... or damn near anyway.

hecklerspray has found itself in a somewhat unusual emotional position of late. We believe you earth-dwellers refer to it as 'looking forward to something.'

See, when the news first broke that a Bob Dylan (DVDs/CDs/books) life-movie was in the pipeline, we understandly had a brief spell of blood curdling. God only knows ... the amazing story

The Michael Jackson (CDs) court case continues, constantly giving away new secrets about the king of pop.

First, there were the seized books of nude boys, although that genuinely looks more like art than outright kiddie porn.

Now it's been revealed that Jackson is in a deep financial crisis. But who hasn't had a spot of money trouble, right? We've all had to dip into debt now and again, to pay the rent or afford something to eat.

But this is Michael Jackson we're talking about, so naturally it's been claimed that he spends between $20 million and $30 million more than he's earned. A year!

What do TV executives know? A big piddling nothing, that's what.

Back in the heady days of 2002, some bigwigs at Fox noticed that a little cartoon called Family Guy (DVDs/CD/Books) - as good as early-90's peak Simpsons (DVDs/CDs/Books) any day of the week - simply wasn't getting the viewers, and rather unceremoniously pulled the plug.

How the mighty have risen ...

Ewan McGregor (DVD) is learning his mouth can soon become as talked about as his penis. Though, as with the latter, it depends on what’s coming out of it.

Recent reports have hinted at Ben Kenobi’s apparent dislike of George Lucas’ new Star Wars (DVD) trilogy, saying they’re not a patch on the original movies. 

Surprisingly, the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest is less than three weeks away. Only 18 days to go until all the peaceful negotiations that Europe's leaders have involved themselves in over the last year are ripped apart in a frenzy of dancing, singing and, well, weirdness.

hecklerspray have again teamed up with Betfair.com to look at the countries taking part, their songs and their odds of winning. We'll start where we should - at the top of the alphabet.

So today, let's look at Albania, Andorra and Austria...

The spectrum of Rock and Roll bad behaviour is a wide one. At one end, you have Motley Crue (books/CDs) and Led Zeppelin (books/CDs) apparently putting fish up girls' bums. In the middle somewhere are The Sex Pistols (CDs) saying "rotter" on television.

And at the far end, past Cliff Richard (CDs) and Daniel Bedingfield (CDs) are Linkin Park (CDs).

Not content with making music that sounds more manafactured and processed than an oil tanker of turkey twizzlers, or selling pretend angst to children, Linkin Park are making the least Rock and Roll protest ever: they won't get enough money when Warner Music gets floated on the stock market. And boy, are they angry!

His former wife Cheryl dies of cancer only a month ago, and just a week after gay weddings are made legal in New Zealand, Michael Barrymore starts scribbling out wedding invitations.

He really doesn’t care what people think, we’ll give him that.

Countless false starts and the unnerving feeling she’d never leave have taught us to be cautious. This time however Cher (CD) really is going, retiring forever to a life of needlework and coupon cutting. Trust us, even Cher doesn’t change her outfit twelve times in one gig unless something important is occurring.

If you never knew seeing a G-string could make you physically sick, try catching sight of Cher in one. Something must be wrong because she’s had so much plastic surgery that her arse cheeks are actually perfect, and yet still we retch. Must be something to do with a woman older than Dracula wearing something so small. It’s icky.