Loonish rapping cowboy Kid Rock has been arrested on assault charges after an altercation with a strip club DJ. He allegedly punched resident spinner Jerry Campos twice inside the disc jockey booth at 2:50 am on Friday morning.

Seeking a novel way of looking like an idiot? Tired of being respected and taken seriously? Sick to the back teeth of 'dignity' dragging down your 'self-respect'? Well, lucky, lucky, lucky you. The NME is here to save your soul...

Well. it looks nice. Infact, it looks great - all shimmering sepia tones and grainy Nineteen-Forties loveliness. But that's hardly the point. A steaming plate of rat poison pies may look nice with a little garnish sprinkled here and there. It still wouldn't be very advisable to eat them.

Little things, it transpires, make a difference. Plot, character, cohesive narrative structure ... ever notice how films generally held up as being 'good' seem to take these novel concepts on board? Funny, that.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that he doesn't exist. So said someone who has never seen a piece of musical theatre.

Everyone else who has been dragged to see a show - probably by their partner - knows full well the devil doesn't just exist, but is making a healthy income selling Cats T-shirts in the foyer...

Well, if nothing else you can’t say that the NME Brats aren’t predictable… hecklerspray remembers the time when the weekly music inkies set the standard, pushed the envelope, maxed to the extreme, etc etc...

Now, here in the revolutionary year of the cock (2005) we are right back where we started. So let’s take a look at this cutting edge selection of award winners from the Brats (sponsored by those bastards who make that sticky cack that glues your hair together). Be prepared, reader...

Not content at being oh-so-hilarious with his Hollywood drinking buddies in Oceans 12, Brad Pitt is set to remain king of the Irony Castle with new film Chad Schmidt...

March 17 2005 will go down in history as a sad day for idiots everywhere. Because George Michael is due to quit music. Spectacularly, in fact. Completely without warning. Just like he said he'd do three years ago.

The Talkback production for the BBC called “The Apprentice” is now on our television screens, serving up the UK version of the American hit Donald Trump show. Once again a national re-creation of a popular US program has been attempted. It is no Dragon's Den, and here's why...