From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Awesome Or Off-Putting: The Mysterious Piri Reis Antarctic Map

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Ancient Artifacts

The first recorded sighting of Antarctica is generally accepted as having been in the year 1820. The last time Antarctica wasn’t covered in a mile thick sheet of ice was approximately 4000 years BC – so say some scientists. Not too strange yet – right?

Ah, but it is, because in the year 1513 a Turkish admiral named Piri Reis managed to sketch out Antarctica’s entire northern coast on a gazelle skin in perfect detail. And he sketched the continent’s underlying land mass – not the ice shelf that’d been covering it for five and a half millennia at the time.

And that, you see, is the mystery of Piri Reis’ map.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable. This week: Ancient Artifacts The first recorded sighting of Antarctica is generally accepted as having been in the year 1820. The last time Antarctica wasn't covered in a mile thick sheet of ice was approximately 4000 years BC - so say some scientists. Not too strange yet - right? Ah, but it is, because in the year 1513 a Turkish admiral named Piri Reis managed to sketch out Antarctica's entire northern coast on a gazelle skin in perfect detail. And he sketched the continent's underlying land mass - not the ice shelf that'd been covering it for five and a half millennia at the time. And that, you see, is the mystery of Piri Reis' map.
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Eva Longoria Splits Up With Long-Suffering Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

When you have a hectic professional schedule, it’s hard holding down a relationship. Wailing cameltoe Eva Longoria knows this only too well, since she’s apparently broken up with her boyfriend Tony Parker.

The break up of a romance like the one between Eva Longoria and Tony Parker is never nice to endure, but we say: look on the bright side, kids! As sad as it seems for Eva Longoria and Tony Parker at the moment, now Tony Parker won’t have a girlfriend who keeps telling everyone how crap he is at having sex, and Eva Longoria now has much more time to keep advertising every single service and product known to man all the flipping time.

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Amanda Peet Marries Someone Even Less Famous Than She Is

by Stuart Heritage

We always feel a warm glow in our hearts when celebrities get married – well, we do once we’ve had to look up on the internet who exactly they are, like we had to do with Amanda Peet, anyway.

Oh come on – you know who Amanda Peet is; she’s the woman from the two worst Bruce Willis films ever – The Whole Nine Yards and The Whole Ten Yards – and a dreadful Ashton Kutcher film. Yeah, her. Anyway, Amanda Peet got married at the weekend to the man who wrote Troy. And the naked woman from Showgirls was a guest, too. This is A-list stuff, people.

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Kylie Minogue Flogs Her Opportunistic Kid’s Book

by Stuart Heritage

Kylie Minogue has been through a lot these last few months, like fighting breast cancer and watching her sister shamelessly pretend to be a lesbian in order to try and sell some copies of her lame-duck Greatest Hits album, but she kept herself busy.

While she was recovering from her cancer treatment, Kylie Minogue decided to rip-off Madonna indulge her creativity and write her own children’s book – entitled The Showgirl Princess – about a special little girl who has it off with Michael Hutchence, stops being famous, gets her arse out in a music video and then gets cancer. OK, so we don’t know if that’s actually what happens in The Showgirl Princess – we tried to read it but some of the words were quite long.

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It’s Open Season On US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

This weekend, moviegoers were forced to make a harrowing choice – do they pay to go and see a film starring the flesh and blood Ashton Kutcher or a film starring a cartoon Ashton Kutcher with antlers?

Unsurprisingly, the cartoon Ashton Kutcher won out. Open Season – roughly the 863rd computer animated film about funny animals to be released this year – is the top movie in the US weekend box office. That leaves The Guardian – the movie where a sadly unantlered Ashton Kutcher doesn’t get pelted with nuts by a million angry squirrels – at US weekend box office number two.

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George Michael In Another Snoozy Car Drugs Bust

by Stuart Heritage

Once George Michael said he was never going to dance again because “guilty feet have got no rhythm.” Now though, George Michael isn’t going to dance again because he’s all druggy and asleep in his car. Again.

According to reports, George Michael was arrested and cautioned on Sunday after being found slumped over the wheel of his car in London with a bunch of cannabis apparently in his possession. Just like the last time George Michael was found slumped over the wheel of his car in London with a bunch of cannabis apparently in his possession. Perhaps we’re all rushing to conclusions here, though – there’s a chance that George Michael didn’t fall asleep in his car because of all the drugs, and that he was merely attempting to drive his car while listening to any George Michael solo album.

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SLACKERJACK – Runes Of Shalack

by Stuart Heritage

Runes Of Shalack is a videogame the way videogames are meant to be, simplistic, crude and with a soundtrack that sounds like a robot having a nervous breakdown.

