Article Archive for December 2005
Ludwig Van Beethoven once said "Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman." It's thought that he said this after a few failed experiments with music where he made fire come out of a man's eyes.
It's the last hecklerspray gig guide of the year! Hurrah! All the best music of the next seven days squeezed and packed into a special little bundle, like the bundle that Baby Jesus was wrapped up in before he floated down the Nile. No wait, that was Moses, wasn't it?
It's a diddy gig guide this week, and it only features Chico, Coldplay, Nizlopi, Oasis, Mark Owen, The Pogues and Joss Stone. Why so small? It's Christmas at the weekend. Didn't you even know that?
Click here for all the latest Celebrity Big Brother news, gossip and betting odds!
On Saturday night, the impossible happened. Something that simultaneously blew our minds and changed the face of British popular culture forever - Darren Gough won Strictly Come Dancing. Seriously, what's that about?
But that wasn't the big news - the realistic best that Darren Gough can expect from winning Strictly Come Dancing will be to get a job as Third Man From The Left in a touring version of Guys And Dolls - everyone is more concerned with Shayne Ward, the winner of X Factor.
Shayne Ward winning X Factor would have been a valid case for a news story, if only every single person who had ever watched X Factor didn't know that Shayne would win from the very start of the series.
Usually at this point we'd give you some X Factor betting odds but now that X Factor is over, we've nothing to give you. But - to save you screaming and crying and shaking like those babies born addicted to heroin - we're letting you down easy with some entirely made up X Factor betting odds...
It's the start of the last week before the most important day of the year - the day that the UK 2005 Christmas Number One is revealed. And, um, Christmas day and stuff.
Over the last few weeks, we took a long hard look at the 43 possible contenders for this year's Christmas Number One slot. But not all of them were real contenders - some of the acts weren't releasing Christmas Number one efforts, some had released their singles too early to feasibly get the Christmas Number One, and others were so totally crap that nobody in their right mind would even buy their single, let alone make them Christmas Number One.
That's why this week - as Christmas day (and the all-important announcement of the Christmas Number One) quickly approaches - we'll be looking squarely at the betting odds of the front-runners only. So here are today's Christmas Number One Betting Odds, with help from SportingOdds.com...
Creased is bad. You know, like when jeans come out of the dryer with those horrible lines down the leg. Folded is much more preferable. Try doing that before you tumble dry – it really does work.
Folded:
Space Cadets (the new Big Brother? No, wait, there’s no screechy annoying camp one) 22 Mega pixel digital camera (pity it will cost more than your life is worth) Young people (keeping the music industry nice and illegal. Way to go kids!) Radio controlled cars (they make great presents for guys, if anybody out there is still stuck for ideas?) Wrapping paper tube fighting (the better quality the paper, the thicker the cardboard roll. Hurts more)Creased:
Alcohol doesn’t save lives (that’s what they’re saying this week anyway) Christmas shopping (is starting now defined as last minute?) Fearne Cotton (gorgeous! Guvnor! Geezer! Pain in the neck!) Nintendo (peaked with the original Mario Kart and has been struggling ever since) Nizlopi’s JCB Song (hate affected accents. And women only like the song because it makes them feel broody. Think about it)"Tell her you work for the CIA. She’ll be impressed."
From The Sum of All Fears (DVDs). An excellent movie, especially for poor old Ben Affleck. Listen to the Special Edition Tom Clancy commentary to hear just how much he loves what director Phil Alden Robinson has done with his novel ("That’s total bullshit!").
This week’s quote is from another excellent movie – and that’s your only clue.
"They might as well call it whitejack!"
You're clever people, so you'll have realised that hecklerspray has been experiencing some technical difficulties today. That's why most of you will have been looking at week old news all day, possibly thinking that Matt Damon has had another baby.
We're not sure what the problem was - and most of our efforts at fixing it failed. We left a string of desperate drunken
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Oh, come now, it’s not that funny. The 21 Turbo was an animal way back when.
But it’s a Renault:
True, but it’s a fast Renault. The type of Renault that Renault owners don’t actually like very much. It growls… rumbling… waiting to unleash the beast.
Enough pseudo-porn, we want to make you love the 2 1, not go searching for free MILF galleries. One thing you need to know from the outset is that Renault cannot do brand awareness to save their life. The 21 is known by a stack of different monikers all over the world, i.e. the hairy chested Renault Medallion and the bizarrely call sign alike Eagle Medallion in North America.
It's been a quiet few months for Victoria Beckham. Ever since The Spice Girls couldn't really get round to reforming for Live 8, it's all been a bit quiet on the Beckham front.
Not any more. As well as the terrifying rumours that she might be a judge on next year's X Factor, it's also transpired that Victoria Beckham has been shouting at middle-aged women at the gym again. And it's all because actress Ana Obregon might have been following Victoria's husband David Beckham around a bit.
Waterworld 'star' Kevin Costner has been in a spot of bother with his barnet-fixer.
Pascal Bensimon - an 'upmarket hairstylist' (which means that he charges roughly three-hundred times the cash for the same haircut you could get by popping into 'Dave's World Of Clippers') - has been charged with nicking Costner's laptop.
Costner was apparently very upset about the whole thing - the laptop contained private photos of his wedding, various personal documents and an alternative Bodyguard screenplay which ends with him firing a round of bullets into Whitney Houston's stupid mewling face.
Note - one of the above is a lie. And if you need any help working that out, might we suggest that you lay off the wacky cigarettes for the afternoon?
