Oh Natalie Coughlin, we hardly knew you. No, literally, we’re still not completely sure who you are.

And now you’re gone. Last night Natalie Coughlin became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after a nail-biting dance-off with Aaron Carter. So in many ways she’s lucky that she only went home, because we’ve always been of the understanding that anybody who is worse than Aaron Carter at anything at all should be smacked on the head and thrown to the lions.

In other Dancing With The Stars news, Kelly Osbourne hasn’t been eliminated yet. We know! Weird!

Here’s a theory: if Dancing With The Stars was called Swimming Without The Stars, Natalie Coughlin would have at least reached the quarter finals. This theory is based on two unequivocal facts - 1) Natalie Coughlin is a swimmer and not a dancer, and 2) Natalie Coughlin couldn’t be any less famous if she tried.

But what’s the point of wallowing in all these hopeless what-ifs? The fact of the matter is that Natalie Coughlin was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, and there’s nothing that anybody could have done about it. Apart from, you know, picking up the telephone and voting for her. But who’d do that? The woman was rubbish.

Actually, no, that’s unfair. Natalie Coughlin wasn’t a rubbish dancer at all. In fact, you could argue that she was one of the best dancers in the entire competition. So instead let’s just say that she was voted off Dancing With The Stars because she’s inherently unlikeable as a human being and she wouldn’t know what a personality was if you smacked her on the arse with it. Yes, that seems fair. Access Hollywood reports:

Natalie blamed the ousting on having not revealed enough enthusiasm for the show. “I love this so much and I guess I didn’t show it — how much I loved it — but I really did and I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m very disappointed,” [judge] Carrie Ann said. “Audience! Vote people! You’ve always had this incredible ability to mix strength and flexibility as well as fluidity, which is very unique.”

Although she’s probably quite upset at her comparatively early exit from Dancing With The Stars, Natalie Coughlin should look on the bright side – at least she did better than that old man and the woman from Entourage and Elizabeth Taylor’s friend and that terrifying cagefighter chap. On the other hand, though, she hasn’t done as well as Kelly Osbourne or Sabrina The Teenage Witch or Aaron Carter, and the only sensible reaction to that is to go home and enter into a depressive cycle of morbid alcoholism and self-harm.

So, you know, it’s swings and roundabouts.

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