From the monthly archives:

October 2006

SLACKERJACK: Babble Racing Grand Prix

by Stuart Heritage

Formula One is possibly the dullest sport in the world – who wants to watch a bunch of millionaires start and finish a car race in exactly the same position? And anyway, since the races are all determined by how fast a man can take a wheel off a car and put another one on, couldn’t they just do that and leave all the boring crap out?

However, Babble Racing Grand Prix is way better than watching a tedious old race on the TV, since it’s small, fast and the most insanely difficult you’ll do this calender month. Babble Racing Grand Prix is simple in theory – you race a nippy little car around a track with the arrow keys on your keyboard as fast as you can. But trying to master Babble Racing Grand Prix brings a new meaning to the word ‘uphill’ as you try and manouver your pudgy fingers quickly enough to keep the car on the track, let alone maintain the best racing line. And then, at the end of each lap, you get to race your own ghost car in a (probably) failed effort to beat you best time. Playing an online game that’s as addictive as Babble Racing Grand Prix is a rare thing indeed, so enjoy it you lucky pigs.

Play Babble Racing Grand Prix

Formula One is possibly the dullest sport in the world - who wants to watch a bunch of millionaires start and finish a car race in exactly the same position? And anyway, since the races are all determined by how fast a man can take a wheel off a car and put another one on, couldn't they just do that and leave all the boring crap out? However, Babble Racing Grand Prix is way better than watching a tedious old race on the TV, since it's small, fast and the most insanely difficult you'll do this calender month. Babble Racing Grand Prix is simple in theory - you race a nippy little car around a track with the arrow keys on your keyboard as fast as you can. But trying to master Babble Racing Grand Prix brings a new meaning to the word 'uphill' as you try and manouver your pudgy fingers quickly enough to keep the car on the track, let alone maintain the best racing line. And then, at the end of each lap, you get to race your own ghost car in a (probably) failed effort to beat you best time. Playing an online game that's as addictive as Babble Racing Grand Prix is a rare thing indeed, so enjoy it you lucky pigs. Play Babble Racing Grand Prix
0 comments Read more >>>

The Queen Gets An Osbournes-Style Reality TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a difficult job being head of the British monarchy – you have to constantly show the public that you’re in touch with modern moods and culture, at least until you’re behind closed doors when you can go and eat a swan or something.

But that’s not enough for the British public – it wants to see what the Queen is like all the time; 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Short of posting daily Diddy-style soundbites on YouTube, the Queen has never been able to do this – until now. The BBC has somehow coerced the Queen into starring in her very own reality TV show, entitled The Monarchy. And if The Monarchy is a success, it’s hoped that the Queen will then go on to become a judge on X Factor and score a lucrative job doing Asda commercials.

1 comment Read more >>>

X Factor Betting Odds: Eton Road, Leona & Ben

by Stuart Heritage

Here it is, the last slab of X Factor betting odds you’ll be getting this week. And, since it’s the last one, we’re going to be looking at the three best X Factor contestants that this year’s series has thrown up.

We say ‘best’, but it’s too early to say that, isn’t it? There are still weeks and weeks of X Factor larks coming your way, and the leading position might change time and time again before the end, so who’s to say who is a good X Factor contestant and who is a bad one? Well we are, obviously. Haven’t you ever read hecklerspray before?

So here are the X Factor betting odds for Eton Road, Leona Lewis and Ben Mills…

4 comments Read more >>>

Hollywood Kicks Halo Movie Up The Arse

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that videogame movies are terrible. From Mario to Streetfighter to Resident Evil to Alone In The Dark to Doom, all videogame movies suck more arse than an industrial liposuction machine – but what about Halo?

Halo was supposed to be the movie that changed all that. The Halo movie was based on a top-selling videogame, with a script by an excellent novelist, a multiple Oscar-winner as an executive producer, a cocky up-and-comer as a director, the financial muscle of Microsoft behind it and the backing of two big Hollywood studios. Except not that last one any more – 20th Century Fox and Universal have pulled out of the Halo movie. However, Microsoft and Halo makers Bungie have reaffirmed their intentions to make a Halo movie with or without Hollywood – even though the ‘without Hollywood’ version will probably involve Master Chief battling some upturned wastepaper baskets with a 10p water pistol. In a pair of jeans and a tatty sweater. In the woods behind the municipal car park.

