Posts from September, 2006

Schizophrenia affects loads of people in the UK. We could be dead clever and look up some fascinating statistics on Google but we understand that you're not that interested and you understand we're not. So let's just agree that it affects 'loads of people' and leave it at that.

Schizophrenia is a subject that came to mind after watching the last 10 minutes of X Factor on Saturday. In fact, scrap schizophrenia - we've coined our own term: Polymorphic media personality disorder. That pretty much sums up Sharon Osbourne and the fact that, although she's everywhere at the moment, she never actually seems to be the same person in any two places.

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Tomorrow night we're all in for a big treat - it's X Factor bootcamp week. This is the week when Sharon Osbourne has to boot out everyone she put through in auditions just because they told a sad story about their Mum.

Of course, X Factor bootcamp will take us one step closer to finding out who'll ultimately become the winner of X Factor, and all that goes with that title, which - judging by last year - means a bunch of kids that can't really spell simple words leaving largely illiterate comments on British entertainment blogs in the mistaken belief that the X Factor winner somehow works for it. But what about the first single by the X Factor winner? How well will that do?

Here are the X Factor betting odds for 2006 X Factor winner to be 2006 UK Christmas No.1 single…

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Put yourself in Tom Cruise's tiny shoes for a moment. The moviegoing public has vocally fallen out of love with you for your weird relationship with Katie Holmes, so what's the last thing that you should go and do?

You're right - the last thing that Tom Cruise should ever think about doing to rescue his movie career is make a film with Katie Holmes, since a Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes movie would inevitably make Gigli look like Casablanca. So guess what Tom Cruise is reported to be working on? Right again - a movie that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can star in together. Do you want to tell him, or should we?

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Thursday. Not as exciting as a Saturday - or even a Sunday, for that matter. Probably because we’re still at work and dreaming of the clock hitting 5 o’clock on Friday so that we can all go home and have a groovy weekend.

That might mean getting slaughtered in the pub drinking horrible pints of cheap nasty lager or getting ripped-off in supposedly trendy nightclubs where the same shoddy pints of lager are sold to us at treble the price. Either way, it beats working. But Thursday is good for something. You’ll know by now! It’s MySpace Trawl, our handy dandy feature which each week prods you firmly towards the best music that MySpace has to offer. It’s a first for us this week - so far all of our featured artists have actually had some kind of involvement with their MySpace profile, either looking after it themselves or writing their own biography. But this week, our featured band – Explosions In The Sky - have absolutely bugger all to do with theirs. But this doesn’t seem to bother the band that much; they even give a link to this unofficial page on their own website. Crazy or what?

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The celebrity sex tape is, by and large, an interesting way to spend a few minutes - if only to see what the Croatian Eurovision entry looks like naked. But someone always has to spoil the fun, and this time it's Dustin Diamond.

What's the worst thing you can ever imagine watching? Seriously, think long and hard about the most disgusting thing you can possibly think of. What comes to mind? More often than not it'll be an image of Screech from Saved By The Bell smearing shit across a girl's face while having sex with her, right? Now, brace yourself to actually see this before too long, because Dustin Diamond - of Screech from Saved By The Bell fame - is said to have made an internet sex tape of that very thing.

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Anyone familiar with Lost will know that all sorts of mental crap is the norm for the people on the island, but something has recently happened that not even the most ardent Lost fan will be able to believe.

That's right; forget that flashing black smoke or the exploding hatches or the man with the pretend beard or the way that Sergeant Zim from Starship Troopers managed to be the man who taught Sayid how to torture and the man in the hatch with the Scottish bloke - by far the weirdest Lost-related thing to happen lately is that Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who plays Mr Eko in Lost and was recently arrested for disobeying a police officer and driving without a license, has had his charges dropped. A member of the Lost cast who knows how to drive a car properly? Now that is unbelievable.

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It's becoming increasingly clear that Diddy is far more famous for getting girls pregnant with his industrial-strength sperm than he ever was for muttering over old Sting records.

Every single aspect of the pregnancy of Diddy's girlfriend Kim Porter seems to be getting Diddy all kinds of press, and we don't know why. Maybe it's because Diddy is showing a fatherless generation of young black Americans the power of a traditional unit. Or maybe it's because Diddy has got a dreadful single, that we've heard about a hundred times and still can't remember, to promote. Either way, Diddy has revealed that he's got twin girls on the way. 

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Russell Crowe had better watch out; not only is Naomi Campbell allegedly just as good as him at injuring people with telephones, but Naomi Campbell appears to be even more of a hardass at the subsequent court cases too.

Yesterday Naomi Campbell was due to turn up at a New York court for a hearing regarding claims that she angrily hurled a mobile phone at the back of her maid's head and injured. But, you know what, Naomi Campbell didn't show up - and now the judge has said that she faces arrest if she pulls the same trick at her next hearing in November.

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It looks as if all the speculation about Anna Nicole Smith and her dead son Daniel can finally be put to rest, since a toxicology report has blamed Daniel Smith's death on a nasty mix of prescription drugs.

According to the man who Anna Nicole Smith herself hired to get to the bottom of Daniel Smith's death, Daniel had antidepressants Zoloft and Lexapro in his system when he died, along with heroin addiction treatment drug Methadone. Who'd have thought that being the son of one of world's most notorious, almost dead billionaire-marrying, mostly naked exhibitionist models would cause you to be depressed, huh? 

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Hey kids, remember Bugatron - the kick-ass 3D Gallaga clone that blew your mind a few weeks ago? Well, Bugatron is back in the all-conquering disguise of Bugatron Worlds!

Now, we know what you're thinking; you're thinking "Why the hell is Bugatron Worlds so damn good? What makes it so different to the normal Bugatron?" and that's a question that's easily answered: it isn't. Not really, anyway. If you liked Bugatron then Bugatron Worlds is going to blow your mind with its improved 3D graphics and 65 levels and collectible trophies and gameplay that will strip the flesh from your head. If you didn't like Bugatron, then Bugatron Worlds probably isn't going to rock your world. But that won't happen, because everyone liked Bugatron. Right?

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