Well, we would … that is, if our predominant threat to national security didn't come from that peculiarly British phenomenon: the useless terrorist. Mr. Bond could charge in with all sorts of clever Q-built gadgets, but – judging from recent events – the best way to combat evildoers seems to be to hang around and wait until they arse things up.
Besides – killing an evil criminal mastermind wouldn't be that difficult. All you'd have to do is sneak into a Glasgow hospital, find the bloke in intensive care who looks like he's been lying on a barbeque, and smother his face with a pillow. Rumours that that may form the plot of a future Bond film are yet to be confirmed.
Still, though: even if James Bond: Allah's Shit Drivers does go into production, chances are that present tux-wearer Daniel Craig may not be involved.
Daniel Craig surprised many of us last year when he starred as 007 in Casino Royale, a film that broke an important rule of the James Bond series so far by not being absolute rubbish. And while Craig is all set to star in the next instalment – working title Risico, which kind of sounds like Bond is going to be taking on a megalomaniac Latin lounge singer – he's apparently none too keen on taking part in future escapades.
"I don't just want to make spy films. I've never made movies for money."
Fair enough, really. At least we'll still have Jack Bauer to protect us. And John McClane. Oh – and the Milk Tray man, providing he could get back to his day-job of being a superspy and stop wasting government resources on delivering chocolate to mountain-dwelling bints.
A strawberry whirl? Yeah – that'll show Al Qaeda, you tit.