From the monthly archives:

October 2006

X Factor Betting Odds, Dionne & Kerry Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

There’s nothing we like better than the annual ‘X Factor big band show’ or – as it’s more commonly known – the annual ‘X Factor shits on a bunch of songs you used to like show’, and it didn’t go well for Dionne or Kerry.

Thanks to the big surprise double X Factor elimination that was actually only really a surprise to people who don’t read newspapers or listen to stuff people tell them, both Dionne and Kerry got the shove on Saturday. Dionne for singing You Are The Sunshine Of My Life in the style of someone running up a hill (but still managed to sing it better than Tony Bennett did later on in the show) and Kerry for responding to Simon Cowell’s constant calls for her to take a risk by taking the biggest risk of all – singing her song in exactly the same boring-arse way that she’d ever sung every other song during her time on X Factor.

But now that Dionne and Kerry have been eliminated from X Factor, who’ll win? Here are the X Factor betting odds for The MacDonald Brothers, Robert Allen and Nikitta Angus…

3 comments Read more >>>

Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is

by Chris Laverty

It’s not ‘expresso’ by the way, it’s espresso.

Folded:

* The Sopranos, series 6 on E4 (less crying by Tony, less meandering chats to the lady out of Goodfellas; more interesting stories about shell-suited geriatric gangsters)
* Paulo Nutini’s follow up being better than James Morrison’s (no, they’re not the same, and, no, neither artist floats our boat to any significant degree. That said Nutini’s much better at keeping a takeaway and beer get-together going)
* Ah, Dita Von Teese (because she looks a damn sight different to Rihanna, Jennifer Ellison and Mischa flippin’ Barton)
* Harrison Ford: not dead (good news that he still thinks he’s fit to play Indiana Jones. Unless, of course, it kills him)
* Alesha’s video for Knockdown (we are not sure it is intentionally supposed to look like a Mel & Kim video, but it’s certainly very funny)

Creased:

* Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance (seems like the world’s gone mad, what with teen queen Alesha and berk Paulo Nutini in Folded and all, but an anthem track, already Chemical guys? Do you really want the noughties Nirvana vote that much?)
* Iceland – not the supermarket chain (for fook’s sake, are they actually trying to be hated by everyone in hemp pants, or does it just come naturally?)
* Walkers’s new Sizzling BBQ Doritos (give you stomach ache. Not the company’s official line)
* Unattractive bike locks (when will those with the know-how realise some people actually ride a bike to look good as well as feel good? You try finding a fetching D-lock to fit a Chopper)
* Choosing which newspaper to buy these days – it’s a minefield (The Times – you’re trying too hard, The Guardian – you’re a save the whales smoothie drinker still living off your parents, The Daily Mail – an immigrant hating bigot, The Independent – it’s crap, all the tabloids – just daily TV guides with some brain-dead footballer on the cover…what do you do?!)

0 comments Read more >>>

CD Review: Cherrystones, Word

by Stuart Heritage

Chances are that if you head down to HMV and browse through the ‘Compilations’ section you’ll be battered about the head with a £3.99 12CD Ibiza Anthems box set or brain-numbing twaddle like Housework Music. Housework Music. For fuck’s sake.

Compilation albums shouldn’t be like that. Instead of forcing you to wear out the ‘skip’ button on your CD player, they should pick you up and slap you in the mouth over and over again with songs you’ve never heard but can’t imagine being without after hearing them for the first time. Gareth ‘Cherrystones’ Goddard is well aware of this, and his new Cherrystones Word compilation does exactly that. As far as getting your lost psych garage proto-punk kicks go, Cherrystones Word is hands down the best compilation album released this year.

0 comments Read more >>>

Nicole Richie Gets Help For Being So Freaking Skinny

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows why Nicole Richie is so ferociously skinny. We think it might have something to do with the way that pushing one piece of rice around a plate for two hours burns more calories than the rice actually contains, but we can’t be certain.

Neither can Nicole Richie, and this perturbs her. Nicole Richie is tired of being known as the skinny sidekick to the slurring pornstar in The Simple Life, and wants to become the slightly portly sidekick to the slurring pornstar in The Simple Life. In short, Nicole Richie is going to go through extensive professional treatment for her inability to put on weight. Details on the exact nature of Nicole Richie’s treatment are scarce, but the treatment may or may not involve Nicole Richie eating some fucking food for once in her pissing life.

2 comments Read more >>>

hecklergigs: The Noisettes, 26/10/06

by C J Davies

hecklerspray has been working on a revised dictionary.

You see, in this ever-changin’ world in which we live in, the meaning of words can change at such at an alarming rate that no-one can quite keep up with them. Take this one for example:

guestlist Pronunciation: (gest’list”) —n.
a list of guests invited to attend a social function.

Little did hecklerspray expect then – upon being invited to review a band – that by late October 2006 the meaning of the term would have changed to this:

guestlist Pronunciation: (gest’list”) —n.

