From the monthly archives:

October 2006

No Brown Loving For Lance Armstrong & Matthew McConaughey

by Stuart Heritage

That Matthew McConaughey, he’s – you know – well groomed, isn’t he? Stars in a lot of romantic comedies. And as for Lance Armstong, he spends all his time with a razor-sharp bike seat jutting into his anus, right?

You don’t think that, you know, Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong are, well, gay. Do you? They’ve been spending an awful lot of time with each other lately, quite often with their tops off. Well you can think again buddy, because Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong are totally not gay. How not gay are Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstong? So not gay that they can give interviews to magazines together spelling out exactly how not gay they are, that’s how not gay.

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MySpace Trawl – We Show Up On Radar

by Matthew Laidlow

If you’re searching the internet for porn, cheap flights, dating websites or if you really believe the random Nigerian man who wants to help you get rich quick is real then you’re in the wrong place. This is hecklerspray, where we actively [well sometimes] bring you entertainment stories. And this is MySpace Trawl where we prod you in the direction of music which is utterly unbelievably ace, but sadly unheard of.

You see, the major music stores, channels and magazines don’t like to adventure into areas which could be slightly dangerous or even – shockingly enough – original and good. They’re quite content with hammering out shit like albums by those X Factor people. Once the show’s finished and Kate Thornton is out of work again, nobody frankly cares about any of the losers on the show.

A sad story has to be told this week about our featured band, We Show Up On Radar. Ages ago, we went to see Kid Carpet play. You remember Kid Carpet – he’s the one who hammers out all of his songs from children’s instruments. Sounds nutty don’t it? But before him came We Show Up On Radar. We had no idea on what sounds were going to be produced from two people sitting behind an array of keyboards and lots of equipment with millions of buttons on.

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Justin Timberlake Makes Some Wonderful Clothes Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Justin Timberlake recently proclaimed that he’s bringing sexy back, before adding that we ‘oomshra-ukrums’ don’t know how to act – that’s what we thought he said anyway, we only heard the radio-edit of the song.

Our point is that Justin Timberlake really meant it when he told us that he was bringing sexy back. We had thought that he just meant he was bringing sexy back in a way that involved singing over the top of a noise that sounds like supermarket barcode-reader gone frantically out of control, but Justin Timberlake wants to bring sexy back in a more comprehensive way – Justin Timberlake has just designed his first clothing line, which has been through vigorously exacting scientific tests to ensure that each garment meets the requisite level of sexiness.

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Whitney Houston: Oh, I Wanna Divorce With Somebody

by Stuart Heritage

Whitney Houston – the world’s favourite crack-addicted, Kevin Costner co-starring, permanently-constipated, My Name Is Not Susan-singing 1980s pop-soul diva has officially filed from divorce from her husband Bobby Brown.

You know what that means? It means that Whitney Houston is back on the market. And she’s quite a catch, too – if you can put aside all the pretend demon-swiping, drug paraphernalia-filled houses and constant requests to pull dried-up turds out of her bottom, that is. And now that her divorce from Bobby Brown is really going ahead, Whitney Houston can be yours. Just so long as you can beat Osama bin Laden to her front door.

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Scary Spice Knocked Up By Donkey

by Shawn Lindseth

You’ve only just read the headline, and already you find yourselves plagued with the mental imagery of a donkey/human hybrid high-stepping around a gaudy stage in sparkly-platform shoes.

It’s a shocking image, it’s true. Lucky for us Mel B isn’t pregnant with the traditional oat-nibbling, Mexican-toting, puddle-drinking donkey type. No – she contains the seedling of one Eddie Murphy, a donkey-voiced man our sources tell us is really full of sperm. Mel B and Eddie Murphy are also said to be planning a knot-tying sometime next month, a ceremony which hecklerspray will have to decline when our invite arrives.

Seriously, we take Ginger’s side.

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Paul McCartney Fights Abuse Claim, May Use Broken Wine Glass

by Stuart Heritage

It’s a little known fact that if you play Good Day Sunshine from the Beatles album Revolver backwards, you can clearly hear Paul McCartney intone the phrases “They are my breasts” and “Stabby stab stab” about a minute in.

