Posts from August, 2006

Rewards can come in many different forms, like money, medals, admiration or letting Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher make godawful-sounding film about you. And, you're right, only an idiot wouldn't pick the last one given the choice.

Kevin Costner - who hasn't been famous for about a decade, and Ashton Kutcher - who hasn't been famous ever, have teamed up to make The Guardian, a film about how clever and brave Kevin Costner the Coast Guard is. And - in a genius stroke of marketing, er, genius - Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher are promoting The Guardian by going round telling a bunch of Coast Guards how brilliant they are, in the hope that they will become so dazzled by the praise that they will be temporarily hypnotised enough to be coerced into actually paying to see this rubbishy-looking film.

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There's a pretty strong beard culture here at hecklerspray with various staff members sporting everything from George Michael style stubble through to full on Goatees. And that's just the girls.

Actually just kidding, but admiring the Robert Pires/D'Artagnan style mini beard is one thing, recreating it is another. Also what about those times when formal occasions dictate a less hirsute approach?

So ultimately we understand the point of owning a good razor or two. Gillette, as you probably know, has launched a shaving system in the UK with, wait for it, five blades on the front and one on the back. Yep five blades!? They are taking the piss, right? Quite how they managed to fit them onto a razor is one thing, what they do is another matter. As for the one on the back, apparently this is the precision trimmer that enables you to get at hair in those out of the way places.

*****PROMOTIONAL POST IN ASSOCIATION WITH GILLETTE*****

Paris Hilton has previously gone on record as saying that her musical talent is so powerful and enormous that she bursts into tears as soon as she even thinks about it. Sadly the same can't be said for anyone else.

For, despite being on a seemingly constant loop on all the music TV channels, the hype for the Paris Hilton single Stars Are Blind hasn't translated into album sales. This means that it's looking increasingly likely that Paris Hilton's musical career will flop badly, to the surprise of many. In other news today, the sky is blue and bears shit in the woods every now and again.

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The true definition of 'stalker' is unclear, but when a woman followed Colin Farrell around punting copies of the book Colin Farrell: A Dark And Twisted Puppy and her song Colin Farrell Is My Bitch, she probably got pretty close.

Dessarae Bradford is probably most famous for interrupting Colin Farrell on the Jay Leno show to give people copies of her mental-sounding book, make noises about suing him for stalking her and just generally confuse the arse of anyone within a 25 mile radius. And now Colin Farrell has finally been granted a restraining order against Dessarae Bradford, meaning that the next three years of his life will be blissfully free of dark and twisted puppies of any kind.

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If there's one thing better than TV shows stretched out into terrible low-budget movies, it's big-budget movies squeezed into comparatively low-budget TV shows, like what's happening with The Terminator.

Long-mooted Terminator TV spinoff The Sarah Connors Chronicles has finally come to fruition, with the Fox network greenlighting the series and hoping that Terminator: The Sarah Connors Chronicles will recreate The Terminator's explosive action on a smaller scale, starting with the first episode, entitled Sarah Connors Scares Off A Cardboard Terminator With Some Scary Indoor Fireworks.

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Some people have lives that demand to be heard about, don't they? Gandhi, Churchill, Noel Edmonds… all have had difficult, inspiring lives that people can learn from. Pete Out Of Big Brother, on the other hand, probably hasn't.

Not that it's stopped HarperCollins throwing a million quid at Pete Bennett, the winner of Big Brother, so that he can write a book all about himself. Or - more likely - let a ghostwriter write a book about him while Pete practices pulling a crazy face for the cover photo. Apparently the story of Pete winning Big Brother will make for a wonderfully inspiring story that will appeal to the masses like nothing before it, or something. A HarperCollins slave said:

"This is hugely exciting for us. We have been watching him from the beginning and he has inspired us all."

We can't help wondering if getting paid a million quid to vaguely spout on about people's minds being like birds, the colour of heaven and how his Mum played the violin on a pop record once was part of the 'spiral' that Pete's dead friend came all the way down from heaven to tell him about in the final week of Big Brother. Or perhaps HarperCollins is wrong, and by the time Pete Bennett's hastily-written lowbrow sensationalist autobiography does hit the shelves, everyone will have forgotten all about him and will instead be excited about whichever pleb is doing quite well at X Factor.

Still, the Pete Bennett autobiography Wow! Meow! Wankers! will be published in time for Christmas. Probably.

Read more:

Pete Signs £1 Million Book Deal - TV Scoop  

Having your credit card nicked is never fun at the best of times, but imagine how terrible it would be to discover that not only was your credit card stolen but it was also used to buy 1,000 Barbra Streisand concert tickets. Banks would be turning you away for the of your natural life - not because of your lousy credit rating but because of your disastrous taste in music.

Sadly, it looks like this very thing has happened to an unsuspecting individual, as a stolen credit card was recently used to buy 1,000 tickets to the forthcoming Barbra Streisand national tour, meaning that Ticketmaster is frantically voiding Barbra Streisand tickets left right and centre. Who committed this crime? Nobody knows for sure, but the stereotype police are on the lookout for Jack from Will & Grace.

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Jessica Simpson isn't just a bumbling, stupid-mouthed, manjawed, divorced reality TV dingbat, you know. Jessica Simpson is actually a bumbling, stupid-mouthed, manjawed divorced reality TV dingbat who sometimes sings a bit.

Every know and again, God sends a song down from heaven on a golden cloud and into Jessica Simpson's lungs, ready for her to beautifully exhale it back to the world. Only, last time this happened, there was a bit of a mix-up and God accidentally sent down Holiday by Madonna instead. Jessica Simpson covered it all up by renaming the song A Public Affair, and she would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for a badly-timed bout of laryngitis which has decimated Jessica Simpson's publicity push and disappointed the three weirdos that actually like Jessica Simpson for her music.

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The legends of King Arthur were OK if you like horses and beards and magic and all that lot but, for us, there just weren't enough bombs and explosions and flipping puzzles. That's where LanceLogic comes in.

In LanceLogic, you play Sir Lancelot trying to save a beautiful princess from the clutches of some bad tosser or another. And you do this with the traditional Knights Of The Round Table method of moving a bunch of coloured blocks around a dungeon until you're able to connect a key with a lock. OK, so what LanceLogic lacks in authentic medieval thrills it makes up with puzzles that are so exceptionally difficult that your skull will crack in two if you stick at it for too long. But, if it's a vigourous brain workout you're after, you'll do a lot worse than LanceLogic. And if you complete LanceLogic, let us know. We're not actually sure it can be done.

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hecklerspray won an award once you know - and a good one too. It was for outstanding hoola-hooping ability. It cost us nearly two dozen creamsicles in a failed attempt at bribery, but the judges thought it was in their best interest to give it to someone who was actually in the competition. That paraplegic five-year-old didn't deserve it though, so we kifed his first place glitter-sprinkled macaroni necklace while his foster parents slowly rolled him toward the family van.  

That was the only award we ever got, and we love it dearly - we take it with us everywhere we go. We're a lot like Barry Manilow that way - he won an Emmy he just can't put down. He even recently took it into surgery. We assume it's either for luck, or Manilow wants his doctor to rub it all over his innards while he's all split open like that.

His guts helped him win too, you know.

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