Posts from August, 2006

Imagine, for a moment that you are a miner trapped under the weight of your entire gold mine for two weeks. You don't know if you'll survive, let alone see your family again, so what would your primary thought be?

Well, if your name is Brant Webb, and you really were trapped in a collapsed Tasmanian gold mine a kilometre underground for a fortnight, then your first thought would be "Gee, I wish we had an mp3 player with some Foo Fighters songs on it." After hearing this, Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters was so touched that he responded in the only way he could - by promising to go to Australia and get Brant Webb and fellow trapped miner Todd Russell wankered on loads of booze.

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Just because we're English doesn't mean we're ignorant about American football. Years of playing John Madden games have taught us that it's all about picking a random squiggle and then getting pushed over by a big bloke.

OK, so we nothing about American football, except for one thing. Pink - the shouty singer responsible for Official Worst Song Ever Get The Party Started - has just been signed to sing the theme tune to NBC Sunday Night Football. However, any pressure that Pink may be feeling about spearheading a widely-watched sports programme like Sunday Night Football must be eased by the knowledge that whatever she does won't even come close to being as terrible as the cover of Heroes that Kasabian did for the ITV World Cup coverage this year.

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Well, we knew that Tom Cruise would be tightening his belt after being shown the door by Paramount, but this is something else - he's now selling one of his daughter Suri Cruise's bronzed turds.

OK, that's not strictly true - Tom Cruise isn't actually selling the bronze Suri Cruise turd, and there's quite a strong chance that the bronze poo didn't actually belong to Suri Cruise in the first place. But that doesn't really matter - a bronze crap that purportedly dropped out of Suri Cruise's bum has gone on display in Brooklyn before it goes on sale on eBay. That's right - you could own one of Suri Cruise's bronze turds!

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Never let it be said that Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't know her audience. Even though she's pushing 30, she's got the whole 'teenage supernatural geek idol' thing nailed, and by Christ she won't let go of it.

Because, in a dramatic career change, Sarah Michelle Gellar has signed up to star in Addicted, a forthcoming horror movie based on a South Korean horror movie. And you thought Sarah Michelle Gellar only made horror movies based on Japanese horror movies, didn't you? You poor fools.

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Keeping a long-running TV show like Survivor fresh after 13 seasons is a tricky job, but Survivor producers seem to have it cracked - the new season of Survivor is all about the racial segregation.

Survivor's decision to use the new season to pit teams of black, Asian, Hispanic and Caucasian islanders against each other has caused all kinds of controversy; not necessarily a bad thing since controversy equals viewers and viewers equals cash - just so long as Survivor's sponsors don't freak out at the idea and drop the show like a hot turd. And, would you believe it, that's exactly what's just happened - General Motors has decided it wants nothing more to do with Survivor. Whoops.

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Using a toilet break to slag someone off is something we've all done. Doing it during a speech by the President of the USA on the anniversary of an immense natural disaster is something less of us have done. And doing it on live TV… well, only Kyra Phillips has done that.

By now, there's a huge chance that you've seen a clip of George Bush's live speech to mark the first anniversary of the New Orleans flood being interrupted by CNN's Kyra Phillips, hiding away in the bathroom with her microphone still on, calling her sister-in-law a "control freak" and a group of other people "assholes". Now CNN has decided to apologise to its viewers and George Bush for the mistake, although the apology was not extended to Kyra Phillip's sister-in-law, who CNN agrees is kind of a bitch.

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Let's start with the facts here - rodents are not mighty. Rodents are little bastards that chew through the zip of the suitcase you bought and then shit in your t-shirt drawer. Um, we heard.

But forget all that, because Mighty Rodent is probably the nearest we're going to get to loving those dirty-footed, plague-carrying tosswipes. And that's mainly because Mighty Rodents isn't really about rodents at all, because although you play a character called - shudder - Sgt Fluffles, Mighty Rodent is about blowing stuff up. That's all you do in Mighty Rodent, blow up wave after wave of baddies in glorious fashion. Maybe if all rats had missile launchers and beam lasers we wouldn't hate them so much.

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There is an ancient British rule, imposed under Oliver Cromwell in 1641, that orders all citizens to watch a video of a toddler screaming "MOTHERFUCKER! I WANT YOUR BLOOD!" each and every Thursday lunchtime.

And this is where hecklerspray turns law enforcer, since we have that very thing for you right here, in the form of the History's Stranglers video by The Bronx. As you're soon to become hopelessly aware, The Bronx revel in the art of the filthy, grimy, dirty glam stomp. History's Stranglers is the first taster from The Bronx's self-titled new album - we've heard it, and it's immense - and it sets the scene with violent effect. And then there's the History's Stranglers video… we don't even know where to start with that, but we'll have a go when we get back from the vasectomy clinic. We booked an appointment about three and a half seconds into the History's Stranglers video, you see.

Watch The Bronx History's Stranglers Video Now

When you talk, do people listen? Have you ever conducted a simultaneous wedding for over 500 couples gathered together in some sort of sporting arena? Would you feel completely comfortable in a room with Martin Luther, Henry VIII, Mohammed and Joseph Smith?

If you answered yes all the way down - you're too late. Sorry about that. If you'd been a little quicker you could have got $5000 to start your own religion, and been temporarily famous documentary style. Yeah, you really missed out. One guy didn't though. One guy gets to start his own religion, and may soon have a community of poor people asking him for food on Sundays.

Now if you're anything like us, you'll want in on ground level - it's supposed to have more tax breaks, doncha know.

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By this time next week, we'll all know who the winner of the 2006 Mercury Music Prize is, and there'll have been enough time for a staggeringly bitter backlash against the winners, too.

But as for now, nobody has the first clue who's going to win the Mercury Music Prize and get the official title of The Best Album Of The Last 12 Months. Just like that rubbish album from last year that nobody bought did. Yes, the Mercury Music Prize is that important.

Here are the Mercury Music Prize betting odds for The Warning by Hot Chip…

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