From the monthly archives:

October 2006

The Beatles To Pump Out ‘New’ Mash-Up Album Love

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been about six or seven seconds since The Beatles last found a way to cynically repackage some of their songs and pass it off as new material, so we were always going to be due some kind of new Beatles crap soon.

And now it’s arrived. Next month, The Beatles are going to release ‘new’ album Love. And when we say ‘new’ we mean ‘lots of bits of old Beatles songs mangled together’. And when we say ‘album’ we mean ‘a soundtrack to a bunch of poncey French acrobats leaping around that’s coming out on CD just in time for Christmas’. Cleared that up? Good.

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George Clooney Wants To Date Leonardo DiCaprio

by Stuart Heritage

George Clooney hates it when the paparazzi follow him around, and so do we – if we wanted to see pictures of grizzled old men in all our magazines, we’d subscribe to Gnarled Homeless Bloke Weekly and nothing else.

But however much we dislike seeing pictures of George Clooney in magazines, George Clooney hates it even more. That’s why George Clooney has hatched a cunning plan to destroy the paparazzi. Well, we say ‘cunning’ but it sounds more like a flimsy excuse for George Clooney to lure Leonardo DiCaprio into bed than anything else to us.

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SLACKERJACK – Jig Art Quest

by Stuart Heritage

Long-time readers of hecklerspray will know our opinions of jigsaw puzzles already – namely that if you want to look at a pretty picture, buy the picture, not a version of the picture that’s been smashed into a thousand fragments – but Jig Art Quest is different. Good, even.

Jig Art Quest is, on the surface at least, a jigsaw puzzle game that makes a lot of noise about its special ‘themes’. In reality, the Jig Art Quest themes are a lot of namby-pamby nonsense – they’re the sort of themes that only Lord Of The Rings fans who wear black T-shirts with pictures of wolves on them and buy those new-age sound effects CDs from Woolworths will enjoy – but the real Jig Art Quest fun comes with the feature that allows to to make your own jigsaw puzzles. Want to try and piece together that picture of your flatmate puking kebab and alcopops into a policeman’s helmet moments before he was beaten unconscious by said policeman? Jig Art Quest is the game for you.

Order Jig Art Quest Now

Download Jig Art Quest

Long-time readers of hecklerspray will know our opinions of jigsaw puzzles already - namely that if you want to look at a pretty picture, buy the picture, not a version of the picture that's been smashed into a thousand fragments - but Jig Art Quest is different. Good, even. Jig Art Quest is, on the surface at least, a jigsaw puzzle game that makes a lot of noise about its special 'themes'. In reality, the Jig Art Quest themes are a lot of namby-pamby nonsense - they're the sort of themes that only Lord Of The Rings fans who wear black T-shirts with pictures of wolves on them and buy those new-age sound effects CDs from Woolworths will enjoy - but the real Jig Art Quest fun comes with the feature that allows to to make your own jigsaw puzzles. Want to try and piece together that picture of your flatmate puking kebab and alcopops into a policeman's helmet moments before he was beaten unconscious by said policeman? Jig Art Quest is the game for you. Order Jig Art Quest Now Download Jig Art Quest
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Downright Dynamite Downloads Of The Week: UNKLE, Beenie Man, Toadies…

by Shawn Lindseth

Ah Africa, a beautiful country filled with beautiful African-Americans. And Australia, a land where you don’t get physically hurt for sticking your hand into a warm sticky kangaroo pouch if you do it fast enough, and the animal is asleep or inebriated.

And let us not forget hecklerspray-opia, a recently contrived land poised for a healthy dab of world domination! Recently drawn up in one of our extremely long board meetings, hecklerspray-opia’ll be crushing all governments before it sometime during the fall of ’09, assuming we get awesome stuff invented and the weather’s not too breezy.

And what a land it’ll be! We’ll have a flat tax, no poor, and entire rivers made out of purple Care Bear blood! The Care Bear blood was Stu’s idea. In hecklerspray-opia we’re gonna put a decent speaker on every cloud, giving our newly enslaved not-enslaved-at-all world unprecedented levels of ambiance. From those speakers we’ll play wonderful music from artists like Beanie Man, UNKLE, Archers of Loaf, and Toadies – just like on the next page!

We’re getting too anxious, let’s make it Summer ’09.

Ah Africa, a beautiful country filled with beautiful African-Americans. And Australia, a land where you don't get physically hurt for sticking your hand into a warm sticky kangaroo pouch if you do it fast enough, and the animal is asleep or inebriated. And let us not forget hecklerspray-opia, a recently contrived land poised for a healthy dab of world domination! Recently drawn up in one of our extremely long board meetings, hecklerspray-opia'll be crushing all governments before it sometime during the fall of '09, assuming we get awesome stuff invented and the weather's not too breezy. And what a land it'll be! We'll have a flat tax, no poor, and entire rivers made out of purple Care Bear blood! The Care Bear blood was Stu's idea. In hecklerspray-opia we're gonna put a decent speaker on every cloud, giving our newly enslaved not-enslaved-at-all world unprecedented levels of ambiance. From those speakers we'll play wonderful music from artists like Beanie Man, UNKLE, Archers of Loaf, and Toadies - just like on the next page! We're getting too anxious, let's make it Summer '09.
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Mickey Rourke Hates The Gays?

by C J Davies

Gnarled old actor-type Mickey Rourke – ‘gnarled’ being a polite term for ‘has a face like a bag of Wine Gums exposed to high G-Force’ – has angrily dismissed claims that he is homophobic.