Everyone knows that videogame movies are terrible. From Mario to Streetfighter to Resident Evil to Alone In The Dark to Doom, all videogame movies suck more arse than an industrial liposuction machine - but what about Halo? Halo was supposed to be the movie that changed all that. The Halo movie was based on a top-selling videogame, with a script by an excellent novelist, a multiple Oscar-winner as an executive producer, a cocky up-and-comer as a director, the financial muscle of Microsoft behind it and the backing of two big Hollywood studios. Except not that last one any more - 20th Century Fox and Universal have pulled out of the Halo movie. However, Microsoft and Halo makers Bungie have reaffirmed their intentions to make a Halo movie with or without Hollywood - even though the 'without Hollywood' version will probably involve Master Chief battling some upturned wastepaper baskets with a 10p water pistol. In a pair of jeans and a tatty sweater. In the woods behind the municipal car park.
4 comments Read more >>>

Every Single Malibu Celebrity In Massive Gas Strop

by Stuart Heritage

You don’t need to know a whole lot about Malibu except that it’s something that slappers drink and that Mel Gibson thinks she owns it after he’s had a drink or two – but there’s so much more to Malibu than that.

For instance, call a jumped-up neighbourhood watch meeting in Malibu and all sorts of celebrities turn up to waggle their fists about like the elderly at a local council meeting. Exhibit A is a recent protest about a government plan to build an offshore liquefied natural gas station 14 miles off the coast of Malibu – among the celebrities who showed up to look angry and go “Bah” a lot were Pierce Brosnan, Daryl Hannah, Ted Danson, Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Minnie Driver, Jane Seymour, Roma Downey, Mark Burnett, Daniel Stern, Gabrielle Reece and Kenny G, who may or may not utilise his talent for being the most annoying musician to have ever graced the face of the earth to halt the gas station work by blowing on his horn until the workers all drown themselves.

You don't need to know a whole lot about Malibu except that it's something that slappers drink and that Mel Gibson thinks she owns it after he's had a drink or two - but there's so much more to Malibu than that. For instance, call a jumped-up neighbourhood watch meeting in Malibu and all sorts of celebrities turn up to waggle their fists about like the elderly at a local council meeting. Exhibit A is a recent protest about a government plan to build an offshore liquefied natural gas station 14 miles off the coast of Malibu - among the celebrities who showed up to look angry and go "Bah" a lot were Pierce Brosnan, Daryl Hannah, Ted Danson, Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford, David Duchovny, Tea Leoni, Minnie Driver, Jane Seymour, Roma Downey, Mark Burnett, Daniel Stern, Gabrielle Reece and Kenny G, who may or may not utilise his talent for being the most annoying musician to have ever graced the face of the earth to halt the gas station work by blowing on his horn until the workers all drown themselves.
0 comments Read more >>>

hecklergigs, Lily Allen, Newcastle Uni, 22/10

by Matthew Laidlow

Usually when we go to gigs and review them we like to give a good detailed account of what happened, so you can get a pretty good feel about the event. However, just this once we’re going to bypass all that and just sum up the entire Lily Allen live experience in one word:

Shit.

1 comment Read more >>>

Snoop Dogg Tries To Get On Plane With A Mighty Weapon

by Stuart Heritage

Some people are scared of flying, and the fear manifests itself in different ways. Some will cry, some will sweat, and some will try to carry an collapsible 21-inch police baton onto the plane in case they need to swipe out at anyone.

You’ll never guess which one of these Snoop Dogg reportedly tried to do on a recent flight from Orange County to New York. Go on, guess. You won’t guess which one. What’s that? The giant weapon one? Oh, OK, you did guess. Anyway, now Orange Country prosecutors are trying to decide whether or not to file charges against Snoop Dogg for attempting to take a massively violent instrument onto an aeroplane when the rest of us aren’t even allowed any effing hairgel.

