In these troubled times, we need James Bond 007 to look after us.

Well, we would … that is, if our predominant threat to national security didn't come from that peculiarly British phenomenon: the useless terrorist. Mr. Bond could charge in with all sorts of clever Q-built gadgets, but – judging from recent events – the best way to combat evildoers seems to be to hang around and wait until they arse things up.

Besides – killing an evil criminal mastermind wouldn't be that difficult. All you'd have to do is sneak into a Glasgow hospital, find the bloke in intensive care who looks like he's been lying on a barbeque, and smother his face with a pillow. Rumours that that may form the plot of a future Bond film are yet to be confirmed.

Still, though: even if James Bond: Allah's Shit Drivers does go into production, chances are that present tux-wearer Daniel Craig may not be involved.

Daniel Craig surprised many of us last year when he starred as 007 in Casino Royale, a film that broke an important rule of the James Bond series so far by not being absolute rubbish. And while Craig is all set to star in the next instalment – working title Risico, which kind of sounds like Bond is going to be taking on a megalomaniac Latin lounge singer – he's apparently none too keen on taking part in future escapades.

Craig explained:

"I don't just want to make spy films. I've never made movies for money."

Fair enough, really. At least we'll still have Jack Bauer to protect us. And John McClane.  Oh – and the Milk Tray man, providing he could get back to his day-job of being a superspy and stop wasting government resources on delivering chocolate to mountain-dwelling bints.

A strawberry whirl? Yeah - that'll show Al Qaeda, you tit.

Read More:

Daniel Craig To Quit As James Bond Already? – Entertainmentwise