Of course you can’t. Or maybe you can. We haven’t really tried. But anyway, if the widely-reported divorce papers that Heather Mills filed against Paul McCartney recently are true, then Paul McCartney really did say “they are my breasts,” when he stopped Heather Mills from breastfeeding their children. Paul McCartney isn’t thought to have actually said “stabby stab stab” either, but Heather Mills says he did stab her with a broken wine glass, and “stabby stab stab” – as we’re all aware – is the universally-recognised verbal accompaniment to a stabbing, so who knows. Anyway, Paul McCartney has said that he’s going to fight all these abuse claims in the divorce court, unsurprisingly.

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SLACKERJACK – Empires And Dungeons

by Stuart Heritage

We have to admit it – RPGs scare the living daylights out of us. As human beings who just about have the wherewithal to make through a day in our real lives without walking into a wall or accidentally stabbing a waitress in the thigh with a fork, the idea of pretending to be anyone else for an extended period of time actually overloads our brain.

As such, Empires And Dungeons just sort of confuses us. Don’t get us wrong, Empires And Dungeons is an impressive game – full of potions and warriors and gold and monsters and stuff – but it befuddles us almost to the point of tears. We were the same with Dungeons And Dragons, you know. Anyway, people love Empires And Dungeons. The ArcadeTown bunch gave it 4.45 out of 5 – which is one of the highest scores a Slackerjack has ever got. That leads us to believe that Empires And Dungeons is a really good game, even if we are too shockingly dumb to know a good thing when we see it.

Order Empires And Dungeons Now

Download Empires And Dungeons

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Watch The Candie Payne I Wish Video

by Stuart Heritage

Here’s a sort of hecklerspray exclusive for you, the unofficial video for I Wish by Candie Payne. OK, so it’s not technically an exclusive since it’s all over YouTube, but I Wish isn’t out until next year so shut up.

Candie Payne is probably the most perfect pop star in the universe at the moment. Candie Payne is young and astoundingly beautiful and she makes exactly the sort of Brigitte Bardot/ James Bond/ ye-ye type music that we’d be perfectly happy to exclusively listen to for the rest of our lives. I Wish by Candie Payne is the perfect introduction – it’s all fuzzy guitar, dancing French Mod rhythm section and just about enough electronic distortion to keep things contemporary, all topped off with Candie Payne’s astonishing voice. I Wish by Candie Payne is a song that has to be heard to be believed – we first heard it on Sean Rowley’s radio show months ago and we’ve been salivating for a release date ever since. Candie Payne’s album isn’t due out until ‘early’ next year, but that isn’t enough to stop us queueing up outside HMV for it immediately. And at least we’ll have the Candie Payne I Wish video to keep us company while we’re there.

Watch the Candie Payne I Wish video now

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Pete Doherty Sort Of Doing OK-ish With The Drugs

by Stuart Heritage

It’s hard to imagine what Pete Doherty would be like without drugs – a waft of dirty steam in a porkpie hat, probably – but it’s something we’ll possibly get to see soon, as Pete’s been back in court for a review of his drugs treatment.

And how has Pete Doherty been judged to have done in his Battle Against Drugs So That He Can Get Back Inside Kate Moss’s Knickers? Well, according to an appearance in court yesterday, Pete Doherty has sort of done quite well, although everyone involved sounds a bit disappointed that he hadn’t done any better. We know this feeling exactly, having listened to two Libertines albums and a Babyshambles one once.

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Strictly Come Dancing Betting Odds: Mica Out, Who’ll Win?

by Stuart Heritage

The first Strictly Come Dancing ladies night took place on Saturday and it more or less confirmed what everyone who remembers the late 1980s knew only too well; that Mica Paris can’t dance for toffee.

One of the Strictly Come Dancing girls had to go in the first week and unfortunately it was Mica Paris who bit the dust first, although at least she has her day job of telling ugly people that they wear shit clothes to fall back on. Incidentally, did anyone see Bruce Forsyth talk about Strictly Come Dancing on the Paul O’Grady show the other day? Bruce innocuously enough called Spoony “a dark horse,” and then – worried that it might him seem racist – launched into the weirdest backtrack we’ve ever seen, ending with him exasperatedly sighing “You’re not allowed to call them that these days, are you?” We were watching it unfold with one hand over our eyes and the other in our mouth, and it’s now become our favourite Bruce Forsyth TV moment ever, just nudging Bruce’s unveiling of ‘trapping’ – a carcrash mix of tapdance and rapping – into second place.

But enough of that, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing this year? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Georgina Bouzova, Jan Ravens and Claire King, with help from PaddyPower.com…

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