Table football, or 'Foosball', always seems like a much better idea than it actually is.

In theory, it's a battle of wits and lightning reactions, and a handily small indoor version of the country's most beloved sport.

In reality, it's a frustratingly limited representation of a sport that England are rubbish at, and Foosball tables are only usually owned by idiots like the fat git

Preferably into outer space. No, no, let’s be objective here. ITV - pioneers of the Saturday night game show - are to launch their own children's television channel. Oh, joy.

Rumouredly entitled ITV Kiddlewinks (by us), this new channel will be available on digital, free to air, cable and any other telly format most people aren’t familiar with.

We’ve not much idea what the new channel will show, apart from probably not hardcore porn and Deadly Gunshots Wounds With Sheriff John Burnell. Most of the content could be comprised of foreign cartoon and drama imports.

***LATEST MTV MVA ODDS! CLICK HERE***

It's day four of our MTV Music Video Awards odds countdown, and today we're looking at the Best Rap Video nominees.

The awards will take place in Miami on August 28th, and all the world's most vacuous, self-absorbed performers are likely to show up and pout, party or act in a slightly badly-behaved way.

By law, all rap videos must feature at least one of the following: cars, bitches or hoes. We're joking of course - those are all outmoded images that were exhausted by the middle of the last decade and only the most tired, idea-stricken artists would dare include such redundant icons in their music videos.

Oh, who are we kidding? Here are the latest odds for the Best Rap Video category, brought to you by hecklerspray and Betfair.com...

It's the eternal question - what would you do if money was no object? Buy a house in every country in the world? Swank around in a fancy, custom-made car? Watch a bunch of crotchety old men judder around a stage playing 40 year-old songs whilst sitting next to Mr Freeze?

That last one could be a reality to some lucky - or possibly just a bit rich and dim - people this Sunday. People with a spare $100,000 have the opportunity to watch the opening concert by The Rolling Stones in the same luxury box as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

There are bands we hate. Then there are bands we like. Then there are bands we love. Mother And The Addicts are firmly in the last category.

Led by - obviously - Mother, their songs attack the listener in a speed-of-light whirl of glitter, garage punk, deranged soul, herky-jerky white funk and Bryan Ferry impersonations. But better.

We caught up with Mother through the magic of the Internet to discuss incest, viking invasions, Byzantinium and tongue fur...

God, Sting is boring.

hecklerspray remains completely baffled as to why Sting (CDs) is still afforded recording time. Inbetween his Bono-lite antics of trying to save the world - hovering above dying rainforests with a concerned look on his face, probably in an environmentally-friendly helicopter powered entirely by leaves - he still finds the time to release material so shockingly bland and middle-aged you can't help but feel like you've wandered onto the set of Cold Feet.

Still. Despite all this 'success', Sting proudly believes himself to be a man of the people. "I want to live as normally as possible," he insists.

But evidently in Stingworld 'normal' means a completely different thing. Evidently 'normal' expands to cover the hum-drum, matter-of-fact sheer ordinariness of having seven bloody houses.

Hollywood Golden-boy turned Gigli star Ben Affleck has announced details of his latest project - a television pilot called Resistance, which focuses on "a band of modern patriots trying to revive the Bill Of Rights."

The Bill Of Rights, you say? Why would that possibly need reviving? What happened to it - did George W lose it down the back of the sofa with his colouring pads and Tom Clancy audiobooks?

Oh, no - not in Affleck's fevered imagination. Resistance - which Ben is all set to write and produce - is set in a nightmare future in which "a pair of devastating terror attacks leaves the United States divided into two separate nations."

Steve Day is Britain's only deaf comedian, and on 11th September, fresh from a stint at the Edinburgh Festival, he'll be performing at a Hearing Concern-organised event in London entitled Festival Of Hearing Solutions. And now he's got his own game to go along with it.

Some sort of benevolent pilot keeps dropping all kinds of stuff out of the sky for Steve to