This week a massive spider ran out from underneath the hecklerspray sofa and we can’t find it anywhere. That’s Creased (Bad).

We now keep our shoes on at all times, which protects both the environment and our toesies. That’s Folded (good).

Folded:

This is a car the Queen once owned. It’s been parked on her driveway and now it can be parked on yours, for less than the price of a new Ford Fiesta.

The Lowdown

In 1965 Goldfinger arrived at cinemas. Sean Connery drove (what many still believe to be) the finest Aston Martin ever created, a DB5, around Switzerland. He could have done the same in a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. It came out the same year, was just as useless for undercover work, and had plenty of room for a surface to air missile under the bonnet.

It was never going to happen, there was more chance of James Bond jumping into bed with Dr No than him getting behind the wheel of a Rolls Royce.

The space-faring life can't be an easy one. Bobbing around in zero-gravity, dodging meteorites and having to ask the others to look away when you need a piss.

It must be a stressful old experience orbiting the Earth.

Which is why NASA's latest manoeuvre seems like an especially sadistic move. Oh, yes - they've only gone and subjected the Discovery Space Shuttle to an early morning blast of U2.

According to his website, it was a day that ranked alongside the birth of Martin Luther King, the fall of the Berlin Wall and Nelson Mandela's release. According to us, it was a day when a weird woman kept taking birds out of a box outside a courtroom.

We're talking, of course, about the day in June that Michael Jackson was found innocent of child molestation. But now some of his jurors are planning books claiming that they think Michael Jackson was guilty.

Just over a month to go until the winner of the 2005 Mercury Music Prize is revealed. Hip cats the length and breadth of the country are already placing bets willy-nilly, hoping they've backed the winner.

According to the odds, The Kaiser Chiefs are still firm favourites. But what do the odds prove? The Mercury Music panel are a deeply contrary bunch of gits - just as you'd expect from music industry 'experts' - so they might be turned off by seeing one album as a favourite for so long. Then again, they might not.

But we are your friends. We're letting you make your own mind up. You can listen to the bands, check the odds and see who you'd pick, and bet on them to win. The prize is wide open, so each artist is a worthwhile bet.

So here are the Mercury Music Prize odds this week from hecklerspray and Betfair.com...

Summer's here, and that only means one thing: wasp stings, sunburn and a series of empty, disappointingly soul-crushing relationships with people who were only put on the face of the earth to break your fragile heart. And, um, waterslides.

You know Starburst, the sweets that used to be called Opal Fruits but aren't any more? Well, they've made a summertime waterslide online game. Some

It must be strange being Elton John. On the one hand he's rock royalty, playing to hundreds of thousands people a year. He writes best-selling musicals. He's the kind old Godfather who looks after his troubled counterparts. He sang at the funeral of a dead princess.

But on the other hand he's a short, old, nearsighted, fat, bewigged fool from Middlesex who's constantly trying to make up for a past of wearing ridiculous glasses and dressing up like Donald Duck by being rude to as many people as he sees fit.

Now Elton John is having a pop at Live 8, which he's described as an "anti-climax".

***LATEST BIG BROTHER ODDS! CLICK HERE***

Tonight either Derek or Eugene will leave the Big Brother house. Their eviction will effectively end one of the most freakishly disturbing weeks ever seen on British television.

Since Monday, we've seen all kinds of Big Brother weirdness happen. Craig is turning more into the Kathy Bates character from Misery with each passing second. At least he's regular - one screaming tantrum freakout a night without fail.

Then there's Kinga, who will let nothing stop her quest to stuff an entire off-license up her front bottom. And Makosi, who disapproves of Kinga's behaviour despite the fact she'd already boffed Anthony in the swimming pool in front of everyone. And there's Anthony, who remains a hopelessly dim dancer.

The scary thing is - one of these clots will probably win the £100,000 prize. And either Derek or Eugene won't. So who will be evicted tonight? Here's the hecklerspray and Betfair.com rundown on Derek and Eugene...