Danny Dyer is our favourite actor, mostly because he seems genuinely confused between ‘pretending to be hard in a film’ and ‘real life’.
He probably imagines that when he's out shopping, he can't resist a cheeky Cockney smile before battering the butcher with his own cleaver, and coming out with an incomprehensible witticism.
Implausibly, Danny has turned his gangster hand away from guns, but towards his keyboard, to put together a weekly column for Zoo magazine, covering such important issues as ‘how many sausages should you have on a fry up?’ (at least four) and ‘If I was Prime Minister…’ (‘legalise cannabis’ and ‘castrate anyone caught noncing’.)
The bit that's got everyone all in a twizzle though is his rubbish agony uncle column, ‘Ask Danny’…
We assumed all the letters to ‘Ask Danny’ were fictional until some plank actually admitted it was him writing in. And what did Alex from Manchester write in? He can't get over his ex, even though they broke up months ago. Obviously the right answer is a drug-fuelled hooker binge, but Danny doesn't see things like that. His response is a bit more… blunt:
Of course, the other option is to cut your ex?s face, and then no one will want her…
Well, why not? Might as well set fire to her fanny as well, so she can't do anything if someone does want her. Oh wait, what's this from Danny?s column earlier in the month?
Maybe set light to the muff hair. That stuff goes up quick, like a thatched roof.
Hmm. Danny seems to forget that Zoo?s readership is almost entirely made up of easily impressed 13-year-olds that are amazed by tits, cars and football. Or footy or kickyball or whatever they call it now, and not a cynical bunch of internet-hardened types that can understand that jokes go wrong.
Twitter went into a self-righteous hum of bothering Zoo?s editor and being outraged over the sheer stupidity of the column. Zoo quickly issued an apology:
Due to an extremely regrettable production error, an inappropriate and indefensible response to a letter has appeared in this week’s issue. ZOO editor, Tom Etherington, apologises unreservedly for any offence the response may have caused and has launched an internal enquiry to ensure lessons are learnt.
It's a good job the production error didn't lead to any of the magazine?s other features: ‘The Week in Boobs’ or ‘Camera Flash’ or ‘Red Hot Redheads’ or ‘Babe Election 2010’ or ‘Real Girl of the Year’ or ‘In Bed With…’ or ‘Your Sex Questions’ or ‘Crack the Rack’ (guess the size and if they're real) or ‘Breast Friends’.
As for Danny himself:
I have been completely misquoted.
Propah nawty, geezah.
This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. Whoopee!
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