Getting Kelly Osbourne on Dancing With The Stars this year was nothing short of a masterstroke. We mean that.
Someone wins whatever happens. If Kelly Osbourne goes on to win Dancing With The Stars, it’ll be an epic display of triumph over adversity. And if Kelly Osbourne does terribly at Dancing With The Stars, clattering around the dancefloor week after week like some kind of epileptic Weeble until the judges do the decent thing and shoot her like a knackered racehorse, then it’ll be exactly what everyone expected.
Last night Kelly Osbourne did the latter. Which works out best for us, really.
When we announced this year’s Dancing With The Stars line-up back in August, we never really expected it happen. It was just too odd, even for Dancing With The Stars – a show that has previously given over periods primetime television to showcase the balletic abilities of Steve Guttenberg and the one from Jackass who’s recently spent the most amount of time inside a mental hospital.
This year, though, was different. This year Dancing With The Stars picked a roster of contestants so mind-boggling that watching it promised to be the television equivalent of gulping down three pints of toilet bleach and then puking into a kaleidoscope while 15 different off-key music boxes play the Grange Hill theme-tune backwards to a squadron of cackling three-year-old identical twins. Aaron Carter‘s there. Macy Gray is there. Former United States House of Representatives majority leader Tom DeLay is there. And so is Kelly Osbourne.
Here’s the most unsettling thing, though – on last week’s Dancing With The Stars, Kelly Osbourne was actually quite good. Whether that’s because she actually demonstrated a decent level of competency in her routine, or whether it was because everyone had such a staggeringly low opinion of her that just the sight of her deliberately moving around without crying or punching anyone was a pleasant surprise is anyone’s guess. But the point was this – Kelly Osbourne looked like she could win Dancing With The Stars.
And then she came out last night and effed everything up. E! Online reports:
Sadly, the belle of last week’s ball landed with a bit of a thud tonight, repeatedly flubbing the steps of her tango, giggling nervously each time, and not bothering to mask her disappointment when the dance ended and, instead of holding the final pose for emphasis, she popped right out of it and apologized to her partner.
That sound you hear? That’s the universe righting itself. For a minute there we were worried – if Kelly Osbourne succeeded at Dancing With The Stars, then anything could happen. Ozzy Osbourne might suddenly become lucid. Jack Osbourne might suddenly develop a point. God, Sharon Osbourne might even start talking in a voice that doesn’t make her sound like a furious tiny witch trapped in the bottom of a well. Thank heavens it was just a momentary blip.
Not that we’re suggesting that Kelly Osbourne should leave Dancing With The Stars, of course – because at the rate she’s going it’s only a matter of time before one of her legs shears off and she somehow impales herself on her own jagged femur. And that’d definitely be worth watching.
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rainbowlite says
Amy is my favorite Osbourne because I know nothing about her. Sharon is scarier than Hannibal Lector.
jahari says
This is a funny blog but you are seriously twisted. “….impales herself on jagged femur,” now that’s a visual.
magnetite says
Kelly Osbourne looks like ex-US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright in that picture above; and it is for this, and thist reason alone, that I am temporarily attracted to her. I hope to recover from this affliction soon.
Eugene says
I will always think well of Aimee Osbourne for refusing to have anything to do with “The Osbournes”, and moving out of the house the moment she heard about it. I know nothing else about her, but based on this alone, it makes her sound like a class act. It’s nice to see that someone in the family has some sense.
LitNerd says
That whole family is living proof that White Trash exists in places other than America. Oh, wait. They moved to America, didn’t they? Damn it. That whole family is living proof that White Trash can be spawned in places other than America. We didn’t create it all ourselves!