From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Madonna Doesn’t Want To Adopt No Goddamn AIDS Orphan

by Stuart Heritage

Yesterday the world was ablaze with the news that Madonna, fresh from earning more money by singing some songs on tour that you’ll ever see in your measly lives, had gone to Malawi to adopt a little AIDS orphan boy.

Sadly though, it looks like everyone got it wrong. While Madonna has gone to Malawi to help the orphans, Madonna has been getting her slaves to deny that she’s going to adopt one and bring him back with her, on the basis that – since many villages in Malawi are without electricity – the orphans that stay there will be much less likely to ever watch Swept Away and so therefore are much less likely to guffaw at Madonna’s acting than they would be if they became a child of Madonna.

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Paris Hilton & Shanna Moakler In Battle To The Death

by Stuart Heritage

Paris Hilton seems to be determined to corner every weird male niche sex fantasy going. Paris has done the filmed sex thing, the relentlessly dumb bimbo thing and now she appears to have done the girly catfight thing too.

According to reports, Paris Hilton was apparently involved in some kind of fight in the early hours of yesterday morning. And who was the opponent of Paris Hilton? None other than Shanna Moakler, the recently estranged wife of the member of Blink 182 that Paris Hilton was caught snogging the face off lately. Wow – having two equally pointless identikit blonde women fighting each other for your affection, it’s like the greatest love story ever or something.

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SLACKERJACK – Atlantis Sky Patrol

by Stuart Heritage

Before we delve into Atlantis Sky Patrol, some questions. 1) Isn’t Atlantis supposed to be underwater? 2) If this is so, then it doesn’t really have a sky, does it? 3) What’s there in Atlantis to patrol, anyway? Krill?

Facetious points aside, Atlantis Sky Patrol is actually quite a spiffy little game. According to the game’s official write-up, in Atlantis Sky Patrol you have to “Take flight with Atlantis Sky Patrol and knock out more than 100 doomsday devices that have been planted around the world.” What this actually means is that Atlantis Sky Patrol is another one of those ‘shoot the marbles and create chains of similarly-coloured marbles’ games, but the execution of Atlantis Sky Patrol is so good that you’ll forgive the creators for all their ridiculous ‘doomsday device’ talk. It’s fast, it’s smooth, it takes a decent amount of brain-power to complete and it looks great. What more could you ask of Atlantis Sky Patrol?

Order Atlantis Sky Patrol now

Download Atlantis Sky Patrol

Before we delve into Atlantis Sky Patrol, some questions. 1) Isn't Atlantis supposed to be underwater? 2) If this is so, then it doesn't really have a sky, does it? 3) What's there in Atlantis to patrol, anyway? Krill? Facetious points aside, Atlantis Sky Patrol is actually quite a spiffy little game. According to the game's official write-up, in Atlantis Sky Patrol you have to "Take flight with Atlantis Sky Patrol and knock out more than 100 doomsday devices that have been planted around the world." What this actually means is that Atlantis Sky Patrol is another one of those 'shoot the marbles and create chains of similarly-coloured marbles' games, but the execution of Atlantis Sky Patrol is so good that you'll forgive the creators for all their ridiculous 'doomsday device' talk. It's fast, it's smooth, it takes a decent amount of brain-power to complete and it looks great. What more could you ask of Atlantis Sky Patrol? Order Atlantis Sky Patrol now Download Atlantis Sky Patrol
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George Lucas Quitting The Movies

by Shawn Lindseth

For the past 16 years or so, hecklerspray’s been diligently searching for some Star Wars closure. The unspoken heat so obviously displayed between R2-D2 and Chewbacca needs desperately to be addressed.

We were thinking a more ideal (albeit sad and unconventional) end to Return of the Jedi would have been to have R2 give birth to a batch of Chewy’s puppies only to die instantly in the death star’s final explosion. So George Lucas, if you could change that digitally it’d be great for us. We don’t need a credit. And if you could do that before you quit the movie business altogether as you recently said you intend to do, it would make a lot more fiscal sense.

PS. Thanks for getting Han out of that kryptonite coffin. His UFO won’t fly itself you know.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Spoony, Fearon, King

by Stuart Heritage

It’s not long until the new series of Strictly Come Dancing begins on BBC1, and we can sense the preparations that are taking place behind the scenes. The dancers are limbering up, the judges are practising being pithy and Bruce Forsyth is desperately searching for his reading glasses, unaware that they’re balanced on top of his head like in that episode of The Wombles.

And the imminent arrival of Strictly Come Dancing means that there isn’t much time left for you to get a Strictly Come Dancing bet in before the series starts. Once all the contestants have done their first dance, everyone will know who’s good at dancing and who’s a rod-backed arsehole, and so the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds will shorten drastically. A bet placed now will be riskier, but the payoff will be bigger – as anyone who put a pre-series bet on Darren Gough last year will happily tell you once they’ve taken their diamond-studded jetpack off.

Here are today’s Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for DJ Spoony, Ray Fearon and Claire King, with help from PaddyPower.com…

More…

It's not long until the new series of Strictly Come Dancing begins on BBC1, and we can sense the preparations that are taking place behind the scenes. The dancers are limbering up, the judges are practising being pithy and Bruce Forsyth is desperately searching for his reading glasses, unaware that they're balanced on top of his head like in that episode of The Wombles. And the imminent arrival of Strictly Come Dancing means that there isn't much time left for you to get a Strictly Come Dancing bet in before the series starts. Once all the contestants have done their first dance, everyone will know who's good at dancing and who's a rod-backed arsehole, and so the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds will shorten drastically. A bet placed now will be riskier, but the payoff will be bigger - as anyone who put a pre-series bet on Darren Gough last year will happily tell you once they've taken their diamond-studded jetpack off. Here are today's Strictly Come Dancing betting odds, for DJ Spoony, Ray Fearon and Claire King, with help from PaddyPower.com... More...
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Kevin Federline Does Boozy Las Vegas Rampage Without Britney

by Stuart Heritage

Kevin Federline is a changed man. Now that he has a wife and two children to support, Kevin Federline has to be all grown up and matu- what’s that? Kevin Federline spent the weekend drunk out of his mind in Las Vegas?

OK, so Kevin Federline is still a bit of a twat. So much of a twat, in fact, that Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are apparently no longer talking to each other. Now, maybe if we all work together and pretend we’re really mad at Kevin Federline for going to Las Vegas and leaving Britney Spears at home with her two babies, maybe he’ll stop talking to us too. Or, you know, at least give up rapping at a push.

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Madonna Goes To Malawi To Bring Back Adopted Orphan

by Stuart Heritage

Never let it be said that Madonna doesn’t relish a challenge. Why just make do with singing a song, she reasons, when she could sing a song strapped to a gigantic mirrored crucifix for seeming no reason whatsoever.

And this approach extends to other aspects of Madonna’s life. Why get married to a clever, attractive man when she could get married to Guy Ritchie? And, more importantly, why just bring a straw donkey back from holiday when she could bring back her very own adopted AIDS orphan? And that, as far as anyone knows, is the reason why Madonna is in Malawi at the moment – and she’s apparently deciding which orphan to adopt by seeing which one flinches the least when she struts about in front of them showing off her 48-year-old vagina hidden behind her one of her horrific leotards.

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Matt Damon Raids Crack House

by Shawn Lindseth

There are lots of ways an actor can get into character for a specific role. Some crash-diet for a part while others move far away from a grateful family and friends to get themselves in the zone.

There really are several ways to nail a part. Matt Damon’s preferred method, for instance, involves a lot of snapping people’s faces in half and crushing their spines with big heavy plastic buckets filled with wheat or something.

Coincidentally, that’s incredibly similar to hecklerspray’s preferred acting method as well. Our mother says that’s why they didn’t ask us back for the fourth grade play – a shame too. We’d spent the entire year building up to it perfecting a pretty difficult stabbing motion.

Well Matt Damon’s got a big fancy movie coming out. It’s a Martin Scorsese film entitled The Departed, and in it Damon’s character has to infiltrate the police on behalf of his ne’er-do-well crime syndicate. Now we know what you’re thinking. A typical person’s first thought of Matt Damon is generally of him cuddling a panda or caressing a crying orphan baby back to sleep. How can he possibly play someone so hard and wicked?

There are lots of ways an actor can get into character for a specific role. Some crash-diet for a part while others move far away from a grateful family and friends to get themselves in the zone. There really are several ways to nail a part. Matt Damon's preferred method, for instance, involves a lot of snapping people's faces in half and crushing their spines with big heavy plastic buckets filled with wheat or something. Coincidentally, that's incredibly similar to hecklerspray's preferred acting method as well. Our mother says that's why they didn't ask us back for the fourth grade play - a shame too. We'd spent the entire year building up to it perfecting a pretty difficult stabbing motion. Well Matt Damon's got a big fancy movie coming out. It's a Martin Scorsese film entitled The Departed, and in it Damon's character has to infiltrate the police on behalf of his ne'er-do-well crime syndicate. Now we know what you're thinking. A typical person's first thought of Matt Damon is generally of him cuddling a panda or caressing a crying orphan baby back to sleep. How can he possibly play someone so hard and wicked?
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Now You Can Own Elton John: The Smelly Candle

by Stuart Heritage

It’s easy to imitate Elton John – all you need is a pair of ridiculously outlandish glasses, a big ginger wig and a month’s supply of profiteroles – but actually being like Elton John is another matter entirely.

But Elton John, the helpful chap that he is, has just made being exactly like Elton John a whole lot easier. It’s been announced that a new line of Elton John scented candles are being released, meaning that now homes across the land can start smelling exactly like Elton John wants them to smell – even though an Elton John candle range will only really appeal to the people who like Elton John enough to have bought his latest album, which isn’t really that many.

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Terrence Howard To Be In Some Country Singer Biopic

by Stuart Heritage

Terrence Howard wants an Oscar so badly that he probably cries himself to sleep at night for not having one already. That’s the only reason to explain why Terrence Howard is going to make a biopic about country singer Charley Pride, anyway.

Charley who? Oh, come on – you know who Charley Pride is. Burgers And Fries Charley Pride. Kaw-Liga Charley Pride. Come On Home And Sing The Blues To Daddy Charley Pride. OK, so we don’t know who Charley Pride is either – but that isn’t stopping Terrence Howard from being in a film about his life, since it’s a golden rule that starring in a movie as a recently-dead singer is the fastest way to Oscar glory. And, yes, we know that Charley Pride isn’t dead yet, so we’re fully expecting Terrence Howard to pull off some Wile E Coyote-style assassination attempts on Charley Pride in the run-up to the movie’s release.

Terrence Howard wants an Oscar so badly that he probably cries himself to sleep at night for not having one already. That's the only reason to explain why Terrence Howard is going to make a biopic about country singer Charley Pride, anyway. Charley who? Oh, come on - you know who Charley Pride is. Burgers And Fries Charley Pride. Kaw-Liga Charley Pride. Come On Home And Sing The Blues To Daddy Charley Pride. OK, so we don't know who Charley Pride is either - but that isn't stopping Terrence Howard from being in a film about his life, since it's a golden rule that starring in a movie as a recently-dead singer is the fastest way to Oscar glory. And, yes, we know that Charley Pride isn't dead yet, so we're fully expecting Terrence Howard to pull off some Wile E Coyote-style assassination attempts on Charley Pride in the run-up to the movie's release.
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