific evidence, perhaps, like footprints of both man and dinosaur forever etched side by side in the same layer of sedimentary muck, or 'ancient' etchings of accurately drawn dinosaurs found on stones once left in caves and stream beds. "Yeah, that type'll do," you're probably thinking.
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Harrison Ford Not Too Old For Indiana Jones, Even Though He Is

by Stuart Heritage

It’s still being written, but Indiana Jones 4 is monumentally anticipated except for one snag – isn’t Harrison Ford too old? Unless the movie is about finding a scroll with extra large writing on it, won’t it all seem a bit silly?

No way, says Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford. Despite being 64 and without even a shooting schedule figured out and finalised, Harrison Ford says he’s absolutely fit enough to play Indiana Jones for a fourth time. It’s hard to see how this can be true, but perhaps the rumoured inclusion of a wisecracking stairlift sidekick and a plot revolving around Indiana Jones finding it harder and harder to tell if youngsters are boys or girls will go some way to explaining it.

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Keith Urban Legs It To Cowboy Rehab

by Stuart Heritage

Keith Urban – the Australian cowboy singer who’s also Nicole Kidman’s husband – has gone into rehab for alcohol addiction, breaking the hearts of the four female truckers that know him as anything other than Nicole Kidman’s husband.

There’s good news and bad news to Keith Urban’s rehab, though – obviously it’s sad when someone gets so addicted to anything that they have to go and receive treatment to combat it, but on the plus side this proves that Nicole Kidman has such awful taste in men that she probably wouldn’t even find you, your pasty body or the fact that you haven’t even got a proper job as repulsive as all the other girls do. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

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