The controversy all stemmed from Rourke’s recounting of a fight he almost had in New York City. Apparently the ‘interesting’ career choice of becoming a rubbish boxer for several years hasn’t quite managed to purge all the nasty violent impulses out of his (considerable) system.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Dawson, Smillie, Ramprakash

by Stuart Heritage

The new series of Strictly Come Dancing starts this weekend, and we’re so excited that we’re building a giant wicker effigy of Bruce Forsyth so we can trap anyone who doesn’t like Strictly Come Dancing in the chin section and burn them.

Over the last two days we’ve looked at the betting odds of six Strictly Come Dancing contestants. But they’ve all been crap – at least now on day three of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds rundown we can start looking at the dancers who are, if not good, less rubbish than Jimmy Tarbuck. Don’t forget that anyone brave enough to put in a pre-series Strictly Come Dancing bet at PaddyPower will be rewarded by the most insane odds you can think of.

Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash, Carol Smillie and Matt Dawson, with betting odds from PaddyPower…

The new series of Strictly Come Dancing starts this weekend, and we're so excited that we're building a giant wicker effigy of Bruce Forsyth so we can trap anyone who doesn't like Strictly Come Dancing in the chin section and burn them. Over the last two days we've looked at the betting odds of six Strictly Come Dancing contestants. But they've all been crap - at least now on day three of Strictly Come Dancing betting odds rundown we can start looking at the dancers who are, if not good, less rubbish than Jimmy Tarbuck. Don't forget that anyone brave enough to put in a pre-series Strictly Come Dancing bet at PaddyPower will be rewarded by the most insane odds you can think of. Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Mark Ramprakash, Carol Smillie and Matt Dawson, with betting odds from PaddyPower...
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Beyonce Doesn’t Steal Her Lousy Songs – Official

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes we think that Beyonce is the most talented woman in history, what with all her songs that sound the same and that dance she does that looks like she’s running away from a monster through a room littered with mousetraps.

And sometimes we think that Beyonce is so flaming talented that we secretly wonder if all her ideas are her own. And we’re not the only ones – Beyonce was taken to court recently by a female songwriter who claimed that Beyonce had stolen the lyrics to the song Baby Boy from one of her old songs. However, a judge has thrown the case out on its ear, comprehensively proving that the one idea Beyonce has ever had is all her own.

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Sites We Like: Brandish

by Stuart Heritage

The internet falls mainly into two categories: the girly and the alarmingly pornographic. Where the hell are all the websites for blokes with too much money who want to spend it all on a bunch of insanely cool stuff, that’s what we want to know.

Help is at hand, and it looks like Brandish. Brandish is the self-proclaimed site dedicated to The Coolest Stuff in the World for blokes, and that’s a description we can’t really find fault with. Brandish comes kitted out with the latest must-have gadgets, fashion that won’t make you look like a metrosexual arsehead, illegally fast cars, fine Cuban cigars, and a toilet roll holder that looks like a robot’s head that we’d gladly commit any number of minor crimes to get hold of.

And don’t be doubting the quality of Brandish, either – word has it that it’s edited by Ollie Irish, one-time editor of everyone’s favourite gadgetporn magazine, Stuff. Go and look at Brandish now, and if you feel like buying your favourite entertainment blog a robot head toilet roll holder while you’re at it, then you just go ahead and do that too.

Read more:

Brandish

The internet falls mainly into two categories: the girly and the alarmingly pornographic. Where the hell are all the websites for blokes with too much money who want to spend it all on a bunch of insanely cool stuff, that's what we want to know. Help is at hand, and it looks like Brandish. Brandish is the self-proclaimed site dedicated to The Coolest Stuff in the World for blokes, and that's a description we can't really find fault with. Brandish comes kitted out with the latest must-have gadgets, fashion that won't make you look like a metrosexual arsehead, illegally fast cars, fine Cuban cigars, and a toilet roll holder that looks like a robot's head that we'd gladly commit any number of minor crimes to get hold of. And don't be doubting the quality of Brandish, either - word has it that it's edited by Ollie Irish, one-time editor of everyone's favourite gadgetporn magazine, Stuff. Go and look at Brandish now, and if you feel like buying your favourite entertainment blog a robot head toilet roll holder while you're at it, then you just go ahead and do that too. Read more: Brandish
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David Beckham Coaches Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a long fall from the top, as David Beckham is discovering. Just a few months ago, David Beckham was the captain of the national football team of the country that invented football – now he just teaches kids.

Perhaps that’s a bit misleading – since one of the kids that David Beckham is reportedly coaching is none other than Maddox Jolie Pitt, the adopted son of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Brad Pitt supposedly asked David Beckham to personally teach young Maddox some of his skills. And they’re paying off, too – since starting lessons with David Beckham, five-year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt has been kicking every single Argentinian he’s clapped eyes upon. And he’s already had it off with Rebecca Loos, too.

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Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby Might Not Be The Lawyer’s After All

by Stuart Heritage

The recent history of Anna Nicole Smith has been in turn amusing, happy, tragic, creepy, sad again and then confusingly weird. Now the weird paternity squabble over Anna Nicole Smith’s new baby is just annoying.

Up until recently, everyone was under the impression that Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter Dannielynn Hope was the product of the apparently deep love between Anna Nicole Smith and her lawyer Howard K Stern. Not so, says Anna’s ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, who says that the mealticket to all those dead magnate’s billions baby girl is his, and he’s demanding a paternity test to make it official. And while he’s at, he wants everyone tested for drugs too, damnit!

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