Daniel Craig To Make Carry On Bond

After the bloodthirsty seriousness of Casino Royale, the producers of James Bond’s next instalment (tentatively titled Risico), want to dumb things down a bit with some puerile gags and bears riding unicycles. Can’t wait.

There were three funny scenes in Casino Royale: 1) James Bond in children's swimming trunks, 2) James Bond getting his balls slapped by a paperweight and 3) James Bond recovering in a convalescent home wearing trackie bottoms and a baggy sweater. Not since the terry-towelling adventures of Sean Connery in Goldfinger has Mr Bond been made to look so ridiculous.

What next for Bond 22? Bond in even tinier swimming trunks? Bond in tie-dye? Bond in a nappy?

Perhaps all three if Daniel ‘crap, I'm the new Roger Moore’ Craig is unlucky enough.

Daniel Craig told the Daily Express:

"They [the producers] just want more gags."

Actually, it’s difficult to tell just how happy Daniel Craig is about having James Bond find his funny bone, buried deep at the back of his closet underneath an oversized sombrero and some tin-foil laser guns. That’s right, Moonraker wasn’t just a bad dream, it actually happened.

Craig continues:

"The next one's going to be a lot funnier - Octopussy and Pussy Galore-style gags. They're all great names - but that's the thing, the Bond jokes will be flipped on their heads."

Roll, roll up, it’s Bond in drag driving a Smart car and shagging a Japanese house-husband named Taksa Fist. If that doesn’t frighten you there’s always Daniel Craig’s own unashamed homoeroticism to keep you up at night.

"Bond is supposedly the most male moment [in film] but to me he's never been macho. That Bond is something that Sean Connery created in Dr No. I don't know Sean but I wouldn't want to meet him in a dark alley - he was a big strong guy and he had a big male presence about him."

‘A big strong guy with a big male presence’ – yep, we’re gonna be seeing more of those tiny swimming trunks all right. Throw in a quiche and some nipple clamps for our new Bond and Pussy Galore won't be so much a promise as wishful thinking.

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