0 comments Read more >>>

Keith Urban Too Rehab-y For Cowboy Awards

by Stuart Heritage

The day of the Country Music Association awards is the third-biggest date on the calenders of all country singers, after the day that they all get to shoot tin cans off a log and the annual Smokey & The Bandit Appreciation Day.

But – however auspicious the Country Music Association awards are – one rootin’-tootin’, pedal to the metal, CB radio-hollerin’ cowboy with unnaturally white teeth and suspiciously straight hair won’t be attending. Poor old Keith Urban has announced that he’ll be missing the CMA awards next month thanks to all his rehab commitments. Keith Urban fans shouldn’t worry, though, since his spot at the CMA awards will be filled by the world’s second biggest country act – Whistlin’ Jeb Sugarfoot And The One-Toothed Inbred Banjo Allstars, performers of the number one smash hit I Actually Had Literal Sexual Intercourse With A Piece Of Industrial Farming Machinery.

The day of the Country Music Association awards is the third-biggest date on the calenders of all country singers, after the day that they all get to shoot tin cans off a log and the annual Smokey & The Bandit Appreciation Day. But - however auspicious the Country Music Association awards are - one rootin'-tootin', pedal to the metal, CB radio-hollerin' cowboy with unnaturally white teeth and suspiciously straight hair won't be attending. Poor old Keith Urban has announced that he'll be missing the CMA awards next month thanks to all his rehab commitments. Keith Urban fans shouldn't worry, though, since his spot at the CMA awards will be filled by the world's second biggest country act - Whistlin' Jeb Sugarfoot And The One-Toothed Inbred Banjo Allstars, performers of the number one smash hit I Actually Had Literal Sexual Intercourse With A Piece Of Industrial Farming Machinery.
4 comments Read more >>>

Britney Spears Baby Possibly Called Something Less Dumb

by Stuart Heritage

The last baby to come slapping out of the Britney Spears Baby Conveyor Belt was a little boy called Sutton Pierce, right? WRONG! Or maybe a bit right but also possibly semi-wrong – Britney Spears has got everyone confused.

It’s been widely reported that the second baby to emerge from the spine-chilling sexual union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was called Sutton Pierce, but it was never officially confirmed by anyone. Now it’s being reported that the baby’s name is really Jayden James, and even that the baby might be a girl. Now, your instincts are probably telling you to be excited and intrigued by all this, but don’t be – chances are that it’s a cynical way for Britney Spears to give the new Kevin Federline album a push. And since the new Kevin Federline album looks like a big bag of arse, we probably shouldn’t fall for it.

The last baby to come slapping out of the Britney Spears Baby Conveyor Belt was a little boy called Sutton Pierce, right? WRONG! Or maybe a bit right but also possibly semi-wrong - Britney Spears has got everyone confused. It's been widely reported that the second baby to emerge from the spine-chilling sexual union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline was called Sutton Pierce, but it was never officially confirmed by anyone. Now it's being reported that the baby's name is really Jayden James, and even that the baby might be a girl. Now, your instincts are probably telling you to be excited and intrigued by all this, but don't be - chances are that it's a cynical way for Britney Spears to give the new Kevin Federline album a push. And since the new Kevin Federline album looks like a big bag of arse, we probably shouldn't fall for it.
0 comments Read more >>>

Madonna Kidnaps Baby, But Not Really

by Shawn Lindseth

We know exactly what your thinking; “Not another story about Madonna’s Mongolian baby.” We know what you mean, the ‘M’ key on three of our keyboards have been totally rubbed out.

Oh, and the child’s not Mongolian, he’s Malawian – Malawian because he comes from Malawi. Well, your Malawi is still our Nyasaland you know, and what have you. Hold your flag yet high Nyasaland!! Your king still lives!! If that last comments stirs up some kind of civil war, hecklerspray thoroughly apologises.

But whatever, right? Well we are dragging out Madge and her new black baby trifle again for a very good reason. That being, the child’s biological father (and only surviving parent) is now saying he had no idea adoption was so permanent. How’s he supposed to know – he’s illiterate!

1 comment Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →