Article Archive for May 2005
She’s probably the best dressed woman on TV, unless you consider Cat Deeley (DVDs) to be the font of all style and originally, but Channel 4 prperty woman Kirstie Allsop seems more keen to show us what’s underneath those expensive looking skirts and bright blue tights.
Oh, yes, bright blue. "A newspaper recently had paparazzi photographs of me coming out of a health food shop with a winter coat on. They were saying 'Ooh, has Kirstie put on weight?'"
Sean Combs aka P Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Sean John, aka Smiling Millionaire was unbelievably struck by lightning on Wednesday. Although this thunderbolt didn’t hit the entrepreneur right in the middle of his face, it still shook him up. It was a close call, and his jet got totally jiggy with it.
P. Diddy’s (CDs) aeroplane was struck whilst he was airborne on his way over to Miami. The Bad Boy leader was flying in for a DNR CEO Summit at The Four Seasons, but had to make an emergency landing in Palm Beach. The lord works in mysterious ways, it seems.
In two week's time, we'll know who won the 2005 Eurovision Song Contest. But right now we don't, and that's why hecklerspray and Betfair.com are teaming up to give you a rundown on the contenders.
In this country the event is commentated by Terry Wogan, but it's a little known fact that in Latvia they employ a bear and an angry goose to fight each other with machine guns between songs, and people in Malta decide who to vote for by firing babies out of cannons when everyone has finished singing. No they don't.
We're looking at Finland and France today.
The British Soap Awards were held last night. They're not going to be shown on television until Wednesday, but why watch hour after hour after hour of mindless backslapping and pretend bonhomie, when you have a tiny, bulletproof blast of information from your friends at hecklerspray.
A while ago, we listed the main contenders for the six big categories: Best Actor, Best Actress, Sexiest Male, Sexiest Female, Best Villain and Best British Soap. And now we're pleased to reveal the winners. Well, not pleased. We're, what's the word? Oh yes, smug.
Fans of Family Affairs, hold on to your hats...
Chinless jug-eared rich boy Otis Ferry - 22 year-old son of Roxy Music (CDs) frontman Bryan Ferry (CDs) - has been arrested after lunging at the newly re-elected Tony Blair and shouting 'I've had enough of this government.'
What, you may ask, was young Otis so riled about? Was it the fact that a Prime Minister who should have been impeached (you know, for that little matter of possibly pissing all over international law like it was an overflowing pub urinal) had just schmoozed his way through the most predictable election in living memory?
Oh, no. It was much more important than that. Poor little Otis threw his hissy fit because - oh, the horror - the government had dared to place a ban upon his favourite hobby ... namely that of fox-hunting.
Celebrity Wresting has established itself in the Saturday night ITV lineup. Established itself as the most breathtakingly inane spectacle TV has ever seen, that is.
If you haven't seen it, you really should. Just load up on the Nurofen before you switch it on.
Celebrity Wrestling is loud. And not exciting loud, either. It's
loud like living next door to neighbours that wear horseshoes and have a giant gong instead of a floor, and use plastic explosive devices to turn over their shrieking surround sound TV, and they have a snot-caked baby with a mouth the size of a McDonalds freezer that regularly knocks satellites out of orbit with it's relentless wailing. Only louder.
Want an extra-special hecklerspray tip? Never, ever, under any circumstances attempt to watch anything with Vernon Kay in it whilst under the influence of mind-altering drugs. Looking into those vacant, ain't-no-one-home glazed eyes of his is like staring into some mad infinite void. One flash of his gormless grin and the utter futility of the human condition is stretched out before you.
Or something.
All of which is precusor to the following terrifying fact: that Kay - a man so bland you could punch him and your fist would pass right through - is all set to take on America ....
Rock music and real life are two completely separate things. Take Oasis (CDs), for example. Their chugging, lifeless music always comes second to them being rude about people. In Rockworld, that's pretty cool. In real life, they'd be the most obnoxious, Ben Sherman-ed shouting idiots in all of Wetherspoons.
Sometimes, people from Rockworld stray into real life, and the results are always stunningly lumpen-headed. If it's not Chris Martin (CDs) writing slogans on his hand, it's the Beastie Boys (CDs) complaining about Kentucky Fried Chicken. All worthwhile, of course, but they should perhaps leave the politics to the people who know about it.
The worst rockworld/real life crime by a million light years is the worthy song. And this is why The Killers (CDs) should not release their song about Jodi Jones. Ever.
