From the monthly archives:

October 2006

Now Stella McCartney Wants To ‘Kill That Bitch’ Heather Mills

by Stuart Heritage

Now that Paul McCartney has been branded a violent, frothy-mouthed wife abuser two times over, he needs to ensure that everything that happens from now until the end of his divorce is whiter than white.

Of course, being the king of inoffensive, two-thumbs-up, mullet-shaking MOR pop, Paul McCartney won’t have too much of a problem with this – he’s already used the ‘dignified silence’ trick to full effect in the face of all the recent domestic violence allegations – but those around Paul McCartney are having a slightly harder time keeping their graceful smiles in check. Like Paul’s daughter Stella McCartney for instance, who’s apparently started screaming about how much she wants to kill Heather Mills in the manner that a Columbo suspect would ten seconds before they’re arrested.

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Whitney Houston: Back & Sort Of Normalish

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a hard few years for Whitney Houston. She’s fought crack addiction, unrequited love from the world’s most dangerous terrorist leader and an ex-husband determined to pull turds out of her pooper with his fingers.

But now the old Whitney Houston that we knew and loved tolerated were openly disparaging about is back. Instead of a haggard old toothless confused crack addict crawling around the floor swatting imaginary demons from her head, the Whitney Houston who turned up to a fundraiser for diabetes in Beverly Hills on Saturday night was resplendent – dressed in a stunning evening gown dripping with jewels and constantly blowing kisses to besotted photographers. Well, she was either blowing kisses or subtly puffing the imaginary demons away, while sending coded messages to Osama bin Laden to come and get her. Who can really tell for sure?

It's been a hard few years for Whitney Houston. She's fought crack addiction, unrequited love from the world's most dangerous terrorist leader and an ex-husband determined to pull turds out of her pooper with his fingers. But now the old Whitney Houston that we knew and loved tolerated were openly disparaging about is back. Instead of a haggard old toothless confused crack addict crawling around the floor swatting imaginary demons from her head, the Whitney Houston who turned up to a fundraiser for diabetes in Beverly Hills on Saturday night was resplendent - dressed in a stunning evening gown dripping with jewels and constantly blowing kisses to besotted photographers. Well, she was either blowing kisses or subtly puffing the imaginary demons away, while sending coded messages to Osama bin Laden to come and get her. Who can really tell for sure?
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Awesome Or Off-Putting: Gef The Talking Mongoose

by Shawn Lindseth

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Myths

It’s Halloween week, so it’s only fitting hecklerspray push a particularly strange tale through your computer screens and into all your ghastly living rooms and web-covered cubicles. The story’s of a mongoose given the ability to speak by the hand of the devil. Or something. Technically we’re not exactly sure whose hand let Gef the mongoose talk, but we’ve narrowed it down to the lord of all darkness, or the same company that made Steven Hawking’s computerised voice simulator.

We lean towards the latter.

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Michael Jackson To Receive Award For Being Popular Once

by Stuart Heritage

Most kids these days don’t realise that Michael Jackson was once a superstar singer; they just think he’s that nice squeaky man who absolutely doesn’t want to show them porn, feed them Jesus Juice or molest them in any way.

Now, though, Michael Jackson is toying with the idea of returning to his day job of releasing mostly disappointing new albums every few years, so he’s going to need help reminding people that Michael Jackson used to sell millions of records and that Michael Jackson was once so famous that he had his own film where he turned into a car and did a dance with a big plasticine rabbit. The World Music Awards is only to happy to provide that help for Michael Jackson, and in two weeks he’ll be coming to London to be given a Diamond Award for being quite good 20 years ago.

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Saw III Explodes The Face Off The US Weekend Box Office

by Stuart Heritage

Ah, Halloween. The only time of year when people take leave of their senses enough to pay to watch a film about a woman getting her face exploded off by a collar made of shotgun shells – Saw III is top of the US weekend box office.

In fact, Saw III isn’t just top of the US weekend box office; Saw III is top of the US weekend box office by a bloody mile, taking over $34 million. To put that in context, more people have paid to see Saw III in its opening weekend this year than Miami Vice, Failure To Launch and Little Man, proving conclusively that seeing a man using a circular saw to slice open someone else’s throat in horrific detail is better than seeing Colin Farrell mumble on a speedboat, Sarah Jessica Parker lark around on a sailboat or a baby having sex with an adult woman. Who’d have guessed?

