Article Archive for October 2006
It's easy to imitate Elton John - all you need is a pair of ridiculously outlandish glasses, a big ginger wig and a month's supply of profiteroles - but actually being like Elton John is another matter entirely.
But Elton John, the helpful chap that he is, has just made being exactly like Elton John a whole lot easier. It's been announced that a new line of Elton John scented candles are being released, meaning that now homes across the land can start smelling exactly like Elton John wants them to smell - even though an Elton John candle range will only really appeal to the people who like Elton John enough to have bought his latest album, which isn't really that many.
Terrence Howard wants an Oscar so badly that he probably cries himself to sleep at night for not having one already. That's the only reason to explain why Terrence Howard is going to make a biopic about country singer Charley Pride, anyway.
Charley who? Oh, come on - you know who Charley Pride is. Burgers And Fries Charley Pride. Kaw-Liga Charley Pride. Come On Home And Sing The Blues To Daddy Charley Pride. OK, so we don't know who Charley Pride is either - but that isn't stopping Terrence Howard from being in a film about his life, since it's a golden rule that starring in a movie as a recently-dead singer is the fastest way to Oscar glory. And, yes, we know that Charley Pride isn't dead yet, so we're fully expecting Terrence Howard to pull off some Wile E Coyote-style assassination attempts on Charley Pride in the run-up to the movie's release.
It's been about six or seven seconds since The Beatles last found a way to cynically repackage some of their songs and pass it off as new material, so we were always going to be due some kind of new Beatles crap soon.
And now it's arrived. Next month, The Beatles are going to release 'new' album Love. And when we say 'new' we mean 'lots of bits of old Beatles songs mangled together'. And when we say 'album' we mean 'a soundtrack to a bunch of poncey French acrobats leaping around that's coming out on CD just in time for Christmas'. Cleared that up? Good.
George Clooney hates it when the paparazzi follow him around, and so do we - if we wanted to see pictures of grizzled old men in all our magazines, we'd subscribe to Gnarled Homeless Bloke Weekly and nothing else.
But however much we dislike seeing pictures of George Clooney in magazines, George Clooney hates it even more. That's why George Clooney has hatched a cunning plan to destroy the paparazzi. Well, we say 'cunning' but it sounds more like a flimsy excuse for George Clooney to lure Leonardo DiCaprio into bed than anything else to us.
Long-time readers of hecklerspray will know our opinions of jigsaw puzzles already - namely that if you want to look at a pretty picture, buy the picture, not a version of the picture that's been smashed into a thousand fragments - but Jig Art Quest is different. Good, even.
Ah Africa, a beautiful country filled with beautiful African-Americans. And Australia, a land where you don't get physically hurt for sticking your hand into a warm sticky kangaroo pouch if you do it fast enough, and the animal is asleep or inebriated.
And let us not forget hecklerspray-opia, a recently contrived land poised for a healthy dab of world domination! Recently drawn up in one of our extremely long board meetings, hecklerspray-opia'll be crushing all governments before it sometime during the fall of '09, assuming we get awesome stuff invented and the weather's not too breezy.
And what a land it'll be! We'll have a flat tax, no poor, and entire rivers made out of purple Care Bear blood! The Care Bear blood was Stu's idea. In hecklerspray-opia we're gonna put a decent speaker on every cloud, giving our newly enslaved not-enslaved-at-all world unprecedented levels of ambiance. From those speakers we'll play wonderful music from artists like Beenie Man, UNKLE, Archers of Loaf, and Toadies - just like on the next page!
We're getting too anxious, let's make it Summer '09.
Gnarled old actor-type Mickey Rourke - 'gnarled' being a polite term for 'has a face like a bag of Wine Gums exposed to high G-Force' - has angrily dismissed claims that he is homophobic.
The controversy all stemmed from Rourke's recounting of a fight he almost had in New York City. Apparently the 'interesting' career choice of becoming a rubbish boxer for several years hasn't quite managed to purge all the nasty violent impulses out of his (considerable) system.
The new series of Strictly Come Dancing starts this weekend, and we're so excited that we're building a giant wicker effigy of Bruce Forsyth so we can trap anyone who doesn't like Strictly Come Dancing in the chin section and burn them. Over the last two days we've looked at the betting odds of six Strictly Come Dancing contestants. But they've all been crap - at least now on day three of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds rundown we can start looking at the dancers who are, if not good, less rubbish than Jimmy Tarbuck. Don't forget that anyone brave enough to put in a pre-series Strictly Come Dancing bet at PaddyPower will be rewarded by the most insane odds you can think of. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash, Carol Smillie and Matt Dawson, with betting odds from PaddyPower...