Runes Of Shalack couldn’t be any simpler if you made it out of Duplo – you play a skinny white man with a big square head collecting up circles, presumably the runes of Shalack, and dashing to the exit. And that’s it. Obviously Runes Of Shalack gets tougher after a while with the addition of spikes and assorted other nasty crap, but running and jumping is pretty much the crux of it. Oh, and why have no idea why Runes Of Shalack is called Runes Of Shalack – with graphics this endearingly dodgy, the games creators could have said it was about a magical dog collecting diamond violins and nobody would be any the wiser.

Play Runes Of Shalack now

Runes Of Shalack is a videogame the way videogames are meant to be, simplistic, crude and with a soundtrack that sounds like a robot having a nervous breakdown. Runes Of Shalack couldn't be any simpler if you made it out of Duplo - you play a skinny white man with a big square head collecting up circles, presumably the runes of Shalack, and dashing to the exit. And that's it. Obviously Runes Of Shalack gets tougher after a while with the addition of spikes and assorted other nasty crap, but running and jumping is pretty much the crux of it. Oh, and why have no idea why Runes Of Shalack is called Runes Of Shalack - with graphics this endearingly dodgy, the games creators could have said it was about a magical dog collecting diamond violins and nobody would be any the wiser. Play Runes Of Shalack now
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Coleen McLoughlin – “Being A WAG Is Hard Work”

by Matthew Laidlow

Monday to Friday, you wake up as soon as you hear the alarm clock ringing. It’s telling you to get your lazy arse out of bed and force yourself to that 9-5 desk job that you love oh-so very much.

Most people have their own idea of what their own perfect job would be. For pretty much all of the hardworking staff at hecklerspray we’d quite like to be beer tasters. How class would it be to get paid to drink nothing but beer all day in a permanant self-loathing hungover fug? We know it would be ace, but sadly it’s not going to come true. Some people are just luck, though. Take Coleen McLoughlin for example. All she has to do all day is be famous just because her boyfriend plays football. But you know what? All Coleen McLouglin can do is whine about how hard her job is.

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Celebrity Haiku Competition: Foolish Naked Noel Edmonds

by C J Davies

What’s more rubbish than a Monday? We certainly can’t think of anything. Oh – apart from Oliver Stone’s World Trade Centre, which hecklerspray can now confirm is the worst attempt at ‘creative expression’ in the history of mankind.

What we’re trying to say is this: Mondays are rubbish. So rubbish, in fact, that we were actually a little bit worried that several of you may try to take your own lives in weep-stained fits of unbridled despair.

Which is why we invented our weekly feature Celebrity Haiku Competition – a shining beacon amidst a sea of real-life mundanity (we did consider calling it At Last You Peasants Have Something To Live For, but felt that it just wasn’t quite punchy enough).

For those of you yet to experience Celebrity Haiku Competition – yeah, probably all too busy with your ‘lives’ and ‘jobs’ and ‘girlfriends’, we expect – the notion is simple. Each and every week we challenge you to write the bestest-ever Haiku about a topical celebrity story.

This week we’re looking silly old beard-wearer Noel Edmonds, who’s suddenly decided to admit that he drives cars around at 186mph. Naked.

But first let’s have a gander at last week’s winner…

What's more rubbish than a Monday? We certainly can't think of anything. Oh - apart from Oliver Stone's World Trade Centre, which hecklerspray can now confirm is the worst attempt at 'creative expression' in the history of mankind. What we're trying to say is this: Mondays are rubbish. So rubbish, in fact, that we were actually a little bit worried that several of you may try to take your own lives in weep-stained fits of unbridled despair. Which is why we invented our weekly feature Celebrity Haiku Competition - a shining beacon amidst a sea of real-life mundanity (we did consider calling it At Last You Peasants Have Something To Live For, but felt that it just wasn't quite punchy enough). For those of you yet to experience Celebrity Haiku Competition - yeah, probably all too busy with your 'lives' and 'jobs' and 'girlfriends', we expect - the notion is simple. Each and every week we challenge you to write the bestest-ever Haiku about a topical celebrity story. This week we're looking silly old beard-wearer Noel Edmonds, who's suddenly decided to admit that he drives cars around at 186mph. Naked. But first let's have a gander at last week's winner...
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Jamie Oliver Abused By Schoolchildren

by Matthew Laidlow

Childhood. Happy times loved and cherished by all. Back when you were little, you didn’t have anything major to worry about it. As a 11-year-old, the thought of getting a job in the real world, finding a mortgage and maybe even going to university were just distant things. Nothing to worry about.

Being a kid also meant you could do stuff that you can’t really do now when you’re all mature – and get away with them, too. Things like, say, shouting a barrage of swearwords at fat-mouthed middle-class “I’ve got an olive in me helmet” posterboy dinnerlady Jamie Oliver for making their school canteen sell only sticks of celery.

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