Ah, Halloween. The only time of year when people take leave of their senses enough to pay to watch a film about a woman getting her face exploded off by a collar made of shotgun shells - Saw III is top of the US weekend box office. In fact, Saw III isn't just top of the US weekend box office; Saw III is top of the US weekend box office by a bloody mile, taking over $34 million. To put that in context, more people have paid to see Saw III in its opening weekend this year than Miami Vice, Failure To Launch and Little Man, proving conclusively that seeing a man using a circular saw to slice open someone else's throat in horrific detail is better than seeing Colin Farrell mumble on a speedboat, Sarah Jessica Parker lark around on a sailboat or a baby having sex with an adult woman. Who'd have guessed?
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NBC In Great Big Dixie Chicks Ad Censoring Yawn

by Stuart Heritage

The Dixie Chicks will go down in history as one of country music’s most famous acts. Not for any of their songs, but because one of them once said that George W Bush was a fat girl who cried at the end of Pretty Woman and can’t throw a ball properly.

And thanks to that remark, nobody wants to touch The Dixie Chicks with a shitty stick any more. And that includes NBC – the network has decided to ban the broadcast of any commercials for the new Dixie Chicks movie Shut Up And Sing in case George W Bush sees one and decides that the head of NBC is a bit too Arab-looking for his liking. In its defence, NBC hasn’t commented on this apparent censoring, leading some people to believe that banning the Dixie Chicks ads had nothing to do with politics and more to do with the network simply preferring the evergreen country stylings of Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love) by Willie Lomax.

The Dixie Chicks will go down in history as one of country music's most famous acts. Not for any of their songs, but because one of them once said that George W Bush was a fat girl who cried at the end of Pretty Woman and can't throw a ball properly. And thanks to that remark, nobody wants to touch The Dixie Chicks with a shitty stick any more. And that includes NBC - the network has decided to ban the broadcast of any commercials for the new Dixie Chicks movie Shut Up And Sing in case George W Bush sees one and decides that the head of NBC is a bit too Arab-looking for his liking. In its defence, NBC hasn't commented on this apparent censoring, leading some people to believe that banning the Dixie Chicks ads had nothing to do with politics and more to do with the network simply preferring the evergreen country stylings of Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love) by Willie Lomax.
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SLACKERJACK – Roadie Runner

by Stuart Heritage

You know Dirty Pretty Things? They’re made of the members of The Libertines that aren’t the lanky skeleton who gets supermodels pregnant for a living, and they’re also fond of the Make Roads Safe campaign.

The story goes that Dirty Pretty Things got involved with Make Roads Safe after one of their fans was killed in a car crash, and Roadie Runner is the end product of this. Needless to say, road safety is very important – road crashes are the number one killer of young men in the UK, US and Ireland – but Roadie Runner goes about teaching you this in a deeply odd way. For starters, Roadie Runner is basically Frogger, only with a man scuttling across a motorway to get some instruments instead of a frog. And, as you know, the end result of 99% of Frogger games is death by getting run over. Also, when you die at Roadie Runner you’re treated to a blast of Bang Bang You’re Dead by Dirty Pretty Things. Odd fun.

Play Roadie Runner now

You know Dirty Pretty Things? They're made of the members of The Libertines that aren't the lanky skeleton who gets supermodels pregnant for a living, and they're also fond of the Make Roads Safe campaign. The story goes that Dirty Pretty Things got involved with Make Roads Safe after one of their fans was killed in a car crash, and Roadie Runner is the end product of this. Needless to say, road safety is very important - road crashes are the number one killer of young men in the UK, US and Ireland - but Roadie Runner goes about teaching you this in a deeply odd way. For starters, Roadie Runner is basically Frogger, only with a man scuttling across a motorway to get some instruments instead of a frog. And, as you know, the end result of 99% of Frogger games is death by getting run over. Also, when you die at Roadie Runner you're treated to a blast of Bang Bang You're Dead by Dirty Pretty Things. Odd fun. Play Roadie Runner now
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Watch The Juliette And The Licks Sticky Honey Video

by Stuart Heritage

hecklerspray likes logic. And logic says that musical vanity projects by Hollywood stars should always be terrible terrible sacks of crap that only deserve ridicule. So why the hell are we falling for Juliette And The Licks so hard?