Arriving at a venue to be told that ‘everybody is on the guestlist,’ which therefore negates any chance of getting inside the place (despite promises having been made by the artists management) which then necessities joining an arcing queue of similarly bored-looking people – also ‘guestlisted’ – for an hour of your precious life, until someone comes out and informs you not to expect to get into said venue because entry is ‘always hit-and-miss.’

Ergo: The Noisettes. We’re sure they’re brilliant. It would have been nice to actually see them, but then that’s an old reviewer’s quirk of ours.

If you’d like to find out more, check out their website here . It’s well-structured, informative and – unlike their performances – easy to access.

0 comments Read more >>>

Snoop Dogg Gets Arrested At Another Airport Again

by Stuart Heritage

If we were Snoop Dogg, we’d be seriously considering only travelling the world by car, hot air balloon and llama, because he sure as hell hasn’t got the hang of airports yet – Snoop Dogg has got himself arrested at an airport again.

And you’ll never guess why Snoop Dogg was arrested yesterday at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, California; it’s because police apparently found a gun and a load of marijuana in his possession. We know! How surprised are we that Snoop Dogg – the performer of songs like Downtown Assassins and Chronic Break – would ever a) own a firearm or b) know what marijuana looked like? You’ll be telling us that Snoop Dogg has taken to refreshing himself with gin-based juice drinks next!

1 comment Read more >>>

Anna Nicole Smith: Illegal Alien?

by Shawn Lindseth

Anna Nicole Smith has the worst luck in the world. First off, she marries the love of her life only to have him die shortly thereafter because he was 903 years her senior, and was only alive due do scientific wires and gadgetry.

Then her son-in-law – whom she’d raised from age 47 or something – died just before a court house family reunion. Then, of course, she suffered the very real tragedy of her losing her young son in a very untimely manner. More recently she’s been evicted from her Bahamian bungalow. When it rains it pours.

But for Anna Nicole Smith the rain is more of a monsoon, because now the Bahamian government is considering ripping Smith’s legal status in the country out from under her.

0 comments Read more >>>

Duran Duran Guitarist Quits, People Weirdly Expected To Care

by Stuart Heritage

Hey kids, remember Duran Duran? Sure you do – Duran Duran were famous for their awful suits and their dreadful Bond themes 20 years ago, then they got fat and stopped being famous and now one of them’s left.

You heard right; guitarist Andy Taylor has left Duran Duran because of an “unworkable gulf” between him and the rest of the band. Quite why a band that only exists as a touring nostalgia machine except for when they’re half-riding occasional microsecond-long misplaced fads for decades as shit as the 1980s like Duran Duran losing a guitarist is such big news is entirely beyond any notion of common sense as far as we’re able to see. But anyway, in other news the bassist from Wang Chung is a bit sad because he lost his frisbee up a tree.

0 comments Read more >>>

Court Adjourns All The Madonna Adoption Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Are you getting sick of all this Madonna Malawi adoption stuff yet? Are you? Well, it might be over soon. Or it might not – it all depends on a Malawi court, which will soon decide just how naughty Madonna’s adoption of David Banda was.

Following the Malawi court’s decision on the case brought forward by various Human Rights groups, one of two things will happen. Firstly, if the judge decides that Madonna’s adoption was illegal, there’s a chance that David Banda will be whisked back to his illiterate father in Malawi where he’ll be raised in poverty and will possibly die of pneumonia and starvation within a few years. On the other hand, if the Malawi judge allows Madonna’s adoption to go ahead unchallenged, we’ll all be subjected to even more constant interviews about what an effing saint Madonna is, thousands of magazine covershoots starring Madonna and David Banda and possibly a cash-in album called David Banda Sings The Hits Of Madonna While Riding A Golden Speedboat Across A Sea Of Melted Diamonds. Which one’s worse? We really wish we could tell you.

0 comments Read more >>>

SLACKERJACK – Jet Jumper

by Stuart Heritage

This hasn’t got anything to do with the game Jet Jumper, but how crap would it be if someone knitted you a Jet Jumper – a jumper with the members of Australian numbskull rockers Jet on it? Almost as crap as the Velvet Revolver hoodie we were given for Christmas, that’s how crap.

Luckily, Jet Jumper the game is far far far better – it’s a corking new 3D platform game. As you may have guessed from a game called Jet Jumper, you play a jumping jet that zips through more high speed levels than you can shake a stick at. Jet Jumper will pit you against the treachery of obstacles like laser fences, lava platforms and bombs, all the while trying to leap between platforms with split-second timing. Jet Jumper is a game that can’t help but suck you in – chances are you’ll be rubbish at Jet Jumper at first, but give it a while and it’ll take over your life.

Order Jet Jumper Now

Download Jet Jumper

0 comments Read more >>>

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →