From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Justin Timberlake To Yank Janet Jackson’s Norks Out Again?

by Stuart Heritage

It was literally the most shocking thing that any American had ever seen in their entire lives – Justin Timberlake was duetting with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl and Janet Jackson’s mostly-covered tit flopped out.

In many ways, Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl Nipplegate wardrobe malfunction was the end of popular entertainment, because there is genuinely no way that you can top seeing part of a 38-year-old woman’s boob on a screen for a millisecond. But maybe – just maybe – Janet Jackson has something planned to better even Nipplegate; it’s rumoured that Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson are planning a big surprise reunion of some sort.

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Avril Lavigne Sorry For Gobbing On A Snapper

by Stuart Heritage

Avril Lavigne is famously as dumb as a box of hair, and it’s heartwarming to see that – just because she’s temporarily stopped inflicting her dreadful music on everyone – her time away from the limelight hasn’t smartened her up any.

Avril Lavigne, you see, has been forced to apologise for spitting at two different photographers over the course of a single week in case whatever fans she has left decide that spitting on the paparazzi is a bit disgusting. Ironically, though, the spat-at paparazzi were only following Avril Lavigne around so much in the hope that she’d lead them to some people who are, you know, actually famous. Probably.

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Bobby Brown To Probably Get Arrested Quite Soon

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when Bobby Brown was the coolest cat around? No? Oh, actually you’re right – Bobby Brown has always been a bit of a tit – but, even for him, things appear to be falling apart fast at the moment.

The days when Bobby Brown would happily spend long winter evenings in yanking out handfuls of constipated shit from Whitney Houston’s arse seem like light years ago now – it was yesterday declared that the second that Bobby Brown enters the state of Massachusetts, he’ll be arrested for failing to stump up any kind of child support for his teenage children from an old relationship. That’s terrible news for the Peabody, Mass New Edition Appreciation Society who are now probably looking for another guest speaker for their annual Halloween ‘How To Be An Obnoxious Wanker’ convention.

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George Michael: What Drug Problem?

by Stuart Heritage

George Michael is fast becoming more famous for getting arrested for falling asleep at the wheel of his car with drugs on him than he is for churning out blandly pointless music that only hairdressers like.

However, despite getting arrested and cautioned on Sunday for doing the whole sleepy car drug possession thing again, George Michael spent much of yesterday insisting that he doesn’t have a drug problem. A problem with making songs that don’t have a tune lately, yes. A problem with looking like a twat in newspapers all the time, yes. But a drug problem? Don’t be daft.

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SLACKERJACK – Intensity XS Recharge

by Stuart Heritage

OK, OK – we’re fully aware that Intensity XS Recharge has a name that makes it sound like a particularly shit supermarket own-brand energy drink but, trust us, it isn’t.

Instead, Intensity XS Recharge is a borderline-deranged horizontal shoot ‘em up that seems to have been created by a madman hell-bent on destroying the world’s productivity. You’ve seen Intensity XS Recharge’s type before – you zoom across a number of levels in a spaceship laying waste to everything in your path – but Intensity XS Recharge has got two very special things going for it. Firstly, the game’s power-ups are so ridiculously over-the-top that it’ll be all you can do not to start squealing like Skeletor at the end of the Masters Of The Universe film when you get to use them, and secondly the Intensity XS Recharge bosses are about 50 times bigger than your puny fighter ship, and have to be seen to be believed.

Order Intensity XS Recharge Now

Download Intensity XS Recharge

OK, OK - we're fully aware that Intensity XS Recharge has a name that makes it sound like a particularly shit supermarket own-brand energy drink but, trust us, it isn't. Instead, Intensity XS Recharge is a borderline-deranged horizontal shoot 'em up that seems to have been created by a madman hell-bent on destroying the world's productivity. You've seen Intensity XS Recharge's type before - you zoom across a number of levels in a spaceship laying waste to everything in your path - but Intensity XS Recharge has got two very special things going for it. Firstly, the game's power-ups are so ridiculously over-the-top that it'll be all you can do not to start squealing like Skeletor at the end of the Masters Of The Universe film when you get to use them, and secondly the Intensity XS Recharge bosses are about 50 times bigger than your puny fighter ship, and have to be seen to be believed. Order Intensity XS Recharge Now Download Intensity XS Recharge
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Free New Crap: Chips – Chicken – Banana Split By Jo-Jo And The Fugitives

by Stuart Heritage

It’s October now, traditionally the month of putting on a woolly jumper, sitting round a campfire drinking hot chocolate and enjoying the beauty of autumn. Only, no. It’s even more sodding summery than August was.

Free New Crap knows this, and Free New Crap will reflect this by giving you to download – legally and for free – one of the most bonkers soul/reggae songs we’ve ever heard: Chips – Chicken – Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives. As is becoming tediously familiar, we don’t know the first thing about Jo-Jo And The Fugitives, bar the fact that – since Chips – Chicken – Banana Split comes from an album called Jamaica To Toronto: Soul Funk & Reggae 1967-1974 – Jo-Jo And The Fugitives were a Jamaican band who lived in Toronto somewhere around 1967-1974.

But the fact we don’t know much about Jo-Jo And The Fugitives shouldn’t put you off downloading Chips – Chicken – Banana Split, because Chips – Chicken – Banana Split is awesome; imagine Toots Hibbert fronting The JB’s and you’re halfway there. Chips – Chicken – Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives has got the fattest breakbeat you’ll hear all week, punchy brass, the most furious organ in the history of recorded sound and a lyric that sounds like a man ordering lunch at a Little Chef. Chips – Chicken – Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives will hit you like an injection of Red Bull, and – even better than that – it’s yours for free. You’re welcome.

Download Chips – Chicken – Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives

Buy at iTunes Music Store

It's October now, traditionally the month of putting on a woolly jumper, sitting round a campfire drinking hot chocolate and enjoying the beauty of autumn. Only, no. It's even more sodding summery than August was. Free New Crap knows this, and Free New Crap will reflect this by giving you to download - legally and for free - one of the most bonkers soul/reggae songs we've ever heard: Chips - Chicken - Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives. As is becoming tediously familiar, we don't know the first thing about Jo-Jo And The Fugitives, bar the fact that - since Chips - Chicken - Banana Split comes from an album called Jamaica To Toronto: Soul Funk & Reggae 1967-1974 - Jo-Jo And The Fugitives were a Jamaican band who lived in Toronto somewhere around 1967-1974. But the fact we don't know much about Jo-Jo And The Fugitives shouldn't put you off downloading Chips - Chicken - Banana Split, because Chips - Chicken - Banana Split is awesome; imagine Toots Hibbert fronting The JB's and you're halfway there. Chips - Chicken - Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives has got the fattest breakbeat you'll hear all week, punchy brass, the most furious organ in the history of recorded sound and a lyric that sounds like a man ordering lunch at a Little Chef. Chips - Chicken - Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives will hit you like an injection of Red Bull, and - even better than that - it's yours for free. You're welcome. Download Chips - Chicken - Banana Split by Jo-Jo And The Fugitives Buy at iTunes Music Store
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Katie Melua Sings Some Songs Underwater, Breaks Record

by Stuart Heritage

Katie Melua’s distinctive brand of deathly dull, wishy-washy, Parkinson-friendly snoozepop has conquered much of planet Earth, except for one place – 303 metres under the sea.

So, sensing that 303 metres underwater was a key untapped sales market, Katie Melua did what any self-respecting attention-seeker would do and played a concert for anyone who happened to be 303 metres underwater at the time. And Katie Melua broke the record for playing the world’s deepest underwater concert while she was at it. But that’s not all – Katie Melua also helped break the world record for the most suicidally indifferent underground oil rig workers.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Tarbuck, Bouzova, Ravens

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know about you, but we’re sitting here writing this dressed in pornographically tight trousers and a bright pink frilly shirt open to the navel – and it’s all in honour of the return of Strictly Come Dancing.

On Saturday night, the whole county will unite in coming together in front of its TV screens to watch Strictly Come Dancing, where a bunch of wobbly semi-famous personalities will try and ballroom dance while a Scouse witch screams abuse at them and a confused old man forgets everyone’s name. And if that isn’t entertainment, we just don’t know what is. Do you know everyone who’ll be in Strictly Come Dancing yet? We do, and we’ve got all their odds of winning, too.

Here are today’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Jimmy Tarbuck, Georgina Bouzova and Jan Ravens…

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Robin Williams Says A Bunch of Funnyish Rehab Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

Robin Williams has been away from the limelight for a few weeks now – we know this since we’ve watched at least three recent awards show not punctuated by weird, semi-comprehensible Robin Williams gibbering.

At least Robin Williams disappeared for a good enough reason, though; he’d decided to hole himself up in rehab again for fear that he was about to turn into a full-scale alcoholic again. For most people, rehab is a deathly serious place to be; a place to go and be surrounded by those who have ruined their lives with alcohol and substance abuse. Not Robin Williams, though – Robin Williams seems to have spent all his time in rehab thinking up a bunch of rehab jokes, which he told one after another at a recent press junket to promote his new film, to the delight of both people in the world who aren’t getting a bit tired of Mel Gibson jokes already.

Robin Williams has been away from the limelight for a few weeks now - we know this since we've watched at least three recent awards show not punctuated by weird, semi-comprehensible Robin Williams gibbering. At least Robin Williams disappeared for a good enough reason, though; he'd decided to hole himself up in rehab again for fear that he was about to turn into a full-scale alcoholic again. For most people, rehab is a deathly serious place to be; a place to go and be surrounded by those who have ruined their lives with alcohol and substance abuse. Not Robin Williams, though - Robin Williams seems to have spent all his time in rehab thinking up a bunch of rehab jokes, which he told one after another at a recent press junket to promote his new film, to the delight of both people in the world who aren't getting a bit tired of Mel Gibson jokes already.
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Anna Nicole Smith Probably Not As Married As You Think

by Stuart Heritage

This whole Anna Nicole Smith thing is getting mighty confusing, isn’t it? Here’s a recap: so far Anna Nicole Smith has a dead billionaire husband, a dead son, an alive daughter with possibly a lawyer father and an alive husband.

No, scrap that last one. Although it was rumoured over the weekend that Anna Nicole Smith got married to Howard K Stern, her lawyer and apparently the father of her new baby girl, on a boat over the weekend as a ‘shot of emotional adrenaline’ to help her get over the death of her son Daniel, it’s now become apparent that Anna Nicole Smith didn’t actually marry Howard K Stern at all, and just went out on a boat to tell God how much she loved him. Screw a shot of emotional adrenaline, we’re gonna need a flip chart and a set of magic markers to work this beast of a puzzle out…

This whole Anna Nicole Smith thing is getting mighty confusing, isn't it? Here's a recap: so far Anna Nicole Smith has a dead billionaire husband, a dead son, an alive daughter with possibly a lawyer father and an alive husband. No, scrap that last one. Although it was rumoured over the weekend that Anna Nicole Smith got married to Howard K Stern, her lawyer and apparently the father of her new baby girl, on a boat over the weekend as a 'shot of emotional adrenaline' to help her get over the death of her son Daniel, it's now become apparent that Anna Nicole Smith didn't actually marry Howard K Stern at all, and just went out on a boat to tell God how much she loved him. Screw a shot of emotional adrenaline, we're gonna need a flip chart and a set of magic markers to work this beast of a puzzle out...
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