Personally we blame Hot Kiss. The first single from the Juliette And The Licks Four On The Floor was a brain-frying chunk of sleazy rifforama with a video of Juliette Lewis staggering around London dressed as an Indian. Just when we were thinking that it was all a glorious one-off, along comes Sticky Honey. Sticky Honey by Juliette And The Licks has possibly the dumbest lyrics of any song in the history of the written word but, by God, does it ever rock like a bitch. And the Sticky Honey video by Juliette And The Licks doesn’t disappoint in the barmy stakes either; containing drug-squirting flowers, videos of stern robots, walls with spikes poking out of them, trapdoors, skeletons and guitars that fire lasers. And now, having seen the Sticky Honey video, we think we’re developing an alarming ‘thing’ for Juliette Lewis. And it’s only Monday. Yikes!

Watch The Juliette And The Licks Sticky Honey video

hecklerspray likes logic. And logic says that musical vanity projects by Hollywood stars should always be terrible terrible sacks of crap that only deserve ridicule. So why the hell are we falling for Juliette And The Licks so hard? Personally we blame Hot Kiss. The first single from the Juliette And The Licks Four On The Floor was a brain-frying chunk of sleazy rifforama with a video of Juliette Lewis staggering around London dressed as an Indian. Just when we were thinking that it was all a glorious one-off, along comes Sticky Honey. Sticky Honey by Juliette And The Licks has possibly the dumbest lyrics of any song in the history of the written word but, by God, does it ever rock like a bitch. And the Sticky Honey video by Juliette And The Licks doesn't disappoint in the barmy stakes either; containing drug-squirting flowers, videos of stern robots, walls with spikes poking out of them, trapdoors, skeletons and guitars that fire lasers. And now, having seen the Sticky Honey video, we think we're developing an alarming 'thing' for Juliette Lewis. And it's only Monday. Yikes! Watch The Juliette And The Licks Sticky Honey video
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Celebrity Haiku Competition: ‘Crackhead’ Keane

by C J Davies

Monday is here again.

You know what that means? Well, apart from sitting there weeping at your desk as you realise that your future lies in mid-level accountancy (and not professional flamenco dancing)? Monday means that its time for hecklerspray’s Celebrity Haiku Competition. And, that, friends – if nothing else – is surely reason enough for living.

Surely.

This week we’re looking at that moon-faced chap from dullrock non-band Keane. But first let’s take a look at last week’s winner.

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Steve ‘Stingray’ Irwin’s South Park Halloween Party

by Matthew Laidlow

As we all sadly know, the great self-proclaimed crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died a month or so ago in what can only be described as the most unlikely way of dying. We salute Mr Irwin. While he was out there in the outback fighting danger face-to-face, here at hecklerspray, we often panicked like girl when a wasp flew in the window and started buzzing at us angrily. We often wished Steve Irwin was there to wrestle it to the ground and save us.

For a bloke who came face to face with some of the most poisonous snakes and bad-ass spiders and alligators that rip your guts out in seconds, you’d have thought that Steve Irwin would at least get killed off by something a bit harder then a stingray. But alas, we all have to get to the pearly gates one day. But Steve Irwin has returned! In animated form! With a cartoon stingray hanging out of his chest!

As we all sadly know, the great self-proclaimed crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died a month or so ago in what can only be described as the most unlikely way of dying. We salute Mr Irwin. While he was out there in the outback fighting danger face-to-face, here at hecklerspray, we often panicked like girl when a wasp flew in the window and started buzzing at us angrily. We often wished Steve Irwin was there to wrestle it to the ground and save us. For a bloke who came face to face with some of the most poisonous snakes and bad-ass spiders and alligators that rip your guts out in seconds, you’d have thought that Steve Irwin would at least get killed off by something a bit harder then a stingray. But alas, we all have to get to the pearly gates one day. But Steve Irwin has returned! In animated form! With a cartoon stingray hanging out of his chest!
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